It is very hard to stop expecting the narcissist to act like a normal human being. The victim invariably ends up astonished at the lies and vindictiveness of the N.
During the relationship he was cruel, a pathological liar, unfaithful, gas lighted, manipulated and raged, but he always came back begging for one last second chance. You knew deep down he really loved you and sooner or later he was going to realize it too. He was just damaged from some previous relationship, or his dysfunctional upbringing; you knew him better than anyone, you knew that sweet innocent little boy who just needs to be loved and nurtured was buried inside there somewhere. You saw him when you first met and glimpses of him ever since. He is just afraid to be vulnerable and the more in love with you he grows the more afraid he becomes. That’s why after an especially romantic time he will lash out at you; he feels vulnerable. If you hang in there and prove you are not going to leave him like the others did, eventually he will accept the love he so desperately needs and you will both ride off into the sunset, the happy ending all romance novels are made of.
But it doesn’t end that way, far from it. This time when he told you it was over he hovered for awhile but out of the blue he gleefully tells you he has met the love of his life and for the first time ever he is truly in love. You are crushed, how could he fall in love with someone else so quickly and what did you and he have all this time? Apparently nothing; from the way he can just walk away.
But wait, the best is yet to come. As you are reeling from his revelation the slander starts. I am not talking about the typical “there’s two sides to every story” kind of talk that couples do when they break up. No! This is vicious, cruel, vindictive and totally uncalled for.
He is telling horrendous out right lies about you to everyone who will listen; friends, family, YOUR family, where you work, your church, simply anyone who will listen gets an earful about the hell he had to endure the whole time he was with you.
You are gutted! How can he tell such horrible lies about you when all you did was love him and put up with his crap, for years!! You forgave, forgot, compromised and he has now turned it all back on you!!
Not only do you not get closure, he is reinventing the whole history of the relationship. All the things he did to you and you didn’t tell people about because either you were protecting him or you thought no one would believe you if you did tell; he is now telling people you did to HIM and people are believing him!!!
Now if you try to say,”but he did that to me!!” people think you are just trying to turn the tables and blame him; after all if he was doing those things why wouldn’t you have told someone?
You must remember the N has perfected the art of deception through many years of practice. You can pick up on his lies most of the time, through time and experience you learned the little signs, that smirk, how he can cry at the flip of a switch, that little boy who stole the cookie look.
But to the casual observer he appears sincere, the way he is kind of hesitant, like he really doesn’t want to criticize you and the listener encourages him that its ok he can trust them. So he reluctantly tells them the hell he went through, how hard he tried, how he really loved you but you caused so much conflict and never appreciated all the things he did for you. He will even act ashamed that he wasn’t man enough to stand up to you. All the while he is mentally patting himself on the back for his stellar performance! And the listener; even someone who always liked you is now doubting you. The more you try to defend yourself the more you realize you are wasting your breath. With friends like this it is best to simply say, “He is lying, I will not defend myself to absurd accusations. His true colors will show eventually.” and walk away. You don’t need friends who are friends with him or who will put doubt in your mind, tell you how the N is doing or what he is saying.
Save your energy for the really vindictive slander; when he calls your employer or manipulates someone to call for him. Or when he calls the police or child services to report lies about you.
It is very rare that the N will not try to destroy his victim after they discard them. Why? Only a narcissist can answer that because a normal person doesn’t do that.
I can only venture a guess that he has to always be the good guy and the winner. He anticipates you are or have told people what transpired in the relationship and he must convince people you are lying.
But that doesn’t explain why he would jeopardize your future security but getting you fired or why he would want you in jail or have your kids taken away.
The only reason I can think of is that once he is done with you, you are punished for not giving him more. He is getting vindication for every time you got angry with him, every perceived slight against him, every time you left him when he told you to, for every time you tried to defend yourself. And in his mind if he doesn’t want you then no one should have you and you do not deserve a happy life, you are garbage to him. Besides you know the truth, the best way to keep you from spreading the truth about him is to keep you busy defending yourself against false accusations.
But that is of little consolation when it’s happening. Even if you know it is a trait of the N it is very difficult to not take it personally when someone is trying to ruin your life.
