What is True Love

My son arrived back in BC Saturday night and Sunday morning I received this picture in a text message. No words, only a picture. I opened it and cried. I had to sit and look at it for a while trying to figure out why on earth I would be crying.Image
I was crying out of joy of course, because I love my son and I have missed him more than I ever admit because he is a man who has to live his life and I don’t want to ever make him feel guilty for following his dreams or doing what he needs to do for himself. It is like when he was married and I never did like his wife much, I didn’t think they were a good match, she was bossy and talked baby talk to him LOL But I never said anything, then my mom and I went for a visit while they were living in Alberta and his wife was rude to me and treated him like shit. I broke down as soon as my mom and I got in the car to go back to the hotel. We stopped at the grocery store and I started to cry in the store and who walks up but my son. He put his arms around me and gave me a big hug and asked me what was wrong and I just said, “Oh you know me, I always cry, I have just really missed you.” He had hugged me hard and said,”Oh Momma.”
I felt so bad to see him trying to please her and she was so rude to him, I wanted to corner her in the hallway and threaten to break her scrawny little neck (and I could have) if she didn’t treat my boy better, but I kept my mouth shut. My mom even said that if she hadn’t witnessed it she never would have believed a woman would treat her mother-in-law so poorly and her husband so badly with his mother there. I didn’t want to make his life harder by showing my dislike for her, I figured he would come to me if he needed to talk and I was not going to get between him and his wife.
When he phoned me a few months later and told me they were divorcing, I let out a whoop!! and told him how happy I was to hear that news!! then there was no shutting me up! I told him exactly what I thought of her!
Anyway I took a bit of detour there, but it was sort of the same thing while he went to Regina. He had to go where the work was and I was proud of him for that; he had to pay child support and he wasn’t able to get a job closer at the time. It meant he couldn’t see his daughter near as much but to him, living up to his responsibilities was more important. I have told him I miss him but I have never pressured him to live closer. Now that he has made the decision on his own and he is back, close to home I am over joyed, to see him holding his daughter fills my heart to over flowing.
There is more to it than that though.
It struck me, a sense of relief, like a weight off my shoulders when I realized my gut had done a lurk when I saw the picture and for a brief second I was transported back in time. If that picture had come across my phone 3 years ago I would have been happy but filled with anxiety. I would have immediately started to rehearse how I was going to tell JC without him getting jealous or angry. I would be worried he would do something to drive Kris away, or start a fight with him. If I wanted to go to Vernon and see him JC would tamper with my vehicle, demand I give him all my money, “punish” me when I got back. I would suck hole to JC, stroke his ego, pretend it wasn’t important to me because if he knew how much I wanted to see Kris he would for sure stop me somehow.
I have none of that now, I am able to love my son and granddaughter without fear of retribution. I am going to go to Vernon in a couple of days. Anything I have to do can be done from there, I rented a 3 bedroom house for the out-of-town workers and so far it is just Kris and his buddy Zac there, so there is room for me, maybe I will work for my brother a bit, but even if I don’t all it will cost me is my gas to get there. I will stay until I want to come home and I will go back when I want to. It is a 4 hour drive. I can go, I can come back and go again, or not…………it is all up to me. Not that anyone ever told me when I could see my son or not, but I don’t have to fight for the right any more, I don’t have to fear not making it because of my car breaking down.
No one can appreciate that unless they have been with a narcissist. Loving your child and being there for your child should be a given and not something you to stress over.
In a normal loving relationship your partner wants you to be happy, he would rejoice with you that your son is home. A loving partner would never compare how you love your son to how you love him, he would never punish you for loving your child.
It reinforced to me how very sick JC and my relationship was and how sick I had become by association.
When a person is in the middle of all the dysfunction and insanity they lose sight of the facts, reality and all logic. 
I hear it all the time from woman and men and I was there myself; asking “why does he hurt me” , “what does the other woman have that I don’t have?” “If only he would come to bed and not stay up all night looking at porn” , “if only he would call and not disappear for days at a time.” “I have no idea how many women he has been with but he always comes back to me”  “I stay because of the kids” yet everyone in the house is walking on egg shells and you could cut the air with a knife. You are staying for who? You can’t tell me you think it is healthy for the kids to live in a house like that, you can’t make me believe that they aren’t affected by your sadness or your husbands irrational and erratic behavior.
I will tell you why he continues to hurt you…………because you let him. Yes I know he is manipulative and he lies, he lies about everything. At first you didn’t know better, you fell in love, you had no reason to doubt his honesty or his love but things have changed. You now know what you are dealing with, you are living your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. You wake up with a knot in your stomach and you go to bed the same way. You wait with bated breath when he walks through the door unsure if he will be loving or hate filled. If he is loving, you soak it up like a dry sponge and check your every word for fear of saying something that will set him off. Every holiday, every anniversary, every birthday you don’t even expect any thing any more, you just pray he won’t ruin the day totally. You don’t expect gifts any more, you don’t even expect him to participate, you are walking on egg shells in hopes he doesn’t go into a rage.
That is not love, someone who acts like that does not love you, nor respect you. Yes it hurts………it hurts like hell but you know what? time DOES heal all wounds. There may be scars that you will carry forever more but you can live with scars, you don’t bleed from scars. As long as you are with the N those wounds will never heal, old scars continually get ripped off and new wounds are made. You have tried to give him what he wants and it hasn’t ever been good enough, as soon as you figured you knew exactly what he wanted he changed his mind. 
I am here to tell you that once you get away, take control of your life and emotions again you will wonder, “What the hell was I thinking?”  There will be days like I had on Sunday where you cry for the sheer joy of being able to love your son without fear.
Do I wish I had a man to share my joy with, someone who would put his arms around me and say, “I am so happy for you, I know how much you missed having him around.” A man who would make sure the car is in good running order so I get there safely. You bet ya!! But JC never would have been that man, never, not for me not for the next one or the ones before me. And you know what? I don’t NEED it. I am happy with my life, I am enjoying my freedom.
You should give it a try, really, like the saying goes; “No pain, no gain.” 

