It is hard to believe but I have had this blog for 3 years, I had my first visitor on April 18th 2011. Slowly I started picking up followers and now I average between 800 and 900 hits a day and have over 900 followers. It blows me away that I have had over half a million hits on my blog, people from almost every country, countries I haven’t even heard of come to my blog. To touch that many people’s lives is such an honor and responsibility, sometimes I feel I am so under qualified to speak with authority on anything and people put too much stake in what I have to say. I haven’t taken any courses, I have no training, I am just like everyone else who has been involved with a narcissist/psychopath; stumbling along trying to survive the best I can and willing to share what I have learned along the way. If anything I hope people learn from my mistakes because I certainly didn’t “do it right”, I made every mistake there is to make when dealing with a narcissist. I have cried reading people’s comments and emails and take each one very seriously because I know that they are coming to me because they are desperate for answers, grasping at straws and at times I know that their lives are in danger either by the hand of their significant other or their own hand because they are at the end of their rope. I have dangled at the end of my rope many times over the course of the last 3 years, it has been a tough 3 years; the toughest of my 56 years on this earth and I have often thought; who am I to pretend to be some sort of expert on the topic of abusive relationships when I am so unsure of myself? But I never claimed to know it all and only ever offered to let people join me on my journey, which they have and I am ever so grateful for the company. If I have been of help to anyone, I am grateful for that; it makes the journey worthwhile and turns the worst experience of my life into something positive and has given me a purpose and reason to carry on. I was recently awarded the Sunshine Award by a fellow blogger Sunshine, a link to her post is here avictimsjournal.wordpress.com
she is a wonderful writer and her blog is certainly worth a visit, she chronicles her experiences with a narcissist in such a way it’s hard to stop reading, I was lost in her blog for a couple of hours the other day.
Seeing as I am turning 56 in a few days I thought I would change the rules a little bit and instead of telling facts about myself (because I doubt I could come up with 10 facts that I haven’t already shared on my blog) I am going to give 10 things I have learned in my life and would like to pass along to young women.
1. Prayer works, when life seems too much, pray! and then leave it in God’s (or your higher power) hands when life is so great you can’t believe it, pray and give thanks!
2. Listen to that inner voice. We all have it and we don’t listen to it. If there is one thing that will save you from the hardships in life it is that inner voice if you would just listen to it!
3. Never say never. The minute you say I will never…… or it could never happen to me……. there is a karmic force out there that will bring it to be. It saves having to eat a lot of your own words down the road and believe me they are not tasty but very bitter and leave a bad taste in your mouth. (thank God they don’t have calories or I’d be obese)
4. Never judge someone else. You don’t know what they have been through, every one has their own story and you just don’t know how you would handle the situation, even if you have been where they are, you do not have their history. We all do the best we can with what we have. (except narcissists) A recent example is my neighbors. They are a couple who live in a small trailer behind me, she goes to work everyday and he stays home. He seemed very unfriendly and after a few times of smiling and saying hello and him not smiling back or replying I just thought he was a grumpy old guy. I was even thinking maybe he was abusive, they stick to themselves, she seemed nice and smiled and waved but viewing it from my experience I had come to the conclusion he was controlling at the very least. Last night she came out while I was hacking away at the blackberry bushes that have taken over half the common grassy area. We started talking, I have been here a year and that was the first time we had a conversation. I come to find out 5 years ago she got a call from her husband’s work saying he was being taken to the hospital. He had 7 strokes in the course of a day and an aneurysm, he has never been the same since. Their lives changed in a blink of an eye, they rented out their house and moved to the tiny trailer because it was easier for him to be in a tiny space, he doesn’t talk to anyone because he is embarrassed that he is slow thinking now and if anyone asks him a question he takes a long time to put his thoughts into words. Today, instead of giving a wave, yelling “How are you today” and continue walking, I stopped and engaged him in conversation and we talked for 10 minutes, He had found Stella favorite ball and gave it to me, he was smiling, he talked just fine. A whole year I have lived here and had a total misconception about him.
5. The best laid plans can fail, so you had better have a plan B, C, and D and then be prepared to go with the flow.
6. Some things aren’t worth fighting for. Some times we think we know what is best for us or what we need to be happy but it seems that at every turn something is keeping us from attaining it. If something is too much work to get, if it doesn’t fall into place relatively easy; it isn’t meant to be. When things are happening the way they should there is a synchronicity to it, you just know it is right. If it is too hard to get, someone or something is telling you to rethink it. Often times when you are so focused on what you want you miss the opportunity to get what you truly need.
7. Never lend money you can’t afford to never get back. This isn’t just with the N but with everyone. If you lend money to your kid, a friend, a sibling, give it with the idea that you won’t get paid back. If they do pay you back it is a bonus but if they don’t, you weren’t expecting it and there is less heart ache for all involved. Do not assume the person will be there for you when you are down and out, even good people can be selfish.
8. Never let someone else define who you are or who you SHOULD be. Especially a man. Every person is unique and everyone is lovable and worthy of love. If the person you are with doesn’t see your beauty and cherish you, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you or them; it just means you are not meant to be together, move along BEFORE someone is wrong. Not everyone is going to love you, there is nothing wrong with that. But if a person blames you because they don’t love you and expects you to change before they will love you and treat you right; it will never be right.
9. Never think you can change a man. What you see is the best of what you are going to get. When you meet a man remember he is on his best behavior at first. If you are the only woman who understands him, the only woman he has ever been able to be honest and open with, if you are the only woman he has ever loved like this more than likely he either has really poor taste in women or he drives women to be bitches and you really don’t need a man like that. Don’t let your ego override your common sense.
10. In everything you do, put your kids first. You have one chance to be a parent to that child. Even if you think the man is the love of your life; if he is, he will respect your need to be there for your children, any man who doesn’t understand is not worth your time. I am not just talking N’s, I regret the amount of time I wasted thinking I needed a man in my life and now wish I would have dated a whole lot less and cherished the time with my boy a whole lot more. There are so few years that you have with your child before they grow up and are off living their own lives, there is no getting those years back. I can not count how many men I dated in those years, most of them not worth my time and effort or the tears I cried. I wish I would have known in my 30’s and 40’s what I know now; that happiness is not found in a man, I don’t need a man, and any man that I share my time with had better be very special because I am special.
I am going to throw in an 11th observation I have made in my life because it is very important.
11. Cherish and cultivate your friendships. I have never been one to have a lot of friends but I was a good friend to those I had (I am just not a social butterfly, my mom has a ton of friends but she needs to be busy that way). It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, what matters is that you never dump them for a new man. Friends know you better than anyone and most of them have your best interest at heart, they can see things you can’t because you are blinded by love. Plus when things fall apart you will have someone who will bring the gallon of ice cream or white wine and hand you kleenex while you cry. Women with friends go through the same heart break and trials that every other woman goes through but they get through those times a lot easier than women who have to go it alone. Friends will be your friend your whole life, guys come and go. If a man expects you to give up your friends for him, you really need to kick him to the curb.
I am going to go back to the very start of my blog and award the people who were there for me faithfully when I was going through the worst of my struggles 3 years ago, when I was hanging on the cliff of my sanity by my finger nails and JC was stepping on my fingers, the people who were there saying. “Hang on a little longer and if you fall we are here to catch you.”
The first two blogs I tried to nominate no longer have blogs but I wanted to mention them because these two women were the first people to come to my site and comment and they never gave up on me, not when I was feeling sorry for myself, when I truly felt broken beyond repair. There were days that I would sign into my blog and pray there would be some comment that would help me get through the night and they never let me down.
Word Fall From My Eyes
1. The first nominee who still pops in once in a while is http://tikktok.wordpress.com/ she started coming in with Mystery Coach and has hung in all this time. Her and MC patiently tried to drum NO CONTACT into my head day after tearful day. She blogs about her wonderful life raising chickens with her Honey Bunny. Although she doesn’t talk about it, Tikk barely survived a horribly abusive relationship and is living proof that you can survive, thrive and find love after a narcissist/psychopath.
2. This man was another early supporter, I haven’t seen him in a while but he was a huge supporter back in the day when I really needed it. He is a married man who travels the US gathering information for his books about life as a cowboy. He also posts recipes and other tid bits. A talented writer http://campfireshadows.com/
3. Third is Michael, who’s blog is titled Words From The Heretic and can be found here. http://emveeart77.wordpress.com/ Michael is a single guy living in Vegas, and he has been a staunch support and reblogger. He has made some of the funniest comments on the blog mostly referring to what he would like to do to JC, which always put a smile on my face, especially through a tough time a year and 1/2 ago when JC was coming in here under aliases making horrible comments. Michael even got his mom interested in my continuing saga. Hugs to your mom Michael!
4. Tales from Around The World used to be Tales From The Lou and can be found here http://talesfromthelou.wordpress.com/. Lou keeps me up to date on the happenings around the world, no need for a newspaper when you subscribe to Lou’s site. He started coming to my site after I posted on another site about poverty, he reposted my comment as a post on his site. Lou doesn’t say too much but I know he is always lurking in the back somewhere and always has a word of support whenever I’ve needed it. He passes along information about psychopaths etc when he find it. He is also my neighbor and lives on Vancouver Island.
5. The next lady doesn’t post often but when she does, she invariably makes me cry.
http://oracleofthepearl.wordpress.com/ writes poetry that cuts to the heart, I guess because she might as well be writing about my experiences. I don’t know if she even comes to my site but she has touched my heart so many times I had to include her as one of the people who got me through some of the toughest times.
6. Now we come to Paula, wow, what can I say about Paula? I am not sure when she started following me, I know I was following her first. She has published a book about her experiences with a sociopath, and like me shares her experiences and research in an effort to help others heal after N abuse. I admire her so much, she is a very talented writer but more than that she has a heart of gold. She has helped me SO much, with words of encouragement, she encouraged me to put a donation button on my blog and was the first to donate last year, this year she sent me a laptop when I lost mine. I am honored to call her a friend and if you haven’t been to her site it is well worth your time to check it out http://paularenee.wordpress.com/
7. And then we have Peter, another talented and recently published writer http://countingducks.wordpress.com/
His new book “Living Life Backwards” was a wonderful read and I am hoping he has a sequel in the works. Peter came to my blog about 2 years ago when I was living in that hell hole of a trailer with no heat, running water, and very low on hope. He posted about me asking for prayers and support for me, which I found quite by accident when I Googled my own name looking to see if JC had put any more slanderous blogs on the net. I went to check it out and started following on my first visit. To be honest I wasn’t sure if Counting Ducks was a man or woman but I loved how they wrote (not just because it was about me lol) Peter has been a faithful follower ever since and always has words of support and is happy for the good things that come my way.
8. Shirley, another strong woman, who always has words of encouragement and who also sent me money, even though I am sure she could ill afford it. She is a sweet lady who I am sure never in a million years she would have to be fighting for Justice for Raymond, http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com/ Every mother’s worst nightmare, their child not only dies but under suspicious circumstances yet no charges are laid. Shirley has been interviewed on TV and challenges all depts involved in criminal investigations, she fights to change regulations, she challenges when she sees injustice. I admire her immensely.
9. Jan, who’s site is Welcome To My Merry-Go-Round joined my emotional roller coaster long ago she can be and found here http://janheath1234.wordpress.com/ is another caring blogger who faithfully posts and about her life and has always been very supportive through my trials and tribulations.
10. And last but not least, another neighbor Janice, another published writer who struggles with PTSD after years with an abusive husband who is now with a woman who used to be her best friend. (sound familiar) I am not sure who found who or how long we have known each other, I can’t believe I am living in the town she used to live in with her husband and yet we haven’t met face to face. Her site can be found here http://auroramorealist.wordpress.com/
So that is my list. I consider every single one of these bloggers to be far superior to me as far as writing skills and am honored to have them follow me. I think each of them are the epitome of what a blogger should be, not only do they offer good content and put a huge effort into their posts and respond to comments etc they also are out there reading and commenting on other people’s blogs and showing their support. So UN narcissistic of them 🙂
There are many more bloggers that I could nominate but I had to pick 10 and this has taken me days to finish as it is. I do not expect the recipients to complete the requirement in order to accept the award, just accept it with my blessing and thanks, display it on your blog, and bask in the glow. 🙂 Of course if you WANT to nominate someone feel free!!! Sorry Sunshine for changing the rules, I just know how hard it can be to find the time to fulfill the requirement, I had NOT done it many times myself.
Now I off to hand out awards.
hugs to all.
Have a great day!