Is it any wonder I don’t want to leave? Who could possibly be depressed when they look out their back door and see this? I keep praying for some miracle that allows me to stay.
As much as I say God has a plan and I can accept whatever happens the thought of leaving here breaks my heart.
I came here with a broken soul and spirit, unhealthy physically & mentally. I spent the last year healing; from all JC did, losing my little buddy, Laila, myself.
One year exactly after coming here I feel almost complete. I wandered around in a daze most of last year, I didn’t care about the people around me. I just wanted peace, serenity and time. Time away from stress, pain and conflict. JC had other plans for me. The sign of a truly sick individual. When they have found “the love of their life” and are “living their life free to be themselves and be happy”, yet still feel the need to destroy their ex’s possibility of having some peace in their life.
That is sick, evil, beyond selfish and such a sure indication that they are disordered; and to further prove how sick they are; they feel justified in doing it.
For one thing a healthy person would not try to destroy their ex’s future happiness no matter what they did and for another thing; if they did and are a changed person (like they profess to be) they would admit to it and apologize for it.
Proof that they never change no matter what they loudly profess.
Anyway, after a year here I find I have stopped wishing I could be my old self again and realized I am, only a little more cautious and a lot more appreciative.
Yesterday I went for a walk and people I hardly noticed last year are calling out “nice day”, “stop by for a drink”, “love your dog”. I stood on the street talking to 2 neighbor ladies for almost an hour. I loaned a hand rake to the fellow who lives across the street. Talked to a couple with a dog. Chatted with my neighbor Terry and the guy doing work on a place two does down and they both played with Stella. I worked in the yard, sprayed the neighbor’s yappy dogs with the garden hose (that my neighbor Terry installed for me for free. He put an outside faucet in for me and gave me the hose)
Neighbors doing nice things for each other, ages 30 to 86.
I built a fire and watched the sunset. I felt a little lonely, I actually went into a dating site for people over 50 and saw some men I wouldn’t mind meeting. I have been in dating sites before but never even had the slightest desire to meet any of the men and yesterday there were at least a dozen. Not ready to do anything about it yet but the thought of it doesn’t make me nauseous. Haha
God, I pray you find a way for me to stay. Amen
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie