Brainwashing Part 3 – Recovery

Did the narcissist know he was brainwashing you? How does he know how to brainwash a person? I think in some cases the narcissist knows exactly what he is doing but more than likely if you could find one that would give you an honest answer; which is about as likely as finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; they would say you were crazy to think them capable of such a thing. When a person’s whole existence is reliant on controlling others they learn at a very young age how to manipulate and what buttons to push to get the reaction they desire.

Many times the victim of a narcissist will describe them as a misbehaving 3-year-old in an adult’s body; which is more accurate than they think. Think about a 3-year-old when he wants something, they will resort to anything to get it; now put him into a 200 lb male body and what do you have? Your ex. Throwing tempter tantrums, punishing you, destroying your stuff because he is mad, lying, hitting you, telling you he hates you. A 3-year-old wouldn’t know anything about brainwashing but if he was left to his own devices that is what would eventually occur, but we put our foot down and most 3 year old’s learn respect, boundaries and they develop a conscience and empathy, by the time they are 4 they understand that their actions can hurt other people. Narcissist’ brains are wired differently than most people and they never develop a conscience. I remember looking at JC crying about how much he loved me and at times I was reminded of a game I played with the kids when I had a day care. “Show me your happy face, now your mad face, ok now show me your sad face.”

It is important to keep reminding yourself that the narcissist does not and will never have a conscience or empathy which means he is capable of doing ANYTHING to get what he wants. Any emotions you think you see are an act,  as much as your mind wants to believe he is innocent and this is all some bizarre misunderstanding, you are dealing with an evil, conniving psychopath and you are fighting for your life, your future and if you have kids, their future also. Do not become a statistic, I think every single woman who has died at the hands of their significant other knew they were in danger but ignored the warning signs and their mind overrode their gut “fight or flight” instinct.

I know JC read magazines like “The Scientific Mind” and “Psychology Today” and was forever on websites dedicated to techniques for getting women into bed, getting women to do anything you want etc. Either way, if they didn’t know what they were doing they have learned that it works and they will do it again.

Whether they meant to or not; they did it, and we are left fighting inner demons implanted into our psyche by them. How do we recovery from it? and how can we avoid it? Because it is so subtle, it is very hard to detect if you are not aware of the techniques used. Any of the techniques by themselves would not result in a person being brainwashed and that is why the victim is unaware of what is happening to them.

As I have been reading the last few days I can find very little on brainwashing being used in domestic abuse cases and most of the information pertains to prisoners of war and cults, but if the same techniques are used and attain the same results it only stands to reason many abuse victims are subjected to brainwashing. Society in general does not believe a person can be brainwashed, whether it is soldiers or cult members let alone domestic abuse victims. The reason people don’t want to believe in brainwashing is because if they believe it then it might happen to them. It is the same attitude that garners abuse victims very little sympathy; generally people do not want to believe it is possible to gain that much control over a normal healthy individual. As long as they are blaming the victim they do not have to face the possibility that it could happen to them and it relieves them of responsibility to do something about it.

Societies tendency to not believe the victim adds to the influence the abuser has over the victim, it makes it easier for the victim to believe she is crazy, everyone she tells about the abuse looks at her like she is crazy. So she goes back.

The biggest step in recovery is admitting and accepting that you are a victim of abuse and mind control, you can not heal when you continue to tell yourself lies.

There are things JC did in the beginning of the relationship that I found strange but basically I chalked it up to a quirk in his personality not as a brainwashing technique and it might be co-incidence. One that hit me today was they say that the brainwasher controls all aspects of the victims daily life; when they sleep, eat, how they dress, what they think and feel right down to when they use the bathroom. It was probably our 3rd or 4th date when JC went in the bathroom and stayed in there for like an hour. I wondered what the hell he was doing in there but of course I didn’t want to be rude, maybe he wasn’t feeling well, when it got to be over an hour I asked if he was ok and he said yes but was in there another full hour. For our entire relationship he would spend hours in the bathroom, I would be on the other side of the door begging to use the washroom and would resort to peeing in a bucket. I stopped keeping my makeup and contact lens in the bathroom so I was able to get ready without using the bathroom. It was very upsetting for me, I figured it was a control issue and was proven right when I got a place with two bathrooms and there was no longer an issue over getting in the bathroom, he no longer took forever in the bathroom.