10 thoughts on “What is True Love

    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Paula, thank you I am sure you know the feeling and bond I must have with my boy. PS I just had another wonderful Lavender bath. loving my soap and the cream also. I have such dry skin on my legs and it is the only cream that I have found to really help.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Phill, thank you for the reblog. I hope everything is going ok in your corner of the world. If anyone knows the attachment we have to our kids it is me. As you can see my son is far from a child but he will always be my baby boy. JC tried his damnest to get between us and ruin my relationship with him (mind you he was not a wee boy, he was in his late teens, which is not the same as with you and your boys) but we are stronger than ever. I truly believe your boys will learn the truth as they get older and you will have a wonderful relationship with them and be able to be a strong support for them in dealing with their mother.


  1. StrongerSoulSurvivor

    I loved this post Carrie. So happy for you that you are enjoying your new life without the emotional leech in it, that you can love your son and granddaughter freely. I also love that you still believe in love (I hope that I still do). Wishing you and your beautiful family all the best.


  2. Carrie Reimer Post author

    SSS, thank you so much, I am sure you still believe in love; you are far to loving a person to not. You are just wiser and not going to believe in fairy tales any more. You are stronger and in tune with your gut and you have a much deeper insight into yourself and won’t allow a man to define you or dictate who you are. I believe you will some day meet a man who will cherish you for being you and it will be when you least expect it and it will be something that grows slowly into a mutual appreciation for each other. It own’t be the whirlwind romance that ends up with you getting a one way ticket on the roller coaster ride to hell.
    and yes I am lapping up this time with my little family, Easter gifts wrapped and ready to go and see my grand daughter. 🙂 One thing a person gets from the Narcissist is a whole new appreciation for the simple but truly important things in life. I lost everything I owned, everything, none of my possessions date back more than 3 years except for the few items I had stored in my mom’s basement. but none of it matters, I replaced everything but I consider myself extremely lucky to still have my son and grandbaby.
    I have to smile when I think about all the things JC did in an attempt to destroy me and I am sure he thought he had, I thought he had, but in actual fact he made me stronger and my life so much more full filling than I thought possible.
    What is that saying?, the best revenge is a to live a happy life. whatever, something like that…….. if that is true I have gotten the best revenge possible.
    love and hugs to you



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