I have been really busy lately and I want to fill every one in because I am so excited but I also checked my tracking device that I have on this blog and “he” still lurks. Obviously his declaration that he was “done”,”fini” , “She is dead to me” was a lie like every other promise he made. I am a little confused because to quote his blog;
“Anyhow….I am so far past all of this that it makes me sick to even go back and roll around in the mud…which is what discussing anything to do with her feels like. I am done. Nowhere, anywhere, will it be found where I discuss, mention, or even hint to, CR. I was done back in 2010, and the best thing I ever did was to extricate myself from that dysfunctional, and poisonous relationship. It took a long time to be totally rid of her, and she keeps rearing her ugly head from time to time…..but to no avail. She has no emotional relationship with me. She does not exist to me anymore.
For the first time in my life I am looking forward to a future, with my sweetie, instead of just surviving every day, not knowing what crisis was coming, while throwing my time, finances, and affections, into a black hole. (which sums up my 10 years with CR)
So live long and prosper.
There will not be an addendum to this post.
This is the end.”
That post is dated July 2013 and has been changed since it was originally posted, it is much kinder than the first post he did. But back to what confuses me; my “ugly” head has not reared itself since I emailed him asking him to please leave me alone and telling him I could not be his friend and I didn’t think it was fair to M that he wanted to make me a success like him. Even though I could park myself right in front of his house or take the job posting I saw in the paper looking for a domestic abuse counselor in the town he resides, I wouldn’t do it. (just like he said he could go for propane and didn’t say he would). I have refrained from calling his home, mailing his home, or slandering his company, because I prefer to get on with my life and I am quite happy to let him move on to another
victim love of his life.
I have another ex who visits this blog, Stan, who I was married to prior to meeting JC. It’s strange how Stan can leave a comment and it warms my heart, I know he means me no harm and he visits here because he has a genuine hope that I am doing well and is interested in my life for positive reasons. It is possible to separate from someone you loved and not hate them or want ill to come to them. It is possible for an ex to care about you and not have any desire to bring you harm. It is possible to check up on someone with the purest of intentions and it is not “stalking”.
I think it is possible for two people to have loved each other and split up without hating each other. I have remained “friends” with most of my ex’s, I remained friends with Kris’s father for years after we split, until his new woman was extremely jealous of our friendship and he had to end the friendship or lose her, I understood when he chose her over me. So when a few weeks ago Stan left a comment on one of my posts my first thought was not “what is he up to?” , instead it reinforced that I am not a paranoid bitch like JC would like me and others to believe;
I have reason to believe JC lurks because he is looking for information by which to cause harm to me in some way. It is a strange feeling to know that someone hates you to the degree that they would want to destroy any hope of you having a comfortable and happy future. It hurts. I know I am a good person and I only ever had JC’s best interests at heart and the only times I ever did anything that might have “hurt” him was when I stood up for myself and protected my interests when he had put me in a position of danger. It boggles my mind that a person can think it was vindictive of you to protect yourself and your future, they seem to think that once they are done with you they should be allowed to destroy your reputation and any hope of making money or recouping some sort of security for your future and you are not allowed to protect yourself.
What sort of “human” is that vindictive? A sick human, that’s who. THAT makes me sad, when you face that kind of evil you can’t help but feel like “what is the point?” When evil like that exists what hope do the rest of us have? When you do something bad against someone you expect consequences but when you only ever loved someone and they want to harm you it is confusing, it is so totally contradictory to anything we have been taught we can’t process it and thus, why we stay and ignore the danger. The healthy human mind can not comprehend that kind of evil and so we deny it exists. To think that I have to give up any hope of success or happiness in the future because JC will destroy it is maddening and soul-destroying. I still get this urge to “just talk to him” to dispel the paranoia in his mind that makes him jeopardize his new relationship by staying up all night checking my activities. I feel like saying, “Ok, you had your fun, you fucked up a lot in my life, it was very tricky of you to put a GPS on my truck and how clever of you to tap into my phone and access my voice mails and texts. How brilliant of you to call where I worked and tell lies about me, you deserve the “vindictive ex award of excellence!” once again you are the best. You win! you showed me.
Then I thought maybe he isn’t lurking in hopes of harming me, maybe he is feeling so guilty about the horrible things he did that he is checking to make sure I am ok.
In that case, it’s endearing that JC feels so guilty about what he did to me that he is obsessed about finding out if i am ok and I would like to reassure him I am doing very well thank you and you can move on now. I would hate you to lose the best thing that ever happened to you, your soul mate, the love of your life, because you were up on the computer making sure I am ok. I want to assure you that you have done more for me than any other man in my life, because of you I have found an inner peace and serenity that I never thought possible. I like myself better than I ever have and I have never been more optimistic about the future than I am right now and I have you to thank for that but I really think you have to get a life now.
My life is pretty boring compared to the life I led with you. My vehicle never breaks down, in fact I haven’t sat on the side of road waiting to be rescued since, well…….lets see………..not since the last time you fucked with my truck. mmm what a coincidence!
I had to put Kato down as you know, your lack of concern about that warmed my heart but I am happy to inform you that even though I cried everyday for months my loving son (you remember the one, the young man you tried to turn against his mother, the young man you attacked because he tried to defend his mother) sent me a puppy at Christmas and although Kato was my little buddy, Stella has won my heart and is such a great companion and so easy to care for.
I have volunteered to help maintain the gardens in the resort here (as you know I love to garden and I love to be part of a caring community) and was watering last night and stella was such a well-behaved sweetheart, just laying where I told her while I watered. Little Pat came over to say hi and ask how I am doing, Terry, Marleen, Doris, and a few others you don’t know, everyone loves her and we are both fast becoming part of a great little community of people who watch out for their neighbors and work together to create a beautiful place to live.
As you know I loved this place from the first day I came here and it feels like home to live here. I have you to thank for that also. Had you not gotten the job here I never would have found it. And had you not stolen from the resort, gotten fired and been such an annoyance and disturbance in the park they would not have been so welcoming and supportive of me when I came back. But no, you sacrificed your own good reputation just to make me look good by comparison. You did so many wonderful things for me I can not thank you enough.
I don’t know if you know, but my son has moved back to BC and he and I are as close as ever and he is doing extremely well. He is making excellent money, and has such a flawless reputation as a hard worker who does his job above and beyond any expectations and he is in high demand for his expertise. I could not be prouder and I think he and I are even closer than ever before. Adversity will do that some times, make people appreciate each other more. I guess I have you to thank for that also.
It is amazing how you timed the call with Ccon, as it turned out it was the best thing that could have happened. Unbeknownst to me I was in heart failure at the time and had I been working I would have probably keeled over with a heart attack out on a job somewhere and died. But seeing as I was home I was able to get myself to the hospital in time and you timed it so well that I had just enough hours to get EI sick benefits and got the time I needed to recovery, not only my heart but my soul. That was so thoughtful of you, I was touched by your concern.
But the thing I am most grateful for and the gift few people ever get, is the gift of tearing me to shreds and blaming me for everything, for telling me to kill myself because I was a paranoid bitch who made your life hell for 10 years and that no man would ever want a suicidal, ungrateful bitch like me so I might as well kill myself. That was a profound moment and ingenious of you to think of it! To break me so completely knowing that at that moment I would have to decide to live or die. But of course you knew I would want to live right? Of course. Because you are such an all-knowing and caring person; you were just motivating me to look at myself honestly piece by piece. I marvel at your brilliance because it worked, I had to take all the shards of my soul and put it back together, analyzing every…..single…..part that makes me who I am. Every single thing I did in the relationship and my motives, my deepest wishes and desires. You made me search my soul for any reason that you would hate me so much you would wish me dead by my own hand.
It could have gone terribly wrong but you believed in me, you, when I had no one in my life to encourage me or support me, YOU believed in me and took me to the deepest darkest place a person can go because you knew it would make me a better person in the long run. There are no words for the gratitude I feel for that.
I can thank you for having a lot to do with making my son the man he is today. Most men would try to set an example to a young man without a father active in his life. A “typical” man would try to show an impressionable young man how to treat a woman with respect and how to lead a respectable life but you took it to a new level, you challenged his manhood and mocked him, pushed every single one of his buttons. Somehow you knew that using reverse psychology would work on him and now he is the opposite of everything you ever were and I could not be more proud.
You taught me so much about myself and my values, things I never would have learned had I not met you, I learned that I can survive a life of abject poverty, that I can be stripped of every material possession I have and still be happy and find a reason to live and the strength to keep trying. I discovered that there are only a few things in life that really matter, like my kid, the love and support of the people I love, the loyalty of the people I love and that no amount of money or things give a person pleasure if you don’t have honesty, integrity and people who love you.
Do you remember years ago, we had been together for about a year and you were treating me like I was a one night stand who didn’t know it was time to go home, I was crying, asking if you loved me and you said, “see? its; not so easy to love someone when they don’t love you back” I had wondered what you meant by that but I understand now. No it was not easy to love you for most of the 10 years we were together but I will not regret any of it because it taught me that I have an amazing capacity to love unconditionally. I didn’t love you for what it would get me, there was no reward in loving you, yet i did. No matter what you did to hurt me, or what you took from me I loved you, accepted you as you were, forgave you and gave you 2nd chances over and over again. I didn’t know I had the ability to love like that, I loved you for the pure sake of – I loved loving you.
I just want to let you know; should you come to check on me again;that you really shouldn’t, you have done so much, MORE than you should have, more than any other person would have done and it’s been over 3 years, it is just not right that you are still so concerned for me and making me a better person. I am sure M would like more attention and I hate to deprive her of your unique ability to bring the best out in people. I MUST insist that you focus your attention on the lovely M and give her a lot to be thankful for too. I remember you always said (see I was listening when you talked) I was an ungrateful bitch who didn’t appreciate all you did for me; that I was a black hole that you kept throwing your money, efforts and affection into, never getting anything back. I want to assure you that I am SO fucking grateful, you have no idea. You taught me gratitude like I have never known. No shit really! I have you to thank for the serenity that comes over me ever morning when I wake up and realize the warm body next to me is Stella and I will never have to get up another morning and wonder what the F you were doing all night. I give you my blessings, I truly wish you all the happiness you deserve.