I had too much pride to ask for much help when I was with JC, plus I knew that if I accepted help it would come with conditions; the main one being I could not go back to JC and I was not prepared to make that commitment. I did receive help and when I did the exact thing I had feared happened, I would end up going back and the person who helped me would be pissed off. Rightly so I suppose; so I stopped asking for help. I also felt disloyal if I talked about him and he would get furious if he suspected I had. He always said, “You must have said something awful about me to your folks because no matter what I do they still hate me. Or he would say, “You only ever tell people the bad things I do, you never tell them all the nice stuff I do for you. I don’t know how he knew these things but he was successful in getting me to not talk about our relationship with anyone. On top of that I had left and gone back so many times I there was no point in complaining about how he treated me, everyone knew I could say it was over in the morning and by that night he and I would be a couple again. So I stopped talking about the relationship and pretended everything was fine which wasn’t hard because my family had disowned me and I had isolated myself from all my friends.
Eventually if you cry wolf too many times you find that there is no one to cry to or ask to help. You have burned all your bridges and no one wants to hear about it any more and they are sick of helping just to have you go back a few days or weeks later. You lose your credibility, people doubt that it is as bad as you say, if it was…. why would you go back time after time? maybe once he could fool you into believing he has changed, but come on….. 5-6 times?? Even if it is as bad as you say, they have helped before and it did no good so they give up.
This is a double edged sword, you lose all the way around. Every time you go back to the narcissist he wins more ground, you lose more of your support network, he gains control and the abuse gets more severe. If the abuse wasn’t physical the more times you go back the more confident the abuser is that he can beat you and you will stay, besides where will you go? everyone has given up on you and he knows it. It is all part of the plan; destroy your support system before he destroys you. By the time the abuse gets to the point where you truly fear for your life you have no where to go and are so beaten down and dependent on him you feel you can’t leave.
It was very hard for me to leave JC the last time. I didn’t think I had the strength to start all over yet again, I had no friends, no one to even talk to, I had never felt more alone or in more danger. I knew I would be doing it all alone and I had given him 2 more years to whittle away at my self esteem, destroy my business and clean me out of every resource I had. By the time I left the last time I had nothing left to rebuild with and this time he didn’t come begging me to take him back; why would he? he had succeeded at what he set out to do; use me up and toss me aside, garbage, useless, not wanted by anyone, a nobody and easy to walk away from.
I want to stress how important it is to make the decision to leave and be sure when you do that you stick with it. It is better to stay until you are positive you want to leave than to keep leaving and going back. Many time the victim will leave thinking it will teach the N a lesson, show that you mean business and when he comes begging you to come back you think he has come to the realization he has to treat you better or he will lose you, but that is not the way it works. Reality is; the N learns he can do anything he wants and you will still come back, you lose any support you have and the abuse gets worse. Now the narcissist is angry you left and when he wins you back he will make you pay for having the audacity to leave him. I was very stupid, and lucky to be alive because what I liked to think was a love so strong we couldn’t stay away from each other was in actual fact me setting myself up for the slaughter. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim is planning to leave or has just left the relationship. 70% of domestic homicides happen when the relationship ends.
As I have said before, plan your escape well and without his knowledge, make it as quit as possible and immediately go no contact. Yes he will be furious and he will probably stalk you, harass you, flood your phone with horrible text messages, cry, rage; he will not take it well, but he never takes it well and if you try to “wean” yourself off of him, break it to him gently, remain friends, discuss things or any other civilized approach to leaving it will work against you every time. You have to keep reminding yourself that they are sick, they are liars, and they do not have a conscience; you are in danger.
Last week on one of my posts a woman named Jill commented that she was being held against her will in a trailer behind Broken Bow Inn in Broken Bow OK by a woman who is her lover. I was concerned for her, she sounded desperate and very scared, I did up a separate post asking if anyone was familiar with Harrah OK (At first I didn’t know what Broken Bow was and had searched Jill’s IP number and come up close to Harrah). Jill commented on that post thanking me for trying to help her. Anyone who wants to read the conversation Jill had with me and Ellie the post is here http://wp.me/p1wKh3-3gq
Over the course of several days Jill shared with Ellie and I some pertinent information, she gave us her full name and age, where she used to live, and she told us that she had been married to an abusive man and the woman she was with now had rescued her from her abusive husband. She gave us her husband’s full name also. I immediately did a search on Jill’s name which came up exactly like she said, she had lived in the town she stated and the age matched. Then Ellie emailed me a link to Jill’s ex husband’s criminal record. When his picture came up on my screen I inadvertently gasped. He was the scariest looking dude I have seen in a while. He sent chills down my spine, he looked exactly the way a psychopath should look. So it was obvious that Jill had been honest about who she was and I was convinced she was indeed in danger.
I told Jill it might take me a few days but I was going to get her help to get out of there. She was very concerned about her dog and would not leave her dog behind and very afraid of this woman. She kept saying she knew she was going to die out there in that trailer, she told us she had been beaten the day before and the woman was saying she was going to have her committed or arrested if she tried to escape. Ellie found the number for Broken Bow PD but Jill panicked when Ellie mentioned it and begged that we not contact the local police because the woman holding her was well connected in the town and the police would do nothing and she would just get in trouble and probably beaten.
I started searching for someone who could and would help Jill. I am not familiar with US laws etc, we have the RCMP up here and that is it, in the US there are sheriffs, police, FBI; I wasn’t sure who to approach about it so I looked for organizations helping domestic abuse victims. There was one right in Broken Bow but I didn’t want to take the chance they would be on the side of the abuser so I emailed a woman’s shelter in Tulsa. That was last Saturday, and on Monday I had a reply from them giving me a list of various resources in the nearby towns. I found one that was about 1/2 an hour out of Broken Bow and emailed to see if they could suggest what I should do. I told them the pertinent details and offered to send them a copy of the conversation with Jill if they wanted. I never heard back from them at all. Then it was Wednesday night and I had not heard a word from Jill in two days so I felt probably Lisa (the other woman) was figuring out something was up and I had better get Jill help as soon as possible. I found the number for the FBI in Oklahoma and using their tips contact form emailed them the details, Jill’s full name, her previous address, her ex husband’s full name (I figured they would recognize the name and it might motivate them to move quickly. I offered to send them a copy of the conversation and asked for their advice on what I should do as I am from Canada. I added that i had not heard from her in 2 days and was concerned.
There was nothing from them or Jill the next morning but Thursday mid day I got a message from Jill. All it said was. “The FBI showed up today,……I got beaten………help!
And that is it. Not another word.
I felt ill.
I pray she is ok, but I know she isn’t, even if she is ok physically she is not ok mentally. She made a few very common and danger mistakes. Number one was to get involved with someone right away; whether it is a woman or a man, she put herself in the position of being reliant on someone else, and trusted someone who appeared to have her best interests at heart but was acting for selfish reason’s. She jumped from the frying pan into the fire. She didn’t give herself time to heal from the first abusive relationship, she didn’t do any work on herself or deal with any of the psychological scars left by the first abuser and packed all that baggage into the next relationship. When you first leave it may feel as if you are not strong enough to do it on your own but to accept help from someone who wants to be your lover is not the help you need.
Second, she asked for help to get away and when it came she didn’t take it. I am sure the FBI will not respond as quickly next time and if I ever have the need to ask for their help again I am sure they will not be as apt to act as quickly.
I have to say I am impressed at how quickly they responded, I fully expected to not hear a word from them. i wish I knew exactly what transpired but I probably will never know what happened or what will eventually happen to Jill.
Everyone please say a prayer for Jill and her dog.