Reality Check

life-is-not-a-fairy-tale-or-a-bed-of-roses-aarti-khurana

Ok, he has discarded you and you are heartbroken, the 3 W’s plague you,

what, when and why; the love of your life has discarded you and is now madly and passionately in love with someone else and loathes you.

How did you go from being the woman he waited his whole life for, the woman who showed him what true, unconditional love was all about, to the psycho bitch he now claims you to be?

You remember the day it all flipped and things started to spiral down into a dark abyss you couldn’t claw your way out of, it was like an alien force pulling you down, down, down suffocating the life out of you and he held the rope you were clinging to and only he had the power to save you but he just laughed and told you it was your own fault.

You torture yourself thinking of how you could have changed the outcome of the best thing that ever happened to you turning into the most horrific soul crushing experience of your life. What could you have done to save the relationship and his love?

You are consumed with self doubt, what if’s, if only’s and what does she have that you don’t?

How will you survive this? you can’t stand the thought that it is all your fault that you are not going to grow old with the love of your life, the man you sacrificed everything for. Logic tells you that it is over, there is no point in ruminating about what you could have done differently, it won’t change things now, he has moved on. But you can’t sleep at night, how will you avoid it happening again?

In past relationships you came away with some lessons learned. He admits to some of the blame and you can see where you could improve. In the past when serious relationships failed I could look back and see where I was wrong, maybe I was too inflexible, or too demanding and he drank too much or whatever the reasons were for the relationship to fall apart.

Whatever differences the two of you had you know how to avoid them now. We come away smarter and more self aware. But with the narcissist you have nothing concrete, he doesn’t tell you why he thinks you are a paranoid psycho except to say that is what drove him into another woman’s arms; but he made you the paranoid psycho bitch by screwing around., It is a vicious circle that can’t be solved without him admitting to some fault which will never happen so there you are,

unable to sleep another night wondering how you could have changed things and how the hell can you ever trust yourself to love again when you don’t know what went wrong this time.

Let’s look at what he is saying and what you could have done to make it better.

The bullshit sandwich he forces down your throat – It is your fault that he cheated on you; if you wouldn’t have always been angry or crying he would have wanted to come home.

Ok, if you are really generous in the understanding department, which we all know we are, that is fair.

We all know that most moral, committed people who love someone usually leave the relationship prior to looking for love elsewhere and if they have, when confronted about it; would admit it and not deny it so vehemently.

But lets look at why you were angry and crying;

– because you discovered personal ads?

– he stopped coming home at night?

– he pulled disappearing acts for days with no explanation where he had been and he refused to answer his phone?

– because you have been faithful to him for years and he brought you home an STD?

– Because he stole money from you?

Word Salad he tries to feed you – Yes, he was cheating BUT only because you didn’t trust him anyway so he thought he might as well cheat because you were thinking he was.

If you are anything like me, you trusted him explicitly until he proved he was untrustworthy and you didn’t accuse him of cheating until you had proof because you would never wanted to believe he would cheat and you didn’t want to falsely accuse him. Even when you did have proof you still gave him a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance and he never once tried to prove to you he could be trusted, only turned it back on you for not trusting him. Saying things like:

– I can’t believe you snooped on me! How could you do that? I trusted you!

– How could you phone her? I had her number that doesn’t mean I was going to call and now you have made it into a big deal and I have to talk to her. ( yeah my ex actually said that when I found a picture beside the computer of a beautiful young teenager and called the phone number he had scrawled across the paper. I got the girl’s mother who said her daughter had been using her cell phone and must have been goofing around. I informed her that her 17 year old daughter had been talked to my 40 year old common law husband. She laughed, stupid bitch)

– When do I have time to cheat? (all those times you disappear without answering your phone, when you take your cell phone in the bathroom with you, when your phone rings and you look at the call display and take the call in another room or don’t answer and then text message someone, when you sit up all night on dating sites)

– I can’t handle you, why would I want two women? (To feed your insatiable need for admiration and attention?)

– So NOW you are accusing me of cheating? What next? I can’t believe you! you really need help!

Notice something?  not once did he give proof of his faithfulness, all he did was turn it back on you, put you on the defensive, made you sound like a psycho bitch.

Narcissists usually give a general statement on most things, like you are a psycho, paranoid, bitch that made his life hell. But if you ask him to tell you exactly what you did to deserve that description he won’t give you a straight answer. He will saying something like. “If I have to tell you that just shows how out of touch with reality you really are, or how sick you are or how self centered you are

It’s the same with the new woman. He has met the woman of his dreams, she is nothing like you, and she is his soul mate. Ask him exactly what he loves about her and watch him stutter and stammer as he tries to come up with something. Most of us can write a laundry list of reasons why we love someone.

I used to ask my ex why he loved me and he couldn’t come up with anything specific, just that he loved me. In his blog recently he was expounding on what he loves about his new woman, – she is handy with her hands, she is frugal, she has good ideas once in awhile, she listens to him talk about his day and she gets his jokes. Also everything good in his life comes from loving her and her loving him. (Everything as in; a Harley, his mobile shop, his new shop he is building, a roof over his head). Nice.

He says he is free to be himself with her- yet he bitches that she is inflexible, lacking spontaneity, is too organized, too emotional, too demanding and wants him to change almost everything about himself. So which is it?

It is no different with her than it was with you, he loves her when it convenient to him ie: when he wants to hurt you or when he wants to convince other people that it was all your fault.

I remember in the beginning when he started acting like he hated me he would deny it, saying I was being too sensitive. I went to my best friend at the time who knew us both and told her how I was feeling, she told me what she thought would make me feel better and what she saw with her own eyes, that he loved me. He talked about me all the time, bragged about my cooking and skills around the house, she saw him bringing home flowers. She confirmed what he was saying. I was being too sensitive.

So the boundaries get blurry, it is just a feeling, but it isn’t just a feeling because when you are alone he acts like he hates you. It eats away at your self esteem and it makes you doubt your natural gut instincts that tell you when you are in the company of someone who is insincere and does not have your best interests at heart.

You were a healthy person trying to have a healthy relationship with an anomaly. How can you possibly be your true loving self if you never know who you are with? If you are loving he pulls away, if you are distance he calls you cold. But you kept trying didn’t you? you tried everything but nothing worked.

When I was plagued with self doubt and tormented with thoughts of how happy he was with the new woman and how he felt it was all my fault the relationship didn’t last I stopped the craziness by looking at the whole 10 years with honest eyes. I forgave his infidelity, I gave him my trust right from the beginning, I did not become suspicious until he gave me reason to be suspicious and even then I gave him the benefit of doubt. I tried to discuss things calmly and rationally but he would twist my words, I tried writing letters hoping it would allow me to express myself without him interrupting me but either he didn’t even acknowledge receiving the letter or I got a scathing letter pointing out all my fault. I stopped reacting when he didn’t come home at night; he just stayed out later and got meaner and I sunk deeper into despair and insecurity. I realized there was nothing I could have done differently.

If I was such a horrible person he should have left me and stayed away. If he wanted other women he should have stayed away instead of coming to me in tears, apologizing for the personal ads and promising me he had taken his ad down and telling me I was all the woman he would ever want or need.

I am sorry, the only time “she is a psycho bitch that made my life hell” is an acceptable excuse for having an affair is if you were treating him like he treated you.

If anyone deserved to have an affair; it is YOU. 

If he was that miserably unhappy he should not have taken more money from you, made it impossible for you to get a job and be self sufficient, begged you back time after time, or told you that you were crazy to think he didn’t love you. He should have been a man and left you, for good, no hoovering, no text messages.

When my ex said, “Of course I screwed around with other women, look who I had to live with, a psycho bitch who made my life hell.”