I thought abusers isolated their victims so it was harder for them to leave, plus there are no neighbors close to run to or to hear the fighting, it never crossed my mind that the abuser isolates the victim to brainwash them or drive them crazy.

I thought JC was just being argumentative and critical and like all victims of this kind of abuse I thought he had stopped loving me and I wanted to do whatever it took to have him love me again. It never entered my mind that he was criticizing me trying to make me lose my identity; I didn’t think it was evil, I just thought at worst he was an asshole.

The untrue accusations, jealousy, suspicions I chalked up to insecurity on his part, and I thought if I proved my unconditional love to him he would eventually see that I was not going to leave or cheat on him. (because all his earlier girl friends had and I was special, my love was special) Now I find out that it is a common tactic of the abuser so your focus is on him totally and your mind doesn’t have time to think of anything but him. If he can keep your mind occupied with thoughts of him, it doesn’t have time to think logically and reasonably and it is easier for him to manipulate how you think and fill your head with lies.

The continual badgering about things he perceives  you did, are thinking, or planning even when you have explained clearly and proven without a doubt that he is wrong. Things he seemed to understand once you explained it and then the next day he is on you about the same thing again and you keep thinking, “If I could just explain better he would understand and stop torturing me about it.” Boy! did I ever have that figured wrong! The more a person tells you that you are a certain way, repeatedly accuses you of thinking a certain way, the more you start to believe it of yourself.

Another thing that will probably ring a bell for most of you is people are much more apt to stay in a relationship that they have invested in, the more time a person invests in the relationship the less likely they are to leave. They think I have too much time invested to walk away now, what if he is just about to change and I will have wasted all that time? Even more so when they also invest money into the relationship, the victim feels they will never get their money back if they leave so they stick it out and will even invest more money; similar to a gambler who keeps gambling to win back what he has lost, he feels it has to pay off sooner or later. Cults often use this strategy by making new members invest large sums of money, they know once people make a financial commitment they will be more committed. How many of you invested money into the abuser? I read some where that only about 5% of victims of domestic abuse come out of it better off financially than when they went in and at least 75% come out of the relationship far worse.  If you follow the theory of brainwashing; the N isn’t just a cheap son of a bitch who’s looking for a free ride, he is actually using one of the techniques used to brainwash people, which leads to another technique; keeping the person dependent on the abuser.truth defense

There is such a lack of education and so many misconceptions out there that we don’t know, no one knows; the depth of evil the woman is dealing with. Consequently the victim doesn’t get the support she/he deserves and (probably doesn’t even know herself), she needs.

Ideally the victim would go away to some all expenses paid spa and be pampered, fed well, exercised, and exorcised.  There would be a team of psychologists, counselors, yoga gurus, life coaches, hypnotists and beauticians. After 6 months the woman would emerge self-confident, strong and ready to tackle anything the world throws at her.

Sadly the facts are that the victim leaves the relationship financially destitute, with the narcissist spewing venomous bile all over them, or he is stalking her, she is trying to get her feet under herself, get a job, take care of the kids (who by the way the N is now trying to get custody of and turn against her) she may be afraid for her life, she is crying constantly, overwhelmed with her situation, can not find anyone who is sympathetic to her cause and even doing the things she needs to for herself just don’t seem worth the effort. People are telling her to “just get over it”, “find another man” That was my mom’s answer to my financial woes, “hopefully you will meet a man with money.” Great! so my only hope of having a decent life is to prostitute myself to some man with money when the thought of being with any man turns my stomach. Thanks for the advice.

The woman feels unattractive, old and can’t put a full sentence together let alone partake in witty conversation with some guy she doesn’t know.  The future looks very bleak. I know I looked horrible, I felt like I had been dragged through a cow backwards (don’t ask me where I heard that saying, I probably made it up), I was skinny, grey, my teeth needed fixing, my face was drawn and my confidence was at zero. And they are supposed to be out trying to get a job.

Overwhelmed with all the above and then usually she is guilt ridden on top of it all.  At first her anger gets her through, or shock, but after not too long she starts to feel guilty, she can think of a hundred things she did wrong, or should have done or not done. The N’s voice is ringing in her ear saying she is selfish, crazy, paranoid and she can remember times she acted totally out of character and crazy, screaming at him like a mad woman. When these times of guilt hit you have to remember WHY you were that way.

