Be Yourself – Because No One Can Do You, Better Than You

I had an email today from someone struggling with finding themselves again after leaving a narcissist. The N destroys a person so completely that the person actually feels shattered into a million pieces too overwhelmed to even know where to start the process of putting themselves back together.

This was my reply to her

First of all, this is all normal! well, as normal as life can be with a narcissist. They ALWAYS try to turn the tables and make themselves out to be the victim, always!! and because we AREN’T narcissists we start to doubt ourselves, it is all part of his manipulation and control. I wasn’t even there, I don’t know him or you for that matter and just from what you said in this email I would tell you, HE IS THE NARCISSIST and you are the victim. For one thing a narcissist never doubts themselves. Did you ever hear him say that he doubted himself? that he didn’t know who he was? that maybe he did abuse you? No! because he is a narcissist!!!
It is also normal to not know who you are. You did so much changing for him, you would give him what he said he wanted and it was never enough so you ended up being someone you aren’t and still being treated like shit. Of course you don’t know who you are.  
You won’t ever be who you once were, this experience will have changed you forever. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing, we all have to change and grow or we stagnate. Hopefully we all grow and become better as we age, right? This is your opportunity for immense personal growth.
When I got to the point of being almost immobilized with self doubt and didn’t know who I was any more I could only think of one way to deal with it. I took time to myself and I did a critical self assessment. I went back over the relationship and honestly asked myself, where did I screw up? what could I have done differently? Sure there were times I was not proud of where I totally lost it on him but why did I do that? How could I have better handled it? and you know what I came up with? 
 
It was all so fricken dysfunctional I could have never dealt with it rationally or reasonably. No matter what scenario I came up with the only solution I could come up with other than what I did was to leave him a lot sooner. If you can go through the relationship and find things you did wrong I would be very surprised.
 
I started with my son. I love my son, I could never give up my son being in my life, James made it all but impossible to have a relationship with my son. Then I hit work, I always wanted to work, I need to work, I tried to work, James made it impossible to work yet he wanted me to be self sufficient. there was no way I could have handled it differently because he was asking the impossible. Now he is with a woman who was self sufficient because she was left with money when her husband died. But James has drained her of all her money and he still isn’t happy. There is no pleasing them. 
 
I also took myself a part, I was broken anyway and had to put the pieces back together, it all seemed so overwhelming, when you are in a million pieces where do you start? Write it down, your flaws and good traits. What you have always been told about yourself. For me James always said i was too sensitive, my family has always said that about me too. So I looked at it, I decided yes I am sensitive but because of that I have always been there for my family, so they liked it about me when they needed it but not when it didn’t suit their needs. I decided that i probably needed to work on not being as sensitive and giving and needed to pull back a bit which I have done and it feels good. I listen to my gut a lot more than ever before. I took several personality trait tests on the internet and found it really interesting and gave me a better sense of who I am and that I am ok just the way I am. it takes all kinds to make the world go round and we fit in there somewhere.
 
It will take time to get comfortable with the new you, it is a weird experience that not everyone has the opportunity to do. We go through life being told things about ourselves and how we “should’ be and we just kinda go along and most people get through life being what they have been told they are and they know no different. You have the opportunity to be the most authentic you that you can be. That is a gift, believe me! it takes time and work, you have to go back to your childhood and friendships and analyze what you have been packing that wasn’t yours to pack in the first place. But when you are done you will have an inner peace and direction that you have never known.
 
Congratulations on not succumbing to his pressure and manipulation and for reaching out for help. Pat yourself on the back and be proud of that. You are on track, just keep looking forward, don’t look back, don’t let him suck you back into his sick world. You are on an amazing journey, you have just come across a bump in the road not a detour.
Right after replying to her email I got this video in an email and I thought it was a great compliment to the message I was trying to convey. Enjoy!  Let your “YOU” shine!

 

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6 thoughts on “Be Yourself – Because No One Can Do You, Better Than You

  1. I divorced my husband at 28 years old and then I met just before my 30’s a new man. At first I was very reserved. He did and said some strange things. But the relationship went on and after 4 years I moved with my two kids to the town where he lived. He was very nice and generous. I went to work and had a kind of career. He started his own business in 1993. He said he did that because I didn’t want to marry him and didn’t want to have kids with him. I always told him from the beginning that I wouldn’t do that because for me a pregnancy was very difficult. So the new business was his ‘child’. Before we had some quarrels, but I noticed he never did anything wrong and also he went out of the house or didn’t say a word to me. The business went on and off and we had many difficult financial times. I also did, next to my own job, his administration. Because we were very busy, we don’t have much time together and that’s why for me it was not so important to realize the totally stupid things he said and did. But somewhere in 2005 his rage was so horrible that I left the house. And that’s where, dear ladies, I made the big mistake to get back to him.
    In 2008 he ended his business. Had a lot of money and was home 24/7.
    I had my pension in 2012. I thought now we can enjoy our freedom and the money we have. But now I think it was time for him to move on. Everything I did was criticized. And then he said to me: I stayed with you out off pity and you and your children cost me a lot of money. After 31 years he said that to me.
    I went on the internet and read everything about narcissism and everything I read was him.
    In one month time I went out of the house. Lived with my daughter for some months and then got an apartment near to her. I have a small job now. Because of the money and the time I can spend over there. But I don’t feel okay. It’s been a year now and I feel lonely. We always had wonderful vacations together. But that was because we were alone together.
    I have a lot of good friends and family. They all understand the situation. I can phone and tell how I feel. I am on AD and looking for good counseling now, because a good therapist who knows about narcissism is hard to find.
    My English is not that good, but I hope it helps other people to realize, you have to get out in time.

