It’s Been About A Month Since My Last Update

I am not even sure where I left you all with my last update. Things have kinda gone down the toilet lately.

I think I mentioned that i managed to get into a “introduction to Counseling” course and had worked out payment to be an exchange of yard work or something. I went to one class and thoroughly enjoyed it! Everyone was so friendly, most of them were drug and alcohol counselors, I was the only one who wasn’t a counselor already. i thought I might feel uncomfortable but everyone was so welcoming. I was the only one there who was interested in getting into working with victims of abuse and one woman came up to me and said how glad she was I was in the class because she was excited to see what I could had to the class being that I was into a different area of counseling than everyone else. Apparently the fellow teaching the course is very highly thought of in the industry and truly walks the walk and isn’t just all words. He has helped a lot of people, goes above and beyond what is required (obviously because he was willing to barter with me) Well it turns out he had a small stroke about a month prior to the course starting, he was fine the first night but the second night he was totally disoriented and couldn’t remember what we had discussed just the day before. We didn’t even get into the class and he said he didn’t think he could continue. A couple of the guys helped him get into his bedroom where he could lay down.

I volunteered to do up a phone list and emailed it to everyone and a couple of days later I got a call from the teacher saying the class was postponed indefinitely. I am concerned for his health and totally understand but I was very disappointed at the same time.

I was called into the welfare office a couple of weeks ago because they said I hadn’t submitted all my medical forms and I had, I tried calling at least 8 times and it was always a busy signal so I drove down there and told them I had brought them in. I stood there while the woman went through them all when I first dropped them off. In fact I am pretty sure it was the same woman. She insisted they weren’t there but eventually found them on the computer and read it through and told me that she didn’t think I would be approved for disability because I can walk, dress myself and feed myself. I told her I want to work. She seemed surprised. I told her I have been applying for jobs, I took the 3 weeks course required to get into the course for getting funding to go back to school. She asked me what I want to go to school for and when I told her about the blog and I want to help victims of abuse she just lit right up. She got me an appointment for the course (which is still 2 weeks away) I went down to the office anyway and they told me that it is very unlikely I will get in for Sept school start. They are short staffed and there are a lot of hoops to jump through and red tape. That was very disappointing because I have been applying for jobs but there are certain courses they all want one of which is Non-violent conflict resolution and First Aid. I have had my first aid but it has expired.

If I don’t get disability and I am not going to school I have to live on $610 a month, which is impossible. I thought I could do it for a couple of months but any longer and I will be out on the street living in my car.

My car insurance came up and I had an outstanding speeding ticket from a year ago that I had to pay, air care, etc and that came to over $400. I made a deal with the owner of the cabin that I would do her yard work because her and her husband are at the home in PEI until October and they reduced my payment to $400 a month, until they get back or the place sells. If the place sells before I get more money I am really up shit creek. I will end up in my car or in a boarding house and that means getting rid of Stella and my stuff. It means existing not living and I am just not prepared to lose everything again. A bedroom in a house is $400/month and that doesn’t include food. No one can live on that.

Everything is behind, I owe for electricity, my cell phone is going to be disconnected, my house insurance payment bounced, and I have $85/month car insurance. I mean Stella goes through $50 a month in food. When you only have a $110 after paying rent, well you don’t have to be a mathematician to figure out why I am not making it.

They told me that I could make up to $200 a month and it would not be deducted from my cheque so I wasn’t concerned when I filled out my report card and put the $134 down as income from ads on the blog. They deducted it dollar for dollar off my cheque. So instead of $610 on my last cheque I got $473. So much for being honest, that is the last time.

I am going to go in and fight it. I can not believe they did that. It really makes a person wonder why they bother, and it proves once again that a woman in an abusive relationship is going to stick it out as long as she can because she doesn’t want to starve to death and has kids to feed.

I have been depressed I have to admit. How long does a person struggle. I was determined to just go get a job, any job and to hell with school or my health but I can’t do it.

Twice now I have had a scary thing happen and I am going to have to go to the doctor about it. I don’t know if it is stress and my heart or if it is over working my neck. Both times it has happened I was stressed out and the first time I had worked really hard the day before doing yard work. That time I got up in the morning and felt fine, sat on the couch for a few minutes, checked my email and then decided to make coffee. I reached up to get the coffee down from an upper cupboard and my right arm wouldn’t move. I had to lift it with my left arm and then I couldn’t grasp the coffee container. When I let my arm go it just dropped to my side like dead weight. I talked to myself and said, “What the hell.” and then realized my face felt funny. I ran in the bathroom thinking maybe I had a stroke in the middle of the night but my face was ok. I tried to just relax and do some deep breathing because I was getting very anxious. After about 1/2 hour my arm was fine and it has been fine ever since.