Personally, I have always been a good communicator, I can usually express myself concisely and I try to stay on topic, give the other person time to talk, acknowledge what they are feeling, well; when JC and I started dating he said I was so calm, rational and easy to talk to, not like his previous girlfriends. So how did I end up a screaming, crying maniac? for one thing every time I tried to talk he interrupted me, corrected my grammar, misconstrued what I said, twisted my words, changed the topic, walked away, or came at me with his fist raise. Every time I was looking forward to something or had something special happen in my life he found a way to ruin it, the promises he made and never kept. It was enough to drive any woman or man crazy. You must remember the WHOLE picture and not just the parts where you were wrong. Yes I know, the narcissist is never wrong or at fault and you don’t want to be like that, you can see your faults and you are willing to admit them and make amends. All you have to do is be honest, the truth will set you free.

There was not a lot of material on recovering from being brainwashed. The articles I read said that the fastest and most effective method is to do exactly the same thing the abuser did, break you down to nothing and rebuild the person, but they cautioned that it is far too painful and really unnecessary. The core you is still buried and the longer you are away from the abuser (ie: NO CONTACT) the more your old self comes back.

There is a lot a person can do; one of the biggest steps is admitting it happened, being honest with yourself. We are all so used to believing lies, the ones he told us and more importantly the ones we told ourselves. You have to accept what has happened, accept you will never get closure and turn your attention from him onto you.

You have been programmed to believe it was your fault, no one will love you, people will get to know you and realize whatever it was that he saw that made him turn against you. You have an irrational fear that you will be alone forever more because he told you that no one would love you and accept you like he did. Tell yourself it is the bullshit it is. Think about pre narc times, you had friends, and lovers, you were capable and self-sufficient, that person is still there you just have to find her again and you have to be patient with her; she’s been through a lot.

Healing is mainly on your shoulders I am afraid; you are going to have to educate yourself, seek support groups, online forums, (be aware of what kind of forum you join as some of them are stuck on man bashing and staying in the relationship, they just want a place to bitch, you want to heal, not stay stuck in the past) talk to TRUSTED friends who listen without criticizing. If you have friends who insist on telling you all the details of the N’s new life, tell them you don’t want to hear it, it hurts……..and if they don’t stop you will have to cut them out of your life for a while. If they do not respect that, they are not your friend and more than likely if they are coming to you and talking about him they are keeping him filled in on your life. You don’t need it. You may think you want to know what he is doing but it never feels good and always sets a person back in their recovery.

You have to diligently replace the video playing in your head telling you lies about yourself and his new relationship, with positive reinforcement. Every time a self depreciating thought enters your head combat it with a self appreciating fact about yourself. Keep doing it, yell over top of his voice screaming you are not worthy. Fake it til you make it. Eventually you will believe you are worthy of love and every thing else good in this world.

Lower your expectations of yourself, that may sound contradictory but we are all high achievers and expect more of ourselves than we ever expect of other people, give yourself a break, don’t set yourself up to be hurt. If there is a family birthday and he is going to be there, excuse yourself, explain briefly that you do not want to be in his company but you would love to see the person for lunch at a later date or whatever. To go and see him with his new woman, or even if he goes alone, no good ever comes from seeing the N. And stop telling yourself the lie that by not going he is “winning” and you are “losing” or that you “have” to be there. You need to learn that you don’t HAVE to do anything and sometimes you don’t have to be the understanding one who compromises.

Realize that no one that I know of has ever starved themselves to death or died of not sleeping. If you can’t eat make sure what you do eat is healthy, take a supplement, drink some Ensure, your appetite will come back. If you can’t sleep in the bed, try turning on the TV and sleeping on the couch, or stop trying to sleep and getting yourself frustrated because you are watching the clock tick down 3:00, 3:15, 3:25, 3:32…… get up. Sure you will be tired tomorrow but eventually you will sleep.

Avoid alcohol, a glass of wine is a great relaxer but more than a glass or two can be dangerous, that is when the drunk 2 am phone calls happen, when you just HAVE TO tell him what you think of him. Always a regretful decision, nothing worse than being drunk and slurring your words and giving him one more thing to criticize you over.

