Grief, Closure, Personal Growth

My mom and I went for lunch yesterday and while driving we were talking about people I will miss if I have to leave the resort. I keep to myself mostly there, I am there because of where it is, I love the peace and the birds, being to close to nature and God’s heart. For the most part I have been here to heal, I realize that now. I have done so much healing while I have been here and if I have to move on now I suppose it is time (more on that in another post). I am getting sidetracked.

I mentioned one woman who I have met and have only talked to a couple of times but she is a person I liked immediately, quiet, compassionate, kind, you can just feel it exuding from her, not a judgmental bone in her body. I wasn’t surprised when she told me her son had committed suicide a few years earlier, as she told me my eyes had filled with tears and she had been, how do I say it; not nonchalant or matter of fact but at peace with it. She had talked openly about her grief, that he didn’t leave a suicide note or anything, how she came here to heal, how her faith was tested but what ultimately got her through  and how she takes her young grand daughter often. Another woman there had said that she felt people used religion as a crutch.

At another time I was talking about JC with someone who had known us years ago and had asked what happened. There were 4 of us sitting there and one of the women (the same one who thought religion was a crutch) was saying what so many people do, “If I was ever in an abusive relationship I would have gotten out” , “only weak people stay” You know the judging statements that people who have never been there make. I noticed that the woman who had lost her son was listening intently and our eyes met and there was no need for words.

I told my mom the first time I met the woman I had thought to myself, “She has been through something extremely painful in her life.” I was saying to my mom that you can usually tell when someone has been through a great loss, they are usually very compassionate and nonjudging. My mom said, “But the other woman lost her sister, she should understand.”

and that’s when I had an epiphany, not to diminish the pain of people who have lost a loved one, but there is a difference and I think it comes down to closure. Abuse, suicide require introspection, in order to heal you have to look within and come to terms with what happened. If it was something totally out of your control there is not the need for self reflection.

And I think that is why it is so hard to get over the narcissist, because it is so deeply personal, you have him blaming you, you get no closure; you can choose to put a bandaid on it and mask the pain by getting involved immediately with someone new, or drink yourself into oblivion or whatever else numbs the pain and you will get by but it will haunt you forever and the bitterness grows inside eating you up and you keep repeating history. Or you can choose to take the route that initially takes much more work and seems so much more painful and that is the route of self reflection and taking the pieces of your life that are scattered at your feet and one by one put yourself back together, owning what you need to own and forgiving yourself and not packing stuff that never was yours to pack. I think when a person does this they come out the other side a much changed person. More at peace, more grateful, less judging, more compassionate, and ultimately a better person and stronger for it.

Very few people go through life without getting a few scars, they can disfigure you, They can make you a bitter, angry, paranoid, vengeful person that people avoid or they can be scars that show your inner beauty and strength and draw people to you. But one thing I know for sure, personal grow usually comes at a high price and takes a lot of work. The narcissist takes you half way there. He challenges everything you ever thought about yourself and your world, he picks you apart piece by minute piece and then leaves you laying there. That is why so many victims say things like, “I  feel empty” , “I just want to be myself again,” “I don’t think I will ever be myself again”, “I don’t know what to do”, “I am broken”, why they say that abuse by a narcissist is comparable to being raped at a soul level. How you choose to heal from that is up to you.  It is actually an opportunity that not everyone gets, it is a chance for personal growth that can only happen when you are reduced to nothing and have to rebuild yourself. It can be an amazing journey and when you get to the other side, so worth it.

4 thoughts on “Grief, Closure, Personal Growth

  1. missouriflower

    Very good post Carrie. If it helps anyone, I will say it is possible to “boost” your recovery! Right after my D&D, clenching my fist through the pain, I kept saying to myself “I WILL GET THROUGH THIS, and I WILL BE STRONGER THAN EVER!”.

    Yes, at first, I did feel some emptiness, more like a lack of identity – like looking into a mirror, and saying to myself “Who are you, and what do you want?” The fact, is, I didn’t know!

    Right after that, I took out a journal book, and started detailing my pain, laying out there and blogging my experience so I could heal (now who does that?) LOL. No avoidance!

    I started researching (you can laugh if want to!), how I could get my psycho monkey back! A lady online though, mailed it for me! She started talking about her breakup which was similar to my own, and his “narcissism”. Suddenly, I had an AHA! moment! Everything fit together!

    Oh yes, I also went for a hard swim workout at the gym, and treated myself to a Hot Fudge Sundae! Yum! I joined online forum groups, and reading and sharing with others almost identical experiences proved extremely educational and cathartic for me.

    Yes, it took about 2 years to heal. Over 3 years post D&D now, I feel stronger and healthier than ever. When I come across men with red flags now, I run like crazy and block them! If I can’t find a normal healthy man now, well, I’d just as soon have no man at all. But hope springs eternal!


  2. Susan

    I agree, we are all now educated and experts on Narcissim, and recognize all the flags. I have learned no tolerance. if it doesn’t work for me, I am gone.
    Carrie, your posts are wonderful and you have helped me so much.
    Thank you.



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