Humpty Dumpty is one of the few children’s rhymes I remember. I am sure not many people would hear it and think of a narcissist or the victim of a narcissist but actually it could be written about the victim of narcissistic abuse.
Like the song I posted yesterday, “Don’t get too high if you can’t come back down.” When the N decides to discard you, you “Take a great fall” and are left in a million pieces; broken, without any idea how to put yourself back together again. Many victim’s frantically look for a man to make them feel loved and “OK” again. But all the kings horses and all the kings men, can’t put you back together again. Only you can do that.
The odds are that if you rush to get involved again with another man you will find yourself smack dab in the middle of another narcissistic relationship because you are too needy and they are so enthralled with you, you soak up the attention and it feels so good after the horrible discard of the N. Now, not only has he found the love of his life, you have also but what you forget is that the N’s don’t love so it is easy for them to “fall in love” quickly. You on the other hand need time, it is not normal to be able to fall in love that quickly, it is normal to hurt and need time to recover.
History repeats itself, you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over until you learn from the experience and he is going to keep treating women like he treated you because there is pay off in it for him, he always wins the victim loses.
The only way to make sure you do not become an N magnet is to get to know yourself and become a person you like, until you do you will continue to base your self-worth on the views of others. Until a person is truly broken they don’t have the opportunity to look at all the pieces that make them who they are and decide who they really are.
I was talking with one of my neighbors Friday night, her son committed suicide 10 years ago. I can not imagine a worse pain than that; it would be bad enough to lose a child but then for it to be suicide, well, I cry just thinking about it. She described herself as “broken” it seems inadequate but I don’t think there are words that can describe it. And can a person be more broken than another person? I don’t know, I can’t imagine feeling anymore broken than I did when JC and I split. My neighbor said that she belongs to a support group and many of the people who attend it have experienced what they can only describe as a “rebirth” and they actually would not change the past because they have attained such a peace and serenity they wouldn’t want to lose it. She said she has had a rebirth but could never be thankful her son is gone or not turn back the hands of time if she could bring him back.
I can’t conceive ever not wanting your child back among the living but as far as the experience with JC, if given the choice of erasing him out of my life I would not do it. Although the journey getting here was the most painful thing I have ever endured and I have no idea where my future will lead I would not change anything. It is so hard to put into words and I wish I could tell you how you can fast track yourself to this kind of peace and serenity, but the whole painful process brings you here. The more people I talk to about it the more I hear of people who are rewarded for their pain and suffering with an inner peace they have never known before. It is a peace that is not reliant on anyone else’s moods or approval, it is not a fragile thing, it will not break in a million pieces if someone disapproves of you, it is as if you have a secret, a special gift that are given to a chosen few.
How do you get it? Well, when you are broken, when you have no self-confidence and don’t even know who you are anymore, you have no identity because it was so wrapped up in what the N told you about yourself and you were so busy trying to be everything he seemed to want, yet he kept changing his mind. Mixed in are the things you were told you were or should be by everyone else you have ever known, your parents, siblings, bosses, teachers, boyfriends, friends.
All of a sudden you are sitting there, an empty shell of a person, barely able to breathe, unable to put two intelligent thoughts together or decide what to eat for lunch and all around you are tiny pieces of you scattered at your feet.
You have no choice, you have to start putting yourself back together, so you pick up a piece, on it is written “too sensitive” you hold it, look at it and study it. Are you too sensitive? Or were you perceptive and he was trying to throw you off track? have you been told before in your life that you were too sensitive? Who told you that? What were they doing, were you too sensitive or were you being perceptive? Ok maybe you are a sensitive person, do you want to be different? can you be different and eventually you take that piece and put it back in the empty shell that is you. It may be modified to some degree but now you are willing to own it, it is part of you. You pic up another piece, maybe it says ” stupid” so you look at that, study it, are you stupid? you did well in school, who told you that you were stupid? and you decide whether you are going to own that one and you have no proof that you are stupid, you don;t even know why you have packed that for years, you realize you were packing it before you even met the N, so you throw it away, you don’t own that one, and you go on to the next piece and so on. It takes a long time, it won’t take place in a day or a week, it is a totally personal thing because only you know the lies you have been told about yourself, the lies you tell yourself. It is hard work, it takes you back to childhood hurts and stuff you have had buried in your sub-conscience for years, a life time.
