Do you know what makes you tick? What your personality type is? Why you feel passionate about some things? Have you been told your are too sensitive your whole life? Have you been made to feel inferior or weak because you are “too” sensitive?
This was discussed recently on a couple of other blogs on narcissism and I wanted to explore the topic further. There is definitely a correlation between who the narcissist targets and people who are more sensitive. That is not to say the targeted person is to blame for being the victim of a narcissist but it can explain why we were picked and how we can protect ourselves in the future.
It may be that the narcissist doesn’t necessarily target sensitive people, but more that a certain type of person is
more apt to stick it out with a narcissist. Personally I think everyone is a potential target, when he is looking for a new source everyone is fair game. The N is always on the lookout for a new or better source of ns, I learned the hard way that if you think your N isn’t screwing around you just haven’t caught him yet. If you look at it realistically, it is not that easy for them to find supply; they are always trolling for new and better supply so by rights they should be flitting from woman to woman but in most cases they last several years if not decades with the same woman. Mind you there are numerous affairs and breakups in the years but they return to one woman over and over, why?
JC said that to me after we split the last time, “I don’t know why you get so upset, I always come back to you. We always end up together.” I thought, “Yeah because I am the only one who keeps taking you back.” I asked him why he came back and he said something ambiguous like I was different from all the rest. and I thought, “Yeah stupid.”
They flit from woman to woman throughout the relationship because they need the thrill of the kill, and they get off on tricking a woman into believing they are something they aren’t but they need the “sure thing” at home waiting for them. If things turn out with the new woman they will dump the sure thing in a heart beat but they are not going to throw away the sure thing until they are sure they have hooked something better, even then they often try to switch the sure thing into the position of the “other woman” as the new woman takes the sure thing position.
When JC found the mother of his son after 15 years he laid it on really thick with her, saying he had changed and romancing her. I was very upset, he was seeing her when he was in Alberta and staying with me in BC but denying to me there was anything between him and her yet he would spend the night there. I had given up on “us” and was sick of tormenting myself wondering what he was doing and then he called. He asked me if I was driving and I was so he said to pull over he had something really important to tell me. I pulled over and he told me that he had an epiphany and realized I was the one he wanted. I was a little offended that he thought I would be so thrilled at the news I had to pull over. But as per usual, when he had his speech planned he didn’t want me interjecting my own feelings into the “conversation”. ( put it in quotes because a conversation is usually two people talking but it was more him giving a dialogue than a conversation) He went on to say that he could not trust her to be faithful while he was away trucking and he couldn’t live like that, always wondering what she was up to whereas I was…… and he hesitated … so I said, “a sure thing?” and he gleefully agreed, “Yes! that’s it a sure thing!” I said, “Great!” He was so excited at his revelation and was obviously confused I was not jumping for joy. I told him we could talk when he got home and he asked what my ring size was and as per usual we never did discuss it again. (What was so totally ironic is he was seeing several women but expected every one of us to remain faithful to him but I really believe he did not see anything wrong with seeing 4 women and leading us all to believe we were the only one. Since to him life is an illusion, so are his relationships, to him pretending to be faithful is as good as the real thing as long as the woman doesn’t find out.
The narcissist is basically lazy, although he needs constant attention; it is a lot of work winning over a new target, with brief encounters and casual flings he doesn’t have to keep the facade up as long and can go home to “the little woman, sure thing” and be himself.
Some women say they would never fall for his lies and they would never end up in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and I believe they could be right, they may fall initially but they would never hang in as long as we did or the N would dump them because they are too much work, too demanding, and not giving enough. I would be willing to bet money that most women have been with a narcissist but did not fit his needs or he took them on a few dates and dumped her. How many times do you hear a woman talk about meeting a terrific guy, they have a date or two and he just disappears? they weren’t invested in the relationship yet so it is nothing more than an annoyance. I bet it was a narcissist that realized after a few dates that she really wasn’t going to be able to provide what he had anticipated so he goes back to the sure thing and keeps trolling.
Just reading the comments on the blogs shows that the victims are all very much alike in many ways. Strong, independent and intelligent yes but also, sensitive (there’s that word again), compassionate, intuitive, responsible, respectable, dedicated, generous, insightful, well-educated and attractive. Who wouldn’t want to be described in those terms? BUT not all women are like that, some are selfish, princesses that expect a guy to cater to them, expect a man to support them, are none of the traits he looks for. They could still be nice people just not what the N needs.
It makes sense that a narcissist would be attracted to women who fit this description because they are not into giving and only interested in what they can get out of a relationship. It does take a special person to tolerate a narcissist. once again I feel I must emphasize that this does not mean the victim is in any way responsible for their own abuse OR that they need to change. But understanding why we are the way we are and our strong traits and weak areas will be very helpful in the future; protecting ourselves from falling prey again. To try to change our personality traits is just as difficult as the narcissist trying to be compassionate; he can fake it for a while but before too long his true colors will show through. We can try to not care, to not be sensitive to others emotions and to adopt a narcissistic “I don’t give a shit attitude” but we will only be able to pull it off for a while then we will fall back to our true selves.
