What I Still Struggle With – His Hate

keep calmI basically feel healed, as healed as any one can after being with a narcissist, I have said it before; to expect to go back to the way you were prior to meeting the narcissist is unrealistic, I think you can be better, more self-aware, more in tune with others in your life and more appreciative of what you have and the simple things in life, but you never get that naivety back, that carefree optimism; you now know that evil exists beyond the movie screen or the 6 o’clock news. We now know someone who could be ” that guy that killed that girl “. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to have this knowledge, no body wants to know that kind of evil, it alters how a person views life. I still have a hard time truly accepting the cold hard truth and every once in a while it catches me off guard. Yesterday was one of those days.

I was driving along, worried about money, per usual; every over pass I drove under I saw evidence of homeless people and I realized how close to being homeless I am. I miss my truck so much, I was always able to come up with $100-$200 any day, I know it would probably hasten my death because I can’t do that kind of work any more but some times I would rather die younger because I was working and able to live a life worth living than to live longer and not have the money to live comfortably. If you are living under an over pass life must seem interminably long any way.

I tell myself that my  heart condition makes it impossible for me to do that kind of work and ultimately it is not his doing; but James didn’t know I had a heart condition when he started his mission to destroy my business. When I face the cold hard facts I have to admit that he did not end the relationship until he was confident he had destroyed my truck and I had spent every dime and used up all my credit. Even when I managed to get more credit and find a place to live he stayed in close enough contact to kick my feet out from under me anytime I was able to get back up. But he really had no idea who he was dealing with, I was not giving up that easily and traded my broken down F550 for a much older, much smaller 1 ton with a box on the back, no crane, no winch, but I was still in business. He saw me driving in Surrey shortly after I got the truck and called me. “Nice truck” was all he said.

I paid back his step dad $500 of what I owed him for money he had lent me for truck repairs. I took a picture of my new truck, blew it up to 8×10 and cut a slit in the box of the truck and stuck 5 $100 bills in it and then framed it and gave it to his step dad. Shortly after James called me and said “Good one. Al was really impressed.” For some reason I took it as, “Good one, that’s one for you, but I will win this battle.” Like I did it to make him look bad or something.

After my first heart attack he had come to me crying saying he had thought I would die before he had a chance to apologize., It was a grand performance on his part but one that I saw through, even though I was still in denial at that point and lied to myself. He kept coming over and wanting to “help” me be a success like him and I stupidly took him up on an offer to do an oil change on my truck. (now keep in mind we had not been split that long at this time and I was still firmly planted in denial and illusion). During this oil change he had asked me for a specific wrench, I believe it was a 5/16th, I dug one out and handed it to him and he had me get in the truck and start it. I felt that in my gut feeling that he was up to something and ignored it. When my truck didn’t start I felt panic welling up inside and asked him what he had done, an oil change shouldn’t affect whether the truck starts or not. He said he didn’t know what he had done but then he got it going and I thought I was just being overly suspicious. The next day my truck died on the freeway going home. I called him, no answer. I called a friend and he came out. We popped the hood and he said, ‘Who’s been fucking with your truck?” I asked why and he asked for a 5/16th wench; my gut lurched; I found it easily, after all I had just found it for James the day before. Gord, my friend showed me a bolt, I am not sure what the part was but this bolt had something to do with the fuel getting through and it was so loose it was a miracle it had not come off; if it had it would have fallen in the engine and destroyed it.

Even with that event, I refused to admit it, I knew it, but to fully absorb the fact that he hated me THAT much seemed impossible to accept.  I have forced myself to act as if I believe and stay no contact and not allow him into my life in any way because I could no longer justify to others why I kept allowing myself to be victimized by this man who obviously had a vendetta against me. When he called me that morning in 2012 and I returned the call not knowing it was his number and got his voice mail I knew he was up to something. When the mechanic at work found the tracking device on my truck, I knew who was responsible but I still could not accept it. I pretend and I act like I know he wants to destroy me, all the facts add up to a concentrated effort on his part to destroy me and keep me down.

I accept he screwed around, I accept he hit me and emotionally abused me, financially abused me, I can accept all the abuse from when we were together, I understand that he never loved me, that I filled a role or need for him at various times through a 10 year period. The thing that amazes me and catches me off guard every once in a while is the knowledge that he wants to see me homeless and destitute or dead because I took my life out of despair. I say it all the time; it is useless to try to figure out why they do what they do. More than just a few times I have thought of shutting the blog down in hopes he would back off, give up his vigilante against me. But then I remember he started this mission to destroy me long before I had the blog, he came back with the intent to destroy me and it must have pissed him off I was able to keep coming back no matter what he threw my way. As far as he knew, I was going to end up living under and over pass or killing myself because I would be so broken. And that was long before the blog.

I can’t even identify the feels I have about that. I think about these people you read about who find out their husband or wife was plotting their murder in order to reap the life insurance money. Only this time there isn’t even life insurance money, there is no other reward for his efforts except to see me broken. And that is the one thing that I still have trouble with and of anyone, I know better than to waste any time thinking about it. I tell myself, “You will never understand it Carrie, accept it and move on.”

I do accept he never loved me, that is pretty obvious because if you ever loved someone you could never wish them this kind of harm. There is this part of me that I see so often in other victim’s “I loved him unconditionally, I gave up so much for him/her, how can he do this to me?” and I say, “You just have to accept that they are narcissists and that is the only reason you will ever get.”  Even with everything he did to me I can’t feel that kind of hatred towards him. There is more than cognitive dissonance at play, more than mental abuse, or brain washing; it is a phenomenon of the human mind, something 96% of the population is born with; an inability to ever be that heartless or that lacking in empathy, or compassion. Which works in the favor of the narcissist, allowing him to continue selfishly devour everything in his path leaving destruction in his wake. Thank God that only 4% of the population are narcissists and the rest of us can’t grasp the depth of their evilness to save our lives. literally.   But it does scare me that 4% can’t possibly be accurate seeing as they don’t usually get diagnosed until they commit a heinous crime.

I do think that if we are going to put an end to domestic abuse we need as many victims as possible to speak out, to save the potential victims coming behind us. it is the only way to change society’s views of abuse. Yes victims need to look within to protect themselves, but if we are to protect future generations we have to talk openly and honestly about the narcissists, psychopaths and sociopathic that live among us.

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20 thoughts on “What I Still Struggle With – His Hate

  1. I accept all those things too. I really do. What I can not shake is that feeling of impending doom every time something happens beyond my control. The left overs. To live with an N for many years leaves you with this constant feeling some thing bad is eventually going to happen, no matter you got out from under them. No matter you didn’t fold, you went on, made a life for yourself, did well, very well considering what you had to deal with then. The feeling you MUST have done something wrong when something goes wrong unexpectedly. And that it will have terrible consequences. I have been gone man years and days like today it is still there. Oh not as bad, I can do self talk and get myself down off the ledge and deal. And pray. But I was never like this before the xnh. As I said leftovers. Scars. They may heal but never fully go away.

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    1. ellie2013, I hear you. I too battle these feelings of impending doom. I believe it is part and parcel of PTSD – a result of living with someone who keeps you guessing, worrying and wondering. I tell myself that every time I have a good day or moment, it is a victory over him. I see scars as something that, as you say, heal, but are always there. The scars ache and are very visible once in awhile, but then they also serve to remind me not to let him or anyone like him back into my life. I wish you more days of full feasts and not leftovers.

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      1. Thanks Denny!

        Your comment was much appreciated 🙂 I think I am healed as much as I will ever be. HE is rarely ever in my thoughts, hasn’t been for years. My coping mechanisms were broken after the years with him, I think. As you say PTSD. It extends to all areas of your life, after. Will always be there, I think. He left his mark for sure.

        x hug x
        Eliie

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        1. You are most welcome Ellie. Hugs to you too! It is thru forums like this one that I have found strength along with knowing that I am not alone in this. Carrie and all her followers help me believe that I truly was not crazy, just lost. I have now found the right path and intend to continue to follow it. I also strongly believe that speaking out and educating others is the only way to bring new light to these types of people. Alcoholism was once never talked about but when people started talking and sharing, much more was understood. While I don’t believe N’s can ever be truly healed or helped (their narcissism stands in the way), I do believe that helping people identify them before they can do more harm helps immensely. Shared pain is better than bearing the pain alone.

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            1. Ellie and Denny, I too really suffered with feelings of impending doom for a long time and still have bouts of it. It can be debilitating but have learned to talk myself through it. They just bring so much negativity into a person’s life and they work behind the scenes to destroy any good that comes into a person’s life you just stop trusting that anything good will ever happen to you again. While with them, if they were nice there was always a price to be paid for it later, we got accustomed to bracing ourselves for the inevitable shoe to drop.
              I still catch myself when something good happens in my life being afraid to say anything to any one for fear it will get taken away.
              God they are evil and cancerous to a person’s soul.

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  2. On Christmas Eve, when my abuser walked out on me and the two little kids because he wasn’t the center of attention (I was 3 days out of back surgery), I couldn’t understand how someone’s hate could be stronger than love….I didn’t care that he apparently hated me…that had been noted long before, but these were his kids…didn’t he love them more? I am glad that I do not understand that…even being highly sensitive and empathic, I just don’t get it….

