My Gratitude For JC

I have been really busy lately and I want to fill every one in because I am so excited but I also checked my tracking device that I have on this blog and “he” still lurks. Obviously his declaration that he was “done”,”fini” , “She is dead to me” was a lie like every other promise he made. I am a little confused because to quote his blog;

“Anyhow….I am so far past all of this that it makes me sick to even go back and roll around in the mud…which is what discussing anything to do with her feels like. I am done. Nowhere, anywhere, will it be found where I discuss, mention, or even hint to, CR. I was done back in 2010, and the best thing I ever did was to extricate myself from that dysfunctional, and poisonous relationship. It took a long time to be totally rid of her, and she keeps rearing her ugly head from time to time…..but to no avail. She has no emotional relationship with me. She does not exist to me anymore.

For the first time in my life I am looking forward to a future, with my sweetie, instead of just surviving every day, not knowing what crisis was coming, while throwing my time, finances, and affections, into a black hole. (which sums up my 10 years with CR)

So live long and prosper.

There will not be an addendum to this post.

This is the end.”

That post is dated July 2013 and has been changed since it was originally posted, it is much kinder than the first post he did. But back to what confuses me; my “ugly” head has not reared itself since I emailed him asking him to please leave me alone and telling him I could not be his friend and I didn’t think it was fair to M that he wanted to make me a success like him. Even though I could park myself right in front of his house or take the job posting I saw in the paper looking for a domestic abuse counselor in the town he resides, I wouldn’t do it. (just like he said he could go for propane and didn’t say he would). I have refrained from calling his home, mailing his home, or slandering his company, because I prefer to get on with my life and I am quite happy to let him move on to another victim love of his life.

I have another ex who visits this blog, Stan, who I was married to prior to meeting JC. It’s strange how Stan can leave a comment and it warms my heart, I know he means me no harm and he visits here because he has a genuine hope that I am doing well and is interested in my life for positive reasons. It is possible to separate from someone you loved and not hate them or want ill to come to them. It is possible for an ex to care about you and not have any desire to bring you harm. It is possible to check up on someone with the purest of intentions and it is not “stalking”.

I think it is possible for two people to have loved each other and split up without hating each other. I have remained “friends” with most of my ex’s, I remained friends with Kris’s father for years after we split, until his new woman was extremely jealous of our friendship and he had to end the friendship or lose her, I understood when he chose her over me. So when a few weeks ago Stan left a comment on one of my posts my first thought was not “what is he up to?” , instead it reinforced that I am not a paranoid bitch like JC would like me and others to believe;

I have reason to believe JC lurks because he is looking for information by which to cause harm to me in some way. It is a strange feeling to know that someone hates you to the degree that they would want to destroy any hope of you having a comfortable and happy future. It hurts. I know I am a good person and I only ever had JC’s best interests at heart and the only times I ever did anything that might have “hurt” him was when I stood up for myself and protected my interests when he had put me in a position of danger. It boggles my mind that a person can think it was vindictive of you to protect yourself and your future, they seem to think that once they are done with you they should be allowed to destroy your reputation and any hope of making money or recouping some sort of security for your future and you are not allowed to protect yourself.

What sort of “human” is that vindictive? A sick human, that’s who. THAT makes me sad, when you face that kind of evil you can’t help but feel like “what is the point?” When evil like that exists what hope do the rest of us have? When you do something bad against someone you expect consequences but when you only ever loved someone and they want to harm you it is confusing, it is so totally contradictory to anything we have been taught we can’t process it and thus, why we stay and ignore the danger. The healthy human mind can not comprehend that kind of evil and so we deny it exists. To think that I have to give up any hope of success or happiness in the future because JC will destroy it is maddening and soul-destroying. I still get this urge to “just talk to him” to dispel the paranoia in his mind that makes him jeopardize his new relationship by staying up all night checking my activities. I feel like saying, “Ok, you had your fun, you fucked up a lot in my life, it was very tricky of you to put a GPS on my truck and how clever of you to tap into my phone and access my voice mails and texts. How brilliant of you to call where I worked and tell lies about me, you deserve the “vindictive ex award of excellence!” once again you are the best. You win! you showed me.

Then I thought maybe he isn’t lurking in hopes of harming me, maybe he is feeling so guilty about the horrible things he did that he is checking to make sure I am ok.

In that case, it’s endearing that JC feels so guilty about what he did to me that he is obsessed about finding out if i am ok and I would like to reassure him I am doing very well thank you and you can move on now. I would hate you to lose the best thing that ever happened to you, your soul mate, the love of your life, because you were up on the computer making sure I am ok. I want to assure you that you have done more for me than any other man in my life, because of you I have found an inner peace and serenity that I never thought possible. I like myself better than I ever have and I have never been more optimistic about the future than I am right now and I have you to thank for that but I really think you have to get a life now.

My life is pretty boring compared to the life I led with you. My vehicle never breaks down, in fact I haven’t sat on the side of road waiting to be rescued since, well…….lets see………..not since the last time you fucked with my truck. mmm what a coincidence!

I had to put Kato down as you know, your lack of concern about that warmed my heart but I am happy to inform you that even though I cried everyday for months my loving son (you remember the one, the young man you tried to turn against his mother, the young man you attacked because he tried to defend his mother) sent me a puppy at Christmas and although Kato was my little buddy, Stella has won my heart and is such a great companion and so easy to care for.

I have volunteered to help maintain the gardens in the resort here (as you know I love to garden and I love to be part of a caring community) and was watering last night and stella was such a well-behaved sweetheart, just laying where I told her while I watered. Little Pat came over to say hi and ask how I am doing, Terry, Marleen, Doris, and a few others you don’t know, everyone loves her and we are both fast becoming part of a great little community of people who watch out for their neighbors and work together to create a beautiful place to live.

As you know I loved this place from the first day I came here and it feels like home to live here. I have you to thank for that also. Had you not gotten the job here I never would have found it. And had you not stolen from the resort, gotten fired and been such an annoyance and disturbance in the park they would not have been so welcoming and supportive of me when I came back. But no, you sacrificed your own good reputation just to make me look good by comparison. You did so many wonderful things for me I can not thank you enough.

I don’t know if you know, but my son has moved back to BC and he and I are as close as ever and he is doing extremely well. He is making excellent money, and has such a flawless reputation as a hard worker who does his job above and beyond any expectations and he is in high demand for his expertise. I could not be prouder and I think he and I are even closer than ever before. Adversity will do that some times, make people appreciate each other more. I guess I have you to thank for that also.

It is amazing how you timed the call with Ccon, as it turned out it was the best thing that could have happened. Unbeknownst to me I was in heart failure at the time and had I been working I would have probably keeled over with a heart attack out on a job somewhere and died. But seeing as I was home I was able to get myself to the hospital in time and you timed it so well that I had just enough hours to get EI sick benefits and got the time I needed to recovery, not only my heart but my soul. That was so thoughtful of you, I was touched by your concern.

But the thing I am most grateful for and the gift few people ever get, is the gift of tearing me to shreds and blaming me for everything, for telling me to kill myself because I was a paranoid bitch who made your life hell for 10 years and that no man would ever want a suicidal, ungrateful bitch like me so I might as well kill myself. That was a profound moment and ingenious of you to think of it! To break me so completely knowing that at that moment I would have to decide to live or die. But of course you knew I would want to live right? Of course. Because you are such an all-knowing and caring person; you were just motivating me to look at myself honestly piece by piece. I marvel at your brilliance because it worked, I had to take all the shards of my soul and put it back together, analyzing every…..single…..part that makes me who I am. Every single thing I did in the relationship and my motives, my deepest wishes and desires. You made me search my soul for any reason that you would hate me so much you would wish me dead by my own hand.

It could have gone terribly wrong but you believed in me, you, when I had no one in my life to encourage me or support me, YOU believed in me and took me to the deepest darkest place a person can go because you knew it would make me a better person in the long run. There are no words for the gratitude I feel for that.

I can thank you for having a lot to do with making my son the man he is today. Most men would try to set an example to a young man without a father active in his life. A “typical” man would try to show an impressionable young man how to treat a woman with respect and how to lead a respectable life but you took it to a new level, you challenged his manhood and mocked him, pushed every single one of his buttons. Somehow you knew that using reverse psychology would work on him and now he is the opposite of everything you ever were and I could not be more proud.

You taught me so much about myself and my values, things I never would have learned had I not met you, I learned that I can survive a life of abject poverty, that I can be stripped of every material possession I have and still be happy and find a reason to live and the strength to keep trying. I discovered that there are only a few things in life that really matter, like my kid, the love and support of the people I love, the loyalty of the people I love and that no amount of money or things give a person pleasure if you don’t have honesty, integrity and people who love you.

Do you remember years ago, we had been together for about a year and you were treating me like I was a one night stand who didn’t know it was time to go home, I was crying, asking if you loved me and you said, “see? its; not so easy to love someone when they don’t love you back” I had wondered what you meant by that but I understand now. No it was not easy to love you for most of the 10 years we were together but I will not regret any of it because it taught me that I have an amazing capacity to love unconditionally. I didn’t love you for what it would get me, there was no reward in loving you, yet i did. No matter what you did to hurt me, or what you took from me I loved you, accepted you as you were, forgave you and gave you 2nd chances over and over again. I didn’t know I had the ability to love like that, I loved you for the pure sake of – I loved loving you.

I just want to let you know; should you come to check on me again;that you really shouldn’t, you have done so much, MORE than you should have, more than any other person would have done and it’s been over 3 years, it is just not right that you are still so concerned for me and making me a better person. I am sure M would like more attention and I hate to deprive her of your unique ability to bring the best out in people. I MUST insist that you focus your attention on the lovely M and give her a lot to be thankful for too. I remember you always said (see I was listening when you talked) I was an ungrateful bitch who didn’t appreciate all you did for me; that I was a black hole that you kept throwing your money, efforts and affection into, never getting anything back. I want to assure you that I am SO fucking grateful, you have no idea. You taught me gratitude like I have never known. No shit really! I have you to thank for the serenity that comes over me ever morning when I wake up and realize the warm body next to me is Stella and I will never have to get up another morning and wonder what the F you were doing all night. I give you my blessings, I truly wish you all the happiness you deserve.



23 thoughts on “My Gratitude For JC

  1. Amen! Gosh, the things you wrote remind me so much of the N I am married to. They really are carbon copies it seems…evil.


    1. audbug, they are so much alike it is textbook. After 3 years of this blog I have heard the same story hundreds of times, There are variations but basically they all follow the same format and take the same steps, like they all took the same course in how to be an asshole.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie,

    I think JC lurks because he gets NS from seeing you write about him. He can’t help himself LOL Remember, doesn’t matter if what you write is good bad or indifferent it is STILL about HIM and I am sure he can’t wait till he sees his initials in print again. Perhaps you should start referring to him by some other name, dick head, asshole, scumbag, piece of shit all come to mind………. but I am sure you can come up w/ something appropriate. 🙂 On the serious side, I really do believe it is to just see how much he is still effecting you and each time you mention his name he knows he still is, at least thinks he is. Kinda like how serial killers like to see things written about themselves , when the police is trying to solve the crime. In some sick way they feed off of it and you ex is feeding off of this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ellie, it is sick. You would think he would have more pride than that. It is really so unattractive. their egos are so huge and out of touch with reality that no matter what a person does they twist it to be a boost to their ego. If I quit the blog he would tell himself it was because he drove me to it. If I describe him in derogatory terms he is happy because I am thinking about him, if I cry he’s happy he caused me pain, either way he is getting strokes from it. Plus I have given him lessons on how to do a better job of it with the next one because now he knows what gave him away. I thought of that a long time ago but what the hell is a person to do. You want to warn victims and the psycho gets tips on how to avoid detection. Too fucking much thinking for me. I just write what comes to me and if he wants to jerk off to it that is his choice. He pisses me off and disgusts me. I don’t even give a shit what he does to M anymore, I am finally at the point where I am happy he is with anyone but me. It doesn’t matter what I call him, I never called him JC, and “soul sucking bottom feeder” is so long,
      I had such a good day today, even he can’t bring me down.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow. Idk how I ended up on your blog. But I’m speechless. I knew there was something in my relationship that after 15 years I still can’t fix. So many similarities between jc and my boyfriend. Especially the never coming to bed. You should think I would be numb to the rejection. Pathetic of me to still ask him to sleep with me. I left before but got back foolishly. I am leaving soon. I knew I felt abused but could never put a name to it. Thank you.


    1. Carrie it isn’t very often I see my name spelled the same and now you say JC and your boyfriend are so much alike, you must have been meant to drop by today.,
      I went back many times myself, until I was an empty shell and had absolutely nothing to my name. Don’t wait too long, he will destroy you. Leave and go no contact, block him on everything and come in here for support. We will be glad to listen or answer questions. It is hard to leave and no contact is really difficult but it is the only way to break the control they have over us and our emotions. I remember leaving JC and being so confident that this time I meant it and somehow he would guilt me, or manipulate me into taking him back, time and time again. I was always better off without him until this last time, he made sure I had nothing to start over with.
      The not coming to bed is a control thing, they know you want them to so they won’t. JC used to keep track of what time all the women he was seeing went to bed. What was up with that? He would put it in his journal, Marita went to bed at 11 or Tina went to bed at 10 and he wouldn’t go to bed until the wee hours of the morning like it made him superior or something. Totally F’ed up thinking.
      Once you are away and no contact for awhile a lot of things will come to you and you will shake your head at how crazy life with him was.
      Good luck! we are here if you need a shoulder.


  4. This has to be the single most beautiful thing I have come across in trying to heal from NA. I moved to a different state with him, leaving family friends and a job behind and he became violent with me and beat me up- denying it all, of course, to everyone. I turned to the cops and after investigating and hearing both sides, they are pressing assault charges on him and had him arrested. He has a master’s degree, high paying job and is ever so charming so it was easy for all but two of our friends here to believe him and think I was overreacting. I had no money, overdrew my account, am staying in a coworker’s couch and no friends here while he enjoyed flying to different places for the weekend and going out to drink since this happened (it’s been a month now). It was the most agonizing pain I have ever felt. I am starting to heal in looking back and paying more attention to situations that were minimized in the past and recognizing how much of a liar and ugly person he always really was. I felt like such a bad person anytime I reacted because he would deny his behavior or call ME abusive for “bashing him” (this is after he’d pull out his gun and hold it to his head threatening to kill himself and it would be my fault). Recently after uncovering a horrible lie from a while back, I finally began to feel grateful to be so separated from such an ugly person. He has been bashing my name left and right to anyone who listens, but secretly messages me pictures of us and love quotes (I have not responded, of course and do not ever plan to). This post of yours made me cry so much in a different way— I am so thankful to know how much love I am capable of giving and how powerful I was to forgive him and want to see the good in him. I am also so happy that I was able to piece myself back together in the lowest of lows with no money or support. I did it. I am capable of so much and my road to recovery is off to a beautiful start. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you so so so so very much.


    1. freebird, thank YOU, I am glad you got something positive out of the post. It makes my day to know I made a difference to someone’s life.
      You are very welcome and way to go!! You have every right to be very proud of yourself. It is great to hear of another woman who overcame the devastation they cause. They are not all powerful, they just like to make everyone think they are.
      Big hugs


  5. I dont understand how they (N) can be so powerful over us. Like they want to call all the shots. I really resent being “destroyed” by such an evil. lying, underhanded piece of shit. Why do they have so much power? I need to get off my butt and go see a lawyer. I’ve put it off long enough. I’m beginning to think I need my head examined for being with such a inhuman dirtbag….lol. Not funny but better to laugh than cry.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Audbug!