I don’t know about you, but I like me, I don’t want to be self-centered, I want to help people, I want the world to be a better place in some small way because I was here. How horrible that when you die people are happy and have nothing good to say about you. Spend your whole life focused solely on your own needs and to have not done anything in your whole life that benefited someone else for the sheer pleasure of doing it and not because there was something in it for you. To never have loved, cared, worried about someone you love, to never have experienced the feeling of laying in the arms of someone you love with all your heart and feeling safe. I can’t imagine going through life suspicious of everyone, with a “get them before they get me” attitude, to have to keep track of all the lies, always wearing a mask because you know yourself that you are repulsive without it.
There is a strength in being open and vulnerable.
I had never loved anyone like I loved JC, (I am sure most of you can relate) I can’t even put into words how I felt. I knew that as long as I could lay my head on his chest at night and have his arms around me everything would be ok. I had never felt so safe, and loved in my life and I had never loved someone so completely, everything about them. For years the good outweighed the bad, but then I didn’t know about a lot of what he was doing either. I wish it would have been different, I wish he would have been capable of love, I wish he would have walked away instead of making me think if I tried a little harder he would love me again. I wish he wouldn’t have felt the need to destroy everything about me.
But I will never regret loving him the way I did, I did nothing wrong, I remained true to my inner self, I never pretended to be something I wasn’t. I am proud of who I am and I am damned proud of the effort I put into that relationship.I didn’t throw my hands in the air and walk away at the first sign of trouble. I loved him through good times and the bad times, that is what love is supposed to be all about. I believed in him, I wanted the best for him, I put his happiness before my own and I trusted him to do right by me, I defended him and encouraged him, I accepted him for who he was flaws and all; I never asked him to change ever. All I ever asked for was honesty, so I suppose being honest was too big a change for him.
He can say anything he wants, he can accuse me of all the atrocities he committed against me, he can call me a psycho and say that he was the victim. But I know and he knows the truth and as much as he will never admit it and hates it; he knows he is terribly inadequate and leads a shallow existence. That is why they always have to destroy their victim when they are done with them; because they know you know the truth about them; and that if they were ever compared to you they would fail miserably. You have the ability to destroy his fragile existence and he knows deep down that your goodness and honesty will prove him a liar and a fraud so he must destroy you. He hates you because you are everything he will never be and you loved him anyway, he knows he could never survive what he has put you through.
Be proud of who you are, glow in your ability to love unconditionally and completely; don’t listen to the people who say you are too sensitive; the world needs more people like you, people who care and cry for other’s pain, what would the world be if not for people who know how to love with their whole being. Sure it is painful, you feel more intensely than others, but you can change the world; for the better.
I found a site that has a free personality test that shows the 16 personality types. It is very similar to the Meyers and Briggs personality test but I found it to be much more informative and very accurate. I took several personality tests while on course about 15 years ago and I thought “Colours” was the most accurate but this test nailed me to a T actually.
My results were INFJ Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging
Here are brief descriptions of the different personality types
Intuitive and Thinking types – they are fiercely independent, open-minded and imaginative, shining in intellectual debates and scientific or technological fields.
Intuitive and Feeling types – they are cooperative, empathic and imaginative, focusing on empathy, morality and cooperation.
Observant and Judging types – they are highly practical, meticulous and traditional, embracing and creating order, security and stability wherever they go.
Observant and Prospecting types – they are spontaneous, practical and inventive, able to quickly think on their feet and make best use of their surroundings.
The site gives a much more detailed description of each personality type and how they relate in general, in a romantic relationship, as a parent and at work and what careers they are best suited for.
I would be interested to know what others scored on their test to see if we can see a definite personality type who falls prey to a narcissist.
I found it very interesting and it answered a lot of questions for me, even in what I should be doing with the rest of my life and whether I should pursue Ladies Witha Truck, etc.
Apparently only 1% of the world population has the same personality type as I do. That explains why I was always made to feel I was wrong to feel the way I do.
I feel I am right on track and living true to myself for probably the first time in my life and that is no doubt why I am feeling at peace right now. I am being true to my most core personality traits.
Remember what I said earlier in this post about not being able to change your personality, you can try for a while but you have to be true to yourself or you become unhappy and anxious. The N forced us to accept things we never would ordinarily, we compromised in areas we never should have and that was a large part of our pain and confusion; we were not being true to ourselves.
This is a perfect time to do a test like this because you are trying to “get the old you” back, put the pieces together again. This might help.
The link is here http://www.16personalities.com/
It you want to see how many of us score the same take the test and post your score in the comments.