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    1. Army of Angels, I don’t get it either and I am glad I don’t and it gives me faith in mankind that people like you don’t get it either. It is a sad state of affairs when people can act like they do and it is accepted. it is so sad but they love no one, not their own children, no one. In an N’s mind the children take attention away from them. The only time they like to be a parent and will act like they love their children is when being a loving parent will benefit them in some way.
      Three days after back surgery, at Christmas, could he be more cruel and selfish?? Not bloody likely, that pretty much tops the cake.
      Hugs
      carrie

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  3. A lot of times I feel like a shattered window that I’m trying to put back together with scotch tape. These kind of blogs are a ray of sanity 🙂

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    1. Gabrielle, thank you for the very apt description of how it feels after being with a narcissist. I would sit there for hours, days, doing nothing and thinking that my soul was laying at my feet in a million pieces and I didn’t have a clue how to put it back to together.
      Happy to have provided a little ray of sanity to your day.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. I guess what I am struggling with most right now is the longevity of it all… Of all the upsetting emotions that choose to rear their ugly heads at times when you may in fact have had a better day.. Week etc. I too accept that my N didn’t love me, but some days even knowing what he is doesn’t always stop these somewhat new emotions of feeling more heightened with experiencing, but for me not always in a good way. Like others have said, I find myself being more paranoid of other’s perceptions of me, including my own of myself. My new job is good, but I don’t feel that I’m “me” anymore; the person I was before I met him. That makes me sad because I was much more able in the past to “get up and go”. But then in time am hoping that will return to some extent. Unfortunately I associate a lot of my new job with him. I did in part pick it as it was halfway between the location of where I was living with him and another city (where I now live) that my brothers and friends live in. So that if things went sour which they obviously did, that I’d be in a better position to still have a job. Of course I am grateful and blessed to be earning. But have since looked into a job in the city I live in now as current post seems too raw, too close to my life that I had with him. The job itself is good, but not quite what I had expected. I “accepted” so much of my N’s behaviour that I could almost glorify other things as a result. Hard to explain, but I guess I built up that the school job would be so amazing, that everything would finally fall into place. So yes, perhaps I figured somewhat foolishly that it was almost going to make things better with him.. Or that my life deserved to get better in one avenue or another? I am a very optimistic person, or at least used to be. I tend to view life on the good flip side of the coin rather than the bad. But unfortunately that’s what happened with him in a way.. I kept trying to excuse his behaviour, hoping it would all be what had been presented to me in the beginning when I found this job advertised months ago. The situation with him obviously got worse and I couldn’t fight it all anymore. Now I’m struggling somewhat with what I really want with my life. I am genuinely so much happier though. It has only been just over a month since all these changes came about, so I know not to rush anything. Best to take each day as it comes. And yes Carrie, I think expecting for things to be what they were before dating a narcissist is unrealistic. But then despite my ramblings about job, I do feel better than before I met him with some things. My confidence to get a flat on my own for example. Your blog has saved me from many more years of pain. But also truly helps my healing and self-awareness. There would never be enough words to thank you. X x x x 🙂

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    1. Tifa, you have done extremely well! and getting your own flat is a huge accomplishment. I can relate to everything you said. I had horrible self doubt for a long time after leaving James. I was always afraid people would like me at first but eventually they would discover what ever it was that James discovered about me that made him hate me. He always told me I had some horrible flaw that he had thought he could live with and I had a warped sense of reality but he never told me exactly what it was that was so warped or what huge flaw I had. Just that he couldn’t live with it any more.
      I am much better than I was but will still have times of self doubt and have to self counsel and step myself through it.
      James used to say I was so negative but I was much like you, I always made the best of a bad situation. I would adapt my plans or goals to suit whatever situation he put us in. Adaptability is a great trait to have but it can keep a person in a bad relationship too long.
      Try to relax and not decide what you want right now, just let life happen and see where it takes you, (within reason LOL) Sometimes if you don’t know what to do, if you wait, something perfect will fall in your lap.
      The more good things that come your way the more your optimism will come back and the longer the N is out of your life that more good things will come into your life. It builds on itself, just wait and see!
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Hi Carrie,
    just want to let you know I received your reply and so happy to help you by putting together a testimonial as you have helped me so much and it would be an honor to give back. I have started work this week (ahh) full on, so will work on it over the weekend. Carrie, my x is a vindictive narcissist also. He would offer help, I would accept it and at the final hour the rug would get pulled from beneath leaving me in an even worse position. It took me time to work this out as NOT NORMAL. Honestly, we should never feel that bad about ourselves for staying too long, that’s how long it took for each of us to work these ‘people’ out. ( They have a thing called NO RULES) I have been stalked by my x lately through e-mail and no id phone calls. In the little contact I have had he has tried his best to get me in for a 7th or possibly 8th time. My reply has always been no. So, last night an email entitled final contact, the content, yes I had another woman when I was contacting you. She has told me over the weekend she loves me. She is blonde has a great body ( I’m size 8 and pretty fit so I don’t know how he’s going to get to me there) and is a real girl ( I am a tom boy, feminine but will do men’s work and don’t always paint my nails!) what is men’s work anyway really. They have to seem to ‘strong’ these poor little narcissists ( they are not) Poor woman doesn’t know if I gave him the nod he would have left her in the dust. ( Not ego for me I promise, more I know that he cares about no one and if I had of said come and see me, he would have lied to her, possibly would have her as back up) They like who they know. Mine has faulse hair (wig) , looks so different and so convincing, took him a year to reveal. ( i didn’t know, when I found out it was a shock but saw the person or so I thought. So then to me it was just cosmetics and I felt for him that he thought he had to hide himself. He would be hiding this from her right now. Massive ego thing for him) That’s how much he cares for her feelings. He continues, she is cooking for my family tomorrow night and this weekend I am meeting her family. Another hit, because of his crap with his x wife (probably his doing) he destroyed the once good relationship I had with his family.Through texts to my family, they had no interest in spending time with him, not forgetting the fact that he physically abused me a great deal. I have my own unit now, a bonus, no fridge, no couch, a make shift bed…I’m trying to see the positives, get’s me down for a second, then I pull myself out of it. I WILL succeed. He did this to me, I had good money in the bank before I met him. Won’t tell you how it went, you could probably make a good guess. Moral to my story…don’t go back when it gets hard, don’t go back because he ‘may’ have another woman, or he ‘may’ be so happy without you. I went back because it was so hard to start again, I took the easier way, or so I thought. It wasn’t, I just had to go through the same crap again but so much worse, They can sound loving, but their intentions are the very opposite. We have quite alot of domestic abuse incidences here in Australia that the world may not hear about. Last was a mother who reported her x’s stalking and behavior to the police many times, due to lack of support, her x turned up at their son’s footy game and killed the boy. She remembers him telling her I will make you suffer for the rest of your life. Another recent trial from an ‘incident’ 2 years ago. Nice suburb in Brisbane, wife with 3 beautiful girls, a husband who was egotistical, arrogant and cheated on her repeatedly, there was abuse also. Recent affair with latest work colleague for 2 years, they went walking one morning and he pushed her off a bridge into a creek. Left her body there. Killed his daughters mother, Just been convicted for 15 years.
    It’s unfortunately so prevalent.

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    1. Ness, I am confused I think, why is she cooking for YOUR family? and why are you going to meet her family? I don’t understand that. Maybe I misread it?
      Those are horrible incidents of abuse you talked about but we get just as many up in Canada I am sure it just does not make the news world wide. The whole world is having an epidemic of domestic homicides. It seems the incidents of reported abuse are down but murders are up. I think we are at the thresh-hold of a break through, or I certainly hope so. Just down the road from me a woman was found dead outside her home, no sign of forced entry, blood every where, her ex was arrested. In a small town not far from me a mom had to leave her kids with her psycho ex, court ordered visitation. He came to her house and she went away for the weekend. She came home and found all 4 of her children dead in their beds.
      Just last month in my town a guy came to his ex’s house, stabbed her and stole the baby, they caught him and she is ok. Also in another nearby town a man broke into his ex’s house, set it on fire and tried to kill her. Their daughter woke up and went to tell her mom the house was on fire and found her dad trying to kill her mom.
      She tried to stop him and got injured but they all managed to get out of the house and to the safety of a neighbors. There was a younger little boy that made it out also.
      I could go on and on listing the deaths and missing person’s where the ex spouse is the suspect.
      It is so scary and that is why so many victims don’t say anything also, they just want to be free and safe, not piss him off. But if everyone is silent for fear of retaliation it is only perpetuating the problem.
      many times I have thought about just shutting down the blog and shutting my mouth and maybe James would leave me alone. I would have to go into hiding under an assumed name to get away from him, he is so intent on destroying me, I might as well give him a good battle and if something happens to me at least everyone will know who to suspect. But it is the destruction of a person’s reputation also. We went back in good faith, for whatever reason they had no right to do what they did. I can get really upset thinking about how different things would be if I hadn’t gone back. But what is done is done and wishing won’t change anything and it is just depressing. We have to look to the future and know that a higher power has something wonderful planned for us. You are on your way and once he is totally out of your life you will see that a lot more goodness comes into your life.
      They are just pure evil is all that can be said about it.
      Big Hugs
      Carrie and thank you for the testimonial!

