After The Psychopath: The Continued Obsession With The New Victim

Very True!

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14 Replies to “After The Psychopath: The Continued Obsession With The New Victim”

  1. This is so interesting as I’ve just had an occasion to accidentally
    Almost run into my x without him seeing me, on my way to the market

    Throug the entire year since he left me as recently as two weeks ago when he was in my driveway blaming me for everything in his life that’s gone wrong and having a general meltdown in front of all of my neighbors – and I’ve had him blocked

    Valentines day, a week before the driveway seen he left me this bizarre card and gift wich I have back to him when he made the appearance in the driveway a week later

    Anyway as I waited for him to leave so I could go In and shop, I noticed that parked next to him was a car belonging to a client I once accused him of cheating w – which I was met with the normal- your paranoid, nuts. Delusional

    He came out from the market and started drawing little hearts with his finger on the moister on her windshield — the same hearts that he had drawn on my card a week before

    So all the time he’s been w her – maybe a month- he’s still been contacting me telling me how I am the only one- how he’s changed his entire life just to be w me — how hell never be w anyone else — and he’s actually already w someone

    During the year I was punishing him, blocking him, angry at what he had did to me- I was sad but fine. Now after seeing this— I’m not fine. I’m sad. And I m wondering of I did the right thing by closing down all lines of communication etc

    Where does all the anger go that is now sadness? Has anyone experienced this ? Second guessing – self doubt thinking if only id whatever?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like a good example of why NC is for us, not to punish them. An N can not be punished because they do not feel anything. NC never works if used out of anger or to try and punish them. They aren’t sitting there wondering why we aren’t answering the phone, the texts. They are getting supply elsewhere the whole time they are fooling around with us, one person is never enough for them sometimes not 2 or 3 either. It’s just a game. Kinda like a game of golf, they have a bag of clubs , which one will they use for this shot?

      Sounds like you are hurt and sad because you thought perhaps you were special. No one or anything is special to an N. Just one of many things they get their kicks from. And they need lots of “kicks”, it will never be any different for them. When you realize it is just the way they are you can begin to stop hurting and healing. If they are talking they are lying, if they are typing they are lying. Believe nothing they say , type , write or even think.

      I think you are sad now because you realize your anger meant nothing to him , it had no effect. It was a waste of time and energy. It just didn’t work. He is what he is 😦 That is where the healing begins, acceptance that he can not change no matter what we do or don’t. And he doesn’t want to.

      Ellie

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  2. Scarletto, We all, or most of us cling to the belief that somehow we were special. Yeah sure he is an asshole, yeah he treated us awful and cheated or beat us or acted like he loathed us and treated us like dirt but deep down he really has feelings and loves us. When we face the facts; he does not know how to love and any acts of love on his part was just that; an act, and accept that he never loved us only used the illusion of love to hook us, that is when we begin to heal.

    That is where the anger and sadness come from. You still think he is capable of feelings, it is something that is really hard for a normal caring person to get their head around; we just can not believe or relate to a person not caring, not having feelings but he really doesn’t. You did not “punish” him by rejecting him. He really could not care less, if he does make some effort to get you back it is simple an ego thing, to see if he can not because he cares. It is like a bored cat not killing the mouse because he likes playing with it. If you allow the N into your life and believe his lies you are stroking his ego, nothing more. He gets off on being able to con people, to him it is proof of his power. If you went back to him things would change alright, for the worse not better. Anything he said to you was a lie. I read one time that if you don’t think your N is cheating you just haven’t caught him yet.

    Believe me I heard it all, my ex went the extent of telling me he had been given 6 months to live. No one does that, its bad karma if nothing else. with tears streaming down his face, hands shaking, looking me directly in the eye he professed total honesty, his undying love, admitted to everything he ever did wrong and really owned it, didn’t blame me for anything. He went so far as to apologize to my son knowing full well that if he could suck my son into believing him I would go back and it worked.

    It didn’t take long before I realized he had been lying but it wasn’t until after we had split that i found out to what degree he had been lying. Not only was he not dying, he was living with another woman in another province (he was trucking), he never got out of the dating sites, only hid his profile and he had a young girl in Africa pregnant.

    He STILL tried to come back a year after we had split, 8 days after he got engaged to a widow (unbeknownst to me, I found out when I checked his facebook). The same thing, tears, he had always loved me, it was all his fault yada yada yada. But I had heard it all before and didn’t fall for it this time. I did ask him though, why did he apologize to my son when he didn’t mean a word of it. His answer was very simple and probably the most honest thing he ever said to me. “I told him what he needed to hear for you to come back to me.”

    Then he said, “You know it is kinda your own fault I hurt you; you kept taking me back.”

    It is a hard pill to swallow but until you give up the illusion that he is capable of love you will continue to have self doubt.

    This has nothing to do with you, or the woman before you or the women who will come after you; it is all about him feeding his sick insatiable need for power and control and absolutely NOTHING to do with love.

