Killing Yourself With Kindness

Two days ago I heard of another local case of domestic violence. In a neighboring town a 24-year-old woman was stabbed multiple times by her estranged spouse who after stabbing her grabbed their baby and ran. The mother was able to call for help and the police found the abuser shortly after in a neighbor’s yard.

The baby was unharmed and the mother will live but is seriously injured and in the hospital.

THE most dangerous time in domestic abuse cases is just before or just after the woman leaves, even if it was his idea. The N may say he wants you out of his life and you take it to mean the relationship is over but in many cases when he is done with you, you are garbage in his eyes, you have no redeeming value to him and he just as soon see you dead than watch you go on and God forbid be happy without him.

Prior to leaving the abusive relationship you want to appease the abuser, not antagonize him. You don’t want to show your hand and let him know you are leaving. If he does know, you can let him think you will still see him if he wants, that this is just a trial separation or whatever will get you out the door safely. But once you are out it is imperative you go NO CONTACT or as minimal contact as possible and never be alone with him.

Never let him in the house, even if he comes to the door begging for you to listen to him, crying, saying he is sorry and just wants to talk to you. It is time to stand your ground and stay firm. NO CONTACT. You may think you know him, you may think he won’t really hurt you or you will be able to defuse the situation but it is a totally different scenario once you are split. You have no idea what is going on in his head and you can not trust a word he says. Let him call you melodramatic or paranoid, they will always try to make you look crazy. Once you have left you must remain no contact to be safe.

As I have said many times, I was stupid and did almost everything wrong when I left. He knew well in advance I was leaving, I tried to be friends and tried to be kind. I had always remained friendly with my ex’s, I saw no need to be cruel and in a normal breakup couples often “wean” themselves of each other, they are both hurting and still care for the other person even if they can’t make it work. Eventually though they go on with their lives and the bad feelings disappear, they have some good happy memories and can run into each other and be pleasant. None of this is possible with a narcissist.

I thought JC would always be there for me in some form, we had been through so much together and had some horrible fights and he always came back, he was always sorry later. Every time we split I would do ok on my own, well I always did better financially on my own and there was only one occasion where I begged him to take me back, all the other times he was the one wanting another chance and promising he had changed. Every single time we broke up I would be heart-broken but we never went a day without talking. How we would end up back together varied, the first time he didn’t have a place to live so I let him stay for “a couple of days” that turned into months, the next time we had been no contact for 8 days when we ran into each other and he asked to talk to me, cried and begged for another chance. Then he left me and I begged him back but I didn’t last long so he begged me to stay. We broke up so many times I lost count. He wouldn’t have a place to live and he would just hang around until he managed to weasel his way back into my place. I even moved because he wouldn’t get out only to agree to go for dinner or something and before I knew it we were a “couple” again. Half the time I didn’t know for sure if we were in a relationship or not, we could break up in the morning and by dinner he was calling and talking like nothing had happened. I got so used to breaking up and him begging me back it became, “Just the way we were.” I had gotten so accustomed to ignoring my gut instincts and inner voice that I had lost my natural ability to sense danger. Normal had been missing in my life for so long I stopped reacting to the most bizarre and scary behavior. I realize now that if you deny your natural instincts for detecting danger eventually you won’t recognize them any more and put yourself in dangerous positions without even thinking about it.

You have heard the saying “Killing them with kindness”? Well to be kind to a narcissist after you split could kill you.

You have to give up the illusion that you can save him or protect him from himself. Yes it is pitiful that he can’t love anyone and doesn’t have any empathy or sympathy but he doesn’t have a conscience either which makes him dangerous.

When we were together it would take about 6 months before he would act as if he loathed me and then as soon as I moved out he would go back to loving me. By the time I moved out the last time we had been together the longest straight stretch ever, 2 years without a break up and by that time he loathed me with a passion and I was a zombie.

The abuse would always escalate the closer it got to the date I was to move out and it was no different the last time. This is going to sound paranoid but I keep remembering a couple he and I met about 3 years into our relationship. He had met this guy who had race cars, a big loud full of himself guy who I immediately disliked, but JC thought the guy was great. The guy had a HUGE mansion of a house and he needed landscaping done and JC said I did landscaping so I was hired.

