Safety Measures After Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Someone asked me recently if they could be tracked through an email and I had said yes because your IP number shows when you send an email but I was wrong (I think) I went into my email and I did not see anyone’s IP number. BUT with that being said I would not be emailing the ex from your home computer because with technology as it is, there is probably a way to track someone through their email address. Do not take anything for granted when trying to keep yourself safe. A great app for anyone in, or leaving an abusive relationship is the phone app I talked about in a earlier post, the link is here. I always recommend keeping a journal and that is first on my list of  “To Do’s” for anyone in or  leaving an abusive relationship, as soon as you realize you are in a dangerous relationship you should start journaling, if you haven’t been, it is never too late to start. So many times women end up having to go to court for restraining orders, or to fight for child custody and a journal and pictures etc would have been so helpful. It is invaluable when trying to fight the narcissist’s lies. It helps you stay calm and in control when the narcissist starts throwing accusations at you or demanding answers to questions. In front of a judge you can refer back to your journal and answer to anything the narcissist throws at you instead of becoming flustered and confused. Just make sure he never finds it!! Remember that the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship is when the victim is leaving or has just left; especially if it is not the narcissist’s idea! It is always best to make it as quick as possible and without his knowledge if possible. I know with kids that is not easy but still as quickly as you can and with friends to help. If you don’t have help and feel you are in danger just leave!……don’t worry about material things, take what personal papers you can, a change of clothes and go while he is at work. Hopefully you have been able to sneak a change of clothes for the children and yourself out of the house at some point and any important papers that you may need, identification, marriage certificate, birth certificates for the children etc. Do not harbor any notion of staying friends with the narcissist or gradually pulling away. It doesn’t work like that with a narcissist.  People who come in and say they are split from the N but have to share the house until it sells or they get a job or whatever other excuse they can come up with are not separated from the N. If you are in the same house he is still pushing your buttons and more than likely you are still having sex. You are only kidding yourself if you think you working through the emotions of leaving; you are delaying them; you have not yet experienced wrath of the N to its fullest extent nor his vindictiveness. If anything he is keeping you on an emotional roller coaster; with a narcissist you are always somewhere between breaking up and getting back together. They like it that way; it gives them excuses to screw around, keeps you on your toes and they thrive on the tension and the continual state of saying Goodbye or making up. Talk about drama! On top of that, as soon as he/she thinks you really are about to leave they will throw on the charm and make you doubt your decision.


The best way to say goodbye to a narcissist

It is NEVER a good idea to tell him you are leaving him. For one thing you can bet he will empty any joint bank accounts if he thinks you might be leaving and if he means you harm it is only giving him a heads up. If you drain the joint accounts you don’t want to see him after doing it! Even if you don’t think he is capable of murder you never know what an N is capable of if he feels he is pushed into a corner and they never like to be without supply. If you leave before he has a chance to hook your replacement he is going to do whatever he can to stop you from leaving. Even when it is his idea you have to remember, once he is at the point of discarding you, you are garbage and useless in his mind; you are now the enemy and quite possibly going to cost him money and inconvenience, in his guilt free mind the easiest way would be to kill you. If he thinks he can get away with it, he will. He could make it look like suicide, you could just “disappear”, he could tamper with your vehicle or he could hire someone else to do it. don’t kid yourself into thinking you can have an amicable separation and divorce, it does not happen with a Narcissist.

Contrary to how you have probably operated within the relationship, this is not the time to keep the abuse a secret. Tell everyone, your family, the neighbors, your employer and the children’s school. This is for your safety as much as theirs. Tell the neighbors that if they hear anything that sounds like you are in danger to call the police immediately. People are prone to not wanting to cause trouble for other people, mind their own business and view domestic violence as a “personal issue”, give them permission to get involved and call for help. Tell them they don’t have to physically help because they might be too afraid but anyone can call 911. Tell the school that you are leaving an abusive relationship and your husband is not to pick up the children or if he does that you should be informed immediately; also it is a good idea to tell the teachers so they are aware of any behavior changes in the children, that kind of thing. Inform your employer so they do not give out any personal information, so you can arrange to leave with other employees, and to make sure that if your ex shows up at work they call the police. If you don’t show up for work they know to call the police to check on you. And if you think your ex may harm you or he threatens to harm you tell him that you have informed family and friends that you are not suicidal and if you should die in some freak accident he is the first person who will be under suspicion. I told JC that for a year before I finally left him. Strange thing is, when I did tell him that he didn’t even blink an eye or say anything. I thought that was very strange. He just continued what he was doing and it was never mentioned by him again. But I am sure he thought about it and I am sure he thinks about it now with his new woman, he has no doubt that if something happened to her I would be singing like a robin in spring.