Then yesterday I was doing the yard work at my  landlords and had been working quite hard in the yard, their place is shaded and I waited until evening so it was cooler but it was still quite hot to work. I had been pulling weeds and was sweeping the driveway when all of a sudden the broom wasn’t sweeping. It was kinda just flopping around. I was confused, I looked at the broom trying to figure out what was wrong with it and then I realized I was only hanging onto it with my left hand. My right hand was hanging dead at my side. I tried to lift it and had no control over it. I had thought I had both hands on the broom. I could feel my hand hitting my leg on my  leg but I could not feel my hand at all.

I got really freaked out again and had to force myself to not panic. I went and sat down for about 1/2 hour and then it was ok again. I felt weak in the legs but I am not sure if that was just because I was panicked.

It could be stress causing it, or my neck, I was told 20 years ago that I was lucky to not be in a wheelchair and when my neck is out my arms will go numb but my neck doesn’t feel out, I have no pain and usually if my neck is out I can’t sleep for the pain. I have gotten pretty good at knowing exactly what I can and can’t do with regards to my neck so have been pain free for quite a few years. But I have been under a lot of stress over money, the house being for sale, James’s blog, (which I really try to ignore but it is so wrong and unfair of him it burns my butt to not do something about it) . I have thought that I was dealing with everything really well, just believing that things will work out but I keep getting deeper and deeper and just don’t see how I am going to ever dig my way out.

On a brighter note James’s step dad called me again a few nights ago to see how I am doing. I really appreciate how he has kept in touch with me. I never call him, its James’s family and I don’t want anyone to think I am calling to get info on him. Mind you ever since James and I first split up I told his step dad that I didn’t want to hear anything about James because it hurt too much and his step dad has never mentioned his name again. I really appreciate that he respected my request and still calls just to see how I am doing.

I still love the lake and Stella is getting bigger by the day and such a blessing, everyone loves her to pieces. I wish my camera was working, I would love to post some pics of her. She loves the water but still has not tried to swim so I was throwing the ball in the water farther and farther out until it was over her head thinking she would start to swim without really thinking about it. Well the little bugger, I am watching her and yep, she jumped in and was over her head and instead of swimming she went under, I was just getting up  to go rescue her because I thought,” My God I thought all dogs could swim!!” when I notice realized what she was doing. When she realized she was in over her head she dove down to the bottom and walked out with the ball in her mouth.!! She was completely submersed, not even her tail sticking out of the water! She got on shore and shook off and never missed a beat, brought me the ball to throw it again.

Well, that is it for what is going on in my corner of the world. If anyone can help out with any kind of donation I would be forever grateful, I hate to ask, but I am at the end of my rope.

Thanks you to all who have donated throughout the past year or so, it seems something comes through right when I need it the most, you are angels and to those who can’t afford it I totally understand, we are all struggling and I don’t want anyone to feel pressured.

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21 thoughts on “It’s Been About A Month Since My Last Update

  1. Carrie I feel so sorry about your suffering. I have lived in the USA and I just lived in constant worry about health insurance. Is there a possibility you could manage without your car? I don’t know the cost of public transport v your own car though. I live in England and have about the same income as you and I manage ok. Thank goodness I don’t pay a penny for prescriptions, insurance or any medical treatment because of our NHS service. When I came back to England I learned to appreciate our health service, which isn’t perfect but at least it’s free. I am 64 now so I also get a free pass for use on buses. I have around £500 a month income and live in a rented 2 bedroom semidetached house (condo?) with a big garden. I also have 75% of my rent paid by the local council. I liked USA but I think I made the right decision to move back to England, financially at least. Even though my income doesn’t allow for luxuries I feel so lucky after reading your blog today. I truly hope things soon get better for you.

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    • Kathleen I am in Canada, about an hour east of Vancouver. I get my prescriptions paid for, thank God because i could never afford them and the hospital bills ………well I would be dead for sure.
      But 500 pounds would be about $1100 Canadian or $600 Canadian would work out to $327 in pounds. I am very lucky to have this place to live for $500 a month. Rent for a one bedroom usually run about $650/month. A bedroom in a rooming house with a shared bathroom and you share the kitchen is at the very least $400/month, more if you live in Vancouver. In Vancouver 2 people in a 150 sq ft room costs over $550- $600 and you don’t have a bathroom or kitchen and there is no sound barrier. the hookers and drug addicts fight in the hallways, there are bed bugs, and cockroaches I would rather be homeless.
      If you live in Vancouver the transit is fantastic, a lot of people don’t have cars because it is so expensive for insurance in the city and parking costs a fortune. From the center of Vancouver for about a 35 km radius the transit is great!! sky train, buses, its easy to get anywhere you need to go. But outside that radius the transit is deplorable. I live about 75 km out of Vancouver and the nearest bus stop is about 3 km away and it only comes a few times a day.
      If I do get funding to go to school or get a job i have to have a car.
      I only paid $400 for my car last year and it is cheap to insure compared to other vehicles. Insurance in BC is very expensive. I have my full safe drivers discount and get 43% discount off my premium and still pay almost $100 a month. for a 1995 Saturn, no collision on it and for pleasure use only. If I start working I have to pay more.
      When James and I were together I had to insure all his vehicles because he couldn’t afford to insure them. He had a couple of accidents and his insurance was PLUS 43%, he was paying something like $500 a month.
      I am very lucky where i live the lady behind me brings me fresh fruit and vegetables every week, without her I don’t know what I would do. I am supposed to be on a special diet because of my heart and it is impossible. What are your groceries like there? Here we pay $4 for a loaf of bread, $5 for a doz eggs, $5 for a pack of wieners of all things! that;;s the jigh quality wieners mind you, the ones that contain meat of some sort.
      when I was raising my son years ago, I had a really good job and made excellent money and I used to have a deep freezer and stock pile when things were on sale. I would buy 1/4 of a cow and 1/2 a pig and it was great. But now I have a small fridge and can’t do that. It is always cheaper to buy in bulk.
      Thanks for your suggestions but not really feasible for me. I do appreciate the concern though.

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    • Petra thank you so much, I am sure they will, I try to stay positive.
      I made an appointment to see the doctor this Wednesday. this is concerning for me. I think more than dying i am afraid of being a burden to my family and not having a fully functioning body. I am so used to be totally self sufficient and always being able ti make it through just by working hard.
      When my son was wee my car broke down and the bank let me finance a new one but I didn’t like having that extra payment every month. I worked full time in an office making good money but took a paper route to cover the extra loan payment. I have alway done yard work on the side or something to bring money in so this is very out of character for me. But I always pushed myself so hard too and i think God is making me take care of myself now, I can’t push myself like I used to.

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  2. Dear Carrie,
    it seems that it’s always the best people who are having the hardest time.
    As to your arm and legs – something similar happened to me during my divorce 15 years ago. I lost control over my hands for some time – could no longer use knife and fork properly due to emotional stress. My hands just went either stiff as a board or floppy. I also had trouble walking. After the divorce was finalized I was fine and have not had any trouble ever since. After half my body went numb one morning I had an MRI done – nothing. Stress related. I do hope that’s all you are suffering from.
    Thinking of you

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    • Liselotte, that makes me feel a bit better, thanks. Stress can do all kinds of weird and wonderful things to a person’s body. Both times it happened I was really stressed and had been working really hard also, so it could be either one of several things. Both times it was so weird because i thought I was holding something and then wasn’t, it’;s such a shock to look down and your arm is just hanging there and no matter how hard you try to move it it just flops around. Very scary. thanks for the info, it made me feel a bit better, I am pretty sure it must be stress but I will get it checked out anyway.

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  3. Forgot to mention it: have you tried the “kickstarter” program online? It’s for people with good ideas and little or no money to finance them. Check it out. A friend of mine financed his concert trip to Europe with donations from kickstarter . When he returned to the US, he sent every donor a free video of his tour. I hope, this helps a bit.

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    • Liselotte, I checked out the kickstarter program and that is a great thing!! I definitely am going to do something there and am quite excited about it/. I am already starting on it and will give more info when I have it all in place.
      Thank you so much for the suggestion!! I am excited.

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      • Woohoo!I am keeping my fingers crossed for you biiig time! And yes, please. Do keep me informed about the kickstarter.
        Also – I remember when I went through the crazy divorce hell and my nerves started acting up, I used to drop things, ran into walls, had trouble walking due to numb feet, and developed migranes so severe that I basicall lived at the ER.
        But just to be safe – have yourself checked out.
        Liselotte

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  4. Dear Carrie,

    America is so hard I wish you could move to australia we so need people who understand narcissim here you could move in with me and my dog and kick my arse everytime I make contact with N. We are very lucky here all of our medical is free and prescriptions are $3 if you are on benefits! I like the idea above surely could you not approach a female brand that supports women and show them the amazing work you do through your blog. My daughter works in journalism here and I know her pr company pays bloggers with a following 5000 for a couple of lines about there products? What you are doing for all of us is priceless, it’s valuable and surely someone will see the value in your market??? Sending big love and hugs from oz

    Jules x

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    • Songbird, I would love to live in Australia! I hear it is beautiful. Mind you it is beautiful here too. I am only an hour out of Vancouver on the West coast of Canada. I have always loved it here but the cost of living is very high, even higher the closer you get to Vancouver. But I do have my medical paid for while I am on welfare. if a person is working they pay quite high premiums, they charge on a graduating scale based on how much you make. All my drugs are paid for. But we have very high taxes, and the cost of living is the highest in all of Canada even Toronto is lower.That’s why we have such a homeless problem. The government cut back on everything, closed mental institutions and just put people out on the street who couldn’t care for themselves, old people who have no where to go and not enough money to rent a place. We have people who have full time jobs that are homeless. THAT is not right.
      But you know if I was the drug addict that James says I am I would get more money every month, a lot more, almost double because i would be declared disabled right from the start I wouldn’t need to jump through a million hoops. Plus I would not be expected to work but if I did I could make $800 a month before they deducted it from my monthly cheque.
      Tell me how that is fair. I don’t begrudge the drug addicts welfare but damn it, I get penalized and i have worked my whole life except for the years I was with James, never collected welfare. It really pisses me off.
      But it is a nice thought and I would probably take you up on the offer if I could. Maybe I should travel the world as a “no contact” coach. I would move right in and make damn sure there was no contact!
      hugs
      Carrie

      Liked by 1 person

      • Carrie,

        U made me laugh u could charge a fortune being a no contact coach !!! Honestly think about it what you are doing for all of us is beautiful and I truly believe u could get a company to support your blogging . Ps no contact for 4 days and now the tables have turned he is the one sounding desperate started with abuse accusations now getting please I am worried about u. I hate to admit it but it feels good to know he is probably panicking a dose of his own medicine . I can not thank you enough for your advice I have been going back and forth for past four years but I have had enough didn’t even react to the old I am so sick I need u one xxx

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        • Songbird, Good for you!! 4 days no contact, more now I hope!!? The longer you go the easier it gets and after a while when you get the urge to contact him you will remember that every time you do you end up hurt again and when you don’t talk to him you actually are happier. Then you get to the point of being afraid of seeing him or talking to him because you know he will do or say something hurtful.
          If you could not even read his messages you would feel even better because he is going to keep sending them, trying different approaches hoping to hit on the right one to make you doubt yourself.
          The big thing for him right now is not that he is missing you but he is losing control and they hate to lose control, if they aren’t controlling you, if you aren’t consumed with what they are doing etc then you might actually heal and move on, or tell someone how horrible they are.
          They have to keep the victim, weak, broken and obsessing about them in order to control their orchestrated life, and he likes to keep all ex’s within easy reach in case he needs them for something in the future.
          I have a plan I am quite excited about and will do a post about it as soon as I have a few minutes I want to have the wheels in motion before I say anything and will have to choose my words carefully so as not to alert James so he can’t sabotage this for me too.
          Good to hear you are getting stronger, keep looking forward to the light. With every step you are getting closer to the life you deserve.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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          • Hey Carrie I finally after six months got into a pyschiatrist and was diagnosed with ptsd I have new medication and I feel amazing!! Luck me again I am opening my own shop which is amazing considering the last 9 mths I haven’t been able to get out of bed…. It’s been 3mths no contact I still have days where I wish he was here so I could share my plans then I realise I would never be in this position if I was with him he would of wrecked it for me before I started I do miss him but I am no longer being obsessed with thoughts of him I am more obsessed with my plans at last and it feels wonderful thank you so much for all your help and to everyone else in this site good luck there is light at the end of the tunnel if u choose it

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          • It’s been four months no contact and I was doing really well and this week it just hit me again and I miss him I am scared I know he isn’t off out he’s just at home depressed but I always thought we had a bond. It’s so hard when u break up with someone after 6years because u are a nervous wreck and try to commit suicide and they reverse there car out and leave u there in a car alone when u have taken pills then u never hear from then again feeling worthless and like I am never going to be happy was doing so well disappointed in myself have been diagnosed with ptsd pyschiatrist says he was at the pyscopath end of narcissim and narcisst is too nice a word! So been on fantastic meds for two months was feeling fab but just started waking with dread again and thinkin off him and panicking

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          • Carrie,

            Well it’s been nearly six months and I have only run into him once and he was cordial and we have only msg a couple of times I truly felt like I was getting there … Then last week he moved house and I have fallen apart because it truly feels like it’s over again and at least before I knew where he was next door to my brother I have just dropped in a heap and am waking with dread again why

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  5. Hi Carrie,

    Sorry I thought you were in the USA. Maybe we just assume everything is from there I don’t know. Iooked up the exchange rate and found £1 = $1.83 Canadian dollars. So £500 = $915 at today’s rate. My rent is £340 = $620. But I don’t live in the city, which would be too expensive for me. Like I say I have a semidetached 2 bedroomed house with a big garden so I suppose I’m lucky. Groceries are quite a bit cheaper here on the ones you asked about anyway. A loaf of bread (800g large) is .47p = 86c, 15 eggs cost me £1.35 = $2.47 and wieners I think are a type of sausage – 1 lb pork sausages cost me .66p = $1.20. You can get better quality but that’s what I pay! Yes, you’re better off keeping the car as it’s quite cheap to run and will be very convenient for you. Hopefully things will improve and you’ll get a job. That lady is so nice to give you the fruit and veg. See – there are nice people in the world after all. Good luck.

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  6. My dear sweet lady:

    You help so many people and I’m so sorry to hear of such things going on in your life. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know how appreciated you are and I’m sure things will turn around.

    Michele

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  7. Dearest Carrie. I wish with all my heart I had the finances to help you during what reads as an incredibly difficult (to say the least) situation you are placed in. It may not mean much, but your support and decision to have made this blog is truly worth all the gold and riches in this world. I honestly believe that something more could be made of it for you and am hopeful that shall happen! 🙂 if ever anything I could assist with in that respect or anything else please know I would do my best to offer support to you.
    It’s pretty expensive to live here in the UK and I’m just getting by what with living in a city. But actually having my own space is worth the lack of money were I to move back with family for example. That reads awful, as I love my family! But what I mean is that having to struggle a bit I guess has made me a much stronger person.
    Am truly saddened by your health. I do hope you get some answers regarding that soon. My mother had a situation years ago whereby she lost sensation in her arm. She still gets it some days. Like pins and needles and movement becomes restricted. This seemed to manifest due to extreme stress. Sadly her high anxiety and depression mean that she still isn’t quite convinced about what happened. But she has had all the tests I suspect imaginable to try and ascertain what it was. Some health professionals suggested a t.i.a. Whereas others completely dismissed that. She has nerve damage on her neck and while I’m no medical professional, I suspect this has equated to affecting the rest of her body; heightened all the more during times of stress (sadly most of the time with my mum). She has physio which I appreciate is a luxury for many. But then I know myself how severe stress can affect the body. I had symptoms I’d never experienced before during my times with my N. Hallucinations, uncontrollable shaking, rapid breathing.. The list is endless. The impact that the mind can have physiologically is quite substantial. But those symptoms have since subsided as am no longer in a situation of extreme stress.
    I loved reading about Stella’s recent swimming lesson! 😉 My friend had a dog who learned to swim at a much older age and while it took some doing (a dog life jacket was involved!) she grew to love it. Animals are such a tonic to be around. Something I miss with having a flat. But thankfully have lots of friends and family with furry companions so can get my fix! 🙂
    Tomorrow is my birthday.. 30! Hah! See it as a fresh page in my life to start anew. 🙂 I don’t think I would have been feeling such things had it not been for your website Carrie. As corny as it may read you have been the best birthday wish I could have granted. Thank you. Sending you love and hugs from across the puddle. X x x 🙂

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    • Tifa, thank you, you are a sweet heart. I am already on the upswing, some angels have helped me out plus I have some plans I am putting into place that I am quite excited about and will do a post later when I have time. I have a doctors appt this afternoon but I really do think it is stress related, maybe my neck getting tense and putting the spine out and pinching a nerve. It doesn’t take much to put my neck out and just because I have never had this exact thing happen I have had my neck severely affect my hands and arms before it was just really painful and when this happens there is NO feeling whatsoever which kinda scares me more. But no chest pain so I don’t think it is my heart. From the sounds of the comment here it is probably stress. A killer none the less.
      Thank you so much for the love and hugs. I am truly so pleased I have been of some help to you starting your life anew, it makes what I went through all worth while.
      I will be posting soon with an update.
      HugsCarrie

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