Often times a victim of abuse is torn between leaving their abuser and their religious beliefs or they feel pressured by the church to forgive and forget, stay together for the children, they said “til death do us part”
Wasn’t there anything in those vows about fidelity? I don’t recall the vows saying, “you have to stay until death but I get to cheat as much as I want and you have to forgive me because God says so”
Hebrews 13:4 ESV / 41 helpful votes
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
I found this quote today:
Infidelity—the absence of faithfulness—is a major cause of broken relationships, especially marriages. In any close relationship faithfulness and trust are vital. Most marriage ceremonies contain a statement from each party promising to be faithful to the other—often until death. Fulfilling such a promise involves each demonstrating faithfulness to the other by continual, loving actions.
M. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled , concludes that such commitment—such determination to faithfully perform one’s vows, promises and relational responsibilities—is essential in all successful relationships. He writes, “… Commitment is the foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving relationship” (p. 140)
You can read the rest of the post here.
In my mind whether a couple is married or not, if they are having sex and saying they love each other they have made a commitment, but that does provide a loop hole for some people. “I didn’t do anything wrong, we aren’t married”. I did not need a marriage certificate to be committed to James, we had discussed our expectations of the relationship. I told him that I expected honesty above all else, I made it very clear from the beginning that I expected that if I was having sex with a man we would remain monogamous until such time one of us decided it wasn’t working for us. I didn’t have casual sex, he said he didn’t either, I had no fear of pregnancy with a preference for sex without a condom but with std’s that can kill you, we agreed we wouldn’t sleep with anyone else. Fidelity is more than marriage vows, it is trust, it is concern for the safety of your partner, it is having the decency of giving them the option of protecting themselves from diseases you are too stupid to protect yourself from.
I always said to James that him wanting more than one sex partner was not wrong as long as he was honest and respected my right to not want to be with him if he chose to be with more than me. I made it very clear that I expected him to only have sex with me and not break up with me on day so he could screw around and then get back together the next day. My only expectation of him was to be honest with me.
I am not stupid or so naive to believe that just because a man tells me he loves me and will be faithful forever that at some point he won’t change his mind. People fall out of love all the time, people grow apart, goals change, what worked once no longer works. It hurts when the person you love wants out of the relationship but it is a lot easier than finding out by discovering they are being unfaithful.
But the ultimate in cruelty is when one partner insists they are faithful and the other person is just paranoid and then use their suspicions as an excuse for infidelity, “I thought I might as well do it seeing as you kept accusing me.” “If you trusted me I wouldn’t have to cheat” Huh????
To be told if you just, “trusted them”, “changed this or that about yourself.” That they love you and you are crazy to suspect them, “How can you have so little faith in their love?”
And THEN when they are discovered to be screwing around blame the victim for their infidelity and say that they have found their true soul mate and the ex made their life hell the whole time they were together. And THEN come crawling back asking for forgiveness and promising total honesty and fidelity only to do it all over again. I can’t count how many times James had an epiphany, had received a message from God and realized I was the woman he loved. I am surprised he wasn’t struck by lightening right before my eyes.
I just read a post over at Chump Lady’s blog and she provided the link I gave earlier.
What are your thoughts on religion and infidelity? married vows? how has religion affected your decisions with your N?