I received this comment on one of my posts this morning and thought the topic was worth a stand-alone post. I always recommend women in a relationship with a narcissist keep a journal for many reasons, several of which are in the post from Louise. In the beginning I started a journal in self defense because JC kept a daily journal and would accuse me of doing things and when I denied them he would refer to his journal. It was his “proof” that things occurred the way he said they did and because I had nothing in writing I was wrong and he was right. As you know, you know the events and what you did but you may not remember the exact day and time weeks or months later.
After we split the first time I decided when I went back I would keep a journal of my own and if nothing else I would know I wasn’t crazy, he kept telling me I had a warped view of reality and saying how could I be angry if I didn’t even remember what day it happened. All our fights ended in the same way, him declaring something fact and me with no proof otherwise.
It came in very hand, even for simple things like him saying, “Every day I go through this with you, you are crying, demanding, I am sitting here peacefully drinking my coffee and you wake up and tie into me the minute you walk in the room; then I come home and you are at me again. I started keeping track of when I cried or when I didn’t cry, when I was angry about something, how much money I made and how much I spent on groceries or gave him. I never used to keep track of money, we were a couple and if we needed food or he needed something and I had money I would spend it but he never recognized any contributions I made and had his own financial records that I was not allowed to see showing he gave me all his money. Journaling didn’t end the arguments but it did give me a leg to stand on and it was easier for me to stand my ground if I knew I was not imagining things.
One example was when he was going on and on about how I cried all the time and that is why he had joined a local dating service (not even an on-line one and it cost $200 to join and he had been badgering me about money for weeks) I went back in my journal to that day and the week prior to when he joined and it said, “I haven’t cried all week, JC and I have been getting along the best we have in months, I am hopeful this is the sign of things to come. I love him so much.” I read it aloud to him, he had nothing to say. It was a small victory, after all he had joined a dating site and then not come home for two nights, and nothing had changed but at least I knew I wasn’t crazy.
Most importantly though is a journal can be invaluable if you have to prove abuse or have to go to court for child custody prove you innocence to false accusations. The narcissist always projects a calm, rational and amiable image and the victim is emotional, nervous and seems uncertain and confused. Authority figures such as the police and the courts tend to believe the narcissist. If you have the events documented and you can refer to your journal you are more apt to be able to stay calm yourself and not get flustered.
It feels wrong to keep track of someone you love; we don’t naturally keep track of the wrong doings of people we love, but the people who love us do not usually do the things a narcissist does either. On one occasions when JC had begged me to try again he said if we really were sincere about leaving the past behind us and starting fresh we should both destroy letter we had written each other in anger. Another time I found him going rummaging through all my cupboards and later discovered he had destroyed all my notes and journals; so it is imperative that you not let him know you have them and hide them well because they do snoop in your things trying to find evidence of infidelity on your part or to see what you are up to. They are lying and conniving and just assume you must be also. They live in a world based on deception, their lives are carefully orchestrated and if the truth were to come out their fabricated world would crash in around them so they are very protective of it and paranoid and there is no way of knowing how far they will go to prevent the truth from coming out.
I do not recommend what Loujean did unless, you like her; are pushed into a corner with no other avenue of protecting yourself. I am very concerned for Loujean’ s safety as you will see in my reply to her comment.
I cannot stress enough how vindictive and dangerous narcissists can be. Victims rarely realize the danger they are in until it is too late. Please be careful and assume the worst when dealing with a narcissist.
Here is Louise’s comment
I hope you and yours are well and happy.
It has been a while since I wrote a post but I thought I’d give you an update on what has been going on.
I apologize in advance for this lengthy post but hope that it may give courage to others and answer some questions for others in a similar situation.
As I’ve mentioned before me and H work in the same office so it was difficult to ignore the harassment in the work place. However, I did inform my team leader who unfortunately is friends with my N. I told him that if he continued to ignore the abuse then I would have to take the matter up with his managers. I felt he too was being intimidated by N so I felt distrust, not because he is a horrible person but because N said to me that if he needed to know anything he could get the information from my team leader.
After not having a cell phone for more than 5 months a friend suggested I gather evidence of the abuse by getting a new cell phone, send him a text to say leave me alone and then when he began calling to record him.
