Instructions For A Bad Day

shane

I think I may have posted this before but it bares repeating. I love this guy, no one could write poetry like this if they haven’t been there. 

Shane Koyczan – Instructions for a bad day

 

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18 Replies to “Instructions For A Bad Day”

  1. Thank you so much Carrie. Yesterday was a disgusting day. So bad that I’m having trouble getting out of the bed and going to that job. Thank you Thank you. This was much needed.

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    songbird666’s Blog
    My abusive fiancé help

    I have been with my partner for five years at first he was loving and attentive but slowly he started to chip away at my self esteem and would rage when I didn’t know what I had done wrong.

    He sits in his room in the dark and is totally unsociable except when we are fighting and he suddenly becomes mr all smiling sociable he often locks me out of the house and once had me arrested on my birthday saying I assaulted him he pretended to call police so I left rang them said I was ok not to bother they then asked me to go to station where they checked me they went to his place to check him then charged him with drug possession so he told them I assaulted him so I was put in a paddy wagon and handcuffs whilst my family waited for me at my lunch apparently this was my fault?

    He constantly just stops talking to me for a month at a time which has caused me chronic panic attacks and to be hospitalised he once came to the hospital and started a fight till I ripped the drip out of my arm and left he shows no empathy six months ago I developed dépression and panic attacks I went to a trauma centre at 1k a day which was very hard to be away from him as I was codependant the minute he heard after a week there happiness in my voice he attacked again and stupidly I quit just as he wished he didn’t want to see me happy. he had asked me to marry him a few months before then the morning of our engagement party took off didn’t pick me up went by himself I called and called he finally picked up I said where are u and he said at the party fuck off???lied to his family and said I was out with friends? His mother is a weirdo who apparently used to slap him around the head as a kid and his brother is terrified of his anger still to this day apparently he was incredibly cruel as a child. He has a daughter who was taken off her mother as she was a alcoholic and he plays the matyr for taking her on by himself since she was 8 yet he sat in his room everyday smoking cones with door shut on her left her in a house with a group of 35yr old men he shared with when she was 14 she ended up being in an abusive relationship where she was hit by her 21yr old boyfriend but once we got to court it was obvious she was also out of control I have tried to help him with her but been called a whore etc the way he talks to her is terrible so I imagine she is just a product of her environment At times he can be lovely but it’s short lived and usually when there is something to gain or when I have ignored him for days he rings and days oh I have chest pain so I say I will come take u to hospital when we get there he tells doctor he think he has indigestion???but then he goes away so for six months I have been immobile in three years he has only ever visited me 3 times at my house in the next suburb. A month ago I drove to his house text him telling him I was having a panic attack could he help he ignored me so I tried to od he reversed his car out and went out then rang a friend for me he later said I knocked on window thought u were asleep? My friends spent the night with me vomiting then took turns staying with me no one heard from my fiancé not once did he try to help or show any concern now I am being accused of sleeping with these people who helped me on those nights whilst he ignored me I am suicidal and he is just angry won’t get counselling and basically says it’s my fault I am a slut which I am not this relationship mirrors his two previous please tell me he is not normal

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    1. songbird, you are not crazy and he is NOT normal. Read your comment again and tell me what about it is normal? Have you ever heard of a relationship like that aside from what you might have read here or on some other blog about narcissist?
      The victim knows deep down that the relationship is not normal but the N drives the victim insane with gas lighting and blame shifting, pull you close to push you away, always walking on egg shells, the rules forever changing, always drama and accusations of thing you aren’t doing. You can bet that whatever he is accusing you of doing, he is doing. They always put up smoke screens and accuse you so you are so busy defending yourself that you don’t notice what they are doing. The not answering your calls, the total disregard for your feelings, the lack of empathy and caring, it is all text book narcissist. He won’t go to counseling, and if he does he will twist things and make you out to be the crazy one and unless the counselor is very aware of narcissists they will take his side of things and think you are a psycho bitch.
      You need to get help, call a woman’s support group for victims of domestic abuse and talk to people who have been there and can help you get away from him. There is a free download up at the top of the blog, it is a safety plan for getting away from an abuser and how to stay safe until you leave. Do not doubt that he is capable of killing you, from the sounds of it the pressure is building and you never know when he is going to crack.
      You say his daughter was out of control, she was 14 and with a 21 yr old abuser, she was probably driven half crazy, so young, no one to support her, abused as a child. She needs help.
      I gather you don’t live together so that is your saving grace. I can not stress strong enough that you need to end this now, change your phone number, block his emails and any way he has of contacting you, follow the safety plan and find a support group. We are here for you as moral support but from the sounds of it, you being suicidal, you need more than what I can offer over the internet.
      I know it is heart breaking, but it is obvious he is not going to change, he is only going to get worse, they do not have a conscience, no empathy, no guilt, that is why they can be so cruel. History is the best indicator of the future, don’t keep repeating history. You can bet that if you cut him off totally he will try to win you back and cry and promise you the world, he will admit to everything he ever did wrong, they almost all do it. Don’t believe him, it is all a bunch of lies to get you back so he can abuse you worse than ever. They put on a facade of the loving sweetheart, your soul mate, you feel so blessed to have met this wonderful man and once they have you hooked the abuse starts and that is the beginning of the end. You will only see snippets of the man you met, he will give you a few crumbs when he thinks he is going to lose you, but they get fewer and farther between.
      Keep in touch. I care.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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      1. Thanks Carrie it truly hurts and some dAys I don’t even know who I am anymore I suppose I feel so sorry for him but I should really feel sorry for myself my boundaries are non existent and it’s been so long since I have felt safe or loved it consumes u the dread and just upsets me that I could of loved someone who was capable of such cruelty I have asked him to get help 6 weeks ago of course he has done nothing which says a lot I am just back from a week overseas volunteering in a village with very poor children and it did my heart the world of good to finally give to people who didn’t abuse me but opened there arms to me. I don’t want to think about another relationship I just want to concentrate on myself agAin but at least I know I will find happiness whilst he will always be just a empty nasty person moving on to the next victim with the same results. I suppose u can’t flog a dead horse and boy have I tried over and over Thank u for your support

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        1. Songbird, the mistake so many victims make is to feel sorry for the N, to want to save him from himself, to see him as torn and so unhappy and needing of love. We have all at one point or another thought our special love could save the N from himself. You are not choosing yourself over him, if he was fixable then it would be choosing your well being over his. You are not deserting him in his time of need. He will never change, he really doesn’t want to change, he is NOT the poor torn lonely little boy you see. He is acting like one at times because it gets him what he wants. They learn at a very early age how to manipulate someone through the person’s guilt and empathy.

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      2. Thanks Carrie it’s just so sad to watch someone u love in such turmoil and trying to leave them by themselves to cope I suppose I need to stop caring about him and start looking after myself I feel I see things a lot clearer now and it’s 6 weeks since he said he would get help once again he hasn’t u can’t flog a dead horse I have tried over and over I just spent a week volunteering in a very poor village with the children and it felt so good to have my kindness appreciated with hugs and smiles from the kids instead of abuse and mind games I can’t even think of a relationship right now I need to concentrate on myself and my happiness but I imagine I won’t know what to do to be loved properly again it’s very soul destroying and lonely being in a abusive relationship and I imagine he will just move on quickly to his next victim and will never find peace within himself I think what hurts the most is realizing I could have loved someone so cruel in the first place he never made me feel secure or loved and I used to always say when he was being nice for a few days and we felt close … Don’t go away … I imagine it’s hard for them to keep the false nice front up and getting them to actually do anything to help themselves requires strength they don’t have because they basically have no confidence in themselves it’s sad but like I said to him it wasn’t right the way u were treated as a child but the fact u are a adult choosing to abuse women is terrible I also come from a abusive childhood but I am the opposite I am co dependant I care too much for my own good thanks for writing to me

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        1. Because you were abused as a child you are a perfect target for a narcissist. He does not want peace within himself, he does not want to feel love and empathy, to him they are signs of weakness and people will use them against you, because that is what he does. His goal in life is to extract as much as he can from everyone he can and leave them shells of the person they used to be. He views people with feelings as pitiful and weak and deserving of his abuse for being so stupid. He feels far superior to any mere mortal. Don’t let him fool you, he is not lacking in confidence, he feel omnipotent, untouchable, deserving of everything he takes. Yes they are cruel and evil but your love was real and you loved unconditionally with all your heart and with pure intentions based on the image he projected. you can not be held responsible or question yourself because you could love someone like that. Your love was pure and very real. He was a lie.
          The only thing you can be held responsible for, is now, now that you know what you are dealing with, how you handle it from now is your choice. You can choose to continue to be a victim or you can choose to be a survivor and get out and start healing.
          He is a big boy who creates his own turmoil, let him live the consequences of his actions! Even if he wasn’t an N, even with a child, if a parent always cleans up the child’s messes they never learn from their mistakes. Your fiance is a grown man, why are you treating him like a child?
          Have you ever been to counseling for the abuse you suffered as a child? I am not saying it is your fault you were targeted by a narcissist but it does have something to do with it and why we stay. I was raised by a controlling and rather abusive father and I went to years of counseling to deal with my martyrdom. Abuse survivors were raised to ignore their gut instincts, usually have blurred boundaries and a hard time defending the ones they do have, they just want to make everyone happy and everyone to love them; a deadly combination when mixed with a narcissist. Our feelings were ignored as a child so why do we think they would be acknowledged and are valid as adults? It is not a healthy or happy way to live.
          You are wise to concentrate on yourself right now and not want to get involved right away. Yes he will, because all women are interchangeable to him, he does not “love” so it is easy for him to flit from one woman to the next without a backwards glance. Sure he can put on the act and seems so upset when he wants to but the next minute he can be “in love” like never before and you are a psycho bitch. Be prepared for him to blame you for everything and the next woman he is with is going to be the love of his life. It happens 100% of the time, I am not kidding.
          You have the ability to love deeply, you deserve someone who can appreciate that and cherish it. Now is the time to deal with your past hurts and to learn about yourself and appreciate yourself. Set deal breaker boundaries so if you meet another narcissist you will know it and you will know that you are deserving of better treatment. The reason we believe what the narcissist says about us is because for what ever reason, deep down we do believe we are flawed. Everyone has baggage and flaws, no one is perfect and to expect ourselves to be perfect, that there is something wrong with us if everyone doesn’t love us, and we need to heal everyone else is unrealistic.
          A normal healthy man does not want a mother, he wants a partner in life, someone who compliments him not completes him. You can not be responsible for someone else’s happiness. We all have choices and no one can love away our past hurts either. We have to heal ourselves as best we can and be as whole as we can be when we go into a relationship otherwise there is too much crap getting in the way of dealing with the relationship at hand.
          Big hugs
          I know it is hard. Be kind to yourself and choose to be happy, it is possible.
          Carrie

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          1. Yes Carrie my father was a manic depressive and I idealized him being the baby when I was young my mother left him six times before meeting the most beautiful man in my life who has loved me unconditionally as his own for which I was lucky. My father sits in a dark room on serapax huge dosages and hasn’t contacted me for 30 yrs I visit him once or twice a year and I thought I had dealt with the fact he was sick but what I hadn’t dealt with was the feeling of worthlessness he made me feel about myself and when I went to the retreat and finally felt happy that day I felt like I had found myself and I realised all the things in life I had given up I was accepted at uni then at the last minute pulled out my mum and stepfather went sailing when I was 17 for 13 years so I clung onto someone safe and boring and had 3 beautiful children who are all amazing then I divorced amicably married a abuser two weeks after I married him came home to find him in bed with another bloke I lost all my money and lived with 3 kids in the back of my car so have worked 60hrs a week by myself to put them all through private schools and two are at uni the other 18 is creative I suppose protecting them and letting them know they were always loved was my main cause and at Xmas I just broke down which in a way is a good thing because I have retrained and I am opening a new business and for once in my life I am going to believe in myself to be able to suceed at something for myself with no fear the funny thing is I have never needed a man to look after me financially and basically none of them offered anything but grief which I suppose I had felt for my father

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            1. songbird, You are a strong woman!For some reason I thought you must be a lot younger. You certainly have had enough struggles in life and don’t need to be taking this crap from your fiance.
              I can see why you would have abandonment issues with your dad and then your mom and step dad taking off for 13 years when you were still just a kid, 17 is awfully young to be all on your own.
              I have been homeless, with my dog sleeping in my work truck, it was just me and my dog and it was hard, I can’t imagine doing it with 3 children! It sounds to me that you have already proven you are successful.
              They say a person’s personality is formed by the time they are 6 so I can well imagine what you went through with your father being manic and your mom leaving him 6 times, I am sure you felt responsible for trying to make him happy, your mom would have been too consumed with him and the breaking up and making up to provide a very secure home for a young child. I am sorry you had to go through that. My father was always grumpy, everyone walked on egg shells trying not to make him mad. Of course it was always someone else’s fault he was miserable. He was the youngest in his family and catered to by his sisters and mother, who doted on him so he grew up feeling entitled. He did not get out of bed without his coffee brought to him in bed. My whole childhood, if we didn’t bring his coffee fast enough he would yell for it, if it didn’t come then he would punch the wall, then he would get up and stand at the bedroom door and punch the door until he out his fist through it. You would think that by the time he got to the bedroom door he would just go get himself a coffee. Every house we lived in had a calendar pinned to the wall next to his side of the bed and another one covering the hole in the door. I was raised believing I had to cater to men and do whatever it took to make them happy. My dad always screwed around on my mom but he told me I was going to be a better woman than my mom because I was going to be loving to my man and I would never turn him down for sex. Who the hell talks like that to their daughter? I used to lay awake at night listening to my mom crying and my dad telling her he was going to take my brother and leave and turn us kids against her. He told me that is I was good he would send me to boarding school and take my brother and I would never see them again.
              I had major hangups from it, an ulcer at 9, migraines at 10, anorexic from 17 to my late 30’s. I stopped talking to him when I was about 38 and didn’t see him or talk to him for almost 20 years. He recently died but he and I had talked via FB a bit and I had written him a letter a few years back, so I have no guilt about it. My life was so much better when I cut him out of it.
              I went to counselors for years, never admitting that my dad had any doing in my problems, finally I admitted the baggage I was packing from it and I thought I was over it and totally past it all. I had never been in an abusive relationship (except when I was 16 prior to counseling), I made sure I was totally self sufficient because I never wanted to be like my mom and have to be accountable to a man for the money. I bought and sold houses and always was the main wage earner in all my relationships, until I met James.
              When I met James I thought I had finally met my soul mate, I had never liked a guy being too clingy, I was terribly independent but he was so sweet to me I told myself that I had to let my guard down and let a man take care of me or I was going to lose him. I thought he was one of the “good” guys, he was handsome, never been married, no kids, had a great job making good money and he did the sweetest things, flowers for no reason, love notes, nice dinners and we “clicked” we could talk for hours on end, make love 3-4 times a night, he couldn’t get enough of me. About 6 months into the relationship I moved in with him and things started to change but he had lost his job and I made excuses for him. Then we bought a house and that is when it really fell apart and the first time he was physically abusive. I always swore no man would ever hit me or treat me badly, I would just leave but I loved him so much and he seemed so sad and tormented. He would sit for hours staring at the fire or sit up all night on the internet. He would come to bed just in time to get a piece of tail. In the beginning we went to bed together and he had me all night but now I woke up alone in the morning and would cry.
              Like you all of a sudden I could do nothing right, he kept changing the rules, I was confused, I would do exactly what he said he wanted and then he would deny saying it. I even said to him once that he made me feel like I did with my dad when I was a kid and he said, “You think your dad was bad, I am 10 times worse.” It sent chills down my spine.
              The thing with narcissists is they pretend to be so intrigued with you that they want to know everything about you. They share just enough to get you to open up, tell you enough bad stuff about their past to make you think they are being so honest and you are safe being open and honest with them. but they have ulterior motives, they are collecting the info to use against you later, find out your trigger points so they can push them later. Everyone has baggage, some area that they are sensitive about and the N will zero in on it and use it to his advantage.
              I think that possibly you are like me, you have been determined to never need a man and be self sufficient and put on a strong front and made it through some terribly tough times and by the time you met your fiance you were ready to lean on a man a bit, you were sick of holding it together by yourself and you wanted to share your life with someone. You didn’t even realize how much you wanted it until you met him and then you thought God had blessed you with this wonderful man, you could understand him and help him and he would be there for you and it was a fairy tale romance, what movies are made of. Until the mask drops and then you don’t know what hit you and you keep trying to get that sweet man you met back. I thought maybe he had a brain tumor, or was having a nervous break down. How could someone change that much practically over night. And then go back and forth between acting like he loathed me to being so sweet and loving again.
              I had always been told I was too sensitive so when he said I was too sensitive I believed him. Well I don’t have to tell you how it all went down, you have been there.
              The thing with people like us songbird is, we assigned the N the emotions we thought he should be feeling, what we would be thinking if we were sitting for hours alone in the dark. We wouldn’t do that unless we were unhappy, when we love someone we want to be with them so them isolating themselves makes us feel we have done something wrong and we want to fix it. The truth is, they don’t feel like the rest of us, if they spend too much time with us they are afraid we will expect them to show emotion, talk about the future, have a real relationship and they can’t, they can’t keep up the facade. they used up their repertoire of appropriate responses. They have told so many lies they don’t want to get caught. They hate being close to someone, any attempts at closeness is only to gain control over the person.
              For years I thought James was afraid of getting hurt, that when he felt himself falling deeper in love with me he would do something to sabotage the relationship, I thought when he was staring into the fire he was tortured with all these feelings and in fact he was blank. If anything he was plotting how to manipulate me into doing what he wanted.
              He was the happiest when we were fighting, when I was heart broken. He would dump all this venom on me and walk out and go to work and I would be devastated, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t eat or sleep, I would call begging him to not be angry and he would refuse to answer his phone, I would be having panic attacks, pacing, unable to breath and then he would call or come home and act like nothing ever happened. He would be fine and I would be a basket case. I would cry and he would say it broke his heart to see me cry and he would console me, but he was the one who broke my heart.
              He will not break the cycle, as hard as it is to do, you have to safe yourself.
              Sorry this got so long.
              Hugs
              Carrie

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              1. Thank u Carrie having a hard day today panic back it’s horrible what we go through as kids and I feel like the N just brings that whole feeling back and it’s so hard to find your courage again everytime I feel like I am getting ahead I have a terrible day which wipes me out

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                1. Songbird, when you feel a panic attack coming on what do you do? Has your counselor told to do anything to help it to pass? have you tried yoga or meditation? relaxation tapes? Does something imparticular bring them on?

                  Have you tried going for a long walk? taking a long hot bath?

                  When your mind is racing do you talk to yourself and tell yourself that you are ok, some times our mind tells us lies about ourselves and our logical brain needs to override the emotional brain.

                  Panic attacks are very common when a person is involved with a narcissist or after leaving one. They keep the victim on such an emotional roller coaster that the person suffers emotional overload, all they senses are on high alert, not sure what is going to happen next so your whole body prepares for Flight or Fight, your muscles tense up, your heart races, your breathing gets faster and shallower, your body is reacting as if you are in grave danger, your adrenaline is pumping; that is why you feel so wiped out afterwards.

                  If you feel one coming on, taking a brisk walk in the fresh air, taking deep breaths will help calm you down. Cut out caffeine, pop, chocolate, booze (a glass of wine if it relaxes you is ok just don’t get drunk). Write what you are feeling in a journal and let your feelings out. By thinking about it and writing it down it helps you view what you are feeling from a more realistic mind set and not an emotional mindset. Do you know what you are afraid of when you have these attacks, what is going through your mind? If you don’t know then you need to figure it out and journalling might help, or call a friend and talk to her until you figure out what exactly you are afraid of. Once you have figured it out then you can start working on dispelling the fear.

                  Panic attacks are scary but no one ever died of a panic attack, your mind is playing tricks on you and you need to tell yourself that. Getting upset about the fact that you are having a panic attack is only going to make it worse. then you are having a panic attack over having a panic attack. Tell yourself it is normal, because it is, it will pass, and it will, you do not have to DO anything except breath, concentrate on your breaths really get in tune with your body, feel the air going into your lungs and releasing it. If you concentrate just on your breathing, clear your mind of everything except breathing you will find yourself calming down, you have to, you can’t panic and breath slow at the same time,
                  Let me know if anything worked for you
                  I care
                  Carrie

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                2. Thanks Carrie I don’t drink as I walk to thin a line I am on Prozac and Valium which I try to only have Valium if needed . Ok I was feeling better when I was os away from him but now he is a few st away I feel immobilized again it’s so hard to do no contact it’s all games of course while I was away he was loving since I got back he ignored me again then started abusing me I suppose I am asking for it by hoping or having anything to do with him giving up is hard

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                3. Songbird, as long as you have contact with him you will not heal. You can’t wean yourself off of a narcissist, it is all or nothing. From the sounds of it I don’t see that you have many options, in fact I can see two
                  1. You continue just the way you have been and get used to him hurting you, ignoring you, and generally treating you like dog crap on his shoe and eventually he will dump you
                  or
                  2. You go no contact and start to heal
                  There is no “he changes” option, the only changes that will happen will be that the abuse gets worse. How much more can you take? It is up to you to save yourself, to want to be happy. I can spout off a bunch of cliques like “Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior” “A leopard doesn’t change his spots”, “Fool me once shame on you fool me twice, shame on me”, What’s the definition of insanity? “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”
                  No one said it would be easy, what you have to decide is: which is easier, getting your heart broken time after time or starting to heal. It is the sad horrible truth that he is an abusive asshole who is out to destroy you, he does not have the capacity to love anyone. It sucks, it hurts like hell, and every single one of the women who have come in this blog (and I have had over 700,000 hits) has been where you are and we all survived it and many of them are now living happy lives and have not been back in a couple of years. I wish to God I would have left James at any point prior to him dumping me.
                  Do you invest more time into a losing proposition? How much time are you willing to throw away, time you could be spending healing.
                  Why does he live a few streets away? Can you move? I had to change where I did business because James was showing up where I worked, some times we have to take drastic measures to save ourselves.
                  I am here if you want to start healing.
                  But I am not going to try to convince you to leave him, that has to be your choice.
                  Hugs
                  Carrie

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                4. Thanks Carrie I know you are right it’s just that finality of it tell me why don’t I get angry I used too I used to be able to just say go to hell and move on to the next relationship without any real backward glance but I have this ridiculous pull to him where I am constantly thinking of him panicking if If I do go out I stay for a hour and have to get home ?? I have lost my spirit I used to be the life of the party where’s the anger ?

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                5. Songbird, you can’t feel anger because you don’t have it in you. I can’t get really angry with James either, I wish I could, it would have made it a whole lot easier if I could have hated him. I used to get angry with anyone else and I did with him at first, but I have always been the kind of person to not hold a grudge also. I don’t hate anyone and it hurts like hell to be hated with such intensity by the N. It still does, I can not comprehend how he can hate me with such loathing and with such a vengeance that he wants to destroy any hope I have of ever having a secure future.
                  You panic because that is what your brain is trained to do. That is the way it was with the N, you never felt at ease when you were away, always anxious to get home because he might be angry or trying to get hold of you or whatever. They occupied our minds 24/7 and they liked it that way. It is going to take time to break those default reactions and emotions. REad the articles on brainwashing they will help explain what you are dealing with.
                  The N break your spirit, it will mend, you are expecting to bounce right back from a terribly traumatic experience, give yourself time. How long has it been? a few days? Come on!! if you weren’t having adverse reactions I would be concerned. This is all normal. You have been abused for 5 years, do you really think you are going to be the life of the party right now? Have you ever broken up with any one before? not a narcissist, just any other guy. Did you “just bounce right back” and go on like nothing ever happened? I would assume you are a normal person who when they lose the person they loved suffers, cries, is depressed, certainly they are not the life of the party. I know I certainly wasn’t.
                  Give yourself a break!
                  Hugs
                  Carrie

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  3. Thanks Carrie it’s funny looking back there were so many signs and warnings so many friends said don’t go there or when I told people who I was seeing they said oh I just always get a weird feeling off him …. I suppose when ur own brother is terrified of u scared of your cruelty And anger something is terribly wrong but at least now so many of our joint friends have seen his behaviour when I tried to od and have agreed he needs help its funny he doesn’t have many friends and the ones he has just laugh behind his back at him yet he needs to try to make out they all bitch about me yet here they are all calling to help me like u say it’s projecting his crap on me his daughter seemed to quieten down once she hit 18 and basically he couldn’t tell her what to do although she does have to do all the housework while he sits in his brothel of a room watching crap tv she seems to just go out a lot and uses him when she needs funny when I met him at 14 she said ignore him he hates it it will take a couple of days and he will come back grovel ing funny how kids learn how to adapt to situations to protect themselves and manipulate I imagine her abuse will show later in life and she too will not cope with love. Tell me why does he sit in his room in the dark constantly he is always lethargic always sick apparently he has been doing this for twenty years he doesn’t sound like these boasting N but then again he does put on a happy front when he does have to see his family etc it’s really quite pathetic to watch and in a social situation he is uncomfortable unless he has cocaine in his system which is rarely he did stop smoking pot a 25yr habit which I thought would help with the anger and paranoia but he said its like he then felt all the pain he had held down for so long but has stayed off it. Could he feel that bad that his bed and being alone is his safety ???

    Like u said I think he enjoys his pain his misery keeps him company my therapist said its like he throws all the bad feelings about himself stuffs them into his leg cuts it off throws it at me and expects me to carry it around for him it’s exhausting .

    His mother is one of those “perfect mothers” who knows everything all the kids are 40 no one has ever owned a house I have owned three his dream is to own a farm my dream to last year I inherited some money we found a farm I offered to put down half in deposit and we would take a mortgage together for the rest should be a exciting time and offer but his mother just turned on me in front of him with all these belittling comments about it I couldn’t believe it it’s like she would hate to see him get ahead I was so upset I just left said I need to go my parents would of been so happy for us I asked why he didn’t stand up for me or himself and he said I am used to it that is what she always does… His mother seems to cause problems in everyone’s marriage always bagging out the spouse and praising her own and she is 70? But is lovely to your face my therapist said he wants his mother to love him or at least own up to the way she made him feel so worthless but she can’t because it would take too much to admit yet his father is a gorgeous guy although totally under the thumb and I don’t believe he saw the way he was treated because he was at work. Sometimes I see his father in him a beautiful side which doesn’t last. His younger brother apparently was the good one because he worked out that by being the good one doing the washing etc the other two would cop it he is the brother who is scared off my N and his anger his wife is lovely and when I have talked to her she see s the. Way the mother treats everyone but says she doesn’t do it to her because her husband wouldn’t allow it and she knows it what a sad way to be a family pretending I went to the mother 3yrs ago asking to help my N as I was dealing with his depression in bed at least 16hrs a day his pot smoking rage and trying to help his daughter who was being abused I laid no blame just said this is the situation I am concerned and not coping u need to help him and she shut her door on me told me to fuck off?? Who does that to their child it’s seriously wrong. My mum and stepfather have 6 kids and we have all fucked up at times nothing terrible but we can talk honestly to them and know they will always tell us the truth not sweet talk things but give us a kick up the arse if we need it tell us to wake up to ourselves but there is always understanding and support .

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