I had another message from a woman in total panic mode yesterday. We have all been there i think. He has dumped you, given you ultimatums and you are afraid you are going to lose him, even though you have been miserable, even though you are a nervous wreck because you can never please him, even though he has made you give up all your friends and family and destroyed everything important to you; you don’t know what to do. You are afraid, ashamed and generally feel lost and frozen, not knowing what to do. I am going to tell you right now what you need to do in no uncertain terms. I doubt many will do it, but it what you should do and some day you will wish you had listened to me.
You have to start breathing, you are in panic mode and reacting to his actions, not thinking clearly, that is what happens, I remember having panic attacks when JC would say “That’s It!! It’s Over!!” I couldn’t function, I would be pacing, just panicked, I couldn’t go to work, or do anything until I talked to him and he told me he loved me. I would stop and phone from a phone booth crying and he would then say how he hated to see me cry and where was i, he’d come and get me, that i shouldn’t be driving when I was so upset. I would be so relieved to be back with him I would forget what we were fighting about in the first place.
You have to learn to breath through the panic attacks, take space for yourself away from him so you can think clearly. You know he is not good for you, you know you are not happy, it doesn’t make sense that you didn’t kick him to the curb long ago but that is because he has been manipulating you and is out to destroy you any way he can. He wants everything and anything you have and to leave you destitute and an emotional basket case.
Don’t ask why, he is a narcissist that is the only reason there is.
Yes you loved him and got sucked in by him but there is nothing to be ashamed of. Shame will keep you in his control. Shame will make you keep trying, in hopes you will prove that it wasn’t a mistake. Admit you made a mistake, just like hundreds of other women and men and take control of your life again. You can do it. hundreds have and you can to.
It wouldn’t feel good, it will hurt and you will have self-doubt and you will shed many tears but you will be on the road to recovery. By staying in contact with him you are expecting the man who destroyed you to put you back together and it isn’t going to happen, he is only going to take more from you until you truly have nothing left.
You have to have your reasonable, rational, logical mind override your emotional mind, you have to self counsel, tell yourself what you know to be the truth, not the reality he feeds you. Look around, do you know any body who has a relationship like the one he expected from you? NO! because any normal healthy woman would tell him to go Fuck himself. Who cares what his friends say.
JC used to want to do all these expensive things and to spend any money he made totally on himself and for me to pay my own way, I couldn’t afford it. I used to think that he needed a woman who was independently wealthy, without children, who didn’t work and could cater to him 24/7. Well, he found her after me, a widow with money, no kids, never worked in her life and only wanted to cater to a man, have dinner ready when he got home from work and play the dutiful housewife. It hurt at first but I knew I could have never been that woman for him, I had a kid, I needed to work, I didn’t have money to spend on him; it was the facts, I could never be what he wanted no matter how hard I tried.
But guess what?! he isn’t happy with her. Why? when he has everything he wanted, he now has the vehicles, she sold her house and invested the money in him, gave up all her security to prove her love for him, every thing he has wanted in the last 3 years since he met her she has given him. So what could the problem be? She has expectations, she wants him to come in at 5 to eat supper, she wants him to sit and watch TV with her, she expects fidelity, honesty and for him to earn a living, now that she has spent her money and invested in “them” she wants a “them”. The never of her to not be an endless supply of money and gratitude for him gracing her with his presence (not presents) She is supposed to have an endless supply of money and have no demands of her own. He used to say I had expectations and if I didn’t have expectations I wouldn’t be disappointed, that I( needed to learn to go with the flow and be more flexible. Well, damned if she didn’t have expectations and needs just like me. But he knew she would, he didn’t expect to live happily ever after with her, he just wanted to make her think it long enough to get his hands on her money. THEY ARE NEVER HAPPY, NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. if you give them what they want, they want something else. That is just the way they are so give up the notion that you failed him in some way.
You can wallow in shame or you can say, “Ok I made a mistake and I am going to fix it. I did what I could and I am taking control of my life back.” You can choose to keep doing the same things you have been for the next 10 or more years and only lose more or you can take your life back.
Feeling stupid and ashamed are wasted emotions, all they do is bring you down. Give yourself credit for stepping away now. Give yourself credit for not expecting your mom to apologize, give yourself credit for not moving in with him and putting your kids through that. Give yourself credit for finding this website and asking for help. THOSE are positive emotions, those are being in control actions, those are taking care of yourself. Discard all the negative shit that is running through your head that HE placed there. Don’t own it. Refuse it. You can stop the tape playing in your head, it takes work but you can do it.
Stop being a victim and be a survivor. This is day one of your new life. Start no contact now!! do not give him your answer. When he doesn’t hear from you he will contact you and I highly recommend you don’t talk to him. He will try to rage you into compliance, guilt you, and eventually love you into doing what he wants. He will be like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum because he didn’t get what he wants. So don’t talk to him, don’t take his calls don’t read his emails. Have your kids screen the calls, get your mother to come stay with you so you are not alone, call your support system around you. circle the wagons and get ready for the attack. stand firm and do not let him see you upset. It only feeds his ego. Let your family run interference for you.
This advice is golden, if you do as I am suggesting you WILL start to heal. not over night but soon. You have to break the addiction and the power he has over you. There is nothing to be afraid of by leaving him, what is it you are afraid of? can you name it.? In order to be afraid you have to know what you are afraid of. Figure it out. Then come back and I will help you face your fear.