Inform the police in the town you are in and if you are going to a new town go in and talk to the police in the new town. They quite often will make sure to do an extra drive by your residence and if you do have to call the police they have it on file that you have left an abusive relationship. If you have your ex’s licence plate number they can keep their eyes open for his vehicle parked in the vicinity of your residence. Teach the children that if daddy is hurting mom to not try to help but to run to the neighbors and phone for help, tell them that they should never put themselves in danger and they are a much bigger help if they can get the police.

Some women get a gun, which, IF you take shooting lessons and have a licence to pack a gun is fine but it can give a false sense of security. In fact it can be dangerous if you are not familiar with guns and aren’t prepared to kill someone. Let’s face it, you may be able to shoot a gun with some accuracy in a controlled calm environment but put yourself in the position of pointing it at a man you love/loved in a surprise confrontation, you are going to be shaking like a leaf and you have to make that first shot count because if you don’t you are going to really piss him off. IF you do not kill him, injure him good enough to stop him or he is able to talk you out of shooting him,(which in the past they have been able to manipulate you into a lot of things); then you have just given him a weapon.

Same goes for a knife, the only way a knife is effective is if you are within arms reach which means your strength against his which usually is not the place you want to be in.

Your best bet is to take a self-defense course, a course designed specifically for women to defend themselves.

The biggest tool in keeping yourself safe is to be aware and listen to your gut. If a situation doesn’t feel right, if you sense danger, do not doubt your instincts, leave the situation. If you get a feeling an area is unsafe do not question your gut, if you sense danger there is a very good reason. Leave and do not go back until you have someone with you. Who cares if you are wrong, you are alive, if your gut is right and you ignore it, you probably won’t have a chance to regret your decision, it will be too late.

Always remain aware and alert to your surroundings and never put yourself in the position of being vulnerable. stop stalkingAlways park in the open where a lot of other people are parked,

At night get someone to walk you to your vehicle and lock the doors the minute you get inside.

Make sure you don’t have the back seat full of stuff that someone could hide under and check the back seat before getting in. Always drive with your doors locked, day or night.

At home keep your door locked and do not open it unless you know who it is, even if they say the police and show a badge, unless you can see their face and see a cop car don’t open the door. A peep-hole is a great investment. I don’t have one and really wish I did.

Keep your windows locked and get sticks to keep them from being pried open.

Make sure the entrance way is clear of bushes where someone could hide and is well-lit. Installing a panic alarm is a good idea if you can afford it.

Also security camera are an excellent idea. You can get package deals now where they install 3 or 4 cameras in strategic locations around the house, they will go on immediately when there is an activity, you can monitor them remotely over your phone, laptop or computer plus it gives taped evidence.

When you get home, take a few seconds to scope out the house and the neighborhood before you get out of your vehicle. Look for anything out of the ordinary. When JC ambushed Kris and I; I knew something was different when we pulled up to the trailer but couldn’t put my finger on it. JC was supposed to be gone but was still there and had his truck parked right across the entrance way into the patio area where we had to go to enter the trailer. He had those bright spot lights point out so Kris and I were blinded by them. I said to Kris to not say anything to JC and just go in the house and we would lock the door and go to bed. I had to squeeze past the truck between the lattice work and the truck to get in to the patio. After being in those bright spotlights I was blind going into the dark patio, I was feeling along the wall to find my way and I heard Kris say to JC, “I told you to be gone by the time we got home.” and then Kris was saying, “I don’t want to fight.” I barely got “Kris!” out of my mouth and JC jumped on him. I tried to get between them and JC threw me aside. I was screaming and it seemed like forever but eventually neighbors started to gather on the roadway. JC had a chain wrapped around his hand and was punching Kris, I was hanging on to his arm trying to lessen the blows to Kris’s head and screaming for help the whole time. Finally I heard from the darkness someone say, “Do you want us to call the police?” I yelled “yes!” and wondered what the hell was wrong with them that they had to ask. The whole story can be read here

I have been stalked and it is a very vulnerable position to be in. I don’t know how JC managed to stalk me when he was driving a 1 Ton flatdeck with a beaver tail, it wasn’t exactly a nondescript vehicle. I could hear that truck from the corner when he was coming home, he had it all rigged up with search lights and it had a really horsey exhaust that was unmistakable. It was a very distinctive truck and yet he surprised me many times.

One time I was going to visit friends that lived on a dead-end street. It was dark , I did what I usually did, drove to the end of the street, turned around so I was pointing in the direction I wanted to go when I left and parked the car right in front of their house. I did not see anyone following me, did not hear the truck, yet when I was 1/2 way across the road he hit his high beam and there I was like a deer in the headlights, blinded. He honked and I ran inside. He must have gotten a real laugh out of that.

