The Sick Narcissistic S.O.B.’s

Narcissist’s get sick satisfaction out of humiliating their victim, especially if they can pull it off without the victim knowing it. Later when the victim does figure it out they are mortified.  I have heard stories of unbelievable cruelty and mind-fucking done by the narcissist that proves they do this shit for the sheer pleasure of watching the person suffer.

Have no doubt, it is not that they are just selfish and don’t consider how their actions affect people; that would be almost excusable, I mean after all; if you don’t have the capacity to feel empathy, compassion or remorse; how can you be blamed for hurting someone. Now that there is a campaign on to raise awareness about narcissist I fully expect that we are going to start hearing in court the defense of  “I am not responsible for my actions because I am a narcissist, born with a defect,  incapable of feeling empathy and know not what I do”.

Let me nip it in the bud now; for when you are feeling sorry for the poor narc who will never feel or be human because he is “disabled” .

The son of a bitch knows EXACTLY  how much what he does hurts you. He does it TO hurt you and watch you suffer. It is not that he doesn’t understand that his actions cause pain and destruction. He does it because he knows he is destroying you, that is why he is doing it.

The last six months of the relationship I finally figured out that if James came to bed and made love to me and gave me a nice kiss goodbye in the morning, he would not be home that night. It was like the ultimate ego stroke for him, he knew he was going to screw two women in one day, neither of us knowing about the other one. It literally makes me want to vomit when I think about all the times I greeted him in stockings, garter belt and a trench coat (or some other equally sexy outfit) when he came “home” from a long haul run and we would screw for hours and he had just come from some other woman’s bed. He must have thought he was some kind of Casanova to have me duped into believing he was faithful to me and sleeping with 2 other women. All the times he sat beside me texting some other woman or screwing me, getting out of bed and going on the internet to look for his next conquest.

I remember after we split, he wanted me to insure the car for him again, and my hot water tank where I was living had sprung a leak and I had been showering at the neighbors so he offered I could meet at his place and have a shower before we went to do the insurance. I had hesitated because I didn’t want to be alone with him, it never failed when I had a shower he would want sex.  (we always had sex, he just never slept with me or cared about pleasing me sexually but he always got his rocks off the whole 10 years)

I got there and he was dressed really nice, a crisp white shirt, clean jeans, the place was clean (he was a real slob), he had strung indirect lighting under the cupboards, it was obvious he had gone to a lot of effort. He even had Mike’s Hard Lemonaide (it used to be my favorite alcoholic beverage) I thought to myself, “Typical, every time we split he makes an effort, here we go again.” I sat down and there was an open bottle of Mike’s on the table and he said to have it, he had just opened it. He told me he had bought them for me. For some reason I didn’t believe him, I took an unopened bottle and refused to drink the open one. I just had a feeling he had someone else there and they had left it.

He kept saying to have a shower if i wanted so I went in the bathroom and had my shower, knowing what he was up to. I finished my shower and wrapped myself in a towel, I was going to have sex with him if he made a move, I was horny and weak.

On the bed was a man’s house coat, he didn’t own a house coat and I figured he probably bought it for the new women he was planning on bring home. The bed had obviously been slept on by two and then I put the pieces together. He had some other woman there, she drank Mikes, he had screwed her and he wanted me to know it.

He was playing his guitar when I walked out and didn’t even look at me. I wrote him a note.

“I am sick of your fucking head games. I am out of here.”

To be honest I was more angry with myself for getting sucked in again.

He used to call his sister, arrange for her to come visit us from Vancouver; requiring her to take a bus to the sky train, ride the sky train for an hour, get off close to where he worked and he would pick her up from the bus depot when he got off work.  More than once she would call to make sure they were still on and he would tell her yep, he would be getting off work at whatever time so she would plan her trip to coincide with his time-table. She would call when she was getting close and he would say he was almost ready to walk out the door and let him know when she arrived. He would even call me to tell me he had invited her to come stay for a few days. She would arrive and call him, no answer. She would call me and I would try to reach him and he wouldn’t answer. She would end up waiting for hours for him to show up and finally get back on the sky train and travel all the way back home because he never showed up. I was stuck at home without a vehicle so was unable to go pick her up.

I finally figured out how she could get a bus within a mile of where we lived and we just eliminated him out of the plan so he couldn’t play that little game any more.

One time he had made love with me in the morning and gave me a really nice kiss good-bye and told me he loved me, he had just “recommitted” to making us work, “til the end,…..if there is an end” whatever than means. About a half hour after he left I received a text message from him, “What’s new pussycat?” He would have just gotten to work and there was a new female salesperson he had told me about that wasn’t his type at all, but he sure talked about her a lot.

All the Christmas’s he made plans to go to his family’s for the holidays and at the last-minute we/he didn’t go, ruining his mom’s Christmas year after year until finally they stopped telling him what they were doing at Christmas and started spending Christmas at one of the kids homes; but it took 10 years of ruined Christmases for them to get to that point.

He was so vindictive and hate filled that he didn’t care what the cost was to himself as long as he could fuck me up; which made it even harder for people to believe me whenever I told someone what was going on. It didn’t make sense.

We had a friend Jim, who took great pleasure in filling me in on everything James was doing, it seemed to me like he enjoyed delivering the bad news and causing trouble between James and me. After we split I told Jim I didn’t want to hear what James was doing and stopped answering the phone when I saw Jim’s number but I did business with him also and sometimes it was unavoidable, I had to talk to Jim. I had said to James many times, “Why do you tell him things when you know he is going to immediately call me and tell me. It didn’t makes sense, not at the time. Now, now that I know what I was dealing with it makes perfect sense, he wanted Jim to tell me, he knew it would gut me. He loved the conflict, my pain, the power of being able to manipulate Jim into doing his dirty work and seeing me upset and then blame Jim.

I have heard of narcissists having sex with the OW in the wife’s car, or in their bed, James loved to tell the story of how he was screwing the neighbor’s wife on her couch when he was like 15 and the husband getting up and almost catching them.

Your pain reinforces to him how powerful he is.

Where as we feel guilt and can’t eat or sleep if we hurt someone, a narcissist feels empowered and superior when he can inflict pain. It makes it even more delicious when he can inflict pain and blame you or manipulate someone else into causing your pain and then he gets to be the one to console you. That is the ultimate narcissistic supply. mmmmmm enough to make his mouth water.

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23 Replies to “The Sick Narcissistic S.O.B.’s”