One day JC and I were there and the guy was telling us how his wife had a horrible vehicle accident and was paralyzed from the waist down. Anyway, they had a couple of small children and insurance paid out over a million dollars; they paid for him to quit his job to stay home with the children and care for his wife. This house was not the kind of house someone in a wheel chair would be living in, it was 3 stories tall and the yard was gravel. The guy was laughing about all the cars he had bought with the money, showed JC the shop he had built. I didn’t go look at it, I was sick to my stomach.

The next time I went to work over there, the guy was talking to me and the kids were playing around and talking to me when I saw her come out of the house. She struggled with her wheel chair on the gravel for the longest time making her way out to where we were. I talked to her and we tried to make pleasant conversation, he was not impressed she had come outside and it showed. She looked so sad, so young and dead inside. I felt so sorry for her. I think if it were to happen now I would have asked her if she wanted to go for coffee sometimes or something but I didn’t know what to do.

The kids and her went back in the house after a while, I never went back. I was disgusted with him. It was shortly after that when my brakes failed the first time. It makes me sick to think about it and maybe that is why I didn’t remember them until recently. I have wondered if JC was thinking if he could make me have an accident, I wouldn’t truly be at his mercy, he would have all the money he wanted, I would be totally reliant on him and unable to leave and unable to stop him from doing whatever he wanted. I know he always talked about all the stuff that guy had and what a great life he was leading.  I said something about him having a great life at his wife’s expense and it got brushed off.

I think about what that woman’s life must have been like, what my life would have been like if when my front tire blew that day on the freeway I wouldn’t have been able to keep it on the road. I was no more than 1 foot from going over the edge and down the embankment. It would have been tragic if not deadly, three tons of scrap flying, a truck that weighed 10 tons rolling over and over, leaving the road at 110 km an hour.

You never know what they are thinking, you don’t want to believe he could harm you, it is too much to think about that the man you just made love to could plot your demise but it happens every single day. He doesn’t even have to be angry, he only has to see it as the only way for him to be free of you, not fight for property in the courts, not pay child support, not look at you any more, get the insurance money.

Don’t be stupid like me, maybe that is why God saved me all those times; because I was supposed to warn you. Please, when you are planning to leave, do it wisely, get that app for your phone, go no contact, stash money, get the help of friends, go to a shelter, listen to your gut instincts, be safe and be smart just don’t be kind, he does not deserve your kindness and your kindness could end up killing you.

 

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6 Replies to “Killing Yourself With Kindness”

  1. Hi Carrie! Great “warning” post. I hope everyone takes heed. I certainly will. Do you know if iPhone has come out with that app yet? If I am going to make my exit, I may need it. At last reading, it was not available yet, and now I can’t remember what it was called. Thanks again for another great post. And if anyone has doubts, they should watch the cable channel “ID” (Investigative Discovery). They have those kinds of stories on there all day, every day. It is frightening how many of “them” there are. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dia, I have watched some of those shows and they are chilling! I lost my cable about a year ago but when I had it I watched ID and also another show that I think was on Friday nights. It was called “The Devil You Know” and it was about women getting duped by narcissists, they didn’t always die, but were destroyed in some way. We need more of those shows on TV educating people. ID TV really hit home with me. I remember watching them and thinking that could have easily been me. One the woman and her N were split but still seeing each other. He had come over to celebrate their anniversary and had exchanged cards and gifts, and he stayed the night. He told authorities he then left. She was brutally stabbed many many times. It took them a long time to figure out who had done it but they checked his phone records and he had placed a phony call to her after he had already killed her saying he was at a location far away but from the phone records they could see that he was only a few miles away. I thought of the text JC sent his sister only minutes before my front tire blew.
      Another one they only ever found a couple of body parts. One they never found any trace of her but they knew he had killed her because none of his alibi’s were true. i forget exactly now how they managed to nail him. But they all were so calm, cool and collected, never sweat when questioned, never broke down, just deny deny deny. and they all had it planned well in advance, it was not a moment of rage, it was premeditated. As for the phone app I don’t know, I didn’t know that they didn’t have one for I phones yet. this is the link to the article
      //www.reuters.com/article/2013/10/30/ca-whengeorgiasmiled-idUSnPnLA2PhzY+169+PRN20131030. Yes do be careful. It is so easy to talk ourselves out of protecting ourselves because it just seems so bizarre and unreal. How could we love someone who is capable of such a thing? Hundred of women do and are killed every year. I am not even afraid of dying, it is how he would do it that scares the crap out of me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love your posts Carrie. I love how you’ve grown so strong and resilient. You are an amazing woman, and I respect you so much!

    Here’s my thoughts…. I’m seeing a lot posts lately on domestic violence. Years ago, I had a brief “flirtation” or two with it, but thankfully was never really beaten by my ex although I did have a knife held to my throat one time, but I was never actually hurt.

    One time in a brief scuffle, I got a small scratch on my arm and that was it! I eventually kicked him out of our lives by sending him to prison and divorcing him. That was that. End of story.

    I shake my head over the fact there seems to be a lot of messed up males out there who think they can own a woman and abuse her with impunity! I’m a feisty critter myself! If they want to dish it out, they better be prepared to take it. I fight back!

    So what makes women stay in abusive relationships? In a sweet little gem of a movie called “An Unfinished Life”, Jennifer Lopez explains that a woman often stays because she feels she doesn’t deserve better, or her abuser is the best she can get!

    My feeling is that our society needs a reality check on the way it’s little girls are raised to adulthood! They grow up on fairy tales, and Walt Disney movies that teach her she needs a man to complete or take care of her. She is nothing without a man. Such crappola! We can do better! I know we can!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Linda, you are right, we are telling our little girls something we shouldn’t be, is it society and advertising, movies, cartoons, or the way we raise them. Which includes what movies etc we allow them to watch.
      I think many women do stay because they think they don’t deserve better but narcissist present themselves in such a way that they are your perfect mate. I had dated many guys prior to meeting JC and most of them were highly successful with good careers and they all treated me very well. I had high self esteem as far as dating and never felt inferior to the men I dated.
      JC had a lot going for him and from his account of things he had just had a string of bad luck, he just needed a woman to believe in him. I felt he didn’t realize how great he was and was lacking confidence and self sabotaged. I was his staunchest supporter, I really believed in him, I didn’t think I would never find better but I felt we were made for each other. I really believed God brought us together, that JC needed me. I took him back because I knew I was strong enough to weather the storm with him and show him I was not going to desert him like all the other women did.
      He had me so snowed. If anything it was my confidence in myself that was my worst enemy and probably why I stayed so long because I knew I would be fine without him. He used to say, “You could have any guy you want any day of the week” “You could sleep with a different man every night if you wanted.” and I would say, “Maybe I could but I don’t because I love you. I am with you because I want to be, not because I need you. You should be proud I don’t want any other man and i only love you.” I always thought he had low self esteem and eventually he would realize I wasn’t going any where. It seemed to me he sabotaged our relationship. It was over time that he made it so I did need him but the first 8 years it was not that way.
      I think a lot of women go into the relationship very strong and confident and expecting to be treated well and the N seems to appreciate her strength and they appear to be the perfect man, treating her like a queen and through the course of time he wears her down. I don’t know how we prepare our young girls for that except to teach them the warning signs and be there when they get involved with one.
      I think some times we raise our girls to be too self sufficient, that they can do it all, work full time, take care of the house and the finances, raise the kids and be a sex goddess in the bedroom and these guys feed off of that. They seem to really appreciate our abilities and seem to want to take care of us for a while and offer the more traditional relationship. When in fact, they use and abuse the strength of the woman.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There are many reasons why women stay even when they are desperate to leave. My husband used to use my children as weapons to keep me in the home. It worked up to a point. But when he held the knife to my throat, and all I had in the house to feed my children were 1 box of salt, and 1 box of baking soda, him keeping me broke, and deeply in debt, and having to burn my furniture to have heat in the house, while he seemed happier than ever at how rough surviving has become, you reach your breaking point! Once he was gone everything changed for the better! Peace and quiet, happy, well-fed, joyful children, a warm home, money in my purse! Happy days! Today, my biggest problem trying to get my tiller cultivator fixed for my garden. Probably will drop it off with my Mr. Fix-It brother. Life is good! Down with abusers!

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  4. what is it with them and food?? JC was so stingy with food too. It used to burn my butt he’d say he brought home supper. I would open the takeout container and it would have like an 8th of a soggy burger and a few ketchup soaked fries. I would refuse to eat it and he’d shrug like “up tp you” and then go on about how ungrateful I was. And you heard about the donut incident.I remember once making “biscuits” out of flour, baking soda, and a bit of margarine and water and cooking them in the slow cooker to have something to eat. Assholes

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