What’s Porn Got To Do With Anything

I love TedX Talks and watch them quite often. You can always find something of interest to watch and they cover every topic imaginable under the sun.miley

I have never had an issue with porn; I even watched it with various partners; that is until I met JC. THEN I had a problem with it!! Prior to meeting him I had never had a man prefer porn to having sex with me. Prior to JC I had never gone up to a man wearing something sexy and revealing and had him push me away, or tell me to go to bed he was going to be right there and then wake up in the morning and realize he had never come to bed. Almost daily I would get up and find him either still glued to the screen or asleep with his face on the keyboard, it was probably the most ego destroying thing that ever happened to me. It destroyed my confidence about my body and my sleepingattractiveness, my ability to attract men and keep them satisfied sexually.

Something I had never had a hang up about in all my years as a sexually active woman slowly became my biggest insecurity. I suppose that was his intent, after all he set out to destroy me and it was obvious I did not have a hang up with sex and so he made it his goal to change that about me.

From my research into narcissists and psychopaths I have discovered that many of them are addicted to porn. I didn’t think of it past the insult it was to me and yes some of the stuff JC watched was violent and i didn’t like that he watched it, I didn’t like that he seemed to favor the “Barely legal teens” category. I still was taking it as a personal insult and I most certainly did not see the correlation between the fact that in porn people don’t touch, it is all about penetration and not caressing or kissing or anything close to loving and the fact that JC stopped doing anything to arouse me. It was a rather gradual shift, starting with him coming to bed later and later, then it was him pulling me on top of him and I felt like I was nothing more than a vagina for him to relieve himself after hours of watching porn. I mentioned it once, that I wondered some times if he even knew who he was screwing and if I said anything would I snap him out of his sexual fantasy. It eventually got to the point where he would only undo his zipper and not even take his pants off, yet I would be naked. Then the last year or so (that I know of) I discovered he was video taping us having sex. I told myself that at least he was looking at us and not God knows who. Personally, when I accidentally viewed one of the tapes; after his son accidentally viewed it (God help me I think that was one of the MOST devastatingly embarrassing moments of my life)I was mortified. It led me on a search of the internet to see if he had posted it on one of those amateur porn sites. I never found any on the web, but I did find other things he was doing on the net that i really didn’t need to know. A word of warning to anyone who goes snooping on the net; be prepared to find more than you bargained for; enough said.porn

The only time he put any effort into my pleasure was when we were split and then he was the best lover I had ever had and besides that I loved him so deeply I never turned him down when he wanted sex it was the only time I felt wanted by him and it was the closest thing to love I got from him for a long time.

The fellow in this video explains why there is no touching with men who watch porn and how porn affects our whole society. I will let you watch the video and maybe we can discuss it when you are done because I can see a very real correlation between porn and the narcissist. See what you think.

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5 thoughts on “What’s Porn Got To Do With Anything

  1. OMG i can’t believe what i have just read in your ‘What’s porn got to do with anything” I knew he watched porn and i was offended by it, the baby oil was always beside his computer – a bit of a giveaway really, and once when i was using his computer when i clicked back into history to find the site i had been on i was gobsmacked at how much he’d watched in that day, he was the only one allowed to intimate sex, and very rarely kissed, said he just wasn’t a ‘mouthy’ kind of person, That last night when he raped me – i remember thinking i feel like you are acting out a porn fantasy, even my therapist said the police could seize his computer and look in to his porn history, he’s such a dumb ass he wouldn’t even delete it, There’s no doubting the 2 go hand in hand.

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    1. Lonely, did you watch the video also? I found it so interesting and when I heard what the guy was saying it answered so many questions for me. It was like an aha moment!
      It puts him raping you into perspective, why if he was addicted to porn he would need that kind of sex. Like the guy in the video said, it has nothing to do with love or normal sex and everything to do with control and subordination. I am sorry but I forget right now but had you dumped him at the time of the rape? and then he showed up at the door, you let him in and he attacked you. Do I have that right?
      As horrific as it is, it would make sense in his sick mind; the perfect revenge for you dumping him. The one thing a narcissist expects and demands from his victim is their submission and subordination, to reject him, (even though he rejected you first. the victim is damned if they do and damned if they don’t with a narcissist because they treat you like absolute crap, scream at you to get the F out and then when you do what they ask they say you bailed on them or dumped them?????) So by giving him what he wanted he viewed it as you rejecting him and in order to feel he “won” he had to degrade you in the most painful way he knew how and in his mind gain back the control and make you subordinate.
      They are such sick bastards it boggles a normal person’s mind, no one can think like them and that is what makes recovery from being with one so difficult, you can never understand why they do the things they do.
      Big hugs to you

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      1. Hi Carrie,

        First off, he just e-mailed me, the fucking cunt, i just came home from seeing my therapist all strong and feeling good, the asshole is trying to lure me back in FUCK he sends an e-mail saying Hi, i hope Christmas goes well for you. I preferred last year. Love N. Then so stupidly before i can’t even think or know what i am doing i replied ‘so did I’ I’ve broken the no contact rule and failed – i am a shaking mess.

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      2. Hi Carrie,

        What happened was he was ‘offended by me getting a painter in to do some work on MY house’ and then when his anger was too much i suggested he go home that night, after 3 days of ignoring me calling and texting him he finally responded, as always i apologised for ‘offending him’ and then he sent horrible text messages all day, the final one said ‘Or i can come over and fuck you into the correct state of regret’ back then i took this as a flirtation and thought if ‘i pay my dues’ then we will be able to move on. Still not realising what (N) i was dealing with. Stupidly i let him in the house and he ‘fucked me into the correct state of regret’ it was a hideous experience and i some how managed to emotionally switch off and just allowed him to treat me in such a degrading way, at 3am i woke up to him fully dressed standing in my room saying ‘i’m going now i have most of my stuff’ while i was asleep he had packed half a cupboard full of clothes and tools from the shed, but managed to walk over the rope he had tied me up with and left other stuff he used on me on the kitchen counter while taking other stuff off the kitchen counter. I called him and said ‘whats this all about’ his response was ‘if you dare call rape and started screaming abuse at me. I said ‘i never said rape you did’. it’s still so fresh in my mind. I spent the next 24 hours in complete shock and telling no one then finally called a crisis line who were great, i then went into counselling and then started looking into narcissism and it all fell into place, i immediately blocked his number from my phone so i couldn’t receive any further text or phone calls. Now 3 months later he e-mails me, i know how stupid i am for replying, a huge part of me wants to believe he’s not an N, i still grieve the good bits, which i now know were a lie.
        His latest e-mail said ‘i didn’t stop loving you when it all went hay wire, if you ever want to talk to me again i’d like that, i hope we can be friends one day. i replied again ‘what does hay wire exactly mean to you’ and his reply was ‘it wasn’t a loaded question i was just trying to put a name to it.

        It’s soooooooo hard, just when I think i am making progress, it all turns to shit again, I know he will never admit, apologise or even feel anything, and it’s exactly what he wants – me thinking about him.

        i feel like i’m failing again.

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        1. lonely, yes I remember now, sorry…I get confused trying to keep everyone’s story straight, my apologies! I can see why you would think his statement was flirtatious, especially with the history of the relationship and your personal history. I makes me sick to hear how he removed some things and left other things, he made a very clear statement and was obviously living out a scenario he had planned in his head.
          You did so good to block him and get help for yourself, don’t blow it now.
          I know you don’t want to admit what he is, you want everything that has happened to be some sort of mistake, a mysterious lapse on his part and he will get twanged by his fairy Godmother in the middle of the night and be a changed man, beg for your forgiveness and you can live happily ever after. BUT it is not going to happen, ever. It is a total fairytale you have going on in your head because the truth is just to fucking painful to deal with so you create a reality you CAN deal with but it is not reality. You have to force yourself to face the truth because to do otherwise is putting your life at risk.
          Of course you are thinking about him, I am sure every woman who has been raped thinks about her rapist all the time, that does not mean she loves him, it means she is traumatized. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could just shut off our minds when bad things happen, just stop thinking about it; but we can’t and in the case of really horrific events we will relive them over and over again as our mind struggles to process and accept what happened to us.
          Our minds have an automatic self preservation response to ugly events, it won’t allow us to take in more than we can handle, that is why many people don’t remember anything of a tragic event or only parts of it, or tries to minimize what happened, take blame for it happening, anything it can to make it not as bad as it was.
          I cannot emphasize enough that you need to end all contact with him right now! You are not strong enough to deal with him. He is already minimizing what he did by referring to it as “going hay wire” talk about minimizing!! He was trying to put a name to it? How about calling it what it was, rape. I know you are already kicking yourself for replying and deep down you know you will never get what you want from him but you are far too fragile to be strong with him right now.
          Nothing on your side has changed, nothing has gone to shit, you are in the same spot your were two days ago, the only thing that changed is he contacted you. NOW it is in your lap and you have the control, it can only go for a shit if you take it there. How do you want it to go from here. What do you want? These are the things you will never get from him:
          an apology
          he will not change
          you will never have your fairytale romance with him

          If you continue to talk to him this is what you will get
          He will abuse you again
          you will probably be raped again
          you will probably get another STD
          you will get weaker and less able to get away from him
          you will get confused and lose touch with reality
          you will have to start all over with your recovery

          You feel like you are falling again, but you don’t have to. You do not have to give him the control back. Keep control. Do not reply, block his emails and carry on. You were doing very well, continue doing well. He does not have to know you are thinking about him or that his email had any affect on you at all, he will only know that if you tell him. keep control, do not hand it over to him. You can do it and it will be so empowering when you do.
          You are so strong without him, you have proven it, now you need to believe it. I know it sounds like I contradict myself saying you aren’t strong enough to deal with him and then I say you are strong. I mean you are strong when you are away from him, but he is sick, a sane person can not deal with a sick mind and remain strong because it is beyond anything we can relate to or understand, so we lose control. Communicating with a sick son of a bitch makes you sick. Choose to be healthy.
          You can do this!!
          Hugs
          Carrie

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