Staying Friends With The Ex N not if you know whats good for you

I have had men I stayed friends with and men who were friends with their ex’s and I was fine with it, just because a couple doesn’t last forever does not mean either one is necessarily a bad person.

But when your ex is a narcissist staying friends is not possible. To stay friends with an N is looking for trouble and really, if your friends treat you like the narcissist treated you; you really need to get a higher caliber of friends. When JC showed up to cry and tell me how he always loved me yada yada yada and say that he was successful now and wanted to help me be successful also because he always takes care of “his people”, I had said, “First of all, YOU are not successful, you were successful in hooking a woman with money but you did not earn that money, secondly your people??”  He had replied, “Yeah, my people, the people I care about, like you. I have the talents to help the people who are important to me, what kind of man would I be if I didn’t help the people I care about?” I just gave him a blank stare. He continued “You don’t know what the future holds, just let things play out.” I was thinking, “Oh I know what the future holds alright!! and I don’t even have a crystal ball”. History repeats itself dontcha know!? When I told him again there was no way a friendship was possible he had replied, “Well, if we can’t be friends then we will never have more.” HUH!??  Get your head out of your ass!! We had more and you fucked me over, I don’t know about other people but I usually pick friends that don’t purposely do things to hurt me, taunt me to kill myself or hit me. Call it a quirk of mine, but I like to be able to trust my friends and not have to watch my back.

For three years he has credited M for making him a changed man, he now is honest, faithful, and a respectful partner and pillar of the community. That is wonderful, M should write a book because there are a lot of women who would love to know her secret. But I still don’t want to be his friend or have a front row seat to watching him treat a woman the way I begged to be treated. Just not into setting myself up to get hurt. Thanks anyway, nice of you to care enough to want to make my life hell for the rest of my days, but I think I will pass. I don’t believe it for a minute and he shouldn’t care if I do or not, GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE JC. What matters to me is how he treated me and he treated me like crap, worse than dirt under his feet and I was damn good to him, loved him with all my heart and he discarded me in the most cruel and brutal way possible, I don’t give a shit how nice he is now. He has not admitted to any blame, only blamed me for everything wrong in the relationship. Either he had a brain aneurysm that made him an abusive asshole with amnesia or M has mythical healing powers where she can kiss a frog and make him into a prince. Whatever, they can link arms and hippity hop down the yellow brick road and find him a heart and her a brain for all I care.

I am sure you all have noticed I have found some anger and bitterness. 🙂 N’s are good at creating those emotions in people. I will elaborate more in a minute, I am on a roll here.

Thing is, once a narcissist has discarded you he reserves the right to mess with you forever more, you are not allowed to say,”No thank you.” Because a narcissist doesn’t like being told no. So it doesn’t matter if he was the one who screwed around, was a pathological liar, stole from you, blamed you for him abusing you, blamed you for everything that he ever did wrong or will do wrong and any problems in all his future relationships; if you will not continue to allow him to use you at will,  he will get angry and make you pay for having the nerve and audacity to not drop to your knees and kiss his feet for the honor of being his life long punching bag.

Many women say they don’t understand why the N is friends with his ex’s, 1. because many of them hope he will come back to them and  2. they are afraid to stand up to him.

Saying no go away, can and will start a campaign to totally annihilate your reputation and any hope of having a happy future. It is really sad, because they want to ride off into the sunset with their new love and they want you to be the grovelling broken shell of a person forever more as a reminder of how powerful he is. He wants to look at you and see how he was able to destroy you by not loving you. And God forbid you should speak out against the abuse, tell the truth, and try to save others from making the same mistake. How dare you refuse to play his game and become one of his minions. He needs people he can manipulate into doing his dirty work.

Ex’s are great for dirty work with the new woman, he can get a lot of ns from pitting the new woman against the ex’s, every time the ex calls and he talks for hours to her and the new woman finds out and is jealous. Then he can go to the ex and say the new woman is jealous so he can’t talk to her any more. Rejected again. Or he will say things aren’t good with the new woman and he is going to leave …… soon, especially of he thinks he can come back to you. JC kept in contact with as many ex’s that would allow it. He might go a year or two without calling, I don’t know for sure because I didn’t really care, I was never jealous of ex’s, I figure ex’s are ex’s for a reason; I have always been more concerned with a new woman.

JC always bitched about his one ex, Karen, who he was with 12 years or something like that, every new girlfriend he got would get a call from Karen warning them what an asshole, cheater, liar he is. I always had one question; how did she get the girlfriends number?

Ok if they live in the same town and run in the same circles I could see it but usually JC moved out of the town. I found some old journals of his and read one of his entries where he is saying he hasn’t had sex for awhile and was really horny. He went on to say he would drop by Karen’s place for a piece of tail, after all they always had great sex. Remember this when your ex shows up and wants sex. I would bet every dime I have that JC didn’t show up  and say, “Hey I am really horny can we fuck and then I will discard you again.” He would have gone there, played the “I am so sorry, I still love you” card and she would have crumbled and been hurt again. If you think a woman is a psycho bitch who is trying to ruin every relationship you have and get you fired from every job you get you don’t go over there and anger her even more by using her for sex.

She called me one night, there is only one way she would have had my phone number; JC had to have given it to her or given her enough information about me to look it up. Why would a guy do that? He always kept in contact with her, he changed his phone number no less than 6 times but she always had his number yet he complained bitterly that she was trying to ruin his life. HUH? He is stupid like a door knob or sly like a fox.

So anyway, I turned down his offer of making me a success like him and told him that I pick nice people as friends.

As you all know, he came in here under alias’s and tried to slander me, then he started a blog slandering me, that blog disappeared and a little later another one appeared, then it disappeared, I got fired, almost evicted, he has slandered me to everyone who would listen and I have sat back, not contacted him, just checked the internet occasionally thinking knowledge is power and I needed to watch my back. I don’t know how many times a person can dump another person but JC comes up with a new blog every few months and discards me again. He needs to check his calendar……….it’s been 3 years and he can’t discard me……… I have to  care for him in order for him to discard me, I have to have contacted him or something in order to discard me.

I really honestly have always  thought  he is with the best woman for him, I actually love it! he got exactly what he wanted, she had a house and life insurance money from her deceased husband, summer property, she never worked and has always been a housewife who had supper ready when her hubby got home, she can’t have children so no competition for her attention (although I am sure he has mentioned that he really wanted kids but he loves her so much he will live with her defect), she was just waiting for a man to come along and fill the shoes of her late husband and there was JC, with all his lies and woe is me tales of his psycho ex and then he got busted at the married woman’s house and M was waiting to rescue him, giving him her new car to drive, going and packing him and cleaning his place and literally moving him into her house. I predicted he would somehow wrangle her into selling it and moving somewhere remote and low and behold he has done it. I know how he did it.

He started blogs accusing me of getting him fired and stalking them trying to destroy the best thing that ever happened to him. This is a man who totaled his truck to get the insurance money, had his own vehicles and mine stolen, forged my signature on a bill of sale trying to sell my truck, submitted a phony statement to Crown Counsel and forged my signature,  purposely injured himself, put sugar in his own gas tank saying it was his g/f’s ex so she would stop seeing him, told me he had been given 6 months to live in order to get me to take him back, convinced me I was buying a nonexistent house in Sask, Do I think he would orchestrate things to look like I was a vindictive ex stalking them, getting him fired and probably he was even doing damage to the vehicles and property and saying it was me; you bet I do. I put nothing past him. I know he got fired no less than 10 times in the past 3 years and I am sure I am to blame for all of them. I can see him saying he had to go out of town to work to get away from me, then he wouldn’t answer his phone when she called, making her jealous, perhaps she found a letter he “accidentally” dropped, to another woman. He would have been indignant, he wouldn’t have to look for another woman if she was there with him and he can’t be with her because of me. In an attempt to save the relationship she sold her house and moved 5 hours and two ferry rides away up the coast.

In one of his blogs he said that he finally convinced his family that I was toxic in his life and he had to move away because of me and he was putting this blog out there to say that he was done with me, (again!! God I only wish) he never wanted to see me again, I was a vile, evil person and he was getting on with his life with his wonderful M. He was afraid of what I might do in revenge and said I had a history of keying cars and stealing. I know he was setting the stage. They can put in a phenomenal effort into orchestrating their lies and manipulations. M would be soaking it up. After all she is naive, sheltered, never dating anyone as worldly as him and he just wants to protect her. (excuse me I just gagged, it all sounds so familiar that is why I know how he did it, cuz I got sucked in too and I wasn’t that naive)

On his blog he had a post criticizing her about how upset she was to leave and how she was so organized with the move it couldn’t help but fail and he went with the flow and was so easy going, no point in getting all bitchy about it. he ended the post with, “Now if I can just keep a lid on her up there, Bob’s your uncle.”

The next time I checked that blog was gone and a new one took its place titled “My New Life” talking about the house and how happy he is, all the work they are doing on the house and I was not shocked to find out he is now in business for himself. He is now a mobile mechanic, wonder who financed that? Once she sold the house she would have had cash. I shudder at the memories of when I had cash and he badgered me for days, weeks, months until I broke down and gave him the money.

The crazy woman had it made; a home paid for, with renters up stairs and she lived downstairs, her late husband had ensured she would never have to work a day in her life. She sold the house, thus losing the income of renters, she lent him $20,000 to get his license back so he could work and he got fired from every job he had within a few months, now she is tied into a house that he no doubt convinced her he would be making the payments on and he lost his job again. BUT if he had a mobile shop he would be making HUGE money and would be home with her all the time, so she sinks good money after bad, keeps investing in this doomed relationship thinking if she gives him this he will be happy, they will be happy, she will get her fairy tale ending and she just keeps digging herself in deeper. She can’t get out of it now without losing a lot, she can’t walk away now, she has to make it work. Sound familiar? doesn’t it make your stomach flip? I wonder if her vehicle has started to have issues that only he can fix.

Like I said, he has said no less than 6 times that he wants nothing to do with me, why would I expect him to keep his word now?

Prior to and since meeting James I had never known anyone with that name. The last few months it seems every 3rd person to follow my blog, follow me on Twitter or FB has James in their name either as a first name or their last name, OR their abusers name is James. Its given me the creeps. Then I had a horrible night mare one night where I was coming home and the neighbors house was on fire and there was a naked lady dead on the grass. The police told me that it was a case of mistaken identity, and did I know anyone who would want to kill me. The killer had gone to the wrong house thinking it was my house. I spent the rest of my dream running and hiding from JC, but he kept finding me and was pretending he wanted to be my friend but I knew he had killed this woman. I woke up in a panic and had to get up because I couldn’t sleep. Two days later I hear on the news about the woman in Langley who’s estranged husband tried to kill her and burned her house down.

I know he follows my blog because just after they moved I had a new follower M@gulfislands.com I just filed the information, I thought maybe it was her looking for answers, I just carried on as usual.

After he started coming in here under alias’s I got a program that tracks all the activity on your blog for you. It shows the IP number of every visitor, the time they were in, what they looked at, how long they were in, the town they live in and even what kind of cell phone they have, browser they use; it is quite a handy little program. Every once in a while I would get a visitor from Powell River which is in the gulf islands area, they would never stay long and were usually in during the very early morning hours, like 1 or 2 am.

After a visit I would Google JC’s usernames and sure enough there would be a new blog or pictures of some new toy he had bought, pics of the new house. For one thing JC knows I know his usernames so why would he keep using them? and he keeps saying he is moving on with the love of his life and wants nothing to do with me, so stop lurking around my blog. I am not slandering him, I am carrying on with my life, no one who knows him would ever find my blog unless he told them about it and I am not responsible for that. Go to bed with the woman of your dreams! There can be no good reason for him to be in reading my blog, the only reason he is in here is to figure out how he can fuck with me again. I had hoped when he moved and finally got everything he wanted he would give up his obsession with what I am doing.

To tell you the truth I am afraid of him and he has proven I have good reason to be; but I refuse to roll over and show my belly or disappear because he doesn’t like what I talk about. I am not going to be intimidated by him any more, to say no to an N is asking for trouble but the alternative is not better, keeping them in your life will surely do a person in anyway.

Last week he was in again, for 9 hours one day and 3 hours the next day, so I checked the net again and sure enough he has two blogs now, one of the ones he had before he has made visible again and it is slandering me and another one where he is alternating between singing M’s praises and complaining about how he has had to change so much and how hard it is on him.

What did he expect? I had to laugh because he is bitching because she expects him to come in for supper at 5 and then sit on the couch watching reality shows until bed time. LOL I would be bitching too! OMG, JC lived out in his shop and it was fine by me, I just asked that he come to bed with me 2-3 times a week. We didn’t even have TV we were both busy with our own projects, I had my painting and gardening, reading, we worked together on some things and we ate whenever we got hungry. I still don’t watch TV. After years of being a mom with a rigid schedule I was happy with the flexibility and I have always enjoyed my alone time.

But we make our choices in life and she had a house and he needed a place to live so he orchestrated everything thinking once he got the house and his mobile shop and complete control of her he would be happy.

I still did not know for sure that it was him coming into my blog, I mean there could be someone in Powell River who is looking for answers about N’s. I have found an excellent site where you can get the geographical location on an IP number, I used it when JC was coming in a year and 1/2 ago. For those of you who don’t know, IP numbers usually give a general location but can be off by miles, like my IP number can show being in Abbotsford on some sites, Mission on another and Maple Ridge on another but this site has proven to be accurate 97% of the time. So I did a search on his IP number and zoomed in on the location and then switched the map to Satellite view and zoomed in farther, then I hit Streetview and when the screen focused I was looking at his new house, with the address, including postal code.

The last entry on his blog was April 4th the day before my birthday and he was complaining about all the changes he has made to keep M happy.

I am going to give some “friendly” advice to JC.

Be a man of your word, you lied about dying in 6 months, now you are lying about being “done” with me, if I am so toxic and evil and M is so sweet and rational; so unlike me, I would suggest you get off the internet and go to bed with the woman. But she isn’t so calm and rational now is she, lol I told you to tell me how calm and rational she was after 10 years with you and it’s already started. tisk tisk. That’s what you get for pretending to be something you aren’t. You knew exactly what you were getting into, you wrote on your blog (while waiting for me to come and insure the car in my name) that you were going to stop talking to all your ex’s, quit smoking, drinking and doing drugs, you even changed your religious beliefs. You were giving up porn, internet dating, and now she wants you to give up the shop, playing guitar at night and you are supposed to eat supper at 5 and watch TV all night. Actually if it wasn’t so funny I would feel sorry for you. It is nothing against M, a lot of people live their lives that way and that is great!! I am sure she is a very nice person but either she is stupid or you are because who in their right mind would commit to someone so completely different and then think they have any right to complain. I might even have sympathy for you and might be inclined to forgive you for the hell you put me through because I now know, (through 3 painful years of trying to put myself back together and understand what the hell happened to me) that you can’t feel love. It is just a word to you, you use it like currency to buy whatever you want.

But you can’t keep a job, you have bought a motorcycle and got a high off of that for a while and then it was the project chevy and you got a Ford flat deck when you failed at taking mine, now you’ve got the piece of property and heavy equipment and the mobile shop you always wanted and guess what! you still aren’t happy. You will never learn, so I can’t forgive you because you learned nothing, you went out and did it even worse this time.

You dumped me, take a look at my pics now; I am that confident, attractive woman I used to be, and M is looking like I used to. Funny how a few years with you can age a woman 10 years.

I am so done and over you.  I may be a slow learner, I may have hung in far too long with you and believed your crap and stayed in a 10 year relationship 9 years too long but I learned from my mistakes and I am back to the confident woman I was before I met you and wiser.

My blog is public domain I can’t regulate who visits my blog, but I do track when you are in and will continue to do so, I have quite a file on you. I have preferred to not bite the bait and get  into drama with you, but you really are a drama queen and thrive on drama and conflict. You get pissed off with M and go looking on my blog for something to get pissed about or some way to make my life hell, you post another blog slandering me. It’s been 3 years, you had your chance with me and you blew it, it’s been 3 years; I am not going to be there for you any more James. It’s not that I have met another man, its that I know the real you and there is nothing there that interests me, you really would be better off putting your time and attention into M.

I have said it before, if anything happens to me you will be the first person they come looking for and now I have your address.  I think it is time you moved along.

Cya!!

 

 

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32 Replies to “Staying Friends With The Ex N not if you know whats good for you”

  1. I know this is an older post, but I feel compelled to comment. I was married to a narcissist for 17 years. I’m one of the lucky ones…my ex was actually officially diagnosed by a psychologist so no second-guessing for me. He was seeing a counselor to appease me after I discovered the full extent of his cheating and lies. I threatened to leave if he didn’t get counseling. At the time, I didn’t understand what NPD was all about, and wasted two more years of my life trying to “make my marriage work.” I did this even after his psychologist met with me privately and told me to RUN. He tried to explain it to me, but I wasn’t ready to hear him. Truthfully, I didn’t believe him. I thought the “man of my dreams” would return if I just waited it out.

    Carrie, this quote from you says it all, “We were together almost a year before I saw any kind of abuse and even then it was more atmospheric and hard to pin point, the really bad physical, mental, and financial abuse did not start until the last couple of years. N abuse is typically very subtle and insidious and the victim doesn’t even know it is happening.

    I understand now that my ex is only masquerading as a human being. He is truly incapable of love, or really any emotion. A very hard pill to swallow as you all know. It’s admitting that I bought into a lie for the better part of my adult life. This week marks my one year anniversary of divorcing that monster. However, I stupidly let him back into my life this past week, only to be cruelly discarded yet again. I thought I was strong enough to be his “friend.” He only wanted to inform me that he has met his newest soulmate. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one.

    I thought I had found every single bit of information online about surviving narcissistic abuse. But today, I found your blog. Wow, just wow! Carrie – you are amazing. You are spot on. I feel stronger already. So carry on, mighty woman, because you have given me the strength to get up one more time, dust myself off, and move forward. Thank you.

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  2. Sher, Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so glad you found something useful here and I was able to help in some small way.
    Don’t beat yourself up over trying to be friends, it took me years to figure out that wasn’t possible. We always want to think there is good in everybody but we just have to accept there are people out there who are pure evil. I still have a hard time with that thought even though I know in my mind it is true my heart has a hard time with it.
    They always come back to inform us of their new “soul mate” thinking it is going to prove that they have changed and it was us because look at how happy he is with the new woman. When all it really proves is that he hasn’t changed at all and never will. But they are so out of touch with human emotion they can’t get that.
    You will be ok, this is not square one again, it feels like it at first but you will bounce back faster and a little smarter. Please stay no contact, it is the only way to ever be free of them.
    I will never forget the look on my ex’s face when he said his ex hated me because we had stayed together so long, evil pleasure and self satisfaction and he expected me to be complimented and I just felt ill.
    Big Hugs
    Carrie

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    1. Carrie, thanks for the response. You are so right. For some reason, this time it was different so I won’t consider this square one again. I actually felt physically repulsed when I was with him, yet I still let his cruel words get to me. They really do some soul damage, don’t they? I’m taking your advice and from now on, it’s no contact all the way. He is now blocked on my phone and email. I even went as far as to schedule my FB account for deletion today. That will ensure that I can’t see anything that smarmy jerk is doing. I keep repeating to myself that he is not, and never has been, my friend.

      I did want to clarify my earlier statement about meeting with his counselor. It wasn’t anything unethical. My ex actually set the meeting up. He was so sure that he had his therapist bamboozled, he was confident I would get an earful of how awful I had treated him, and how everything really was my fault. Unfortunately, I’ve heard horror stories about counselors being manipulated by these disordered freaks, and making the victim accept their “fair share” of blame for the abuse. I was lucky. He wasn’t able to fool this man. I should have listened to him.

      Carry on!! You are helping many.

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      1. Sher, I did not think there was anything unethical about the counselor talking to you, I thought it was great that he told you! and saw him for what he is. Sher I have been there, broken up and actually doing ok and then he contacted me and I really wasn’t that into him and that in itself gave me false confidence that he couldn’t get to me, but he did every single time. They are experts at what they do and us mere mortals are no match against their evil manipulation. It is impossible because we have feelings, guilt, a conscience, empathy and they will use one or all against us. Like i have said, mine told me he had 6 months to live in order to get me to weaken my resolve and see him again. if he had not lied about dying I am sure I would not have gone back and he knew it also.
        You will be ok. Give yourself another year and you will be amazed at how over him you will be.
        hugs
        Carrie

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  3. Your amazing and you keep me strong. I went out with mine for almost 2 years. He is in Abbotsford I am in North van , so I’m hoping the distance and expense of crossing the bridge will keep him away. I went one full month with no contact. I was just starting to date again and at the mans house when F texted me.. It put a strain on my night. I did not reply , then the next day his loving text changed to telling me he would be starting to date again and wished me luck. Stupidly I replied” you too” wow now the phone calls and text are coming in like crazy telling me how much he still loves me and we just need to talk not hide behind a key board…
    Your web site keeps me strong when I at times feel like caving..
    He mirrored everything I ever wanted. I knew all along he gave me Ear Candy as I called it.. I guess I loved and craved the attention and romance he gave me.. The sex was amazing, I felt like I couldn’t get enough. Every time we broke up, always me leaving him. We would end up back in bed, make up sex… Ahhh I can do this I know I can with your help!!!

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    1. Shelly! we are practically neighbors. I don’t know why I am always so surprised when someone comments that they are from my area. I wonder if I know your ex, that’s the thing about the internet, they can’t hide like they used to.
      I am glad you have found strength through my blog, that is what I am here for! 🙂 I know the feeling, a dream come true when we start dating them that turns into the worst nightmare ever. I understand how hard it is to stay strong when they are being their old loving self and saying everything we longed to hear but believe me, you would regret ever letting him back in your life in any way. Keep looking forward, that is where you will find happiness, looking back will only hold more pain for you, worse than ever before.
      If you have to, change your number, if you are being harassed they can do it free of charge and immediately. I did it after we split, he was calling and harassing me, kept telling me it was all my fault and I was such a bitch yada yada yada and I hung up on him and immediate called my supplier and asked her how I changed my number. She said I can do that for you right now and 5 minutes later I had a new number. I don’t know if he ever tried to call me back, it felt so empowering to know he could never call me again. Then I remembered I had a business and I had the same number for years and now my customers couldn’t get a hold of me and my number was plastered on the side of my truck. He did get my number of course because it was easy enough but it was still empowering and sent a powerful message to him that I was not putting up with his shit any more.
      Hugs from the Valley
      Carrie

