Two days ago I heard of another local case of domestic violence. In a neighboring town a 24-year-old woman was stabbed multiple times by her estranged spouse who after stabbing her grabbed their baby and ran. The mother was able to call for help and the police found the abuser shortly after in a neighbor’s yard.
The baby was unharmed and the mother will live but is seriously injured and in the hospital.
THE most dangerous time in domestic abuse cases is just before or just after the woman leaves, even if it was his idea. The N may say he wants you out of his life and you take it to mean the relationship is over but in many cases when he is done with you, you are garbage in his eyes, you have no redeeming value to him and he just as soon see you dead than watch you go on and God forbid be happy without him.
Prior to leaving the abusive relationship you want to appease the abuser, not antagonize him. You don’t want to show your hand and let him know you are leaving. If he does know, you can let him think you will still see him if he wants, that this is just a trial separation or whatever will get you out the door safely. But once you are out it is imperative you go NO CONTACT or as minimal contact as possible and never be alone with him.
Never let him in the house, even if he comes to the door begging for you to listen to him, crying, saying he is sorry and just wants to talk to you. It is time to stand your ground and stay firm. NO CONTACT. You may think you know him, you may think he won’t really hurt you or you will be able to defuse the situation but it is a totally different scenario once you are split. You have no idea what is going on in his head and you can not trust a word he says. Let him call you melodramatic or paranoid, they will always try to make you look crazy. Once you have left you must remain no contact to be safe.
As I have said many times, I was stupid and did almost everything wrong when I left. He knew well in advance I was leaving, I tried to be friends and tried to be kind. I had always remained friendly with my ex’s, I saw no need to be cruel and in a normal breakup couples often “wean” themselves of each other, they are both hurting and still care for the other person even if they can’t make it work. Eventually though they go on with their lives and the bad feelings disappear, they have some good happy memories and can run into each other and be pleasant. None of this is possible with a narcissist.
I thought JC would always be there for me in some form, we had been through so much together and had some horrible fights and he always came back, he was always sorry later. Every time we split I would do ok on my own, well I always did better financially on my own and there was only one occasion where I begged him to take me back, all the other times he was the one wanting another chance and promising he had changed. Every single time we broke up I would be heart-broken but we never went a day without talking. How we would end up back together varied, the first time he didn’t have a place to live so I let him stay for “a couple of days” that turned into months, the next time we had been no contact for 8 days when we ran into each other and he asked to talk to me, cried and begged for another chance. Then he left me and I begged him back but I didn’t last long so he begged me to stay. We broke up so many times I lost count. He wouldn’t have a place to live and he would just hang around until he managed to weasel his way back into my place. I even moved because he wouldn’t get out only to agree to go for dinner or something and before I knew it we were a “couple” again. Half the time I didn’t know for sure if we were in a relationship or not, we could break up in the morning and by dinner he was calling and talking like nothing had happened. I got so used to breaking up and him begging me back it became, “Just the way we were.” I had gotten so accustomed to ignoring my gut instincts and inner voice that I had lost my natural ability to sense danger. Normal had been missing in my life for so long I stopped reacting to the most bizarre and scary behavior. I realize now that if you deny your natural instincts for detecting danger eventually you won’t recognize them any more and put yourself in dangerous positions without even thinking about it.
You have heard the saying “Killing them with kindness”? Well to be kind to a narcissist after you split could kill you.
You have to give up the illusion that you can save him or protect him from himself. Yes it is pitiful that he can’t love anyone and doesn’t have any empathy or sympathy but he doesn’t have a conscience either which makes him dangerous.
When we were together it would take about 6 months before he would act as if he loathed me and then as soon as I moved out he would go back to loving me. By the time I moved out the last time we had been together the longest straight stretch ever, 2 years without a break up and by that time he loathed me with a passion and I was a zombie.
The abuse would always escalate the closer it got to the date I was to move out and it was no different the last time. This is going to sound paranoid but I keep remembering a couple he and I met about 3 years into our relationship. He had met this guy who had race cars, a big loud full of himself guy who I immediately disliked, but JC thought the guy was great. The guy had a HUGE mansion of a house and he needed landscaping done and JC said I did landscaping so I was hired.
One day JC and I were there and the guy was telling us how his wife had a horrible vehicle accident and was paralyzed from the waist down. Anyway, they had a couple of small children and insurance paid out over a million dollars; they paid for him to quit his job to stay home with the children and care for his wife. This house was not the kind of house someone in a wheel chair would be living in, it was 3 stories tall and the yard was gravel. The guy was laughing about all the cars he had bought with the money, showed JC the shop he had built. I didn’t go look at it, I was sick to my stomach.
The next time I went to work over there, the guy was talking to me and the kids were playing around and talking to me when I saw her come out of the house. She struggled with her wheel chair on the gravel for the longest time making her way out to where we were. I talked to her and we tried to make pleasant conversation, he was not impressed she had come outside and it showed. She looked so sad, so young and dead inside. I felt so sorry for her. I think if it were to happen now I would have asked her if she wanted to go for coffee sometimes or something but I didn’t know what to do.
The kids and her went back in the house after a while, I never went back. I was disgusted with him. It was shortly after that when my brakes failed the first time. It makes me sick to think about it and maybe that is why I didn’t remember them until recently. I have wondered if JC was thinking if he could make me have an accident, I wouldn’t truly be at his mercy, he would have all the money he wanted, I would be totally reliant on him and unable to leave and unable to stop him from doing whatever he wanted. I know he always talked about all the stuff that guy had and what a great life he was leading. I said something about him having a great life at his wife’s expense and it got brushed off.
I think about what that woman’s life must have been like, what my life would have been like if when my front tire blew that day on the freeway I wouldn’t have been able to keep it on the road. I was no more than 1 foot from going over the edge and down the embankment. It would have been tragic if not deadly, three tons of scrap flying, a truck that weighed 10 tons rolling over and over, leaving the road at 110 km an hour.
You never know what they are thinking, you don’t want to believe he could harm you, it is too much to think about that the man you just made love to could plot your demise but it happens every single day. He doesn’t even have to be angry, he only has to see it as the only way for him to be free of you, not fight for property in the courts, not pay child support, not look at you any more, get the insurance money.
Don’t be stupid like me, maybe that is why God saved me all those times; because I was supposed to warn you. Please, when you are planning to leave, do it wisely, get that app for your phone, go no contact, stash money, get the help of friends, go to a shelter, listen to your gut instincts, be safe and be smart just don’t be kind, he does not deserve your kindness and your kindness could end up killing you.