Does The Pain Ever Stop?

People come in to this blog looking for answers and one of the main questions is, “When will the pain stop?” up until now I lied. I would say, “Trust me, the pain ends.” But I couldn’t tell them when because I was still in pain and I didn’t think they could handle knowing that it had been almost 3 years and I was still in pain, albeit I was much better than I was in the beginning and getting better every day .

But now I can honestly say, “The pain ended at some point this last year, I don’t know the exact date, there was no aha moment or angels singing, no flash of light, and the earth didn’t tremble.

When did I realize I was no longer in pain? Yesterday.

I was going to write a sarcastic “you scum of the earth, son of a bitch, asshole, who needs you” letter to JC and I even contemplated a “How special do you feel now bitch?” letter to M. I started both letters and deleted them because I hate doing things 1/2 assed and for the life of me I could not dredge up enough hatred, pain or resentment to do a good job of either letter, it just wasn’t going to be as much fun as I had thought, so I gave it up.

I call that is being healed.

I went back to the very beginning of my blog the other day and read some of my earlier posts; the pain was palatable, there were events I have since forgotten about, things I thought I would never forget. Oh how I struggled with “no contact”, I was the queen of excuses why it was not my fault he contacted me and hurt me time after time. I was stuck on victim for a long time. I think the real healing began when I moved into this little cabin. Where a person lives is so crucial to their mental state, for me anyway and this cabin has been my salvation. Living in that little holiday trailer with no running water, no power, no toilet, no phone reception and two dogs all but killed me, I don’t think I would have healed had I stayed there. Too top it off the guy who owned the trailer thought he should be getting sexual favors for his generosity, it didn’t matter that I said no in no uncertain terms, he was married, or that I had just come out of the relationship from hell; he wanted sex. It made me feel cheap, worthless and hopeless. Once I got the cabin I never talked to him again except to tell him that he was a despicable person to try to take advantage of a woman who was so vulnerable. Living there sucked what life I had left after JC was done with me; right out of me.

My cabin is for sale now; the realtor came last week,  took pictures and put the For Sale sign up. I am sad to leave, I live on the edge of a bird sanctuary, and sanctuary is the right word for it, not just for birds. It has been my sanctuary, I have stuck to myself for the whole year and just let the cabin, the marsh, eagles, Heron, ducks, geese, Kingfishers and gardens heal me. Nothing heals a person’s soul better than to sit and watch nature unfold before your eyes, mine anyway. They are asking  more for it than I was buying it for and if it sells for over my price they will cut me in for part of the profit, which is more than fair of them, but fair none the less because I have worked very hard on the outside.

I don’t want to move again. because I love the place but also I hate moving AND I don’t know where I will find a place for me and a big dog that I can afford. But I can’t afford to buy it either, my payments were to up to $900/month last month and then next year to $1100/month eventually up to $1500 a month in 5 years. It was going to be tight but feasible when I had a job, on disability impossible and to put more money in just to lose it 5 years down the road would really hurt and maybe being here was just supposed to be my place to heal and God has other things, better things in the future for me. I can’t think what would be better but often times we think we know what we need and are wrong so I will wait patiently to see what transpires.

There are still things that could save it for me; 1. it might not sell, then I can continue to rent for $500/month until next year. 2. If I could find an investor who wants recreational property there are two lots here, the other lot isn’t on the water and doesn’t have a trailer or home on it but if someone wanted to invest say $20,000 I could probably get the previous owners to carry the rest of the mortgage if the investor and I each paid $500 a month. I was thinking of my son, he could live on one lot and me on the other lot but I know  he doesn’t have $20,000 and I don’t know if he wants to live in Mission. It is not exactly his type of place.

Who knows, God has a plan. One thing I know for sure is; that this was my healing place, I went full circle; this is where it started and this is where it ended. I moved here with James in early summer of 2001 full of hope and optimism, excited about starting our life together.  When I left Mission in 2003 I looked in the rear view mirror and said I would never be back. But at that point I was never going to go back to him either.

It was hard to come back, so many memories, most of them bad, but I had to face my demons and I did and I won. I can not think of the cabin as anything but healing and rejuvenating, being here was salve on so many open wounds. I see such a difference from the me that arrived here a year ago and the me today. It is no longer a chore to keep the house clean, I hardly ever cry anymore and when I do it is because I miss Kato or Laila, or because I read an especially sad post or got an email from some broken soul begging for answers or because someone on here has given the words of encouragement I needed so badly at the time or someone reached out to help me; but I never cry because of JC.

When I went for lunch with my mom today she was saying I looked so much better with some weight back on, I am not quite the weight I was when I met JC, probably 10 pounds lighter. I said it was because I am not working as hard but it also is no stress. She said I look 10 years younger than I did when I moved into the cabin. She always says she doesn’t know how I survived that year in the trailer. I said I feel younger, much more at peace, she said she hoped this year is a better year for me and we started listing all the things that happened last year. It is really hard to imagine all that happened last year.

Here is the list of what I experienced in one year;

1. Lost my business.

2. Got what I thought was  my dream job (as it turned out one boss hired me with one intention and the other boss hired me with a totally different expectations and they were not my expectations so it would not have lasted any way, I was not happy there, but it was a steady pay check)

3. Got to meet my 3 yr old grand-daughter for the first time.

4. Found money I didn’t know I had that I used as a down payment when I;

5. Bought my dream cabin

6. JC put a tracking program on my phone and started monitoring my whereabouts, phone calls and text messages

7. The mechanic at work  found a tracking device under the deck of my work truck.

8. I got fired because someone placed an “anonymous” call to the owner of the business. The post about it is here http://wp.me/p1wKh3-1RD

9. I had heart failure a couple of weeks after that and almost killed myself when I passed out while driving to emergency, spent a week in the hospital. Although the work thing was resolved, it no doubt had something to do with my 2nd heart attack.

10. I received a letter from the management board saying there had been an “anonymous” complaint made about fighting going on at my cabin in the middle of the night. Apparently me fighting with my boyfriend was keeping people awake. I live on a dead-end street, have never had a boyfriend since moving here, didn’t even have a TV that could have been turned up too loud. I asked all my neighbors if they had complained and they didn’t know what I was talking about. Then I got a concerned text from the previous owners. They certainly didn’t need to be getting complaints while they are back east trying to relax.  I explained I didn’t know what was going on but there was no fighting going on and I suspected James was behind it somehow. They wrote the management board backing me 100%.  A few months later the previous owners contact me again, they have gotten a second email from the management board about the fight going on at my cabin. I wrote a letter to the board and the owners saying the next time this “anonymous” caller calls; to tell them to call when it is happening so someone from the board can come down and listen. I assured them they would never get a call because there was no fighting going on. Later someone from the management board called me over and said that they hadn’t had any more complaints and they hadn’t sent the owners an email.

11. See link on #6. I found a blog JC had on WordPress called, “Disgusted With Lady Witha Truck” where he used my full name and blog name in trying to slander me.  A little later the blog disappeared and another one appeared with more slanderous remarks and he was raving about how happy he was with M in one comment and criticizing her in the next comment. Then THAT blog disappeared. But not before I took a screen shot of it.

12. I put a donation button on my blog and made almost $900 in donations and some people sent me cheques directly bringing the total to around $1300 which kept me going until my unemployment kicked in. Thank you everyone who helped out.  The out pouring of support was overwhelming and helped immensely towards renewing my faith in humanity.

13. I don’t know how many times I was late with the mortgage payment, either I was waiting for my sick benefits to start, or waiting for my brother to do my T4, or waiting for my unemployment benefits to start and now I am waiting for my income tax refund cheque. But the previous owners have been beyond wonderful and understanding. These people are saints! I definitely do not blame them in the least for putting it on the market. They even lowered my monthly payments to $500 to make things easier for me. It has gone a long way to restore my faith in humanity and that there are good caring people in the world.

14. Laila attacked the neighbors dog and then Kato got involved and they almost killed the little thing, I peed myself I was so scared and ended up laying on my dogs holding them while having chest pains.

15. Two days later I put Laila down and it took 2 and 1/2 hrs of her fighting it before she finally closed her eyes, it still rips my heart out thinking about it.

16. My son drove out from Sask and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my whole family for the first time in 13 years. The last time I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my family we held dinner for an hour and 1/2 waiting for James to get home and were just starting to eat without him when he walked through the door. He said he had cut himself at work and had to go to the hospital, but he didn’t go to the hospital, he stopped at some woman’s that he knew and she bandaged it. Whatever!

17. The park wanted me to get rid of Kato but I fought for his life, people wrote letter of reference for him, even the owner of the little dog came down while I had Kato playing in the lake and he met Kato and said he would tell the board that he had no problem letting Kato stay. More proof that other people do have a heart. We had a couple of months together before he got violently ill and I had to put him down but it was a different vet and so much more humane and I had privacy to hold him and say my good byes. I will never forget his face and the look in his eyes when the vet took him to put the IV in his leg. He stopped at the door and looked back at me with questioning eyes and I smiled and said, “It’s ok little buddy, I’ll be right here when you get back.” So he went with her, He ate a couple of dog biscuits because she had given him a shot and I guess it helped with his stomach pain. Then he laid down beside me, put his big heavy head on my lap, the vet looked at me and I nodded my head and she gave him the injection and he went to sleep. She quietly left the room and said “Take as long as you need.” I still have his ashes that I will spread when the weather gets better. I managed to squeak out $30 to buy a silver locket that I am going to put his picture in. Losing Kato was the worst part of the last year, I can’t think about it without crying but I received so much support on here from everyone and the vet was so kind I made it through.

18. I even found a way to pay for the other dog’s vet bills, another $300.

19. My laptop died and I used my brother’s spare one until he needed it back and when I wrote that I would be taking a break from blogging and why the outpouring of support again was overwhelming. Then Paula shipped me one she had and I had another girl friend offer to buy me a tablet, restoring my faith in humanity even more.

20. I had a knock at my door at midnight, I could hear them shuffling their feet on the porch but even though I yelled 6 times “Who’s there” no one answered and eventually left. I asked everyone in the park and no one came to my door that night. When I asked Doris’s sons if it had been one of them they said no but one of the boys (he’s not a boy, he is in his 40’s) gave me his phone number and said to call any time if there is trouble and he will be down in a heart beat.

21. My son shipped me a puppy for Christmas and she is so full of love and sweetness she heals my soul everyday.

22. Every day I feel myself coming back, I look in the mirror and I don’t see that haggarded tired woman looking back at me any more. I am no spring chicken but I can see the life coming back to my eyes.

23. Just in the last couple of months I have met people in the park, people I would like to get to know better and I actually feel like cooking and entertaining again. I was so broken when I came here I couldn’t even carry on a conversation, but now every time I walk Stella I end up talking to someone new.

24. My son has moved back to BC.

25. I was published in a magazine for the first time and my name was on the cover.

Now the cabin is for sale, it is hard to believe all that happened in one year; there was a lot of heart ache in that year but also so may blessings, and when I look back on it I consider it to be one of the best years I have ever had.  I was so afraid James could destroy me with his lies and vindictiveness but everyone of his attempts failed, even if I lost my job, it was going to happen anyway because of my heart condition and his slander weeded out a few people who never were good friends anyway. My mom said I had a shitty year and she hopes things get better in the coming year and I thought it was one of my best years; it depends on what you focus on. Yes I had to watch my two dogs die but they were replaced by a little girl who’s heart is as big as she is, I have never seen a dog wag their tail so hard they smack themselves in the face.

Every single bad thing that happened, whether it was done vengefully by JC or just shit that happens in life, was counteracted by the efforts of the many exceptional people in my life now. I have said it before on here but have never believed it more than I do now. “Remove the narcissist from your life and the black cloud hanging over your life will dissipate and be replaced by good, honest and positive things.” Bad things happen to good people all the time, that’s why we need to surround ourselves with good people because they will work to help you overcome the bad whereas the N rejoices in your pain and causes your pain.

I was overwhelmed yesterday by all the birthday wishes from everyone, I truly feel very blessed and wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s. It brings tears to my eyes, happy tears.

 

 

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7 Replies to “Does The Pain Ever Stop?”

  1. How much is your cabin listed for? Where can details be found? Don’t have the where-with-all to purchase, but it would help to know to share in conversation. Who knows where things lead, right?

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    1. I didn’t describe that very well, the lake doesn’t totally drain, there is still a lot of water left in the lake all year but there is no way to put a boat in because there is no water coming up to the boat launch. One other thing that is unique to the lake is that there are no public beaches or boat launches so there only people boating on the lake are residents with their own boat launches. We have 3 at Everglades and we have to guard the gate in summer to keep the public out because they line up at the gate hoping to sneak in behind someone who lives here.
      they used to hold ski jump competitions here years ago, it is a beautiful warm lake with mountains on one side and residences at either end and along one side of the lake. Most of the people at the resort own party barges and we have a corn roast and decorate our party barges and all the barges cruise around the island and we all vote for the most imaginative, etc. they have live music every long weekend and outside dancing, an Easter Egg hunt every Easter, New Years, Halloween, and Christmas dances. A nice sandy beach for the resort owners, you are allowed 2 dogs but they must be leashed, free wireless internet. A lot of people fish the lake too, Carp are big and should be jumping any day now. The asian people come and park along the road to fish for the carp. Never eaten it myself but they come in droves.
      Can you tell I love the place LOL

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  2. Wow, Carrie, I have been reading you for so long but never really thought about all the things that have gone on both in your life and mine. Seeing it all in one post like this is amazing! You have survived so much and come out into the light! I too recently realized that the old feeling is not there anymore; it’s just sort of …meh…who cares I’m too busy getting on with my life.
    My family has been such a big support to me and my friends are the icing on the cake. My business is starting to take off and I realized the I no longer frown all the time. Life is starting to look pretty damn good….so yes eventually the pain does stop.

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    1. Kathy, and that was just one year!
      When I think back now to how my life was with JC I am blown away, so much trauma and drama all the time, I don’t know how I did it now. Get slapped around and screamed at and then go out and work all day, put a smile on my face and then go home never knowing what I would find, would he be happy (not likely) angry, would he even come home? So so so happy to be out of that and at least now if things go wrong I only have to concern myself with the one issue and not him orchestrating behind my back, No longer trying to decipher his lies, knowing that if someone does something nice for me they aren’t doing it with ulterior motives. The peace!
      I am so happy to hear your business is taking off! you do wonderful work. Isn’t it nice to not frown? to not deal with that stress makes a person feel 30 lbs lighter, doesn’t feel good to say, “Life is starting to look pretty damn good” I bet a few years ago you never thought you would say those words. Wonderful to hear you say them too!!

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  3. I’m so happy for you that you’ve hit this important milestone, despite all the difficulties you’ve encountered. I hope I’ll get there one day too. I wrote a virtual letter to my ex narc just this weekend – it’s only been six months, and yes it does still hurt but every day a little less so.

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    1. SSS, yes it does get better slowly but surely. It seemed every one year anniversary marked another big improvement. I think my living arrangements, health and finances had a lot to do with how long it took me to heal. Him popping in last year to stir up shit in my life certainly didn’t help. So many things can affect how a person heals.
      It sure feels good though!! 🙂

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