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  4. Hi Carrie!
    I am going to join in on the bandwagon. I am so happy that I found your blog. I had no idea that my ex-boyfriend was a narcissist until a week ago. What a crazy road this has been. He was my high school sweetheart and we reconnected 30 years later. It was “perfect” for a while. I lived in San Diego and he lived in Wisconsin; he traveled for his job frequently. From the first two minutes we were together we were all over each other. He called me his girlfriend that first night at a football game. The only problem was that he was married. Very unhappily married for 28 years, only staying for the boys until the youngest was out of high school. She was terrible and if he hadn’t felt like such a failure he never would have married her to begin with. They hadn’t slept in the same bed for 8 years and she never cared that he moved out of the bedroom. We were amazing together when we were together or he could sneak away. He asked me to move to Wisconsin last October. We’ve been planning things since then. In April I gave notice and asked him if we were really doing this. Absolutely. He asked if he could come help me pack. He attended my son’s going away party. All of my friends loved him. He was telling them he was separating from his wife and would be moved out before I arrived in town. Everyone was so happy for us. I gave up my support structure and a place I loved to come out and be with him – but we loved each other… Then we moved and it has never been the same. The lies started. He hadn’t moved out. I wouldn’t go any further until he did. So he did – or so he said. He told his kids he wasn’t leaving their mother for another woman — and the stress of that was too much for him so he distanced himself. Then he allegedly told her about me and him having an affair and things got better. He started to spend the night during the week. And on weekends, he spent the nights with his kids – they needed a lot of support as they weren’t handling this well (one is 19 the other 17.) I caught him sleeping at the house one night – and he explained it away as having too much to drink and one of the boys having to drive him and it was easier for him to stay there. He wasn’t thrilled to find out I was around the corner. But after he explained it we stayed together. There were so many ups and downs – but they always led to us getting back together. But he loved me and missed me and couldn’t wait to have me in his arms again. When he traveled he would send selfies of him crying and other things. Then last Tuesday he showed up with his wedding ring on and told me he had gotten back together with his wife. He said she was his security blanket and because I was threatening to go back to California (because I was so unhappy here because I was no longer getting his time) he didn’t have another choice. He sat here crying, wondering what he had done, telling me he made a mistake. He was kissing me and rubbing up against me. When we returned from picking up my son, his wife was standing in the middle of my road. She asked how dare I sleep with a married man and proceeded to tell me all about the sex they were having and the blow jobs she was giving him. My son heard all of this. He was only concerned with saving his own ass. She told me that they had re-committed to one another 3 weeks before hand and that he had told her that I knew about that and wouldn’t let him go, I kept pursuing him. She said that I was Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction and that he was adamant that I not move but I came anyways. None of that was true. He threw me under the bus. He lied to my face not even an hour before when I asked if he had slept with her. I slapped him as hard as I could when I asked him about that and he said he hand’t wanted to hurt me. I think he got turned on over that. I gave her 900 pages of text messages between us before she left. It had been suggested to me that I write about our love story. Within 30 min of her getting home she had taken him back. I am sure she never looked at those messages. I could hear his words… You don’t want to read those. How will that support us. We have decided to move forward with our marriage… I was hurt for days after that. I am fortunate to have great friends who supported both my son and me. And today I was thankful for the wife. If she hadn’t of come over I would still be in that dance with him. Now I am free. Many people think he will be in touch but I am less sure, even after reading what you wrote and I know it’s a possibility. I think he feels betrayed by me for handing over those messages. I guess time will tell. Part of me wants him to call so that I can give him a piece of my mind yet the other part just wants to dance in my freedom.
    Once again Carrie, I thank you for what you have written as it has also supported me in seeing that I am not alone. Such sick people they are! I had never thought him capable of such pain and hurt – but of course I now believe I was remembering him as the guy I dated all those years ago…

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  5. Lisa, Welcome! I am glad you found something useful here and some answers. I hope you realize that what ever he told you about his wife was probably a lie and he is lying to her about you.I bet they never did stop having sex. and you can bet he was not, not coming to be with you because his kids were so stressed out, it was because he had never moved out and she didn’t know about you and he couldn’t bullshit her those nights, or he just didn’t want to be bothered.
    He doesn’t feel betrayed so don’t worry about that. they don’t give a shit about anything. He was playing a game, you were the only one in this “love story” He never was in love with you or his wife, it was an ego trip and a game and he played you both so you were fight over him. You bet he got a hard on over it. What an ego boost to have you two fighting over him in the middle of the road. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t somehow set her up to be there. Yeah she is lying to herself and doing what I did the last few years, just praying he will give her a lie any lie, it doesn’t even have to be a good one, just so she can continue to lie to herself. After all she has a lot invested, 28 yrs and and kids, her whole future is him and you can bet this isn’t the first time this has happened either.
    You are right you are better of without him, by far. But I get this feeling you hope he comes back to you. What kind of friends would be encouraging that?
    I am sorry but I am a little surprised that you thought it was ok to move all that way to be with a married man. I am continually surprised that women are surprised when they find out that the guy is a liar. He was obviously lying to his wife of 28 years. In my mind the “staying together for the kids” , ” I was only with her because she wouldn’t leave me alone” lines are a bunch of F’n crap. If you aren’t happy in your marriage you leave, then after you have left you start to date. NOT the other way around. You said you were all over each other the first night you saw him again at a basket ball game.
    I think you owe the wife an apology to be honest with you instead of judging her for not wanting to read 900 text messages between you and him, Yeah I think she is stupid for staying with him, but I feel sorry for the poor woman, I bet she has done2 28 years of hard time with him and as much as your heart is broken imagine hers.

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  6. Hi Carrie,
    I had forgotten which thread I posted on and just found this again.
    First of all, I have apologized to his wife, twice. I had always told him if it didn’t work out between us I was going to apologize to his wife – and if it did work out between us I would also have a conversation with her about this at some point. I had flown out to tell her before – but was “met” by him taking some action to remove himself from the marriage. From shortly after I found out he was married I realized just how “out of integrity” he was and knew it was important for him to come back into integrity if our relationship was to work. We talked about integrity and respect and how his behavior and actions weren’t fair to his wife and what he was role modeling to his boys. We set time tables for certain actions to be taken – which never were taken as he was a master at buying himself more time or taking baby steps and doing just the bare minimum. He was a great actor and I bought it all. He would take just enough action which showed me he was trying – or he had a really good excuse for not doing it and came up with another date for which to take action by. Early on we fought about this as being in this situation with a married man really bothered me. I also wrote things off because I felt I knew him at his core. I knew him growing up in high school. My cousin and him were best friends. He knew my family and I knew some of his. I was in love with the guy I knew from way back when and so it was “easy” for me to overlook some of who he had become. (And yes, I get at this point in time that he was probably always like this but I didn’t have that awareness while I was in the relationship.) I am grateful to his wife for coming over that night although I don’t like how it went down in front of my son. I am not in the day to day grind with him any longer and I feel a sense of freedom although I must admit that I miss him. It is hard to reconcile in my mind what has all happened. I know the man he became is not the man I fell in love with 30 some years ago – but that boy is who I think of now. And yes, I feel bad for her. I believe she is in denial. I wish I could support her and wake her up too with all the new knowledge I have — but I also know that is not my job nor my path. I know I am not the horrible person he painted me to be to her as much as I now know she is not the person he painted her to be to me. I think if we took what he said about me to her and what he said about her to me and put them together we would have a great picture of who he is. I wish her well and while on some level she may feel she has won her man back, I am the true winner as I no longer need to keep tabs on him which was exhausting.
    With regards to me moving all this way, I am surprised too, knowing what I know now. But I didn’t know this all then. I didn’t know he was a liar. I didn’t know he wasn’t going to leave his wife. He made me think the exact opposite. We talked about where we would live, the type of house, made plans for trips – all sorts of things. He was with my friends before I moved and told them what our plans were and how excited he was to have me move. He promised them he would take good care of me. We talked about blending our families. All sorts of things. He was my son’s legal guardian – which he asked to be. I thought at the time, what an amazing sign of his commitment to me and my family. Who does that! And now that I am here all I know are his lies. I am on the fence about what to do – stay here or move back.
    I don’t hope he comes back to me. I don’t want what he is selling and I will not be with someone I cannot trust. Yes, I do have a weak spot for him which I will continue to work on strengthening. I have to get over the guy he used to be way back when that I initially fell in love with. I find it interesting that these narcissists usually come back around and I understand from reading about it why. I guess I can’t see him doing that so it’s more of a curiosity. Although as I write that I am remembering him telling me when we reunited this time that he always knew we would come back together because we never had closure the first time around. We didn’t really have closure this time either. I have plenty of things that I haven’t had the chance to say to him that I would love the opportunity to say. I understand from what I’ve read on this site that it doesn’t matter to him what I have to say but for me it is a matter of standing up for myself which is more important to me than what he does with that information.

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