An Excellent Article On Infidelity

I came across this article today and thought it was well worth sharing. It is not specifically about narcissists but many of the questions are ones asked by the victims of narcissists and the answers are spot on to what I have said in reply to those same questions.

Over the course of my 15 years as a private investigator specializing in infidelity, I have dealt with thousands of cases. Many of my clients ask the same questions when they first come to see me. Even though every case I deal with is unique, it seems that the pain and rejection experienced by my clients unites them. The questions are still as heartfelt as the first time I took on a case of discovering infidelity, and my answers are built up for many years of experience.

1. If he wants her so much why does he stay with me?
Because he wants her as well as you. If he’s fallen head over heels in love with this woman and he can’t live without her then he might leave you for her, as some men do. The ones who don’t are just plain greedy.

2. Is it wrong to have him watched if I suspect he’s having an affair?
Absolutely not. Don’t ever feel guilty about protecting yourself. As his wife you have every right to know what he’s doing with your health, finances and emotions.

3. Why does he keep doing this to me? 
They keep doing it because they know (from experience) you will forgive them. Often women who are married to serial cheaters will scream and shout at their partner if they discover he has been cheating, but ultimately they don’t take any action.

Remember you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you’re not prepared to up the ante, then expect to continue living a life of emotional turmoil.

4. He’s lied so much to me. How can I ever trust what he says again?
To learn to trust someone again is extremely hard, and in some cases impossible. It is such an individual choice, and only you will know if you feel truly comfortable with what is being said and done. There’s no quick fix for infidelity. In fact, it can take literally years to restore trust.

Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner has understood the gravity of his immaturity and the choices he’s made, then you’ll never get over his infidelity.

5. I know he’s having a relationship, but is it sexual?
Of course it’s sexual. It doesn’t matter if it’s looking at pornography, chatting with other women online, or physically having an affair, because in the end it is a desire for sex. If it was all so innocent then the only question you would have to ask your partner would be, “Would you do any or all of these things with me present?”

When you ask the question “Is it sexual?” what you’re doing is trying to justify your partner’s deception and to minimize your own emotional anguish.

6. Is it my fault?
How can it be your fault if you didn’t know it was happening?

Your husband may have tried to shift the blame onto you by saying if you were only more attentive, less busy, etc., he would never have done this. But for every action there is a reaction, so he should take responsibility for his actions.

7. I think my husband’s having an affair but he’s home every evening, so how can he be?
Many affairs are conducted during the day, mostly when both parties are married and going out in the evening would arouse suspicion. Many of my clients seem to think affairs are about long afternoons together, but in my experience they’re much more likely to be quickies during the day because remember, time isn’t the issue here; it’s all about sex.

8. Why won’t he tell me the truth? That’s all I ask.
In majority of cases, his lies are to avoid having to face your anger and hurt if he tells you the truth. He hopes that denying it will make it go away and you’ll give up asking. He lies to protect his ego and often to protect the other woman, fearing that you will use the information to undermine him or her. And finally, he may fear that the truth will damage his image in the eyes of others.

9. Do I need to prove the identity the other woman now that adultery is no longer grounds for divorce?
Initially, needing to know has nothing to do with money and everything to do with uncovering deceit. Uncovering emotional deceit often leads to uncovering financial deceit. That’s when needing to know has everything to do with money and divorce settlements.

10. Should I stay for the children?
Children easily pick up on tension at home and can blame themselves for what’s going on. If you choose to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, one happy parent is always better than two warring parents.

11. When I say I’m going to leave, why does my partner not take me seriously?
Because you didn’t leave. Threats without action are worth nothing.

5 thoughts on “An Excellent Article On Infidelity

  1. Susan

    Very true. As in my situation, he wasn’t leaving me, he had the best of both worlds. It must of been her idea to move in with him, and he got caught by me, so his plan didn’t work out. That’s why I could never understand this OW, but she got the bargain now.
    As we discussed some woman will tolerate lying, cheating and STD’s, because they have no self-esteem.
    Working on mine, because it will never, ever happen again.
    Good article.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ellie2013


      WHY must have it been the OW’s idea? I am still not understanding HOW you can give him so little credit for being an N? That YOU think he would NOT move on ? That’s what THEY do. Multiple supply, one is not enough nor any BETTER than the other. HE had a wife when you cruised w/ him and it didn’t seem to bother you. I guess YOU tolerated THAT. Perhaps because you got to cruise for free? Why is she so different and WHY is it HER fault? I know you warned her, big deal. Carrie has explained and explained why a “warning” does not work and actually works against you. Sounds to me that you are angry YOU lost the “bargain” and are quite jealous of her, her ability to pay for her own trips. I personally think her paying her own way will work to her advantage as in giving the N less to hold over her head. Seems like you BOTH tolerated lots. One no different than the other. IMO only.


  2. thenarcissistwrites

    Well said, especially the last bit – if you say you’re going to leave, leave. It’ll be hard, but it’s necessary.


  3. Susan

    Please do not misunderstand, he master minded all of this I know that! but like we say on this blog, if there lips are moving they are lying! yes she is caught up in all of his lies! cheating and BS.
    First, the wife is living in Chile, she left him in 2008. I believe he supports her, because she has never worked and we don’t live on air.
    if she was in America, I would never of had a second date with him.
    He has only seen her that I am aware of is possible 4 or5 times, within 5 years of me being with him. Even though he denies sleeping with her I am sure he did! but she is his wife! and probably screwed half the men in Chile, she is very beautiful and he is not really a good looking man, so for an N, she makes him feel good, so he doesn’t divorce him.
    I am not wishing the OW anything bad, but if I had the education as she does! I would never relocate my life, for a lying, cheating, diseased bastard.
    For him, there is never, ever forgiveness.
    If this OW experienced some horror with him, and contacts me, I would help her? I am not that kind of person.
    I don’t ever want to see him in my life again, ultimately he is responsible, but I will say it for the last time, as most of us did was try to save her.
    She will figure it out for herself.
    As for paying for vacations, I can and could do that, but not with him, because our deal was he said, I will pay for everything for you except gambling. I just booked a tour to Europe, going to some other places too. If he wanted to take me on trips, he pays. If I meet another man, we are of similar financial means, then I contribute, but not when they are financially loaded and I am of modest means.
    I am to the point in my life I don’t care what they do and they both could sail off into the sunset.
    We all know he has nothing inside him, he cannot love and I want a man that has something inside himself.
    When all this came down, a relieve came over my body, my first thoughts were, now I can maybe find a man who will really love me.
    But, a month later when I found out I had the HPV cervical cancer virus, and have lesions removed from my cervix, I have been consumed with hatred for him. Then I find out she was sleeping with him way before! she told me she was! I lost it. I am positive she is not the only one that contributed to this too, the wife, he has an ex-girlfriend who is a bi-sexual, who he would go visit and lord knows who else he has.
    If I never got the virus! I would have never cared.
    But, my therapist is helping me move pass the STD, and I am done! with the rest of this crap? It is like an insane movie, that a man who is 65 years old can act like this. He is one sick f…k
    She can deal with it, I am free……..
    Definite learning experience. never ever will I put up with sh?to like this.
    The adjectives I left her with were he is a lying, cheating, narcissist possessive, controlling, jealous, WHOREMASTER , diseased low life scum bucket.
    Guess that is what she wants and what she got.
    Did I leave any adjectives out ladies, or did I cover it all?



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