  1. This post really hits home. My ex loved to humiliate me in public and at first, I thought I was being overly sensitive, and that he didn’t know that what he was doing was embarrassing or hurtful to me. Of course, as you say, he did know and it was obvious he enjoyed it. He used his brothers to be my “Jim” – they would tell me stuff my husband was doing (or not doing – sometimes he would take off fishing rather than finish a job he was doing for someone…..) and get me upset. Back then, I wasn’t able to stop the tears that always sprang to my eyes when I was hurt, upset or anxious and they seemed to enjoy that reaction. FYI – they did the same thing to their mother and to their wives – now I know to watch for how a man treats his mother because it is exactly how he will treat you……hindsight is 20/20.
    My ex would tease me to tears in front of anyone – the most hurtful part was that some of them would join in. One couple we used to go places with would gang up on me and the 3 of them would laugh at me – it happened twice and then I refused to go anywhere else with them. He was angry about that and told me I was being a baby! His brothers were like a nest of vipers (and so was his mother – she was hateful to me too). You are right about nobody believing you – people can’t fathom that others would treat someone like that so they assume you are making it up….that is hard to accept and makes you feel so alone.
    My ex had a porn addiction and we lived in a small town with one video store. I went to rent a video one night but was told there were late charges….I had never returned a video late so I told her that must be a mistake. She then read out the names of the films he had obviously rented and returned late – they were filthy and obvious to everyone that heard it that they were porn. I wanted to disappear! When I got home and told him how embarrassed I was he laughed heartily! I think he knew what he was doing – he wanted me to be embarrassed. I used to record a certain TV show and at one point the girls at work wanted to see it so at lunch we would all gather in the lunch room to watch. For a few weeks we did this and it was fun – nice to connect. One day the tape had porn on it! He had obviously set it up to record that instead of my show! I was mortified! He found it amusing of course! I was so embarrassed to show my face at work but of course, I had to work since the bills were my responsibility. Again, that was obviously planned/pre-meditated/calculating. It must have been time-consuming for him to come up with all this stuff – no wonder he had no time to work!
    Even after we separated he kept playing the game….I will be glad when our divorce is final and I can go no contact.
    Knowing that they are so cruel is sickening – the fact that they know that they are hurting you and they don’t care is hard to accept. I am not sure I will ever make peace with that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Torquoisesk, my ex was addicted to porn also, would stay up all night watching it and snuff movies. I went on the computer once and looked in the Christian folder on the desktop and it was full of porn. I started searching folders and found 102 porn sites saved.
      He started taking videos of us having sex without my knowledge. One day my step son was in the bedroom for a long time and I asked what he was doing and he came out blushing and stammered something about, “OH you know dad, porn.”
      Later I went in to put clean laundry away and James’s laptop was on the bed scrolling through pictures. I saw what looked like amateur porn and was going to erase it when I recognized it was him. I was sick, who was he with?!! then I recognized my couch and then I realized it was ME. I was mortified.
      Quite early in the relationship I had sold my car and we had agreed the next car he got for scrap that was decent it would be mine. We got a really cool old Galaxy and I was thrilled to get it. We went for dinner with his sister, her husband and friends of theirs. I knew no one except him. I was saying how thrilled I was with my new car. He interrupted me and said, “Your car?!!” I was shocked and said, “Yes, you said it…” He interrupted again and said,”Did you buy it?” I said no but you said. He just sneered and denied saying it was mine. I felt like a fool. On the way home I told him to never do that in front of people again, it was disrespectful. LOL I still thought he cared at that time. I explained that if I didn’t have the information right he should have waited until we were alone to correct me. I was forever explaining to him why things he did hurt me. Sure fire sign he is a narcissist if you have to explain to a 40 year old why his actions hurt you.
      I forgot about another time, he had a friend over and the phone was for him so I went outside and told him and he snapped at me, “I told you not to disturb me.” I had never had anyone snap at me like that and he kept saying I was too sensitive so I tried to be tougher skinned but it seemed he would just try harder until I cracked.
      He always talked like he really loved his mothers (he was adopted and had met his birth mother so he had two mom’s) he would say all the right things to them and tell them how much he loved and missed them yet he would do things that hurt them all the time, like not show up for Christmas etc. it was always a mixed message. and that is what it was like with me also.
      I knew he knew how to communicate because we had such a connection when we first started seeing each other, we could discuss everything and not get angry but after a while it seemed he misunderstood or twisted everything I said and he always said I didn’t listen to him and had selective hearing and only heard what I wanted to hear. It was so confusing, I kept thinking “If I can just find the right words he will understand and stop hurting me.”
      when you are in the middle of it you don’t see the intentionally hurtful things they do but once you get away from them you can see more clearly and it is very hard to accept. They have to know what they are doing because they know how to communicate properly when they are trying to hook you. You know you didn’t change, so they must have. So sick to pretend to be something you aren’t knowing that you have no intention of being that person ;later, it is just to suck the victim in.
      twisted minds
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. It is hard to fathom that they “plan” on how to hurt you, but I know this is true. And that they use the children to hurt you at the kids expense. Cruel, inhuman. My xnh used to up the ante every time the kids were sick. Make sure he was not around, but more than that create drama on top of it so you could not concentrate on your sick child. Who does that? An N does. He likes to give you MORE to worry about when all your attention s/b on your kid. My son was scheduled for surgery when my daughter was only a few weeks old. He was only 18 months old at the time. It was day surgery. My son did not take well to the meds they gave him and was green and puking all the way home. Little 2 week old daughter at the neighbors. The N put me out on the drive way with a puking baby to go collect the tiny one. He HAD to meet the “buddies” for a noon time beer. HAD TO. What was wrong with me expecting him to help with the kids? Could I not take care of 2 kids myself? Other women did it. x sigh x He saw nothing wrong with leaving me in the driveway. Do I now think he did it on purpose? He sure did. He absolutely knew that my kids were my life and loved to see the devastation it created in me, the tears, knowing I KNEW he did not give a damn about them. Son of a bitch!