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  6. You have had so much to put up with that I sometimes wonder if the person responsible for distributing ‘difficulties’ in the ‘Hard-Life Department was paying enough attention when they served up your helping, but the way you have battled through them, while trying to help others learn from your history is truly remarkable. I cannot help you, sadly, in any material way, but you always have my admiration

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    1. Peter, Thank you so much, you always put a smile on my face and have always been so supportive, since the first day you happened by my blog. It is people like you who keep me going.
      I do sometimes wonder why I got an extra helping from the shit pile but then I often get seconds on the desserts too so I guess it all even outs in the end.
      Big hugs
      Carrie

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  7. Unless you have been the target of a narc/psycho, it would be so easy to judge, shake an accusing finger and spew a lot of stupid shit venom at you!

    But remembering your childhood, and what you have shared of it, despite the image we have as adult as strong, resourceful women (and we are!), sometimes, we can forget those poor wounded children we once were I can’t do that!

    Maybe we don’t set out to recreate the pain of childhoods, but it certainly seems to leave us still open to the vulnerability of wanting to be taken care of and not having to always be strong, tough and resourceful!

    So these guys come along and tell us everything we want to hear. We know better, and yet, we fall for their siren song! We don’t have to be so strong, tough and resourceful anymore! Ha! Boy did we get fooled!

    Maybe it’s all those fairy tales from childhood of being rescued by the handsome prince. Crap! I’ve fell in it several times in my life, and it’s tough to realize that’s all they are, and not expect them to be true in our adult lives.

    I thank God I had the wherewithal not to move in with my ex. I did allow myself to be more dependent on him than I should have. But he didn’t get the keys to the bank entirely since I kept him at arms length for over a year.

    I kept stalling with excuse after excuse why I couldn’t move in with him right then! At the time it seemed like a tragedy, but somebody or something was looking out for despite my lack good judgment in choosing him for a mate!

    The last few years have been rough. I’ve missed him, but I didn’t let him know that! Don’t ever let these clowns see you cry or your pain!

    The good news is we learn! We do become even stronger and more resourceful! You’ve got a lot the last few years Carrie! There is a strength I see in you that wasn’t there before!

    As my own baby sister has been fighting a heat condition (heart attack followed by heart failure like you)… I worry about her. She’s been out of her meds 3 days now, and has no money, so I’m gonna go get her meds for her, and pay for them myself!

    Together honey, we’re gonna make it, no matter what these malicious clowns do! We’re stronger and better than that! Big hugs GF! Take care of yourself honey! We love you!

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  8. I was struggling with the hatred thing myself these past two days. I’m proud to say I’m six months out and feeling great. I still need to read and write away my feelings to get myself back on track sometimes but its less and less and I’m only getting better and better each day. You post gave me the answer I was looking for. And it also reminded me of a statement my counselor made to me a while back. He said, “You are trying to make sense of insanity…of course you’re frustrated and angry.” Just brings me back to trying to accept it as it is. Stuff that too! Its bad and evil. Even though I’m a better person from my experience. But perhaps I would not have established the belief that the ‘world is unsafe’ is the first place if this sort of evil did not exist. I’m grateful for the life lessons but sometimes I think that surely there could have been a nicer way for the universe to teach it to me. :)))

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  9. I read and read and read everything I can because I feel a need to understand but it just never is going to be understood. So many horrible things they do and say. My ex’s new girlfriend thought it was “funny” that he broke into my house to try and scare me. He has done other things such as putting a gun to my head and choking me, telling me he will kill me. And this is all after I moved out. I filed for an order of protection and the very day it was up he started calling and withholding his number. Then he went and filed for an order of protection against me! So now, it’s off to court again and I almost decided to not go but I can’t bring myself to let him tell his lies and not be there to at least attempt to defend myself. Although sometimes it seems pointless. I asked him why he couldn’t just please leave me alone and his answer was simply “I just can’t ” so I deal with it. I fight everyday to find some peace in my life and try to just keep from breaking completely. Sometimes I just pray to please be able to pick up the pieces and forgive myself for being such a fool for so long. Reading your blog allows me to feel that if you can do this then maybe, just maybe I can too.. Court on July 28 so wish me luck since I can’t afford an attorney I am going in alone and praying I can do this..

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