Push and Pull: Living with Two of Me in My Head [PTSD]

This is how I have felt with the N. I have often compared watching a person who can’t give up the N to watching them on the train track with the train barreling down on them and you are screaming to get off the tracks but they can’t hear you over the sound of the train.
I just realized that this is about an inner battle but I related it to the battles with JC and his desire to destroy and my frantic battle to hang on.

Picking Up the Pieces

Grip the ropes, both of you,
and get ready.
Another day,
another round of tug-of-war in my head.
Throw me off-balance,
drain me of energy,
just as long as you keep up the push and pull.

Grasp the rope harder
and let it rip;
I feel the tightness bounce back and forth
within this rattled skull,
constantly knocking me off-center.

I trip in the mud,
get caught up in the muck,
and I slide,
feet dug in like a bulldog,
but still you pull and twist the rope
toward the line of transgression.

Angrily I jerk back the overly taught line
and you fall forward
long enough for me to gain some ground.

Reel me in,
drag me down,
face first in the mud.
I fight feverishly to grab at leverage
that just isn’t there.
The line inches closer,
tauntingly closer, and I am exhausted.

Still somehow I fight,
and…

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2 Replies to “Push and Pull: Living with Two of Me in My Head [PTSD]”

  1. Hi there! Thank you for blogging this.

    The wonderful thing about creative writing of any kind, whether or not it has basis in fact, is that we all have our own unique perspective on what something we read and how it connects with our hearts and how we interpret its meaning according to events and circumstances in our own lives. So for me, while this is how I would express my inner turmoil, maybe for you the way I described this stuck a chord with how you felt while going through the endless wave of battle after battle with him.

    And that isn’t wrong. I am glad that I was able to put to words what you were feeling so you could have that “That’s how it was for me, too!” moment. Believe it or not, arguments and physical beatings also were like this for me with Kevin, but this garbage in my head just has me all sorts of twisted and I can’t stand it.

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    1. I can understand the battle in your head, been there also. It is interesting to see who different people interpret the same piece of writing. I have found that with songs also, I will have one scenerio and someone else will have a totally different interpretation and they both make sense. One thing for sure, you are a very talented writer and I have been enjoying your blog. I can relate to the way you express your thoughts.

      Like

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