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  3. Yes, I know exactly what you’re saying! I know the pull also wanting to know what he’s up to. Fortunately, my ex is the most boring psycho/narc n the planet, and never has anything interesting to say.

    I have to remind myself that everything he does is fake and not real! Also, that he is old, ugly, has severe ED, and knowing his pathology, OW gets plenty of mean & sweet cycles. Recently saddened to find out she added him to her house and property title as co-owner without him doing anything anything other than conning and duping that poor woman!

    He did create a fake photo op on Facebook (Fakebook?) last year, no doubt designed to cause me pain (after years of claiming he saw no reason to be on Facebook).

    The fake photo op was him playing/petting with his dogs, while OW stood stiffly, and awkwardly off the side. Of course, I quickly “blocked” this second account (ditto the first!)

    I do know about people showing up at your door, delighted to share bad “news” information intended to hurt and upset me. I finally got to the point, I just slammed the door in their faces, and refused to listen to them!

    Takes a long time to recover from this kind of abuse. I still struggle with it at times! But I believe it is possible if you really want it! Not saying it’s easy – because it’s not! But I believe it is doable!

    Stay strong, and never let them see your pain and distress! They feed on it. Don’t give it to them! Best revenge you could ever have, and to live a happy, healthy life without dwelling on these losers for life! Big hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Songbird, the first time a person comments their comment is held for moderation. Once you have had one comment approved all your other comments will post immediately. You just click where it says reply if you want to comment on someone else’s comment or you can comment at the bottom of the page where it says don’t be shy,
      I hope that clears it up for you.
      Welcome! and come back soon thanks for stopping by.

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  4. I have heard that Narcissism is not a legal defense because, as any qualified expert witness would testify, at all times, even at their worst the Narcissist can tell right from wrong. Their impulse control is unimpaired. I don’t believe their indifference for the feelings of all others has any bearing on the degree of accountability for their actions.

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    1. truthoverlooked, I was being more facetious than anything when I said that they will be using it as a defense but I can see my ex trying to get away with it if cornered. He would never admit to being an N but if he was up on murder charges he would try anything to get off.

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  5. Misssourflower, said it right. We all talk no contact, then they have no clue as to what your life is, so they cannot feed off your pain or anger.
    If they cannot contact you and they never see you, then that is how you won over the N.
    That is how I am doing this! he will never know what I am doing, where I go, and if I ever ran into him! I would pretend I don’t know who he is.
    He is dead to me.

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  6. I am fully out of this a week now after trying to walk away for 3 months on and off. 3 years of it was enough for me, I started to literally give all my energy to this fool, the result was incessant heart palpitations with no physiological reason (my Dr. finally decided it was stress and told me to get out of the situation before they became permanent…they have stopped except for the occassional one) and a weight loss of 7 lbs in 3 months (which at 5’8″ I really couldn’t afford..I am now putting the weight back on going from 118 to 123 and climbing). I have read incessantly now about narcissists and he is textbook…even down to the exact words attributed to them. His pattern is to let me cool off and then try again in 2 weeks or so to see if I am still mad, then convince me that I am the problem and if I would just understand how things should be and that I am a crazy lunatic who has tunnel vision…blah, blah, blah. Even my ex husband, who had issues of his own from a childhood molestation was not as bad as this, I need to fix ME so that I am not susceptible to this type of charm and fake reality that was promised. “And I would given you all that baby if you hadn’t behaved the wrong way…” Yup, like I am a child…I am in college working towards a BSN at 57 years of age and I am treated like a child by someone who thinks they were put on the planet to be adored by everyone, and who is entitled to anything and anyone. I have never in my life come across anyone who goes to the places this man goes when he doesn’t get his way, or when I didn’t act the way he said I should, or didn’t vote the way he thinks I should, didn’t dress the way he thinks I should, etc…didn’t take much to send him off the rails and talk to me as if I should crawl in a hole and die…but then he would have no one to worship him..oh yeah, except for the ones he was grooming for the kill (in the middle of the night on the internet)… the stories sound the same from all of us who have lived it. I wish us all health and a better life…