      I am not a medical expert, far from it, but there is an actual physical reason why they exert such control over us. We are addicts. We are addicted to the way they made us feel in the love bombing stage. It was so over the top, we felt so loved that certain chemicals were produced in our brains, the same ones that form when a person develops a drug addiction. We learned to only “feel” good when it was associated w/ them because they are the ones that could top off these chemicals. That is why the silent treatment, the disappearing acts, hurt so much, in their absence the chemical is not being produced, we feel like shit because we are going thru withdrawal need having our drug taken away. That is why we were willing to believe all their lies ( or pretend to ) and apologize for things we never should have, we wanted to feel that high again. Yt’s why so many women go back a 2nd , 3rd , 5th time. They want to feel good, even though they KNOW the N is bad for them, will hurt them, maybe destroy them. That is why NC is really the only way to get well. To feel better. The chemicals even out and we begin to be able to “feel” happy about normal little things , the chemicals go back to being produced in normal amount. But like an alcoholic or drug addict that are one drink or one hit away from being hooked again, we are one call, one text away from going back. In AA recovering Alcoholics are told they HAVE to change ppl, places and things to stay sober. We need to follow the same advice 🙂

      Hope you are doing ok,


      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey Ellie,
        My goodness you make so much sense in what you said!! I DO sometimes still yearn for that same attention and feeling of love and security that is gone now. He is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde. It use to really confuse me but I am not confused now by his personality disorder. It still HURTS though, just not as much, thank goodness I have figured his crazy ass out. And it is Crazy behavior….makes no sense which tells me he does not have good sense.

        I need to get the lead out. I just dread the process soo much. I have MS and I do feel like crap a whole lot and my energy doesnt last long especially in this hot weather. I’m going to have to bite the bullet so to speak. I feel like he is always trying to set me up to look like I am not disabled from the ms so he can say in court that there is nothing wrong with me and so therefore he doesnt owe me any kind of support. After 20 years of marriage, that is NOT a normal way of thinking. All he thinks about is himself! He just wants to make sure he lives in comfort and to hell with me and our son. He is heartless and souless.
        I never dreamed he didnt have his familys best interests at heart. Boy, did he fool me! Within 2 yrs of me getting sick, his whole attitude changed towards me. He even told me one night while he was drunk that he doesnt want anything to do with the ms, he said he doesnt want to be involved with it because he doesnt know what is going to happen to me with it. How selfish is that?!? Of course he denied saying that to me when I brought it up later. What kind of man would even think of being like that? Most men wouldnt dream of being that way he is. When I started looking up his horrible behavior, thats when I learned about narcissim.
        So for the long rant.


        1. It is natural to miss the affection and the closeness you once had with the N, they are like two different people. Like you met a guy and then someone else took over his mind. When someone changes that drastically it is hard to think of them as the same person. It is like they have split personality, I remember thinking JC had two personalities, I could visualize the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other one and him having this battle between the two. I had a hell of a time accepting that he was one person and the evil was at his core and not the good. there was no battle going on at all, the good JC was just an act. Even now I have to remind myself that there was no good JC ever, it was just an act. It’s hard because you believed it to be true, and you loved him. It wasn’t all bad though, there were good times and we are going to miss those good times. the good times were so memorable because they were SO good and few so we clung to them.


    2. audbug, it is human nature to want to be liked, no one can stand rejection and the N is a master at rejection which keeps us on tender hooks.
      Even in everyday life with “normal” people it is common that if you reject a person they will try harder to make you like them. It is just a natural instinct and it is in all the dating “How to” books, if a guy wants a girl he has a better chance of getting her if he rejects her or appears uninterested.
      they do it so subtly that we don’t pick up on it at first, even after we really don’t want them back we still want him to like us, it shouldn’t matter, we know that, but it is just nature. You get over it eventually but it takes a long time. It doesn’t have to be a narcissist, it can be a girl friend or some other person you know and you might not even like them but it is still going to hurt if they reject you. It is just amplified with an narcissist because we were led to believe we were the love of their life and they were our soul mate, for them to disapprove of us is going to hurt.