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    1. Elisabeth, welcome to the site and thank you for sharing your story, I am sure it will help someone to hear it. Give yourself time, it took me over 2 years to really feel healed, you were with him a long time and don’t realize the damage he did to you emotionally and mentally because it was done slowly over time. It is going to take time to heal also.
      It is hard to find a good therapist who understands or even admits they exist. Good luck and please come back any time if you need an understanding ear or just want to vent.
      Big hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Hello Carrie, I found this on the internet. A psychologist told how you would recognize a narcissist or sociopath. Just ask him or her: In what ways do you think you need to grow or change? I bet you know the answer. Love, Elisabeth

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  3. Wow! My husband was required to take an anger management class after being arrested and he went to the class and brought home all the paperwork for me to read because I needed the help and he had marked things for me to work on…. That was just so weird to me and I asked him if he thought any of the starred area applied to him and he said “No, I know what makes me angry and its mostly you. If you could just look in the mirror you would see that but you cant because you are too busy blaming me everything. ” I used to be very prone to engage in the conversation with him thinking that I could make sense of things but now I just shut down and walk away when I can. He beat up three people at a bar one night and he was arrested and lost his job and they had in on video and its very clear what happened but he had painted a much different picture and still to this day he will tell you that the bar and the police and the people inside are to blame, he didn’t do anything wrong and they cost him his job…. he never apologized not even to save his job because “they were all lying”, it is a crazy and confusing world and I am just coming out of the fog. I wonder if they could use that as a test for determining if someone is a Narcissist? LOL I am sure it would work!

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  4. After 8 years he throws me out bcs he needs space and to reset and less obligation. But i jave no where to go. Except a shed in my moms back yard. It is humiliating at 42 to be living back where i wasnwhen i met him….the shed in my moms yard. Bcs she feels sorry for me. My grown son lives in the house. Thats why im here so he can have a stable house to live in. When i met my N i eventually moved in with him. To his big comfy house. We go on an 11 day vacation to Hawaii…..and when we get back he wants me to move out. Bcs his grown daughter is visiting. He did this once before…he threw me out before she visited sonshe wouldnt find out about me. Bcs hes married and has been saying hes divircing for the whole 8 years. But had to wait bcs his daughter was in highschool. And then stressed choosing a college. And thrn getting adjusted to colege. And then needed to not be bothered bcs shes adjusted to college. On and on. Meanwhile he promised to go public and tell them. Said he loves me and wants me. Thats why i was LIVING there. And he so easily throws me out like TRASH. did i mention he is 63 and overweight? I nursed him thru a hernia operation recently. I do nothing but care and try to please and wait. I had 30k when i met him. I spent it keeping up with him even though hes a millionaire bcs i didnt want to ask for money or help. I just wanted to love him. But it drained me financially to stay in this city with him. Its been games and lies and he always priorities his ex like she could not be bothered. Ever. And ahe always needed lavish noney and to have her bills all payed living in their 1.4M house while she decided what to do….but its ok for me to scrimp and have no security and worry all the time and not even know if we are in fact together even though he said we were and moved me in….he kept me feeling like i was on probation. One pms nood or crying a little and i felt hed throw me out. Beleive me i was soooo careful. I never snapped at him. I didit criticise. I idolisd him. He made me shy and giddy and i just liked to please him. Crazy. But im a loving person. I was happy to have found a man to love. A realnpartner who started out sooo chring and sweet and giving and sensitive nd attentive. Phase 2 started after i moved in. After he aid yes we are going to move away and start new soon. After he committed more than the dating phase. So he moved me in and then got critical and condeacending. Our sex life wsnalways good but it was even better. So he withrdaws and withholds? Just after we came together and were feeling so amazing and open? Is he afaid of comitment and real intimacy? Or does he enjoy hurting andnhumiiating me? He withheld sex and then threw me out. Im huliliated at my mothers . im i a shed with no runing water. He would never ask his wife to spend one night in. Place without a bathroom. I loved this man so much. I raised my son alone and i thiught id found a second chance at a relationship. But its all been a game. As soon as his wife found out he thre me way like trash. His wife fond out and his daughtr is going to visit soinsteadnof sticking by ne an saying ye im with someone new and i should have told you…he dnaps his fingers and im suppsed to vanish. And he dosnt care tht my stuff is there nd inhav nowhere to go and im uprooted and i feel homeless and worthless.

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