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    1. D, thank you for your comments, yep it sounds like you were with an N alright, they are all so text book it is scary. You are wise to leave now, I didn’t leave and a year after I left I had my first heart attack, a year later I had heart failure. My heart is permanently damaged from the stress and pain of living that life. Women from abusive relationships are 70% more likely to have heart disease and it is a proven fact that people can die of a broken heart. it is actually called Broken Heart Syndrome. So your doctor knows what he is talking about.
      the best way to deal with your ex and the fastest way to heal is to go totally no contact, cut him off completely. other wise he will continue to take every opportunity to hurt you he gets.
      Good luck and come back if you ever need to vent or need a sympathetic ear.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  7. I tried for so long to deny he is a N. I couldn’t bring myself to unsubscribe and every time I read the notification that a new post was made the title always related to my current situation. Maybe I’m ready to move on now. I don’t know. I feel like the most pathetic human being alive and my heart is broken so bad it hurts to breathe.

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    1. Keep reading Blue eyed Hot tempered! I think the thing that gets us all is that we LIE to our selves much more than the N ever lied to us. At least for much longer. We don’t want to believe he lied, manipulated, used us, used our love, our caring to his own sick reasoning. We want HIM to be what we thought he was and will lie to ourselves to make him be so, in our minds. Despite everything that is right there in front of us.

      I’d like to hear more of your story……. very hard to comment with so little info.

      Hugs
      Ellie

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    2. BlueEyed, big hugs to you. I know what you mean that it hurts to breathe. I had to remind myself to breathe and blink. It seemed I couldn’t manage basic bodily functions, that surely I could forget to breathe and just die. But you can’t. It is hard to face the truth, I fought it, we all did; that is all part of it, why it hurts so much and why I am here. There is no pain like it. Even when I would find an article on narcissism and James would fit the description to a T I would tell myself, “Yeah, but we have a special connection, he really loves me, I am special, no one could love him like I do, we always end up back together, we are meant to be. I truly felt through all the turmoil and pain of the relationship that somehow we would work it out, that I would be with him til the day I died. it had gone on so long and we always stayed connected, even when we broke up, we always talked everyday, he would always stay in touch with me even when he didn’t call anyone else. His mothers called me to see how he was because he hadn’t called them in months, everyone, his friends, business associates, everyone called me because they knew I would see him. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I was sure him and I would be together.
      I have often said that the most damaging part of the whole relationship wasn’t the lies he told me, it was the lies I told myself. That does not make us pathetic, it makes us normal, loving, caring, forgiving and trusting. it is not pathetic to believe the person who you love with all your heart. Life becomes so dysfunctional and confusing we lose touch with reality and lose our ability to think clearly and see things realistically. We stop listening to our gut and live constantly on edge trying to figure out what he wants, whether he is lying, dancing as fast as we can and doing it on egg shells, we lose sight of the fact that there is nothing “normal” about our lives.
      I am glad you found things here that you can relate to and I am glad you decided to come back, whether you stay this time or not, you are getting there and eventually you will be able to break away and start to heal and then you will find peace and happiness. As long as he is in your life there will be pain and ciaos, they thrive on drama and trauma and they never change, which I am sure you are discovering.
      I struggled with accepting the truth for 9 years while in the relationship and a year and 1/2 after we split. If he had not been the one to discard me I don’t know that I ever would have faced the whole truth and left him. That is why I am here, to try and save women from hanging on until they have nothing left of themselves. If I wouldn’t have had this site and the people who come here I don’t know how I would have survived. I have gotten as much as I have given here and I think you will find everyone understands and wants to help as much as they can. No one here will think you are pathetic, we have all been there and there are many very strong, attractive, and independent women here who have all been there. You are in good company. Nothing to be ashamed of.
      Welcome back
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  8. I am not sure if my N really was an N. I only know that I felt worthless, devalued, and expendable during the course of our relationship. Although he said he WANTED to be with me, he did not treat me like a special person in his life that he respected, tenderly cared for and planned a future with.

    In the beginning, he was still hung up on his Ex with whom he had been together for many years (he had moved in with her because after his divorce he was in financial dire straits). According to mutual friends she was rich, manipulative, domineering and treated him like a subject. Yet, he could not get over her. After a year with me he told me that he still had “a soft spot” for her. Whenever anyone dared to say anything negative about her, he became very protective and defended her. He never defended me. He had hundreds of photos of her and of him and her together. Just a handful of me and none of the two of us together. He drove a car that was partly owned by her and still had dealings with her as she had invested a large sum in his business. Finally he tried to break free from her by selling the car and paying her off.
    After that things became better but the damage was done. I could not believe anything he said. The trust was broken. He had told me that he had respected her but not me. According to him, in all the years with her he had never seen her cry. When I asked him if he would go back to her if she called, he said in his typical airy way “is one EVER sure about these things?” Mind you, by that time he was already sleeping with me. I cried at his indifference and at his belittling my achievements. He could praise everyone else. When I did or said exactly the same things, he did not even seem to notice. Eventually he admitted that he had taken me for granted. In his words, I had been “a done deal” and he no longer had the need to make an effort. Mind you, before I hooked up with him I had known him on a casual basis for years. He seemed so nice, kind and sweet. A pillar of society. Everybody loved him
    .
    Later in the relationship he told me that I was everything he had always wanted. That he had never met anyone like me and just did not know how to act towards me. But then, why is it that he knows exactly how to act towards strangers and casual aquaintances? When I started going out with him he had a circle of friends that found it incredibly funny to “playfully” put each other down in the most childish of ways. I felt I had entered a nursery. The man is over 60! He had praised them as “really special” to me but I was shocked once I saw them. Then he fell ill and had to be hospitalized and not one of his special friends visited him. After that he broke off all contact with them because that really shocked him.
    But I felt just as shocked when he airily trivialized my achievements, when he told me that I “could never win against” his famous, beloved ex, when he praised everybody else but never me . He told me later that initally he had felt afraid of me because he felt insecure and wanted to hurt me. I had only treated him with respect and kindness.
    Before me, he had briefly had a very short relationship with a married woman that lived separated from her husband and had no intention to get a divorce. After a few weeks he broke off with her because his feeling were not “enough”. His comment – “It was fun fucking her whilst it lasted”. During his over 20 year marriage to his ex-wife he had cheated twice because he had felt lonely. I tried to give him a good relationship but he told me that he was “just not as much into me as I was into him”. Later, of course, “that had changed” according to him.
    Yet, he could still leave and disappear at a drop of a hat when I got emotional and angry because he had hurt me to the core. Even when he was at fault, he never came back to apologize. I (!) had to come after him and basically beg him to come back. When I begged him to help me to hold the relationship together, he said “there is nothing I can do. I don’t have to apologize. I don’t want a relationship. YOU do.” I felt literally guttet by him. His comment “I am good at that (finding people’s core spot and going for the kill) . Not that I am proud of it”. He used to throw tantrums (I called them monkey dances) whenever he felt wronged and could disappear for months until I came crawling again. I felt degraded and totally worthless. How is it possible that I became a total shrew because I was hurting so much? Like an animal that was beaten and abused and finally strikes out viciously. And then, of course, I was the one who was the problem. His logic could be totally warped. Once, we visited a town in my home country and tried to find a specialty shop he had heard of. We got lost because neither of us had ever been to that particular town. He got frustrated and started accusing me that I deliberately did not help him to find the way to the shop which was totally absurd. I was as lost as he was. Another time during a vacation at a hotel, I asked him to wake me up at a given time in the morning so that we did not miss breakfast. I woke up by myself, it was way beyond breakfast time and he was nowhere to be seen. Eventually he appeared, he had been out for a walk, and had eaten breakfast alone. When I got upset about his action, he flew off the handle and told me “You needed your sleep”. and that I “had not specified to be woken up under any circumstances” …
    However, in the end he started councelling for himself and really seemed to try to make the relationship work. But I am totally worn out. I cannot trust him. I don’t believe him. What can I do?
    He was great at helping me around the house as a handyman, a great cook, a fun conversationalist. But I was alone emotionally. Totally starving. I have tried to forgive him what happened during the first year but I cannot. He has infured me to the core. What could I have done differently?

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    1. Liselotte, you relationship is so typical of a narcissist you could write the book. Believe me there is nothing you could have done differently! No matter what you did would have changed anything. I don’t know how much of the blog you have read but I encourage you to do more. The more you read my posts and the comments you will see that you are not alone or to blame plus you will get many pointers on how to proceed from here.
      For one thing, you have to go no contact, he will never leave you alone totally, he will always be lurking, popping up a year from now professing his love and admitting its’ you he truly loves but be sleeping with some other or several other women at the same time.
      The only way to be free of them is to block all contact and start to heal. As long as he has any way of getting to you he will chink away ar your armor and do everything he can to destroy you.
      They do not love anyone, no matter what he says about his ex you can bet that if he says she took him for granted etc it was the exact opposite. They always make themselves out to be the victim of a psycho bitch.
      It is very common also that they are pining away for a lost love from the past, it is a way of making you feel inferior. My ex did the exact same thing, yet when he did have the chance to be with her and not me he still wanted me (I was in BC,she was in another province and he was trucking, he had her in one town, me in another and another woman in another town and was looking for women on the internet and meeting them between towns) he was telling all of us he loved us, I read his journal after we split and he even made note of it, “I called Carrie we had a good conversation, called Tina she was bitchy so didn’t talk too long……etc etc” He had the nerve to call me the “sure thing”.
      They all have some good traits, how else would they hook us but the whole while they are seducing us into a relationship with them and we think they are so enthralled with us and want to know everything about us and they are sharing their past with us they are actually collecting info to use against us later.
      It is all planned out from the very first date. Women are all interchangeable, every woman is a potential victim. When he meets a woman he assesses her value to him and determined where her soft spots are. If there is some value to him and she innocently enough falls for his charms the game is on until he has used up whatever it was that he wanted whether that is money, connections, or his needs change.
      Welcome to my site, you are not crazy nor are you alone.
      HUgs
      Carrie

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      1. Hello Carrie
        thank you for your comment.
        You see, what I don’t understand is this: He is a pillar of society. He suppports all kinds of causes – animal rights, ACLU, visits prisons to cheer up juvenile inmates, buys donuts for his employees every Friday, buys expensive gifts for his daughters and brothers, reads inspirational books and quotes Gandhi, gives generos tips to waiters, is shocked about the violence around the world – only me he admittedly took for granted. As I said above, once I had fallen for him he did not have to do special things any longer. Now he is seeing a counselor to “get to the bottom of this”, claiming he wants to reform himself. But somehow I have the feeling that this entire “reforming” is just another hat in his “lI am so wonderful” show. He really did get more attentive and tried to be nice to me. But I was so disgusted by his former behavior to the point of having psychosomatic reactions whenever I saw him.
        I hate myself for not being able to forgive and forget. Shouldn’t we be more forgiving? What if I am wrong?
        But then what kind of man says “from now on all I want is sex” after we broke up and he was talking about his future plans regarding women.

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        1. Liselotte, I don’t know him other than what you have told me so I can only comment on what I know to be true. Many narcissists are the pillars of the community, pastors, politicians, and community minded. No one, not one person that met James would have guessed what went on behind closed doors, no one!! He was SO friendly, agreeable, would give the shirt off his back to a stranger if the person was in need. We had a flat deck truck and he was a mechanic, we never, no matter where we were going, drove past someone broken down on the side of the road. He would spend all night getting someone going and if he couldn’t we would load up their car on the truck and he would drive them home. We rescued dozens of people and I thought it was so wonderful of him. He really appeared to love doing it also. But of course he did, he got a lot of recognition for his efforts, he was a hero!!! Look what a nice guy he is!! and he didn’t have to keep the mask on for long, he would get the praise and gratitude and they would be on their way. Anyone who got to know him over time eventually stopped being his friend because once people got close to him his mask would drop. Does your ex have an long term close friends? or all his relationships superficial? that would be the best indicator. James cried watching sad movies, couldn’t stand to watch a violent movie yet he would watch snuff videos on the net.
          He went to Sudan as a volunteer, made a big deal about shipping all his tools etc, had a blog trying to raise money, his mom’s church donated thousands, and he got a young Sudanese girl pregnant while he was there, stole from the charity and got run out of the country. But he tells everyone how he did charity work in Africa and appears to be such a wonderful giving person.
          Listen to your gut, it is telling you something, trust it. Narcissists are academy award winning actors, their lives depend on it. If he showed his true colours to the world he wouldn’t get very far would he?
          That is what makes narcissists so dangerous. An asshole treats everyone the same, everyone knows he is an asshole and he usually has friend who are assholes. There are lazy free loaders in the world and they don’t try to hide it, everyone knows they are a free loader and lazy so if you get used by them it is your own fault. There are guys who are abusive and don’t try to hide it. What makes the narcissist so very dangerous is the fact that he does not show who he is to anyone, except the poor soul who is his chosen punching bag.

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  9. There has been a tremendous amount written about narcisissts and what they do and so forth.

    But it can all be summarized by saying that they are as deeply disturbed as human beings can get.

    Love, trust, faith, hope, loyalty. These are virtues that make life worth living for most human beings.

    Love. Love heals. It gives hope. It is the highest thing we strive for on earth. Sometimes we lose our way and become jaded or disappointed and we chose to live in the darkness. But even then when light of love appears we reach out and grasp for it. We feel ashamed for our time wasted in the darkness.

    Narcissists are people for whom love does not ever register. Someone can be giving them the highest and best currency (love), something we all dream of having, and instead the narc willfully turns his or her back on it to continue living in the darkness instead.

    So when a person gets involved with a narcissist voluntarily, especially over a prolonged period, it also says something about that person as well. Maybe the narc represents someone from your childhood whom you loved deeply but who could not, for whatever reason, give you the love you needed in return. Or maybe you are a recovered narc and empathize with the lost-ness of your current beloved narc and you want to love them out of it.

    Spiritually, there is nothing to be ashamed with in loving another human being, even a narc . Maybe love is NEVER wasted. Narcissists are addicts however. They will not be able to let your love in until they have healed themselves. They will appreciate your love, but the chances are very high that appreciation will not come on this earthly plane or in this lifetime.

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    1. Andy thank you for your comment, you are very right when you say victims have nothing to be ashamed of, no one should ever be ashamed of having the ability to love and for being a caring forgiving person. The only person who deserves shame is the Narcissist but of course he will never feel shame, guilt or remorse.
      You are also right that narcissist live on the dark side and love does not register except to be used as a weapon to manipulate people to get what they want/.
      There is one thing you did get wrong though, there is no such thing as a “recovering” narc, they can not be fixed, never heard of it and even the professional say there is no cure to narcissism, they are what they are. No cure and there is no way a person can turn into one, you are born that way, their brains are wired wrong, they don’t have what ever it takes to feel empathy and guilt.
      They never heal and they don’t care because they see themselves as superior to the rest of us, I guess they would because it is our empathy that they use against us to “win” in their eyes we are weak, why would they want to feel like the rest of us and be taken advantage of let they do to people?
      They are quite happy the way they are and look down on the rest of us because in their mind we deserve to be abused and used, it is our own stupidity that gets us in trouble, if we are too stupid to figure out that we are being taken advantage of that is not his fault. They assume everyone thinks like they do, no one does anything without some self serving motive. That is why when we cry they turn cold, they think we are just trying to manipulate them.

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    2. Hello Andy,
      thank you for your insightful contribution. You are right in saying that the N is deeply disturbed. All the things that make life wonderful are totally lost on him/her. Love does not heal him./her Either he/she does not even recognize it or the walls are too strong. There are several psychological theories out there on the subject.
      Love means being vulnerable – and that would be the death blow to every N. They need to be in control, top dog, I remember my N saying very insensitive, hurtful things to me. When I challenged the validity of his statements he went out of his way to prove that he was right. For crying out loud – he would rather hurt me to the core, would rather completely destroy the relationship than risk being wrong about something mean and callous he said to me. SICK!!! I told him once that he loved his ego more than me. He thought for a second and then agreed. They love their ego more than anything else. The way a drug addict loves his drug of choice. And they will steal, lie and murder to get it. Having his ego destroyed would have destroyed HIM. His Ego is all he has.

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      1. Lisollete, hopefully your N is actually your ex N. I have observed the same willingness to risk the relationship over control issue with my ex N girlfriend.

        I agree with your observations as difficult as they are to accept. Narcissists all act very similarly leading me to feel there is a strong genetic basis.

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