I did this and recorded just one week end of what I have had to endure for almost a year since he left and got back with his ex partner.
I kept a written log for over a week and recorded numerous phone conversations and one of the occasions when he threatened me and wouldn’t allow me to get into my vehicle outside of work.
I also began putting him on loud speaker at work so everyone could hear what he was saying to me including my team leader. I also showed him obscene emails he sent to my work email address.
After cutting all contact outside of the office my N began stalking me more and more since December just gone. He would turn up in random places threatening me. As usual there were no witnesses or if there was he would make it look like I was the one who was harassing him.
2 weeks ago I was on my way home and visited a petrol station. On returning to my car he turned up out of nowhere and began threatening me and again not allowing me to get into my car. Only this time there were witnesses who intervened. The police were called and he was arrested. One of the witnesses gave an independent statement to the police and there may also be CTV evidence which the police are now applying for.
He has been let out on bail until the 8th April on the conditions he or his family are not allowed to come anywhere near me except for work purposes.
I gave a statement to the police and admitted that during the last year I have said things to him and met up with him to plead for him to stop. I have also admitted that on occasions I have pacified him and said I love him and that I will do whatever he wants if he stops trying to humiliate me in the work place. I am worried about phone calls and emails which I have sent to him because I fear it will incriminate me and that they will think I have led him on.
I was worried that my team leader would not support me because he is his friend but yesterday amazingly he told the police how N has intimidated me in and outside the work place.
After sending all the recordings and chronological account of events the police called me to say that they needed to consult with senior officers to see what they can do for me and did sound concerned for my well being.
I have to go and make a further statement on Sunday but I am so worried about the phone calls I have made to him and the emails which I have sent to N when I have told him what he wants to hear in order to keep him from going crazy at me in and out of the work place.
This is the personal statement I gave to the police along with the log and recordings which I am sure you will all relate to:
Right now I feel physically sick. I admit that in the past year I have done things and said things to H so that he wouldn’t carry out his threats of humiliation in the office. I have met with him for drinks because he wanted to talk to me. On these occasions I have told him that I do not want a relationship with him because he is already in a relationship and I couldn’t possibly have a relationship with a man who has done what he has done to me. His reaction to this has always been threats to humiliate me at work and tell people about my private life including sexual explicit details. He will say things like ‘let’s see what people will think when I tell them what you are really like’ followed by personal sexual comments. When this happens I go into a state of anxiety and worry about what he is saying to people at work especially other men. I end up calling him and telling him what he wants to hear like, ‘I do love you and I will do what ever you want me to do’ I’ll wait for you to sort your life out and I promise not to meet anyone else. I beg him not to bring my personal life into work. I ask him for reassurance. He sometimes ignores me and leaves me hanging for the whole week end. I get desperate at these times because I want to speak to him so he can reassure me that he won’t do what he threatened to do. Other times he phones me the next day and says he is sorry for doing this to me, he cries and says he is a horrible person and he doesn’t know why he is doing it except that he loves me. He has on occasions threatened to take his own life or has implied that he hasn’t got long. I realise now that I have not helped the situation by sometimes telling him what I think he wants to hear but the threats get bigger, he wants to involve my friends, my ex husband and says he is going contacting them. He has accused me of having intimate relationships with male friends and threatened to approach them to ask them if I have. I have stopped being friends with a lot of people for fear of him involving them. If I am talking to people in the office he assumes I am talking about him and then makes threats to tell these people lies about me to make me look like I am a bad person. He has shouted out remarks in the office which imply I am an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally unstable and sexually promiscuous. None of these are true. I have no idea if people have heard these comments because no one reacts. When he has said these things to me at work I have ignored him.
My doctor signed me off work for two weeks because I broke down in the work place. My manager, team leader and all my colleagues have been so supportive it is unreal. N made me feel like no one would believe me and had me distrust anyone I came into contact with but I realize now that he was just manipulating me and everyone around me.
He has kept me in this loop for almost 3 years in total however I only realized when I discovered your page what was actually happening to me.
You see he kept me there by threatening to expose my most intimate details which I had shared with him. My past, my fears and my deepest secrets.
In the end though he will have just exposed his own.