Another time, going home, it is a gated community and I clicked for the gate to open, I did not see anyone as I pulled in but as the gate opened, he was behind me and flipped on his high beams filling the interior of my car with light and followed me into the park, riding on my bumper. The police had escorted him to get his things from my place, they took his clicker away and assured me that he had agreed to abide by the no contact order, he was not to be in the park. Not 20 minutes later I went outside to get another box because I was packing to move, I bent down to get the box and when I stood up, bam!! I was in the search lights on his truck, I was frozen, blinded. I could not see anything but I heard him honk and the rumble of his truck leaving.

You should also be aware that there are tracking devices that can be attached to your vehicle. I have seen one and I can not believe how small and inconspicuous they are. Even now I doubt I would be able to find one on my car. When Colin found one on my truck he showed it to me and it is no bigger than a small bolt. It kinda looked like a nail, I had no idea what it was. He said it would take 2 minutes for a person to walk past and slip it under a vehicle. I assume it attached with a magnet. Also, at one point when we were still living together he had a GPS in his car. Then he installed a new Stereo in my truck, but it was exactly like the one I had, just a stock stereo but he insisted it was better than the one I had and I wasn’t going to argue. After that my heater never worked again so he obviously did something when he was in there. Then his sister and I heard a voice that sounded like it came from the glove box, even Kato heard it. Denise took everything out of the glove box and couldn’t find anything, but I bet it was in the dashboard and he put it in there when he put the stereo in. Later, months later, I used the car and GPS didn’t work and he told me someone had stolen part of it. It didn’t dawn on me until the other day that probably he installed part of the GPS on my truck so he could track me on the screen in his car. In the last two years of our relationship he never got home before me, ever; he always arrived 5 – 10 minutes after me. I looked on my way home thinking he must be parked somewhere along the way but I never caught him.

Speaking of GPS, a person can hack into your phone and track you by the GPS in your phone.  If they can get hold of your phone they can install an app that you will never find. You don’t even have to be using your phone, they can see where you are, listen to your conversation with the phone just sitting beside you, they can read your text messages and access all the info on your phone, hear your phone conversations and voice mails. When you consider how much information we keep on our phones, that is pretty scary.  The really scary part is that they don’t even have to have access to your phone. JC hacked into my phone by calling me and that was it. He calls you, you answer and he is connected. Or if you don’t answer but call him back and he doesn’t answer he is connected.

blocked callI didn’t recognize a number on my call display and thinking it may be a work call I returned the call. His voice mail answered and I hung up immediately but he was already hooked up to my phone and tracking me. I took my phone in to the store and the young guy in the store checked it and said he couldn’t see anything, but I know he had hacked into my phone because he knew things no one would know unless he had I purposely fed him info to see. I believe he tracked me through my phone when we were together and then after we split I got a different phone and of course he knew my new number because I was in business and it was on my truck and he knew so many people I dealt with. When he was coming in under the name of Norma Rockwell, (lol that cracks me up every time, you would think he could come up with a better name than Norm a Rockwell. hahaha) he even commented that a techie can track a person through their phone and then they would be hacking into your phone calls also.

For those of you who are not tech savvy there are a few free resources on the net that people can find you through. There is reverse phone lookup where you can put a person’s phone number in and get their address.

If you don’t have strict privacy setting on your Facebook you can block him but all he has to do is make up a new Facebook account and see whatever you have open for the public to see.

You can Google a person’s email address and get any websites they subscribe to with that email address, if they are selling things on Craig’s list using that email, their LinkedIn, Google +, all of that is open territory for them unless you set very strict privacy settings.

Anyone can get access to the court registry to see what a person has been charged with and what the result was.

Many times if you comment on a blog using your usual nick name it will show up if they Google your nickname. I advise Googling your own name and usual email addresses and Usernames and see what comes up, if stuff comes up I would change my  Username to something he wouldn’t guess.

I can’t think of anything else but if I do I will add them as they come to be. Most importantly, remain aware, no getting drunk and staggering around the night club, do not go out alone at night if possible, make note of your surrounding always, never put yourself in a vulnerable position and first and foremost LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! and stay no contact. Blessing on everyone!

9 thoughts on “Safety Measures After Leaving An Abusive Relationship

  1. tigerlilly34

    Great post Carrie !! There is also another good way to protect yourself, wasp spray its not illegal to use and it sprays up to 30 cm away, and it temporary blinds them giving you enough time to run. They also have to go to the hospital to have it removed.



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