I love spring! All winter I can’t wait for spring, I especially love spring at the lake. The snow is melting in the mountains so the lake is back and with the water come the Carp and the fishermen, the robins , the daffodils and tulips and my optimism is reborn.
Every where around me is new growth, buds forming on trees, plants poking through the soil reaching for the sun. My soul stretching and reaching for the sun.
Spring time means I can get out there and get my hands dirty. I can immerse myself in my gardens, moving plants around, thinning out some, relocating some to a sunnier spot, others to shade, cultivate the soil, and clearing out weeds.
Soon the momma ducks will be parading their broods of little ducklings around for everyone to admire.
The days are longer and warmer and the people friendlier. And my heart is always lighter.
Leaving the narcissist is much like going from winter to spring. The long hours of darkness, cold, bleak stormy days. You are feeling like it will never end, you will never feel the warmth of the sun on your skin again; and then it happens……one day you will realize the sun is warmer and brighter.
Spring comes slowly, no one flips a switch, it happens so slowly we hardly notice it until we realize its 8 pm and its still light out. You wear a coat outside and have to take it off because you are too warm. You notice the birds singing, lots of them, loudly. Then the plants start to grow and you know spring is here. You survived the winter!
Everything is fresh, the trees are the most beautiful soft green, the cherry trees are laden with tiny pink flowers. And after a spring rain the air smells so fresh you take in a huge breath and savor the sweetness.
Those going through the first stages of withdrawl from the narcissist may feel like they will never be happy again; that the sun will never shine in their life again. But as sure as spring follows winter so does healing follow the pain. It may happen like this last winter where the storms went on for seemingly forever. You might be feeling your inner storm will never cease.
The narcissist kept you cloaked in a heavy black cloud of uncertainty, anger, suspicion, jealousy, lies, criticism and all forms of negativity.
If you are patient and wait it out the spring time of your healing will come, and when it does, everything will be bright and new, colours will be more intense, the air fresher and you will find yourself taking deep breaths and shaking off the tension in your neck and shoulders.
One day you will realize you feel lighter, freer, reborn, with an intense appreciation for all the sweetness in the world around you. There are no black clouds over your head only sunshine.
You forgot what sunshine looked like or felt like and when you feel it again you will wonder how you lived without it for so long.
All living things have an amazing ability to adapt to their surroundings and survive things they should never have to endure. Trees will grow out of a rocky mountain side where there is no soil, a flower will sprout through a crack in the sidewalk, dogs will be beaten, abused and starved to near death and still live, a fish will only get as big as the aquarium he lives in will allow. So it is with people. Over time you have adapted. If the narcissist would have treated you in the beginning the way he treated you in the end, you never would have stayed. But they aren’t stupid, they know they have to increase the abuse slowly over time so you don’t see it coming and run.
At first you compromise because that is what you do when you love someone. But there was never any compromise on his part, he just kept changing the rules, putting up smoke screens and magic mirrors; until the day you realize you are some place you don’t want to be. You are always sad, depressed, angry, confused, and you feel as if the man you love hates you breathing his air.
Its been so long since anything was normal; the fighting, talking in circles, gas lighting, control, and unreasonable demands are your new normal. You don’t even remember how to relate to normal people. You feel self conscious and that maybe you can’t be normal any more. You don’t have anything in common with “normal” people. You start thinking that maybe the only person who can relate to you is the N. Even though the N is abusive you still have hope to cling to and you don’t have to try to fit in with a society that doesn’t have a clue about what you’ve been through. Besides you’ve learned to block much of the pain, you don’t even get angry any more.
But do you really want to live like that forever? No of course you don’t…… You just wish…..If only………if only he would change back into the man you met. If only he would have stopped cheating, if only he…….
The time for “if only’s” is past.
It is time for your rebirth its time to renew your soul, to raise your face to the sun and heal.
Just like you slowly adapted to the abuse you will have to heal slowly. You have never felt pain like this before because no one ever treated you this bad before. You have been raped, physically, mentally and emotionally. You have been abused at the deepest level possible, you have been sleeping with a man you don’t even know.
You need time to come to terms with that, absorb it and process it, just like weeding the garden so new plants can grow you need to weed out the negative crap the N put in your head so there is room for the new positive you.
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie