Narcissist’s get sick satisfaction out of humiliating their victim, especially if they can pull it off without the victim knowing it. Later when the victim does figure it out they are mortified. I have heard stories of unbelievable cruelty and mind-fucking done by the narcissist that proves they do this shit for the sheer pleasure of watching the person suffer.
Have no doubt, it is not that they are just selfish and don’t consider how their actions affect people; that would be almost excusable, I mean after all; if you don’t have the capacity to feel empathy, compassion or remorse; how can you be blamed for hurting someone. Now that there is a campaign on to raise awareness about narcissist I fully expect that we are going to start hearing in court the defense of “I am not responsible for my actions because I am a narcissist, born with a defect, incapable of feeling empathy and know not what I do”.
Let me nip it in the bud now; for when you are feeling sorry for the poor narc who will never feel or be human because he is “disabled” .
The son of a bitch knows EXACTLY how much what he does hurts you. He does it TO hurt you and watch you suffer. It is not that he doesn’t understand that his actions cause pain and destruction. He does it because he knows he is destroying you, that is why he is doing it.
The last six months of the relationship I finally figured out that if James came to bed and made love to me and gave me a nice kiss goodbye in the morning, he would not be home that night. It was like the ultimate ego stroke for him, he knew he was going to screw two women in one day, neither of us knowing about the other one. It literally makes me want to vomit when I think about all the times I greeted him in stockings, garter belt and a trench coat (or some other equally sexy outfit) when he came “home” from a long haul run and we would screw for hours and he had just come from some other woman’s bed. He must have thought he was some kind of Casanova to have me duped into believing he was faithful to me and sleeping with 2 other women. All the times he sat beside me texting some other woman or screwing me, getting out of bed and going on the internet to look for his next conquest.
I remember after we split, he wanted me to insure the car for him again, and my hot water tank where I was living had sprung a leak and I had been showering at the neighbors so he offered I could meet at his place and have a shower before we went to do the insurance. I had hesitated because I didn’t want to be alone with him, it never failed when I had a shower he would want sex. (we always had sex, he just never slept with me or cared about pleasing me sexually but he always got his rocks off the whole 10 years)
I got there and he was dressed really nice, a crisp white shirt, clean jeans, the place was clean (he was a real slob), he had strung indirect lighting under the cupboards, it was obvious he had gone to a lot of effort. He even had Mike’s Hard Lemonaide (it used to be my favorite alcoholic beverage) I thought to myself, “Typical, every time we split he makes an effort, here we go again.” I sat down and there was an open bottle of Mike’s on the table and he said to have it, he had just opened it. He told me he had bought them for me. For some reason I didn’t believe him, I took an unopened bottle and refused to drink the open one. I just had a feeling he had someone else there and they had left it.
He kept saying to have a shower if i wanted so I went in the bathroom and had my shower, knowing what he was up to. I finished my shower and wrapped myself in a towel, I was going to have sex with him if he made a move, I was horny and weak.
On the bed was a man’s house coat, he didn’t own a house coat and I figured he probably bought it for the new women he was planning on bring home. The bed had obviously been slept on by two and then I put the pieces together. He had some other woman there, she drank Mikes, he had screwed her and he wanted me to know it.
He was playing his guitar when I walked out and didn’t even look at me. I wrote him a note.
“I am sick of your fucking head games. I am out of here.”
To be honest I was more angry with myself for getting sucked in again.
He used to call his sister, arrange for her to come visit us from Vancouver; requiring her to take a bus to the sky train, ride the sky train for an hour, get off close to where he worked and he would pick her up from the bus depot when he got off work. More than once she would call to make sure they were still on and he would tell her yep, he would be getting off work at whatever time so she would plan her trip to coincide with his time-table. She would call when she was getting close and he would say he was almost ready to walk out the door and let him know when she arrived. He would even call me to tell me he had invited her to come stay for a few days. She would arrive and call him, no answer. She would call me and I would try to reach him and he wouldn’t answer. She would end up waiting for hours for him to show up and finally get back on the sky train and travel all the way back home because he never showed up. I was stuck at home without a vehicle so was unable to go pick her up.
I finally figured out how she could get a bus within a mile of where we lived and we just eliminated him out of the plan so he couldn’t play that little game any more.
One time he had made love with me in the morning and gave me a really nice kiss good-bye and told me he loved me, he had just “recommitted” to making us work, “til the end,…..if there is an end” whatever than means. About a half hour after he left I received a text message from him, “What’s new pussycat?” He would have just gotten to work and there was a new female salesperson he had told me about that wasn’t his type at all, but he sure talked about her a lot.
All the Christmas’s he made plans to go to his family’s for the holidays and at the last-minute we/he didn’t go, ruining his mom’s Christmas year after year until finally they stopped telling him what they were doing at Christmas and started spending Christmas at one of the kids homes; but it took 10 years of ruined Christmases for them to get to that point.
He was so vindictive and hate filled that he didn’t care what the cost was to himself as long as he could fuck me up; which made it even harder for people to believe me whenever I told someone what was going on. It didn’t make sense.
We had a friend Jim, who took great pleasure in filling me in on everything James was doing, it seemed to me like he enjoyed delivering the bad news and causing trouble between James and me. After we split I told Jim I didn’t want to hear what James was doing and stopped answering the phone when I saw Jim’s number but I did business with him also and sometimes it was unavoidable, I had to talk to Jim. I had said to James many times, “Why do you tell him things when you know he is going to immediately call me and tell me. It didn’t makes sense, not at the time. Now, now that I know what I was dealing with it makes perfect sense, he wanted Jim to tell me, he knew it would gut me. He loved the conflict, my pain, the power of being able to manipulate Jim into doing his dirty work and seeing me upset and then blame Jim.
I have heard of narcissists having sex with the OW in the wife’s car, or in their bed, James loved to tell the story of how he was screwing the neighbor’s wife on her couch when he was like 15 and the husband getting up and almost catching them.
Your pain reinforces to him how powerful he is.
Where as we feel guilt and can’t eat or sleep if we hurt someone, a narcissist feels empowered and superior when he can inflict pain. It makes it even more delicious when he can inflict pain and blame you or manipulate someone else into causing your pain and then he gets to be the one to console you. That is the ultimate narcissistic supply. mmmmmm enough to make his mouth water.