Time To Make My Exit

This is a really hard thing to do, this blog has, God; what this blog has meant to me, I am heart broken to be walking away from it.
I felt part of a community, I felt I had something important to share with the world and I felt appreciated. I was doing something I love; writing, and helping people. It turned the most heart breaking experience of my life and made it worthwhile.
It certainly wasn’t one sided. When I started it I was so broken, still doing the dance with James; still expecting him to act human or humane and Mystery Coach and Tikk Tok held my hand and bashed me over the head with a rubber mallet when I wailed about another cruel thing James had done. And when I was in that hell hole of a trailer freezing my ass off Linda was there with words of support and understanding. And when I had my heart attack there were people calling me to find out how I was doing. I can’t name everyone who donated money, the other loggers that reblogged my posts or nominated me for awards and they were all far more talented than me. Kim, Paula, Shirley, Noeleen, Michael, Lou, Renee, counting ducks, Betty, Janice, OMG I know I am leaving out people but I could go on and on.
As for the people that tell me I helped them; THANKYOU!! It truly was my honor, you have no idea how many tears I cried in empathy but then to hear you are moving on and you are going to be ok. That is the best feeling in the world. To think I had any part in helping a person heal just made life worth living.
It was a pretty shitty year in many ways last year, in fact the last 3 years no 15 years have been the hardest years of my life; the only thing that kept me going a lot of days has been this blog.
You guys were there when I had to put Laila down and then Kato. I really don’t know how much heart ache a person can take, but I think I had a life time of it in the last dozen years.
The reason I am saying goodbye is; as hard as I tried to make a go of it; I failed. My little world is caving in on me. I should have known when I had my 2nd heart attack that I’d never be able to keep the cabin. But I hoped a miracle would happen, that somehow some thing would fall into place. My life used to be like that right up until I look James back the last time. It was my own stupidity, I thought I was independent enough to be able to walk away if he went back to his old ways. Little did I know he came back with the sole purpose of destroying me or the depth of his cruelty and vindictiveness.
I didn’t know the strain of living under that kind of constant stress would cause me to suffer two heart attacks. All of a sudden I don’t have the capability to recoup. The age I was when I met JC and then not walking away I wasted some valuable years. Even if I was 40 now it would be a different story, if I hadn’t had the heart attacks. So many if only’s and it really doesn’t matter any more any way. The facts are I am unable to keep the cabin, which means they are going to put it on the market. I have to find a place to move and have no money.
My brother laid me off at the end of December and I just got my record of employment last week.
I love my brother and won’t go into it but he has his own issues. But it kinda scewed me up as far as getting ei benefits. And I transferred money back and forth between him and my son because my brother doesn’t do email transfers and now welfare is questioning why I had all this money coming into my account and why now I need assistance.
It couldn’t get much worse. I don’t know what I am going to do. I regret getting Stella now because she is going to be a burden. What was I thinking getting a big dog when I didn’t even know where I’d be living?
The laptop I was using to blog was my brother’s, I have avoided mentioning it because I knew he’d want it back. He told me right from the start it was for work and not my personal use. So in good faith I asked if he wanted it back and guess what!!?? He did. So I am typing this on my cell phone.
I can’t do my blog on my cell. It has gotten far too busy and took up a phenomenal amount of time using the laptop , to try to do it using my phone would drive me insane. Besides that there are things I can’t do on my phone. Like approve comments. So that brings me to my next point. I am going to try to switch comments so they don’t go to moderation any more, which means there will be the odd spam comment that gets through and you will have to just ignore them. Who knows there might be some from James too, not much I can do about it aside from shut it down and I don’t want to do that.
Without new posts it will die a slow death and the little bit of income that I made off the ads will die also. Mind you I didn’t make more than $50/month anyway. But it all adds up and the more people who visited the more income. Whatever.
I don’t even know how long I will have my phone, they are threatening to disconnect it so that would be the end of using it for blogging anyway, so its best to just say good bye now instead of dragging it on to a slow painful death.
To be honest I doubt I have been more depressed than I am right now. I hate to admit it because it is like admitting James won and I guess he did in a way. He didn’t destroy me as quickly as he thought and it wasn’t of a broken heart, but broken nonetheless.
So I love all of you and wish you much sunshine and serenity in your lives.
I will miss you all more than you could know.
Big Hugs
Carrie
The lady witha truck

There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie

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39 Replies to “Time To Make My Exit”

  1. This is a bummer. This site helped me get past some of the PTSD I had from domestic violence. Was married to someone who was likely a malignant narcissist. Still recovering.

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  2. Carrie-
    I was sorry to read such a sad post. But I also saw in a comment you were feeling a bit more optimistic, so that’s good. I hope it continues.

    You’re such a good writer and your posts are helpful to a lot of us. I vote for an ebook you could sell on Amazon and right here on the site.

    I know you don’t have a computer, but you could write it out by hand or use one at a library. If you market it here, it would probably bring you some income.

    And I don’t mean any disrespect by saying to capitalize on people’s misery. You have a talent and it should be shared. But at the same time, you’ve given so much of value away, I think it’s appropriate to ask for a bit of money in exchange for something else of value.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carrie, I believe you are being used as part of a scam, please read email I just received,

    I really hope you get this fast. I could not inform anyone about my trip cause it was impromptu. I had to be in Ukraine for a program. The program was successful, but my journey has turned sour. I misplaced my wallet and cell phone on my way back to the hotel i lodge in after i went for sight seeing. The wallet contained all the valuable things i had. Now my passport is in custody of the hotel management pending when i make payment.

    I am sorry if i am inconveniencing you, but i have very few people to run to now. The Embarrassment and pain is too much to bear. Right now i need all the help i can get, i will be indeed very grateful if i can get a loan of $1,800 from you. This will enable me sort my hotel bills and get my sorry self back home. I will really appreciate whatever you can afford in assisting me with. I promise to refund it as soon as I return. Please let me know if you can be of any assistance.

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    1. We all recieved that e-mail Bonnie 😦 I have posted a warning in the Support forum if hopes of warning Carrie and the ladies ( and gentlemen ) here to NOT attempt to respond. It links the replies to a yahoo e-mail which is not Carries. When I tried to forward it to Carrie it says her gmail address does not exist.

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  4. So sad to see you go…your blog was one of the first I read and realizing my husband was a narc. I tried to keep up with you but after another attempted discard, I got sidetracked. I hope things get better. Wish I had hit that lottery….you’d be on easy street right now.

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  5. I have been on the wrong side of things too long, I’ve done so many self centered things to feel I was always on top, any thing I perceived as negative towards me earned negativity from me. Once upon a time the woman I love told me if we get into an argument just let her win, she said her guilt would overwhelm her latter and she would always apologize….I remember those words now…I never once acted in that way. Our fight just got worse.

    I’m going to try to better myself, I’m really going to try to do whatever it takes to get away from this cycle hand down to me. I see the way I am in all my family…I am sorry, I will always think of the one who finally opened my eyes. We were heaven we were hell when we switched to heaven rising from the hell I fell I wasn’t fast enough so you had to kick me away so you could save your 4 angels. I would have done the same. I will make it to a better day, I am alone in my journey but that was a choice I made. You deserve all God’s glory . You will be …are one of God’s amazing favorite daughters. 143 alwyz

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Carrie, I dont post here much or on FB alot but I will miss you too! I hope you can find a way to make it back. I know you feel weary and worn down but I have a feeling you will be back soon!! 🙂 Hang in there, Lady 🙂

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  7. Carrie??? Are you serious?
    I remember when I found your blog and i was in the thick of my DV back in 2010-2015. YOU helped ME TO LEAVE FOR GOOD!!
    YOU HELPED ME TO SEE that THERE IS life after HIM. That there is so much waiting for me , so much life ahead of me…You taught me along with all the other ladies that life is precious and to make it MINE.
    Thank you Carrie from the bottom of my heart.
    Tasha (Lie to me) now (Hiding In Plain Sight)
    I love you like family!!!
    Good luck

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