I basically feel healed, as healed as any one can after being with a narcissist, I have said it before; to expect to go back to the way you were prior to meeting the narcissist is unrealistic, I think you can be better, more self-aware, more in tune with others in your life and more appreciative of what you have and the simple things in life, but you never get that naivety back, that carefree optimism; you now know that evil exists beyond the movie screen or the 6 o’clock news. We now know someone who could be ” that guy that killed that girl “. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to have this knowledge, no body wants to know that kind of evil, it alters how a person views life. I still have a hard time truly accepting the cold hard truth and every once in a while it catches me off guard. Yesterday was one of those days.
I was driving along, worried about money, per usual; every over pass I drove under I saw evidence of homeless people and I realized how close to being homeless I am. I miss my truck so much, I was always able to come up with $100-$200 any day, I know it would probably hasten my death because I can’t do that kind of work any more but some times I would rather die younger because I was working and able to live a life worth living than to live longer and not have the money to live comfortably. If you are living under an over pass life must seem interminably long any way.
I tell myself that my heart condition makes it impossible for me to do that kind of work and ultimately it is not his doing; but James didn’t know I had a heart condition when he started his mission to destroy my business. When I face the cold hard facts I have to admit that he did not end the relationship until he was confident he had destroyed my truck and I had spent every dime and used up all my credit. Even when I managed to get more credit and find a place to live he stayed in close enough contact to kick my feet out from under me anytime I was able to get back up. But he really had no idea who he was dealing with, I was not giving up that easily and traded my broken down F550 for a much older, much smaller 1 ton with a box on the back, no crane, no winch, but I was still in business. He saw me driving in Surrey shortly after I got the truck and called me. “Nice truck” was all he said.
I paid back his step dad $500 of what I owed him for money he had lent me for truck repairs. I took a picture of my new truck, blew it up to 8×10 and cut a slit in the box of the truck and stuck 5 $100 bills in it and then framed it and gave it to his step dad. Shortly after James called me and said “Good one. Al was really impressed.” For some reason I took it as, “Good one, that’s one for you, but I will win this battle.” Like I did it to make him look bad or something.
After my first heart attack he had come to me crying saying he had thought I would die before he had a chance to apologize., It was a grand performance on his part but one that I saw through, even though I was still in denial at that point and lied to myself. He kept coming over and wanting to “help” me be a success like him and I stupidly took him up on an offer to do an oil change on my truck. (now keep in mind we had not been split that long at this time and I was still firmly planted in denial and illusion). During this oil change he had asked me for a specific wrench, I believe it was a 5/16th, I dug one out and handed it to him and he had me get in the truck and start it. I felt that in my gut feeling that he was up to something and ignored it. When my truck didn’t start I felt panic welling up inside and asked him what he had done, an oil change shouldn’t affect whether the truck starts or not. He said he didn’t know what he had done but then he got it going and I thought I was just being overly suspicious. The next day my truck died on the freeway going home. I called him, no answer. I called a friend and he came out. We popped the hood and he said, ‘Who’s been fucking with your truck?” I asked why and he asked for a 5/16th wench; my gut lurched; I found it easily, after all I had just found it for James the day before. Gord, my friend showed me a bolt, I am not sure what the part was but this bolt had something to do with the fuel getting through and it was so loose it was a miracle it had not come off; if it had it would have fallen in the engine and destroyed it.
Even with that event, I refused to admit it, I knew it, but to fully absorb the fact that he hated me THAT much seemed impossible to accept. I have forced myself to act as if I believe and stay no contact and not allow him into my life in any way because I could no longer justify to others why I kept allowing myself to be victimized by this man who obviously had a vendetta against me. When he called me that morning in 2012 and I returned the call not knowing it was his number and got his voice mail I knew he was up to something. When the mechanic at work found the tracking device on my truck, I knew who was responsible but I still could not accept it. I pretend and I act like I know he wants to destroy me, all the facts add up to a concentrated effort on his part to destroy me and keep me down.
I accept he screwed around, I accept he hit me and emotionally abused me, financially abused me, I can accept all the abuse from when we were together, I understand that he never loved me, that I filled a role or need for him at various times through a 10 year period. The thing that amazes me and catches me off guard every once in a while is the knowledge that he wants to see me homeless and destitute or dead because I took my life out of despair. I say it all the time; it is useless to try to figure out why they do what they do. More than just a few times I have thought of shutting the blog down in hopes he would back off, give up his vigilante against me. But then I remember he started this mission to destroy me long before I had the blog, he came back with the intent to destroy me and it must have pissed him off I was able to keep coming back no matter what he threw my way. As far as he knew, I was going to end up living under and over pass or killing myself because I would be so broken. And that was long before the blog.
I can’t even identify the feels I have about that. I think about these people you read about who find out their husband or wife was plotting their murder in order to reap the life insurance money. Only this time there isn’t even life insurance money, there is no other reward for his efforts except to see me broken. And that is the one thing that I still have trouble with and of anyone, I know better than to waste any time thinking about it. I tell myself, “You will never understand it Carrie, accept it and move on.”
I do accept he never loved me, that is pretty obvious because if you ever loved someone you could never wish them this kind of harm. There is this part of me that I see so often in other victim’s “I loved him unconditionally, I gave up so much for him/her, how can he do this to me?” and I say, “You just have to accept that they are narcissists and that is the only reason you will ever get.” Even with everything he did to me I can’t feel that kind of hatred towards him. There is more than cognitive dissonance at play, more than mental abuse, or brain washing; it is a phenomenon of the human mind, something 96% of the population is born with; an inability to ever be that heartless or that lacking in empathy, or compassion. Which works in the favor of the narcissist, allowing him to continue selfishly devour everything in his path leaving destruction in his wake. Thank God that only 4% of the population are narcissists and the rest of us can’t grasp the depth of their evilness to save our lives. literally. But it does scare me that 4% can’t possibly be accurate seeing as they don’t usually get diagnosed until they commit a heinous crime.
I do think that if we are going to put an end to domestic abuse we need as many victims as possible to speak out, to save the potential victims coming behind us. it is the only way to change society’s views of abuse. Yes victims need to look within to protect themselves, but if we are to protect future generations we have to talk openly and honestly about the narcissists, psychopaths and sociopathic that live among us.