I have not been “here” much lately and I thought I should bring everyone up to speed.
I started a class 2 weeks ago, it is a precursor to getting funding to go back to school and I have really been enjoying it, it is a Life Skills type course and we have done some personality tests, researching your natural abilities and interests etc trying to find a career we are interested in and would be sustainable. I have taken today off from school to deal with some issues and next week is the last week of the course. i hated to take today off but I really have not been well and have to go to the doctor today.
I have been really dizzy lately, like all the time, even when I am sitting down, every time I move my head, I have a hard time focusing when I am painting, my vision keeps blurring every time I move my head. It could be an inner ear thing or it could be my neck is out but I can’t afford to got the the chiropractor and hope it is my ear. It is getting to be quite an annoyance.
My father was taken to the hospital last week with pneumonia, they put him on life support at the end of last week and they took him off life support on Wednesday, he died peacefully at 11 am yesterday morning. I was not able to be there because I didn’t have the money. $610 a month to live on doesn’t give you any extra cash for things like a death in the family. It is a fact of life right now, I just could not be there, my brother and nephew went and my son went to see his grandpa last week and then my brother was by his side when he died. My dad was a very proud man, he never would have wanted to live with tubes running in and out of him, a machine doing his breathing, all the family knew this about him. His wife is not much older than me, actually her and I were friends when I was with Kris’s dad and my mom and dad were still together, and she had the courage to let him go the way he would have wanted to go and didn’t insist on keeping him alive. I give her a lot of credit for that, I was in the position once of having to choose if my husband would want to live attached to machines and I chose that he be unplugged, he rallied and lived. But my dad was too sick to rally and apparently had enough morphine in him to not be in pain and his breathing was so shallow he just stopped breathing.
My dad and I had issues. He was a great dad when I was little, I spent a lot of time with my dad, he was my hero. I remember walking beside him, trying to match my stride with his long legged stride. I remember walking behind him in the bush picking up the empty shell casing when he took me duck shooting. I remember sitting for hours on the banks of the Fraser River with our fishing rods propped up in the “V” of a branch he whittled from a tree. I used to play with the clay along the river, that was when it smelled like clay and wasn’t toxic with pollutants like it is now.
I wrote him a letter a few years ago thanking him for all the good memories from my childhood. You see, once I reached adulthood his and my relationship changed, I won’t go into details but about 20 years ago I stopped talking to him. I wrote the letter a few years ago when I found my grandma’s old house still standing and I started taking Kato for walks in the area and was flooded with fond memories and I thought he should know that I didn’t hate him, that I did have many good memories and that I had learned many positive things from him that I use to this day. We had a lot in common, a love for antiques and fascination for anything old, dad always came home with old artifacts that he found in the bush when he was out hunting. To my mom they were just “dust collectors” but my dad and I viewed them as treasures. I thought he would be interested in the fact that I now take old discarded things and paint them making them useful and treasured again.
He never responded to my letter and then when I had my heart attack he called and we started talking through fb and email. I was going to go to visit him this year, finances willing, with Kristofer, make it a trip to visit my grand daughter and my dad at the same time.
I have very torn feelings right now, I am not sorry I stopped talking to him years ago, it was like a weight off my shoulders for years, it was just so unhealthy for me, every time I saw him I would suffer the effects for weeks after and I knew having no contact was my only option. I just hope he knew that I still have many wonderful memories and I never wished him unhappiness or ill will in any way. I am happy he went quickly and peacefully and I am glad my son and my brother were able to be there before he died. It was especially important to my son to say good bye to his grandpa.
I have also been dealing with some issues close to my heart with my son, that have consumed me lately. I think he has dealt with them effectively but it was a stressful day or two this week with that also.
and In the background is always the lack of money. It seems I can deal with the lack of money most days, but when other things come in to weigh you down the money problem seems more overwhelming. When you can’t be there for your family when a death occurs it drives it home. I haven’t had the money to do laundry for 2 weeks, my car insurance runs out in a couple of weeks and then I will be without a vehicle and no buses run out this far. I try to not think about it and just stay positive but with everything else going on I am feeling burdened right now.
I am sure I will rally next week but I think I need time to myself and to just regroup for a few days, so I am going to try to catch up with replies to comments today and then take a few days away from the blog just to breath and deal with some things.