If you can give me some reassurance regarding the emails and phone calls I have sent to him to pacify him I would be most grateful.
I know I have not done anything wrong and I do know that when people are in fear they will do almost anything to make it stop. I only hope that the police will see that too.
- Carrie Reimer
- My reply
Louise, good to hear from you and know that you are ok and have taken control of your life back. No matter what; you had to take action to end this blackmail. You could have gone many more years suffering his abuse and threats.
What you did is exactly what I always recommend victims to do; keep track of evidence, take pictures, keep a journal, document document document. I would not recommend someone do what you did, contacting him again in hopes of gathering evidence, only because it is a dangerous game to play. Narcissists are so unpredictable and vindictive and are so close to and intertwined with being psychopathic. But I can see in your case you really didn’t have much choice if you wanted him to leave you alone.
I worry about him trying to get revenge and him popping up out of nowhere is very scary. I have to be honest I am concerned for your safety and suggest you try to have someone with you at all times and only ever park in wide open public places and carry pepper spray and a personal alarm system on you. This whole situation has the potential to destroy him, his marriage, his job and the loss of all his henchmen that he’s had suckered all this time. NOT that he doesn’t deserve it and it would be justice served but he could feel he has nothing to lose by killing you to shut you up and make it all go away. The N’s greatest fear is being exposed for the bottom feeder he really is.
I am sorry if I am scaring you but I can’t pretend I am not afraid for your safety and I pray the police realize who and what they are dealing with. Do you have a no contact order against him? not that they always work of course, JC totally ignored the one I got on him; in fact he flaunted the fact that it wouldn’t keep him away.
As for the phone calls and the emails you sent; I think honesty is the best policy always. The police seem to be sympathetic to your cause and taking you seriously, hopefully they are educated in domestic abuse and the effects it has on the victim. None the less you have witnesses and proof of his abuse and threats and I am assuming you only contacted him the once to ask him to stop and have not contacted him saying you love him etc in recent weeks and he still persisted with his threatening behavior.
In cases like this the outcome is so reliant on the attitudes of the police and the judicial system. If they are sympathetic to victims of abuse they will see right through his lies and mask of innocence. But I have had the cops get totally sucked in by JC’s nonchalant attitude and claims that i was the psycho bitch and he was just trying to get away from me. But from the sounds of it, you have good cops helping you.
Stay calm and assured in your position, don’t let guilt or self doubt sway your stance. You are in the right, you did nothing wrong, he has brought this on himself, you have tried for 3 years to give him the opportunity to stop and it all would have gone away long ago. Many times women do not charge the abuser or say anything to anyone for fear something they did will be brought out or the people of authority will believe the abuser and turn against the victim. But you have the support of many people at work and your team leader told the truth, people know the truth when they hear it and it is presented with evidence and by a rational person. That is what narcissists do; they present themselves as calm and rational people while the victim is an emotional basket case and people tend to believe the N just because he appears so certain he is right. But he cannot deny eye witnesses and physical evidence. The fact that he approached you in public is what is scary, he is obviously getting desperate.
If he had evidence of emails or phone calls from you, I would think he would have presented them to the police by now. Has he shown anything to his cohorts at work? I would venture a guess that he really doesn’t have anything incriminating. If he is married he would not have wanted his wife to find any evidence so he may have destroyed them thinking he had you so under his control that it wasn’t necessary. I am sure after 3 years he didn’t think you would actually do anything about it.
No matter what though, remain calm and if evidence of you saying you love him or whatever is presented don’t act surprised or like you are caught, just act like “of course I sent it………I was desperate to get him to stop, I would have said or done almost anything to get him to stop, he was jeopardizing my job, I was afraid for my safety. Maybe it wasn’t smart but I was desperate.” any one would have to understand that.
Please let me know how this all turns out and BE SAFE!! make sure he never has the opportunity to get you alone anywhere. have someone walk you to your car everywhere. If you go to the mall or grocery store find a security guard and tell him you are afraid for your safety and would he please walk you to your car. Do not feel foolish for asking, it is their job to make sure people in that establishment are safe and if he won’t, ask to speak to the store manager. I mean it!
big hugs and prayers God keeps you safe.