This is a really hard thing to do, this blog has, God; what this blog has meant to me, I am heart broken to be walking away from it.
I felt part of a community, I felt I had something important to share with the world and I felt appreciated. I was doing something I love; writing, and helping people. It turned the most heart breaking experience of my life and made it worthwhile.
It certainly wasn’t one sided. When I started it I was so broken, still doing the dance with James; still expecting him to act human or humane and Mystery Coach and Tikk Tok held my hand and bashed me over the head with a rubber mallet when I wailed about another cruel thing James had done. And when I was in that hell hole of a trailer freezing my ass off Linda was there with words of support and understanding. And when I had my heart attack there were people calling me to find out how I was doing. I can’t name everyone who donated money, the other loggers that reblogged my posts or nominated me for awards and they were all far more talented than me. Kim, Paula, Shirley, Noeleen, Michael, Lou, Renee, counting ducks, Betty, Janice, OMG I know I am leaving out people but I could go on and on.
As for the people that tell me I helped them; THANKYOU!! It truly was my honor, you have no idea how many tears I cried in empathy but then to hear you are moving on and you are going to be ok. That is the best feeling in the world. To think I had any part in helping a person heal just made life worth living.
It was a pretty shitty year in many ways last year, in fact the last 3 years no 15 years have been the hardest years of my life; the only thing that kept me going a lot of days has been this blog.
You guys were there when I had to put Laila down and then Kato. I really don’t know how much heart ache a person can take, but I think I had a life time of it in the last dozen years.
The reason I am saying goodbye is; as hard as I tried to make a go of it; I failed. My little world is caving in on me. I should have known when I had my 2nd heart attack that I’d never be able to keep the cabin. But I hoped a miracle would happen, that somehow some thing would fall into place. My life used to be like that right up until I look James back the last time. It was my own stupidity, I thought I was independent enough to be able to walk away if he went back to his old ways. Little did I know he came back with the sole purpose of destroying me or the depth of his cruelty and vindictiveness.
I didn’t know the strain of living under that kind of constant stress would cause me to suffer two heart attacks. All of a sudden I don’t have the capability to recoup. The age I was when I met JC and then not walking away I wasted some valuable years. Even if I was 40 now it would be a different story, if I hadn’t had the heart attacks. So many if only’s and it really doesn’t matter any more any way. The facts are I am unable to keep the cabin, which means they are going to put it on the market. I have to find a place to move and have no money.
My brother laid me off at the end of December and I just got my record of employment last week.
I love my brother and won’t go into it but he has his own issues. But it kinda scewed me up as far as getting ei benefits. And I transferred money back and forth between him and my son because my brother doesn’t do email transfers and now welfare is questioning why I had all this money coming into my account and why now I need assistance.
It couldn’t get much worse. I don’t know what I am going to do. I regret getting Stella now because she is going to be a burden. What was I thinking getting a big dog when I didn’t even know where I’d be living?
The laptop I was using to blog was my brother’s, I have avoided mentioning it because I knew he’d want it back. He told me right from the start it was for work and not my personal use. So in good faith I asked if he wanted it back and guess what!!?? He did. So I am typing this on my cell phone.
I can’t do my blog on my cell. It has gotten far too busy and took up a phenomenal amount of time using the laptop , to try to do it using my phone would drive me insane. Besides that there are things I can’t do on my phone. Like approve comments. So that brings me to my next point. I am going to try to switch comments so they don’t go to moderation any more, which means there will be the odd spam comment that gets through and you will have to just ignore them. Who knows there might be some from James too, not much I can do about it aside from shut it down and I don’t want to do that.
Without new posts it will die a slow death and the little bit of income that I made off the ads will die also. Mind you I didn’t make more than $50/month anyway. But it all adds up and the more people who visited the more income. Whatever.
I don’t even know how long I will have my phone, they are threatening to disconnect it so that would be the end of using it for blogging anyway, so its best to just say good bye now instead of dragging it on to a slow painful death.
To be honest I doubt I have been more depressed than I am right now. I hate to admit it because it is like admitting James won and I guess he did in a way. He didn’t destroy me as quickly as he thought and it wasn’t of a broken heart, but broken nonetheless.
So I love all of you and wish you much sunshine and serenity in your lives.
I will miss you all more than you could know.
The lady witha truck
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie