Closure

Haven’t we all wanted closure. To tie a nice little bow on the relationship so we can move on like he appears to be. But no, he blames us for everything, blames us for our own abuse and after all we did for him. The many times we forgave him, dropped assault charges, paid his way when he lost another job, forgave him when we found him with another woman, and now he is blaming us for everything and going off with a new woman telling horrible lies about us. How dare he!! Where is the justice? 

How can he do this? Because he is a narcissist, I can not say it enough; he does not care about you, her, or anyone but himself. He will not apologize, he will not admit any wrong doing (unless he is trying to  get something from you again) and if he does; it will be a lie and he will abuse you even worse for being gullible enough to believe his lies again.

I cringe at the thought of what must have been going though JC’s head when I forgave him and believed he was going to die in 6 months, I don’t know how he managed to cry real tears, he must have been busting a gut trying to hold the laughter in. When he told me a year after we split (and 8 days after he proposed to the new victim) that “You know it is kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.” and then asked why I didn’t believe that he had always loved me, I couldn’t believe he would have the audacity to even say that to my face. But they are so incapable of compassion or empathy that he didn’t even know how bad he made himself sound.

On his blog he even admitted to looking for other women, indignantly proclaiming that “Yeah I was looking for other women, look what I had to live with.” Oh, so that makes it ok? most people leave a bad relationship and then go looking for another partner. Their minds do not work like a normal person’s mind, they don’t care if your heart is broken, they don’t want to be fair or nice. They want you to be miserable, they want your life to be ruined and they want to look like the victim.

What could he say or do that would make it ok for you? What is it you need? I know I wanted to make him witness my pain, I wanted him to feel awful for what he had done to me, but they don’t care in any way except to get an ego boost out of it; any you lose any remnant of self respect and pride you may have left. You want to rage at him, scream at him what you think of him, tell him what an awful person he is, list all the good things you did for him, and tell him what a loser he is. But really, is there anything that you could say that you haven’t already said a hundred times? Did it do any good, ever? No I didn’t think so. 

And what if he did admit to everything he did wrong? and swear he’s changed……so now you can torture yourself thinking that the new woman is getting everything you should have gotten for all the time you put in. He does not change but he would like you to think he has and even by admitting he was an asshole he then gets to be the nice guy admit his faults and STILL break your heart and get you obsessing about him. Win win for him and you  are still no further ahead.

The only thing that would make you happy is if he came back to you a changed man, begging for your forgiveness but you know that it would be a pack of lies and he has not changed. So that is living in fantasy land again. 

You want the magic potion that is going to make the pain go away and it just does not exist. There is no quick fix, there is no closure except to know that he is a narcissist and he can not change and will not change and he does what he does because he is a narcissist. If he was a normal guy you wouldn’t be going through this. The reason you hurt so bad is because you were dealing with a narcissist, a manipulative, mean, heartless, soul sucking, user and abuser who whittled away at your sanity and self esteem for however long, and the pain of that is going to take time to heal. You will not find healing in him, he can not do it for you. 

He is the one who took great pleasure in destroying you it would be nice if he would put you back together but he isn’t; he can’t even IF he wanted to, he doesn’t know how or care and really there is no one who can fix it for you. With the help of family, friends, a good counselor, and a support group of some kind YOU have to heal yourself. Another man isn’t going to fix you, and you can’t ignore it and bury yourself in work or booze, or drugs, the only way to heal is to understand what happened to you by researching it, talking about it with people who understand, and allowing yourself to grieve the loss of what you thought was the love of your life. You are allowed to grieve, cry and be sad, you earned it, eventually it will get easier, as soon as you stop looking to him to make it right for you. 

Consider your closure to be no contact. That is your closure.  I know it is hard to think that you will never hear his voice again, never see him again for the rest of your life, it hurts too bad to even think about it. Then don’t. Think about not talking to him today, this hour, take it one day at a time and after a while you really won’t want to talk to him because you will realize you are feeling so much better and you will be afraid to talk to him, knowing he will just bring you down. You might even slip one night and in a moment of weakness pick up the phone and call. I have never talked to a woman yet who didn’t regret doing it, it might take a time or two before you get sick of setting yourself up for hurt but sooner or later you will decide it simply is not worth it to call.

I get women who email me and it is two days after he dumped them and they are heart broken and want to know when the pain stops. I hate to tell them, 2 years. That seems like an impossible length of time but it isn’t the fresh heart ripped out of your chest kind of pain for 2 years and if you don’t waste time trying to be friends or get closure you could heal a lot sooner. 

You don’t want to hurt, I get that, no one does. You never wanted to be treated the way he treated you, disrespected like that, who does? It is a horrible night mare that you can’t wake up from and you just want it to go away. You wish thing could have been different, if only he would have…………fill in the blanks. Or if you had ………………… fill in the blanks. What ifs and if only’s are not going to help and there is nothing you could have done differently except you could have left earlier but there is nothing you could have done to save the relationship. You tried everything you could, remember? and it was never good enough.

I remember thinking I could have done something different, if I would have not gotten angry……..no wait I did try not getting angry and he kept pushing my buttons until I had no choice but to react. I could have not gotten jealous……….no wait I did stop reacting to that too and he just stayed out later and didn’t come home at all and then it was my fault because I didn’t care enough. I  could have been sexier…………no wait I tried that too and he pushed me away.

I could have not voiced an opinion and just been there waiting with his dinner whenever he arrived home and greeted him with love and happiness……….no wait……….that would make me a stepford wife and I would be so miserable I would have to leave, I could never be that kind of woman and besides he always bitched about the money I was costing him so I wouldn’t be able to work if I was waiting at home for him and didn’t go anywhere so I would have to independently wealthy. I could never get sick or have any expectations of him at all. 

I would have had to live my life for him, alone, and it never would have been good enough. When I realized that I didn’t need closure any more, I had my closure.

I hope you all find your closure, you have it, you just haven’t discovered it yet.

Hugs

Carrie

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11 thoughts on “Closure

  1. Closure is so important to many of us and, as you noted, it isn’t something we will receive from an N. This need for closure may keep us thinking about the ex-N, worrying over it, wondering how we might mend things, wishing we could move on. It’s exhaustive and depressing because we will never, ever, ever get what we need from the ex-N. It was this realization that helped me to gain closure.

    After a number of months of NC, we had a very brief email exchange – in response to the final return / exchange of belongings. There were the usual perfunctory comments, but no real feeling/meaning. Did I expect him to try to rekindle? Perhaps, yes, I hoped just a little bit so that he would “like” me again and I would have that sense of peace that all was settled. Shocker – didn’t happen 🙂

    My initial thought was, “Find a way to make him happy; what can you do/say to draw him back?” Then I stopped dead in my tracks and said, “NO! I will NOT allow myself to be pulled back into that vortex of hell. Not again.” It was his cool, aloof and hollow communication that finally empowered me to move on. This was the REAL him – the empty, cold shell of a man. Sure I knew it before, but I finally FELT it and realized it!!

    **We do NOT need the N to give us permission to move on; nor the N’s permission to be happy and successful without him/her. Because taking away from their focus, their attention, is the LAST thing a self-centered monster will give!!!**

    WE EACH have the power to GIVE OURSELVES the closure!! We can see what the N truly is, forgive him/her, embrace the life lesson, and begin to live again!! In our minds we can say, “Goodbye.”

    We have the power to say to ourselves that, unfortunately, not all people are inherently good. Not everyone will love us unconditionally or give grace, forgiveness, and closure. Moreover, we do NOT need forgiveness or love from anyone, particularly the N. We need to FORGIVE, LOVE, and RELEASE ourselves! While I thought I was over my exN before, I was still trapped, like many others, wishing for the closure. What a wonderful feeling it was when I was able to let him go. 🙂

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  2. Good post Carrie. This aptly illustrates that the only way to win with a PD is not to engage wit them at all! But, when our PD came into our lives, we are all probably a little too naive, a little too trusting. We were hungry for love and romance, and these jokers realized that! Tempting as it is to take all the blame on ourselves for being “too gullible”, the fact is, we just didn’t know and understand what we were dealing with. These people were savvy enough to present themselves as being sweet, charming, attractive and normal! Little did we realize it was a mask to fool and dupe us! Then use and abuse us! Now we know the signs and red flags to look for! We’ve grown stronger, and won’t be so “gullible” ever again! We’re better now! Take care kid! Love ya GF and big hugs!

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  3. Hiya,
    Your blog is quickly becoming my weekly counseling session, i read youre words and think to myself “yes, thats exactly right! Thats exactly how it felt!” The things you speak of, your experiences and feelings are so close to my own. Thank you for giving your thoughts and insights, i know now im not alone. Its helping me heal, ive got a long way to go, i know that but im not on the floor the way i was on New years day just gone. Only 3 months have passed but im nearly up and swinging again. I’ll get there, thanks to brave people like you x

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    • Magpie, thank you so much for taking the time to stop and comment. I appreciate knowing when my blog is helpful to people. “only” 3 months is HUGE! good for you! you are on your way, it gets easier and easier. ^5 If you ever need someone to talk to you know where we are. 🙂 I would love to get an up date once in a while to hear how you are doing.
      Big hugs\
      Carrie

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      • cheers,
        im blogging the hurt out almost weekly! its really therapeutic to just talk it out, even if no one reads it im quite taken aback that a few people have actually started to follow me!
        Things are so personal and my ex would be so easy to trace, due to his name, ive kept it all anonymous. There is also a sense of shame that i allowed this to happen for so long, the way i, a self professed strong woman allowed myself to become so completely dependent on his approval. Im getting there, understanding my own motives for allowing this situation to continue. I worry i will invite another monster into my life, i worry ill never find love again, so many things i have to learn & relearn about myself. i’ll keep dropping by and any advice is always welcome, thank you x

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