This is a very interesting article giving advice on what to do if you are considering separating from your husband/wife and aren’t sure what to do. Now keep in mind, this article is written for people who are not in an abusive relationship, most definitely not involved with a narcissist but can prove to be a good tool if you are. I did a similar type of analysis after JC and I split and I was suffering a bad case of “obviously it was my fault, look how happy he is with her”. If you do all the steps recommended in the article, on one piece of paper write how you wish your life to be in the future, on another write the reality of your life now, and then on yet another write what you could do to change the way things are now to the way you would like them to be in a perfect world and yet stay with your N. When I did this I realized I had done more than I was comfortable with already and it had never been enough. I stopped reacting to many of the things that went totally against my principles and values in order to keep the peace. ie: personal ads, staying out all night without even so much as a phone call, I had tried complimenting him and praising him, tried being the dutiful housewife, tried not asking for sex, tried seducing him, I had literally tried everything within my power to do the things he insisted he needed from me in order to be happy and none of them had worked.
Then make up the list of things he would have to do in order to make the relationship work. We all know that the narcissist does not change, can not change but for the sake of the exercise write them down anyway. Most of you probably have had the N promise to do many of the things on your list but never followed through.
By the time you are finished your lists it should be clear to you whether it is in your best interest to stay or leave.
I am leaving out the part where you talk to your spouse about what you have discovered and the part about counselling because I know that if you are with an N either of those options are going to get you no where, but feel free to give it a shot if you still believe your N can or will change.
Most people in abusive relationships no what they have to do but have a hard time taking off the rose colored glasses and accepting reality, perhaps this exercise will force the undecided to realize they have done all they can and it is time to cut their losses, start the healing process, go no contact and know that leaving is the only option if they are to ever be happy and self fulfilled again in their life.
After a week of fine tuning my book and finally pressing send on the email to my editor “Splitsville- How to separate, stay out of Court and stay friends”- is almost here so I decided I might share with you an extract-
From Chapter 2 – WHERE DO I BEGIN? – THE BIG DECISION TO SEPARATE
I often recommend this simple exercise for clients who are contemplating separation as a way to really consider and balance the implications, advantages and disadvantages of the choice they are about to make.
‘Perfect world and Reality’
Find yourself somewhere alone where you can have space in your mind to really think. Take a pen and paper and try and imagine just how you would like your life to be after your separation – you could choose a single imaginary day in your future life or perhaps a…
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