      1. Master of rejection is right!

        I can remember him giving some neighbors and visitors the cold shoulder for no reason that I could see. He would embarrass me the way he’d sit in his chair and stare at the tv and not join in the conversation, etc. I would ask him why did you ignore such and such like that? He’d say I dont want them around and he’d been “friends” with them for years! Now he treats me like that and our 20 yr old son too. Weird!


        1. Audbug, that is so them. JC would invite people over, people I didn’t even know and then he would bugger off and be on the computer or in his shop, one time he took off on his motorcycle while we were all having desert and coffee by the fire. Never said he was going anywhere, we just heard the bike start and drive off. the woman said, “Was that JC leaving?” I said I thought so. She said, “YOu can tell him for me that he is fucking rude.”
          I don’t know what he ended up telling them but a week later he was going over to their place without me and would visit them all the time by himself. eventually the friendship ended when he screwed the guy on a deal.
          When they are in the discard phase they treat you like they loath you, that you are the biggest inconvenience in their life. Like they hate the fact that you are breathing their air. Nothing weird about it if you are with an N.


          1. I’m thinking JC probably put the blame on you for leaving like he did when his friends were there. He probably made something up so they wouldnt be upset with him. I know how those jerks operate!

            You are right, Carrie, when they are in the discard phase they do act like they loathe you and I’ve been made to feel like I am a HUGE inconvenience and I am standing in his way. HE makes me feel like I am holding him back. He just wants to move on to his next target/victim.
            I havent slept with him in 18 mos. I moved into the back bedroom. Thinking about sleeping with him in any way makes me cringe….I respect myself too much to lay down with him. We had a great sex life for many years but its dead now. Thanks to his abusive ways and games.
            OH and I want to add that a month ago he lost his great paying job due to doing away with that part of the business and he was given another job with the same company, only now he makes 40% less than he did. Talk about Narcisstic Injury! Ha!


  6. I definitely agree with the concept of being thankful. Learning to actually be thankful for my abusers because they were the ones that showed me the path to healing was certainly a major milestone in my recovery. Now there is nothing they can do or say that might affect me.

    I’m not surprised that you are being stalked by JC on your blog. My N’s are constantly seeking information to be used again me. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since my relationship with them ended, they still carry an incredible amount of disdain for me and are still looking for ways to get back at me or smear me. One thing I’ve learned about my N’s is that they never get over anything, and they must win at all costs. It’s part of the zero sum game that all N’s play. Someone must win, and someone must lose, and they can’t possibly face the humiliation if they lose, so they must win. Everything is a game. The best approach I’ve found is to literally drop the rope in the tug of war with an N. Refuse to play their games.


    1. Stephen, You are right on all counts. i may have been sarcastic when I did the post but I truly am thankful for the experience and wouldn’t change it now. I couldn’t have said that a year ago. And we are all a product of our past to some degree, and I have grown so much the past 3 years, I would not want to go back. I can be thankful a lot easier than I can forgive. I forgive myself which was very hard to do but I have not forgiven him and am not too concerned about it either. People say you have to forgive to truly heal and I don’t believe that. My first husband and I had issues I was very upset about, I mean I had a reason for leaving him and a lot of it came from him being an alcoholic. I forgave him a long time ago because he changed his life, he has been sober for over 20 years and been in a relationship almost as long; I respect him for that and I forgive him for anything he ever did to hurt me because I can see he has changed and whether he asked for my forgiveness or not I would have forgiven him.
      In most relationships, people are hurt and angry when they first split but with a little time they get over it, and most people can split without wanting to destroy the other person but it is not possible with an N. You are right, life is a game to them and they must win at all costs. Like the post I did on the Narcissist Game.
      I have thought about closing the blog because of him but I can’t and to know he lurks around here pisses me off but that is all it does, he annoys me. but then I thought, maybe it isn’t him, maybe it is the new woman because the posts they have read several times were the ones talking about the new woman, warning to women, that kind of thing. I know I shouldn’t even mention he has been in but sometimes my temper or attitude gets the better of me. I know he thought I would shrivel up and die, I was always such a strong woman and didn’t take shit from no one and no one ever kept me down and after he was done with me I was a blob on the floor and I am sure he thought I would never be able to heal, then he found out about my new job and I was doing well and he tried to destroy that. His last ex spent the rest of her life trying to figure out what he was doing and warn all the women he got with after her. that was her whole life and drinking herself to death. I won’t give him the satisfaction so I bite the bait once in a while. I should know better.