Be aware of friends that refuse to let you heal, believe it or not there are friends who like you broken, they enjoy your pain and suffering and will feed it if you are not careful. If a friend insists on bringing up your ex even when you have asked them not to or they bring up the subject when you finally are managing to have a good time; it could be time to curtail seeing them for a while. A good friend will take their cue from you, if you don’t want to talk about it, they won’t.

I have put a bunch of links below to many of the posts I have done on the topic of healing. Instead of repeating myself I thought it would give those interested some reading material this weekend. Don’t worry, there won’t be a test. 🙂

Also I took the liberty of altering the 12 steps from AA. The original is in black and my version is in blue.

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

THE TWELVE STEPS OF RECOVERY FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become
unmanageable.  I admit I unwittingly got into an abusive  relationship and that my life was out of control. 

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity.  I have come to the realization that contrary to what the narcissist thinks he is not God and that it is possible for me to restore my sanity and become whole.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we
understood Him. I have made a decision to remove myself from a dangerous situation and trust God has a better plan for my life.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  I will make an honest and fearless inventory of myself and I will only own what is rightfully mine to pack and not accept untruths I’ve been told about myself.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs.  I admit to myself and others I know I can trust, that I am only human and have made mistakes, seeking forgiveness from ourselves first and foremost. 

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. I am ready to work on the areas I want to improve, give up traits that do not serve me well and fully appreciate my many admirable qualities. I accept that my personality is what makes me unique and I will only change things I see need to be fixed. I will never again allow someone else to dictate the person they want me to be. 

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.  I promise to take responsibility for my own safety by starting to trust the gut instincts that God gave me and not drown them out with self-doubt.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.  Make a list of all the things the narcissist did to harm me, forgive myself for allowing it, knowing that from this day forward we will not settle for less than what we deserve. In moments of self-doubt I will reread the list until the self-doubt dissipates. 

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do
so would injure them or others.  I will try to reconnect with family and friends I have lost while with the narcissist, explain in a calm and rational manner what I went through, give a heart-felt apology to those I may have hurt, explain what I am doing to get my life back on track and ask for their support. If they can not give the support I accept that they may not believe me because I have gone back to the N so many times before and it may take time for them to see I am really serious this time. Know that if they refuse it is not me but their own misconception and issues that prevent them from being there for me and find another source of support.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.  In all things I will act and speak the truth and trust that the truth will prevail no matter what the narcissist is doing or saying. The only thing I have is my integrity, I will not stoop to the level of the narcissist but hold my head high and believe that the truth does always come out eventually. Through my actions people will see I am a person of integrity and will have no choice but to respect me. I will trust that the narcissist’s mask will drop and he will be revealed to be the monster he is, all the while knowing that some people will always believe the narcissist and it is not my fault nor responsibility to warn them or change their mind.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.  Whether it is God, karma, or a higher power I will take time daily to clear my thoughts of the narcissist and whether through prayer or a mantra replace the negative beliefs instilled by the narcissist with positive thoughts of what I want in my future. Every day I will find something to be thankful for.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to
carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs. Once I have experienced a rebirth and reach a level of true appreciation for myself and the world around me I will share my experiences with others to help raise awareness about domestic abuse and  I will be a beacon of light for others who follow behind me, showing them the way to recovery and true healing.

Copyright  A.A. World Services, Inc

http://wp.me/p1wKh3-1By                http://wp.me/p1wKh3-A1              http://wp.me/p1wKh3-tU

http://wp.me/p1wKh3-pJ               http://wp.me/p1wKh3-2M0              http://wp.me/p1wKh3-1dD

http://wp.me/p1wKh3-1Um              http://wp.me/p1wKh3-1Tj               http://wp.me/p1wKh3-1tB

Well that is it for now! Part 4 I will discuss how a person can protect themselves from being brainwashed and what family members and friends can do if they think a loved one is in an abusive relationship.

Have a glorious weekend!

Hugs

Carrie

 

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12 thoughts on “Brainwashing Part 3 – Recovery

  1. I was discard this past Nov., two days after our anniversary. I did not realize how controlling my 15 year relationship and married for 9 years. I just thought everything wrong in our relationship was my fault. He was not the type that yell at you but he was passive aggressive and controlling. He had a tracker on my phone (did not find out about after he left) even though I tell him where I’m going. The minute I leave the house. The stuff he has done I did not understand that not how you treat a person that you called your wife. He did not allow me access to our joint accounts. I did not know what and how much money we have. He has gotten us into debt and empty out my saving account before (I sold my car to cover it up, never telling anyone.) I blame myself because we where a one income house whole. I would feel guilty asking for money. What ever I buy he the one that pays for it and approve it. (From my clothes, to grocery and etc.) When I bring up the issue about not knowing what in our joint account he yell at me for not trusting him. So I would back down and blame myself for not trusting him. It drive me crazy when we fighting he would just fall asleep and than I get so mad being emotional. He always saids its trying but I just do not understand why you do not do what you promise. He blame me for the way he left me x (he did not come home and email me the next day that he wanted a divorce, but he did not inform me that for the past two weeks he has filed and move money around) saying “I was to sad for him.” (Which was true I been having health issue and a major health scare.) The sad part was I said your right I was just to sad.

    Right now I feel so lost and empty. Wondering if I can survive this. I hate that he the winner (new girlfriend, nice vacation, more $ than he know what to do with it). While I wonder what kind of job I can get if I can live off minimal wages. I also learned that if you suggest something or used the word “maybe” I will not do it. Because for awhile now “maybe” mean no and suggestion also mean no. You have to be straight forward and tell me what you want me to do and I will do that. I feel brainless, and can not make a decision. I’m in numb right now and at time I’m in shock. At first I feel like the N because all the fighting and yelling I did for the last couple months. I’m trying to stop taking ownership of his bad behavior but it been hard.

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    • Vicky, I won’t repeat everything I have already said. I know you feel numb and in pain at the same time, it all seems so overwhelming, try to take a deep breath and tackle one thing at a time.
      It is NOT your fault, he is sick and will never be well. The new relationship will turn sour just like it did with you but I know it is little consolation when you see him with not a care in the world.
      Just try to remember his life is a lie, imagine how exhausting it must be to always have to lie, hide your true identity and always remain one step ahead of everyone because you don’t want them to pick up on how evil you are. He is not happy. He is miserable but he would never let it show and is trying to make you miserable, THAT makes him feel happy and powerful.
      Please try the 12 steps, just one at a time and see if it helps. Let me know how you are doing. I care
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Hi Carrie,
    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come to your page and found the words and advice I needed for that day and this post is most certainly one of them. I have an 18 year old daughter with my ex so while communication between him and me is almost non existent, I still have to witness the broken promises and lies he lays on her. It breaks my heart and makes me crazy! So when I have a day like today (three years after leaving and blessed by God every day since we left) I am so grateful for your blog. I am the woman you write about – in financial ruin and an emotional wreck from a man who, after 16 years of marriage- lost everything I had worked for because he is a raging narcissist. I have done so much work but I am still working on moving forward. I think I am going to go have that one glass of wine and take a nap now because there’s no one here anymore to tell me I can’t:-) You too have a glorious weekend!

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    • Nona, thank you so much for taking the time to stop and comment. I really appreciate feedback and to know I am helping someone. You have that glass of wine, hell have two if you want! 🙂
      The one thing I am very thankful for is that I never had children with my ex, my heart goes out to you, I can only imagine the hell you have been through.
      You must be a very strong lady to have survived 16 years, I admire your strength to carry on and you WILL survive and thrive somehow just because that’s the kind of person you are. Like me, too dang stubborn to let the bastard win. 🙂
      It is so hard to lose everything you have worked for all those years, I can totally relate as you know, it seems things have a way of working out but the stress is a killer.
      Thanks again for your kind words and have a wonderful day.
      The weather forecast is “not a narcissist cloud to be seen, clear skies and sunshine.”
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. Thank you again for the great wisdom. Knowledge is truly power and without reading all of your experience, strength and hope, I’d be in a tougher spot emotionally. Vicky, I promise you that this will feel better. Just get up, make a list of things you need to do for that day. Pretty soon you will find yourself not thinking about all the fights, the what ifs and most importantly the nasty “tapes” he has played in your head for all those years. You ladies rock and we are the true miracle, survivors for getting to this point. Thank you Carrie for your words?

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  4. False confessions is a perfect example of this. It only takes hours for law enforcement to break a person down. Imagine how the days, months, and years take their toll as they systematically break you down bit bit bit and piece by piece. I can only hope this blog helps others understand so they can finally free themselves from this insidious evil brainwashing of the mind and soul.

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  5. Ours was a long distance courtship and it was so wonderful and passionate and filled with dreams and I went and sold my big beautiful house and my business at a loss to hurry and be with him. Within a week the insults began. I was horrified at the vulgarity. Arguments over nonsense, accusations over imagined crimes I committed in his head. Lies and twisting everything to insult me. I would run to the bedroom so he wouldn’t see me cry. He’d get up for work at 4:30 am, or rather the siren alarm clock, make a racket and at first I asked him to please not make so much noise or turn on lights….oh boy, here it goes, the lecture on how I kept him up a nervous wreck after I started the argument last night and he can’t luxuriously stay in bed, he has to go to work in the cold and the snow while I lay around being of no use to anyone all day. Then the 100 text messages all day long reminding me what a worthless piece of trash I was. Of course, he needed that alcoholic drink (did I say one drink?) because I MADE HIM UPSET at work (incidentally, a military base) all day. I would sneak off to bed and just as I’m falling asleep, lights on and it begins….an hour and sometimes all night long of trashing…..then the oddest thing, call me every vile name ever invented but he would look at the ceiling or out the sliding door, or the window but not right at me. I began to think he had multiple personalities. He said things no decent man would say. He was full throttle and it was frightening. All alone in another state. I would remember how creative and successful I had been, my home my family far away and when I finally fell asleep, I still heard him telling me what a worthless piece of garbage I was. I would wake up in disbelief of where I was, in hell, everything gone to be there with him. I must be stupid for sure.

    My divorce was final a week ago and I fled to my home state but it still doesn’t end. He never runs out of ways.

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    • Jappy, I am sorry you are going through this but happy to hear you escaped back home. Have you gone no contact? it is the only way to ever move on and be happy. As long as you has access to you he will do everything he can to bring you down, hurt you and make your life hell. You have to change your number block him on email, don’t check his FB or other social media and not give him any opening to you at all. Eventually he will give up, but as long as he has some payoff, getting a reaction from you; he will continue. They want attention and they don’t care what kind of attention it is, anger, fear, love, it’s all the same to them, you are thinking about them and that means they can control you.
      HUgs

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  6. Thank you for your encouragement. It’s horrible, Carrie. Last night I was called every filthy name for “deserting” him. I try to go no contact but the texting is relentless. We have to do our tax return which is a part of my settlement. He is stalling around disregarding the deadlines knowing I can’t afford to take this back to court. He feels this is an avenue he can take to torture me until April (oh heaven forbid he try and file an extension). If I don’t answer, he becomes worse because he is an alcoholic in denial. In March, he goes to court for a dui (which is my fault because had I been at home, it would not have happened….yet he will still drive home drunk from restaurants). This could cost him his job, etc. All my fault.

    I have read over half of your blog and I would like to add one of the tricks N do to hurt their victims. Constantly, there was an elbow in my face as he moved about, slept, anywhere, anytime. I had black eyes several times, also broken fingers from him turning suddenly with a tool in his hand, all freak accidents? One particular accident caused me vertigo and vision problems over time. It caused me a brain aneurysm that nearly cost me my life. In the operating room, I taped my son’s picture to my body with directions to not follow lights. It was a time to show some empathy. He stood there cold and jealous over it not being his photo, asked me if I paid my life insurance. I was on life support and he called me names because they didn’t bring him a spare bed. As always, he is the victim.
    We have been separated two years and all this happened over six years. I am in my late 50’s. Thank goodness for my own strength and values and family.
    He sends me weekly FB invites. I’m afraid to block him because it will give him more to harass me about. I did not accept his invites.
    Thank you for your blog. It has helped me figure out what was wrong. It all fits like a glove. It’s so caring of you to want to help so many other broken souls.

    These people are monsters.

    xox

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    • Jappy, I don’t know much about taxes etc but what would happen if you told taxation that your ex is being unco-operative, abusive and you cannot deal with him directly and ask them how to proceed? There must be other instances where that happens, they can’t expect you to work with an abusive man and you should be able to file your portion of the return and then he does his. if it is a joint refund you can bet you will not get your fair share anyway, it will be one more thing to control you with. I can guarantee you that as long as you have contact with him he will do everything he can to make your life hell.
      I know you are afraid of him but to continue to do the dance with him is not appeasing him, he will eventually get frustrated anyway and you won’t know when it will happen. At least if you go no contact you know to watch your back and if you see him to stay clear.
      If you are no contact you block his texts and emails so you don’t see them and then they can’t affect you. He is never going to quietly go away, never; it always has to be the victim to make the move to no contact; even if he has another woman he will still try to keep you doing the dance.
      Your ex sounds like a very dangerous man and I fear for your safety, he obviously is capable of planning an “accident” for you so he doesn’t have to share any tax return money. Right now he is playing nice, you never know when he will snap and lose sight of the facade he obviously has a very hard time keeping hidden.
      I hope you have downloaded the free download for a safety plan at the top of the blog. So many victims refuse to believe their ex could ever really kill them, yet they have been abused physically for years. You should be very afraid and ending all contact with this monster. You are in the brain fog of a typical victim, you need to look at this as an outsider, this is not normal or rational in any way. Abuse has become so “normal” to you it does not shock you or even get acknowledged by you. Broken bones, aneurysms, black eyes. Right now you are playing Russian Roulette with a psychopath, I really try to not tell people what to do but in your case I am going to tell you, you need to call the police, tell them everything, I hope you took pictures of the abuse but if not then keep the texts, show them all the FB requests and ask for a no contact order. Ask an accountant about the tax return. You do not have to see him to file, hire an accountant if nothing else. I would not be in this man’s company again ever!! Secure where you live and block him on everything including changing your phone number. You are not going to know when he is going to kill you by staying in contact and you are not protecting yourself by trying to appease him by staying in contact. You are putting yourself in danger.
      Please let me know how you are doing
      Hugs

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  7. Thank you for caring and I feel the strength of your concern in your warnings to me. I understand now the accidents were very calculated. I hope the readers learn that these acts pave the way for new ways to inflict pain. If I laughed it off with him, then next time it goes up a notch. Strictly for his enjoyment.
    We are in different states now, 1400 miles apart but I know that means nothing. I set up cameras outside. He jumped on planes so many times, accusing me of affairs. Bull, he just wanted to show me he was in control. I was recovering from brain surgery and that storm Sandy flooded the house. I could not spend the winter with no heat, no gas all alone. I remained where I was in Florida. This is when the “deserter” came into play. Yes, I did not want to return there right away. I had a wonderful group of friends (to him, a bunch of hookers and my 90 year old father the pimp) and family to help me. My reality was that I was on seizure medications, I had nerve damage to my left leg, the lower right quadrants of my vision are gone in both eyes. He disregarded my condition and told me I was anorexic and hooked on drugs.
    Leaving is by far the worst thing you can do to these people. We had to do our taxes and I agreed to come in March after all his begging and crying (all fake). He picked me up at the airport 10:30 am.
    and started the rant of my cold heart and selfishness. He was drunk after drinking all night. A hundred insults a minute, no facts, just wild talk. And then he told me no neighbors had returned. There was no appointment with the accountant. He had other plans. When we reached the house he got out of the car with the almighty key in hand and staggered towards the front door. I took off and jumped in bushes to hide then called the police. Can you believe I was in such fear of my life and I still felt bad about having him arrested? The police took me back to the airport. Brainwash mildly describes what can be done to you. His drinking screwed the act up. He could turn the tears on as needed on the phone, cry, beg, you are the love of my life, I can’t live…….yada yada waaaaah and forget to disconnect the phone…..and yes my voicemail recorded the violent rage that followed! And I have the text messages and so does my lawyer.

    When I think of the intensity of the love and passion from our courtship and the generosity too with jewelry, I wanted that back so bad that I kept trying to transform him back. But that was never real.
    His misery is always my fault, every truth is twisted, every debate becomes about me degrading him, I’m selfish, lazy, stupid, worthless. It started the first week I moved into the house.
    And guess what? There therapists don’t want to deal with these people!! The N respects no one.

    The tax return gets done on the phone and I do want to listen in and be a part because he will not file honestly. The final judgement awards me the tax refund. He will try to delay this since its of value only to me. This way he still gets to abuse me on the phone.

    Thank you again. It feels so good to find others that relate and you have a wonderful website here. hugs.

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