This is how I have felt with the N. I have often compared watching a person who can’t give up the N to watching them on the train track with the train barreling down on them and you are screaming to get off the tracks but they can’t hear you over the sound of the train.
I just realized that this is about an inner battle but I related it to the battles with JC and his desire to destroy and my frantic battle to hang on.
Grip the ropes, both of you,
and get ready.
another round of tug-of-war in my head.
Throw me off-balance,
drain me of energy,
just as long as you keep up the push and pull.
Grasp the rope harder
and let it rip;
I feel the tightness bounce back and forth
within this rattled skull,
constantly knocking me off-center.
I trip in the mud,
get caught up in the muck,
and I slide,
feet dug in like a bulldog,
but still you pull and twist the rope
toward the line of transgression.
Angrily I jerk back the overly taught line
and you fall forward
long enough for me to gain some ground.
Reel me in,
drag me down,
face first in the mud.
I fight feverishly to grab at leverage
that just isn’t there.
The line inches closer,
tauntingly closer, and I am exhausted.
Still somehow I fight,
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