      1. Hi Carrie!

        First of all, please don’t ever quit your blog. It’s a great resource for so many people. Even if you take a break or don’t post as often, leave it up. Quitting just means JC wins.

        I understand the frustration of being trolled by JC or maybe his new woman. So what? The fact that he feels the need to troll your blog says that you are hitting a little too close to home for his liking. If you had a blog about pruning house plants, he’d probably ignore it. But since your blog exposes him, he HAS to know what is being said. N’s hate to be exposed. Any attempt to remove their mask sends them into a rage. Any attempt to expose them sends them into smear mode so everyone can “get the story straight”. It’s part of their nature, it’s common to all N’s, and it will never change.

        There is much discussion on many N blogs and elsewhere about forgiveness. If you have ever read Susan Forward’s Toxic Parents, she goes deeply into the need to forgive. Personally, I feel forgiveness should be left entirely up to the victim. If it helps the victim to forgive their abuser, then perhaps that is a good path to take. If forgiving their abuser means that the abuser is getting away with their abuse in the victim’s eyes, then don’t forgive. I have taken the approach that I am able to empathize with the abuser. Most abusive people have had horrible lives, and truly don’t know any better. They perpetuate their learned behavior onto others in the form of abuse. That being said, they are still responsible for their behavior. Just because they were raised in an abusive situation doesn’t give them the right to abuse others. Many many people have been raised in abusive environments or been exposed to those environments and never went on to abuse others. The abuser makes the choice to abuse. It’s a choice I can’t forgive.

        Another side to the forgiveness piece is that I feel a person should be forgiven when they are actually contrite and seeking forgiveness or, at a minimum, have made huge changes. Being contrite is not a trait that an abusive person can utilize, since it’s not part of their makeup. Any apology or request for forgiveness from an abusive person is all about control. They want to get you back. They want to get you to overlook their horrible behavior. They have an ulterior motive with their apology and their apology is never genuine.

        I think many victims of abuse have no idea what I sincere apology looks like or sounds like. I know I never did. I just look for words like “apologize” and “sorry” and never tried to assess the context in which those words were said. An abuse victim may hear many many “apologies” over the years, but none of them were truly sincere. It makes the whole process very confusing for someone that is the victim of abuse, since they don’t even know what a sincere apology looks like. I recently had a woman who had an NPD ex say that she didn’t ever want to hear the word “sorry” again from a man. I told her that all men aren’t like that, and a good man is capable of apologizing and meaning it. She is projecting her past relationship onto her new relationships. I know I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman where my apology would never be accepted. I’m not perfect and sometimes I will need to apologize.

        Another aspect to apologizing is that many abusers love to apologize with “I’m sorry, but…”. i.e.. “I’m sorry I cheated on you, but you hadn’t slept with me in two weeks, so I had no other choice”. It’s a method to rewrite history and place the blame for the recent rupture back onto your shoulders. My family often used this approach to apologies. “I’m sorry, but… ” means I feel justified in my behavior and I’m not really sorry.

        You have great blog, Carrie! Keep on keepin’ on!

        Stephen Bach


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