I am not saying that i don’t still have moments of self-doubt, those voices in your head are persistent but now I am so aware of them that the minute they start chattering in my head I stop myself and think about what they are saying. Are they correct? or are they old issues that I have resolved and my mind is falling back into old ways of thinking.
An example I have had going on recently would be the thought that if I am myself with people they will eventually see a part of me that JC saw and not like me. JC never identified what it was that he could not live with, what views of mine were so dysfunctional that he could not live with them, just that he could not live with my dysfunctional views of the world. This weekend I sat around a neighbors campfire drinking a cooler and talking about God, rebirth, kids, dogs, and painting, so of it was heavy stuff, but I was talking to people who have experienced a lot of heavy stuff. I thoroughly enjoyed myself but the next day I had self-doubt, I was so open, maybe they don’t like me now. I had to stop myself and analyze what the voices were saying to see if there was any truth to what the voices in my head were saying. I could not find any truth in it but then I thought, so what if they did get to know you better and don’t like you? What will happen if they don’t like you? Nothing!! Life will go on and it’s not that I am unlikable or a bad person, not everyone is going to like me, I don’t like everyone so why do I think everyone should like me? I have peace about it. I like me and I don’t want to change anything about me, I don’t need the approval of any one, I may like people to like me but it is not a need.
Does that make sense?
I have a peace about the future, yes I stress about money, that is the big thing right now, but it is something I can not do a lot about right now either. I do what I can and I am doing the things I need to do to make more money but these things take time. I didn’t pay my rent yet for June. I simply did not have the money, I had to choose what needed to be paid and I paid my hydro because it was going to get disconnected, I paid my phone for the same reason, I paid a girl friend back that I have owned for months, bought groceries and I am broke. But I have been painting and hopefully will sell some stuff, I have my pick up at Home Depot, some pop bottles to return, and some kind soul donated $20 last night, it will all add up and some how I will make it through the month. I can only do what I can do and do my best and I am at peace with that. I know in the long run I am going to be ok, I just have to make it through these tough times. That is a peace I have never felt before in my life. A peace that comes from facing a challenge you never thought you would survive and making it through.
It is being so thankful for the calm and peace of not having JC in my life causing drama and trauma every chance he gets. It is coming home and knowing what is behind the door. There is still uncertainty in life, challenges, disappointments, there always is….. we don’t need an N in our life creating more. There is nothing more soul-destroying than having the person you love sabotaging your happiness. A person that loves you should rejoice in your happiness not take pleasure from your pain but some of us may have been raised in a family where the people who are supposed to love you actually try to keep you down. People can be selfish that way, many people don’t like to see someone grow, succeed, have confidence; it is as if it diminishes them in some way or they feel by putting you down it makes them look better. We don’t have to own that, we can choose to not take it.
When my son went into rehab and then became involved with the church he started saying/doing something I had never heard anyone say before. If someone said something about him, he would say, “I refuse to own that.” I had forgotten about it until recently. I wish I would have remembered it when JC was calling me names and telling me I was a psycho bitch. I wish I would have looked him in the eye and calmly said, “I refuse to own that JC.” There is nothing more they can say, how can you argue with someone who refuses to own what you are telling them?
I find it really interesting that I recently had my eyes checked, it’s been a few years, probably just before JC and I splitting. MY eye sight had not changed in years! for 20 years I have had the same eye sight, the same in both eyes. I went a few weeks ago and my eye sight have improved! who’s eye sight improves with age? Co-incidence? a rather interesting one, seeing as everything in my world seems so much clearer.
So before I head out doors to enjoy the sunshine I want you to think about it; if you are laying there broken, don’t expect someone to put you back together again, not the kings men, not the men on Plenty of Fish or Match.com, just pick up a piece of you and decide if it is yours to own or not and if it isn’t; throw it in the garbage or burn it. Only keep the pieces of you that truly make you who you are and who you are comfortable being; you can’t help but like yourself. Then you won’t need a man and when you do meet a man who loves you, you will be able to enjoy it and not fear losing it because your self-worth won’t be wrapped up in his love.