It is a very normal reaction to want to go to him and ask him why? What did you do to make him hate you so? Demand he tell people the truth, admit the truth!
But he is full of loathing and the look in his eyes chills you to the bone. You have never seen hate like that before.
That sweet little boy is gone and in his place is the devil himself. Your body and mind recoil at the realization that you don’t even know this man that you sacrificed everything for. That he not only doesn’t love you; he hates you and all he cares about is destroying you.
It is a horrific realization that no one can possibly understand unless they have been there. And at your absolutely weakest, lowest point in your life after depleting your resources trying to save the relationship you find yourself in court trying to disprove his lies. You are a basket case and he is calm, self assured, giving the impression he is “doing the right thing and finally standing up to your terany”.
So what can you do!?
For one thing keep a journal, start the journal before you leave, as soon as you question the relationship start a journal so you have dates recording the sequence of events. A journal will help you remember how events really went and prevent you from doubting your recollection. It can also act as proof to the court and family etc.
Secondly, forget about trying to appeal to his reasonable and compassionate side. He doesn’t have one. It will only feed his ego and if you say the wrong thing it could give him more ammunition.
Thirdly, do not under estimate the depths of evil this man will go to. Do as much damage control as possible. Tell your employer that your ex is abusive and slandering you so he is prepared should he get a call. Tell the police your ex has threatened to place false charges against you. One time JC had said to me, “Wait until the cops find out what you’ve got hidden in your place.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about but I called the police and told them. They had reports of domestic abuse on file and assured me they would not take any accusations he made about me seriously. That it is very common for an abusive ex to set up the victim. He then can say, “whatever I did isn’t as bad as what she did”. Plus people love to hear dirt on people, they don’t care if it is the truth, it is exciting and garners them attention when they retell the lie.
Once a lie has been told enough times it becomes fact just because so many people have heard it that it must be true.
5th, choose your friends wisely, do not reveal anything to anyone you can’t trust with your life. Because we are talking about your life here, this is very serious.
6th, People who say, “Who cares what lies he tells, people that know you won’t believe him” are naive. People who know you, shouldn’t believe him but like I said earlier, they are masters at lying. They can make your honesty look like lies compared to how convincing they can tell a lie and make it look like honesty. And yes people who believe him are no friends of yours BUT they become accomplices in his vendetta against you.
You have every right to be concerned and should not “just ignore” them.
7th, speak to a good lawyer, one who understands narcissists and has dealt with them in the past. You may not need him but to have a lawyer on speed dial is always a good safety precaution when dealing with a narcissist.
8th If at all possible, leave the area with no forwarding address. I know you don’t want to let him win or go running to hide with your tail between your legs but the sooner you are out of sight the sooner you are out of his mind as well.
Every time he sees you he sees a threat to his future happiness, you could blow his cover. If you are doing well he resents it because he thought he had stripped you of everything of value. He will be angry you were holding back on him or mad at himself ( you) because he missed something.
9th Be prepared. Take every precaution to be safe, lead an exemplary life so as not to give him more ammo.
10th Know that it is not personal, they all do it and it has nothing to do with you. It hurts like hell yes, it makes it harder to heal but that is why there are websites like this one; these bottom feeding, soul suckers cause massive damage to their victims during AND after the relationship. It isn’t fair, no one ever accused a narcissist of being fair. It is what a relationship with an N is all about, him taking everything he can from a person.
Concentrate on your healing, living the best life you can, self improvement, meditation, yoga, getting centered and get to know yourself. It is time to be aware of what the N is and is capable of but after that it is time to concentrate on YOU. Read, Wayne Dyer, Ekhart Tolle, Dr Robert Hare, are a few good starts. Plus the many blogs on the topic. A few are
Let Me Reach
Avalanche of the Soul
Anatomy of Love
And so many more that escape me right now.
Participate in supporting others who are not as far along in their recovery (remain aware though that this might hold you back from healing and be triggering for you . Do not feel guilty if you find it is not healthy for you to continue going to a blog. You must put your healing first and foremost)
There is life and light after the narcissist, I promise! Hugs Carrie