Rebirth and Renewal

exactly what I try to tell people who come to me asking “when does the pain stop” , “Why does it hurt so bad?” Because growth hurts, the pain is growing pains, maybe you didn’t ask for this life lesson, perhaps you didn’t need it, but maybe you did. You just don’t know why yet. I didn’t understand why I had to learn that lesson, who needs to have their heart ripped out of their chest and stomped on? Now I think my prayers were answered. I always wanted a purpose, to leave a mark on this earth, to have made a difference to people’s lives in a positive way and not just take up space while I was here. I actually worried that I wasn’t using my time on earth to improve it. I think, just maybe I had to go through what I did in order to help others who will go through the pain of being used and abused by a narcissist/psychopath. I will take that reason because in my mind it does make it worthwhile. Life is the greatest teacher if we choose to learn from our experiences. If we see each stumbling block as an opportunity for introspection and personal growth then no experiences in life are bad. If you don’t continue to grow you become stagnant, boring, narrow minded, and complacent. I am not trying to glamorize pain or make light of your pain or make it sound like I sailed through it because I didn’t. My God I tried to kill myself because I didn’t see anyway to end the pain that was ripping me open and leaving me raw everyday and at night in my dreams. JC taunting me to kill myself, laughing at my pain, no one understanding why I couldn’t “just move on”.
Just as I made a choice long ago to love JC and let this wonderful man spoil me and later when I chose to give him one last 2nd chance for the 4th time; after I woke up from trying to kill myself I chose to live, somehow, and learn something from the experience and share it with others and hopefully help someone enough that they didn’t think suicide was the only way to end the pain.
It made me a better person, or maybe it didn’t, maybe it made me more willing to share who I really was and maybe it made me appreciate me more because I understood me more than ever before. All I know is; birth is painful, as is rebirth. But the pain eventually fades and as with child birth you can barely remember the pain years later and it was so worth the effort. No regrets.

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