As I said in part one of Eenie, Meenie, Miney Mo this post was inspired by a recent interaction that went on behind the scenes and I thought it was interesting to see how the relationship with a narcissist unfolds and develops. After I posted part one I thought how silly of me to not use the names in the title as the pseudonym for the people in the piece. So for this post the main character will be called Eenie, her ex husband Meenie, the exhusband’s ex girlfriend will be Miney and the abusive girlfriend of Eenie will be Mo.
I just wanted to touch on a reaction I had while posting the first half of this article. No matter how much time goes by when I posted the comments made by JC about me; the lies and the loathing that is obvious in his comments; still hurts. Not like it did, nothing close to that; I liken it to when I used to have Gall Bladder attacks. They would be so painful I would be writhing in pain on the floor, in so much pain I couldn’t stop myself from moaning out loud. I would go to the hospital and they would give me a shot of Demerol and I would slip away into blessed pain-free sleep. When I would wake up I would no long be in pain but I would feel bruised deep inside; as if someone had kicked me as hard as they could with boots on right under my rib cage. I wasn’t in pain but I knew I had been and felt very tender. That is the way I feel when I read those comments. It hurts to have loved someone with all your heart and do your absolute best to make them happy, to want nothing more than for them to be happy and to love you the way they once did. To not know what you can do to fix things, to be willing to do anything, give up everything just to please them. It isn’t that he didn’t love me back; that hurt…………a lot………..but to be blamed for the demise of the relationship and be lied about and everything good you ever did be totally dismissed and denied. To be lied about and to have the person you loved and thought you would grow old with talk about you with disdain and want to destroy you………… that is a deep hurt that doesn’t heal easily if ever totally.
I know that JC would never understand that.
I hesitated to even mention it on here because I fear he will read it and get some sick ego boost from the knowledge he still has the power to hurt me. He was my great love, the love of my life and my greatest pain, the worst experience of my life and that should never be, one person should never be the greatest and worst thing that ever happened to you. The love of your life should never cause you that kind of pain and if they do; they should certainly not derive any pleasure or feelings of superiority from it.
I know that JC sees what I write here and feels justified in his lies, tit for tat. But what he doesn’t comprehend is; that I write the truth because to him lies are the truth. To him, the lies he tells are reality. Life is an illusion and as long as no one hears the truth the lies can remain the truth. It is a warped view and hard to comprehend. But I really believe that in some sick way he didn’t understand that him having another woman or two in Alberta and one in Sudan that he was telling he loved; all behind my back; was wrong or why I would be upset. He was very loving with me through that time, called every night, told me he loved me and missed me; he said all the things a faithful loving husband would say; he created the illusion, in his mind he gave me what I wanted and as long as I never knew the truth there was no harm done.
When the victim find out the truth and is angry the N is infuriated that the victim is not playing the game to his rules and tries to make him accountable. In his mind he gave you what you wanted so why can’t you just be happy? But he doesn’t even know what he wants and is so empty and void of true caring and loving emotions he will never get it. He ends up hating everyone and want to destroy them because they won’t accept his illusions as fact.
So twisted and ………..well sad. It makes me sad to know that he has no idea how much I loved him and only hates me for giving him something most people would be honored to have.
I still say and probably always will feel that loving him was not wrong and I am not ashamed of loving him. In retrospect I know it was dumb to keep believing and keep forgiving but when you love someone that much you believe in the power of that love to change the world. Loving that much makes you feel like you have super powers and in the beginning he made you feel you did, It is naive to think that way but when you don’t know that these “people” exist how can you be anything else?
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I have never wished ill towards any of my ex’s and I don’t wish it on JC either. I am ambivalent about him, if I thought he could be happy I would wish him that. I have never felt he owed me love for me loving him, but i did feel he owed me the respect of honesty and respect. If he would have given me those two things I could have walked away and respected him.
Now that I have rambled on and on about that I will end this post and do the Eenie, Meenie post separately. Which will be coming later today.