    Hugs Carrie

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  3. Carrie – the first time he cheated he begged me to take him back. It took months Then years later he said ‘what kind of person takes someone back after they’ve cheated. A normal person would tell the cheater – hey your a piece of shit move on. But not you, you took me back so you could use your power. So he blamed me for taking him back

    Yes you’re both right. I was angry. I was angry for a year when he left the last time He haunted me all year. I had to change everything in my life

    Whenever he complained of not having enough clients to train, I always said – well
    Maybe if you just trained them and stopping fucking them, you’d retain
    More of them as clients

    This woman came as a client. A mutual friend knows him and told me This girl is 42 and has 5 kids 21, 20, 17, 7 and 6. And one child died.
    And they were from 3 different fathers. No money. So I honestly can not figure it out

    My x told my friend – we’ve only been together 10 days but we get along. And I’ll never lie to her. And I’m never going to
    screw this up. How does someone know all that at 10 days. I hope she knows how to take a punch

    Thank you ladies

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Truthfully Ms Scarlett 🙂 the sooner you get to the point you can say “Tomorrow is another day” the sooner you will heal. Who knows why he chose her as his next victim? There is no making sense of what they do. Only they know what is is he gets from her. It doesn’t have to be some thing tangible. At least is is NOT you anymore. Be very glad of that. He is her problem now. Well, hers and who knows how many else. It is a GAME to them. ONLY a game.

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      1. Ellie, logically you are right; but I still can not be “happy” he is someone else’s problem. I am not happy about anything about him. As long as he is on this earth he is a plague on society and I will never be “happy” about that. I feel sorry for his new woman. I know what she is going through, I know I can’t save her and I don’t obsess about her and him but she was so totally innocent, unsuspecting; more than I was because she had only ever been married to her husband who died. She had no idea about divorce let alone some thing evil like JC and she has invested everything she had into property with him. She could very well spend the rest of her life with him and that is so very sad because she didn’t deserve it.
        Not that I or anyone else does, I just know the pain I suffered and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy let alone an innocent woman who thought she’s had found the love of her life. I confess I looked at his FB about a year or so ago and he posted pics of her and I could see that look in her eyes, that pain. That look that all victims get when something inside is dying.

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        1. OH he ll Carrie, you must be so much of a better person than I am. I even sent him and HER a beautiful wedding card, wishing them all the happiness in the world and I meant it. And I was “happy” he was her problem. The kids and I didn’t have to tolerate his abuse any longer. I don’t feel sorry for her, she was warned, although now I see why she didn’t believe it. But 6 months later she was ringing MY phone with the ” he is doing this, he is doing that”. Perhaps she believed me then. But sorry for her??? NO ma’am. At that point she had the opportunity to leave, and she could have left when she had to send HER child to live with relatives because he was abusing the kid. She could have chosen her child. I know the manipulation, the lies, the brainwashing intimately. The loss of self worth. But, somewhere deep inside of all of us, somewhere hidden, there is a tiny little spark of self preservation. We need to turn that spark into a flame, a flame that says I do not need or want him. It takes time yes, but I believe it is there. They are a scourge on this earth, yes, but I am not strong enough to rid the world of them, All I can do is make my little world better some.

          I admire you compassion, your strength and your dedication Carrie.

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          1. Ellie, I am not a “better” person. We all process and deal with things in our own way. Your way may not be my way but it might work for someone else. I know when people said to me that I “should” be happy JC was someone else’s problem I shut right down. There weren’t the websites about narcissists like there are now but even recently I have been on sites where people get down on people for still loving the N or not leaving, or whatever and I know how I would feel if someone talked to me that way, I would probably leave and never go back. I of course approach things the way they work for me, that isn’t for everyone. I try to let a person grieve or let go in their own way and their own time and just arm them with the facts.

            For me to be told I “should” feel a certain way I felt the person might as well have told me, “You idiot, you don’t even know how to grieve properly”. I felt that once again someone was telling me what I should or shouldn’t be feeling and not validating what I was feeling, I felt abused again, or at the very least that I was “wrong” to feel the way I did.

            In honesty I allowed myself to love him, I wasn’t ready to stop loving him, I wasn’t ready to give that up and when I was ready I let it go. I am so much happier without him but I remember how good it felt to love him and how hard it was to let go. I remember how devastated I was when he got with M and told me he had found the love of his life. Well that was when he told me to kill myself. It took me 3 whole years to get over him, maybe someone else would heal faster but that is the way I had to do it, someone else might take 5 years.
            We all agree that we are all better off without the asshole in our lives.
            Big hugs to you Ellie
            Carrie

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    1. Scarletto, THAT is why he asked me back, because he is an N. There is no other reason. You are trying to analyze it too much. They don’t think like you and I, you are trying to figure him out, make sense of it, but you can’t make sense out of crazy. Accept it.
      I told you why he asked me back, the same reason your ex asked you back, control, an ego boost, just to see if he could, to fuck with your head, to hurt you, to prove his power over you, so he could later say, “if your own fault, you took me back”.
      they are hate filled, horrible people who feed off of the pain of others. That is all the explanation there is. There is nothing else.
      With a narcissist there is no “besides being an N” they are an N and that is why they do what they do.
      Even if there was another reason; what good does it do to obsess about it?
      Once someone tells you that I is your own fault for getting hurt because you believed their lies and took them back it is time to stop trying to analyze them and analyze yourself and work on you and what you need to do to walk away.
      you are still trying to assign him emotions and feelings he simply does not have.

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  4. you remind me of so many things. A few weeks ago he kept leaving these messages on our work fax machine that he was sure he had ‘liver’ cancer because he has stomach pain. Well your liver is in the back Einstein. He kept saying things like, I know there’s something really wrong with me b/c i’m a horrible person and i’m being punished for everything i’ve ever done. Big tears.. But he didn’t look that sick when i saw him drawing the hearts on her windshield.

    You are right. I always forget he has a ‘disordered’ personality and in 53 years nothing he has never thought of what real life consequences would be for his actions. So I’m always confused how they can be such master manipulators when it comes to us.

    I don’t remember if i said this but when he revealed to me his brother no longer spoke to him, i said, that’s sad. What happened’. he said -” I slept with his wife. God knows he never took care of her.” Like that made it okay.

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    1. Scarlett, the longer you are away from him and the more you hear other people’s story the more things that will come to mind and you will have “set backs”, aha moments where something will come back to you or something will make sense all of a sudden or a lie will be revealed or something you had buried will surface and you will grieve, go through an angry phase or sadness. It is all part of the healing process. You were in a relationship believe things were one way and the person you loved was a certain way; now you have new knowledge and it chances the whole relationship. If he was just a sham and an illusion then what was the relationship? its like you have to relive the whole relationship with this new insight and your mind has to process things with this new knowledge because events take on a whole new meaning when you realize what he actually is.
      As you process it your mind will slowly accept what he is and you will be able to let it go easier, but you have to face the fact that he is incapable of love or true emotions. If he did act sad or sorry it was an act, they study other people’s reactions to things and imitate them.
      That is why sometimes their emotions or reaction to something seems over the top or not quite right, because they don’t know how to react and they are trying to respond they way they think they should and have missed the mark.
      It is not that they are such master manipulators with us and more than with anyone else, it is that we chose to believe them or excuse their behavior whereas someone who isn’t in love with him wouldn’t. We never gave him consequences to his actions, sure we might get angry and cry but that just fed his ego and we always took them back. JC never learned from his mistakes, he always got fired for stealing and he always said it was a misunderstanding, or he was set up or some other feeble excuse and he always got off so where is the motivation to stop doing it?
      His response to you about why his brother stopped talking to him is pretty typical. they don’t care about any one except their own pleasure and needs. He wasn’t concerned that his brother wasn’t taking care of her either. He had the opportunity to screw his brother’s wife, what an ego trip. He does not care about her or his brother, they are happiest when they are destroying someone’s life any way they can. They may appear happy when they first meet a new victim because they are getting such a high off of thrill of the kill. They are at the top of their game, they are sucking in the new victim and it is a real rush for them and they are happy for a while. It isn’t love, it is a sick high that they get knowing they are pulling something over on someone else. They are patting themselves on the back and they put a lot of effort into the new relationship because they have to solidify the deal and they have to have some one at all times to feed their sick ego. So once they have the new victim firmly hooked there is no challenge any more and no rush or high anymore so that is when they will try to get the ex back, often times they can suck the ex into becoming the other woman. but they are never with only one woman for long, they need the ego boost of conquering a new victim.
      hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Scarlett, I am sorry to hear about your sister. that is a lot on your plate.
    Don’t believe for a minute he wants to be your friend. They have no conscience, none whatsoever, that is why they can do the things they do and not feel guilty. It is a proven medical fact that their brains are different than other people’s brains. They do not feel guilt or empathy, the best they can do is fake it.
    So they will fake it to hook someone but they don’t feel it.
    He might be bored or just sick of having to keep his mask of sanity on and feel like kicking someone in the guts and you are the closest one. Believe me it is not out of concern or wanting to be your friend.
    The only way you are going to get over him and start to heal is to end all contact with him. As long as you have any contact with him he will find a way to hurt you.
    To continue to talk to him you are leaving yourself wide open for hurt and for him to wear you down and make you doubt yourself again.
    No contact is the only way. I tried being friends, many women do and we all end up going no contact.
    And btw, don’t believe he didn’t sleep with her. The #1 trait of a narcissist is “if their lips are moving they are lying” God only knows what he is telling her. you can’t believe a word they say, ever.
    Good night I am glad I have been a help.
    You can do this!!
    hugs
    Carrie

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