I said, “Is that what you tell your friends? and they think that is ok? how do you explain coming to me begging me to take you back?”

He didn’t have a reply.

What we all have to face is the ugly truth; that they are bullshitters who don’t have a clue what love is, how to treat people with respect or even what is acceptable in the eyes of society. They survive by using smoke and mirrors, lying and manipulation, in other words they fuck with the person’s head.

fairytale

How do you fall in love again? very easily, but slowly. You don’t have to change, you always were fine, You don’t want to become what the narcissist wanted because that is unhealthy and just plain weird. Be the person you have always been but just make sure the person you are falling in love with is who he says he is and that takes time.

No rocket science necessary, no secret formula, no earth shaking revelations. Be yourself and take things slow. 

After all, what is the rush? If it is true love and he is who he says he is then time will only make it better. And you have the time to see if he is who he says he is. It doesn’t mean you are cynical or that the romance has to leave the relationship, in fact it gives more room for romance and learning about each other.

I think what we have to wonder about is; why are we in such a rush to live together? get married, have babies? be part of a couple?

I think we are afraid that if we take it slow we might find out things we don’t like about him and our fairytale romance balloon will burst. Yep, you are right, that might happen but isn’t that better than giving him a bunch of money,moving in together, allowing him to control your friendships and what you wear and where you go and when? Isn’t it better to wait and be in your own place when you find out he is a fraud? And if he isn’t a fraud he will appreciate taking it slow and not feeling like you are picking out the wedding dress after dating for a month.

Why do women especially feel they have to commit totally on the first date? why do they think they have to hand over money to a virtual stranger. Yes, I get it, you are a caring person and you do nice things for people you care about, I get all that and I am not asking you to become a cold hard money grubbing gold digger, I am asking you to not be a doormat, be smart, value yourself enough that you don’t feel you  have to buy a man’s affection. I tell you honestly, I wish to God I would not have moved in with him as quickly as I did and I wish I would have stood my ground the first time I said I was out of there.

The reason I moved in? We lived an hours drive away from each other and he wanted to see me all the time. I was sick of driving back and forth all the time, I was paying a mortgage on a place and I was never there so I thought I would move in with him for the summer and rent out my cottage at the lake by the week and make some money. My mom held the mortgage and sold the place out from under me because she didn’t like the idea. I got my nose out of joint and thought it would work out. When I realized a month later I had made a mistake, the cottage was gone and I thought I might as well give him a second chance because I had no where to go and no furniture. I could have rented a place and moved out but I thought, I am here now might as well stick it out. Little did I know what the next 10 years would be like.

All I ask of anyone who is trying to heal from the trauma of being with a narcissist is this, keep your feet and head grounded in reality, trust the next man is healthy enough to stick around for a year or two while you get to know each other. So many woman come in here, still in love or obsessed with their ex N and already married with children to a different man. Take time to heal.

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29 thoughts on “Reality Check

  1. I disagree with the suggestion to be the person you have always been. If there is a pattern of being attracted to narcissists, psychopaths and other cluster b personalities, it would be better to ask the help of mental heath professionals and try to find out why you end up in abusive relationships. It could be repressed childhood abuse. Unless you deal with the primal source of pain nothing will change.

    Liked by 1 person

    • narcopathcrusher, when I say be the person you are and take your time; that would require a person with childhood issues to deal with them because they have issues from childhood preventing them from being their true selves. The reason they rush into romances is because they believe lies they have been told about themselves at some point in their life. We all have things we have been told about ourselves that are either factual or lies, we have to do a deep honest inventory of who we really are; sorting through what is fact and what is fiction and then deciding what we should own and what was never ours to own in the first place. When we are confident in who we are we accept our slight “flaws” as being our unique personality and love ourselves just the way we are. Once we accept ourselves just the way we are it is much easier to take our time falling in love because we don;t need to be loved by someone else in order to feel complete or loveable.
      I think we are saying the same thing, the person you have always been is the true you, without the lies you have been telling yourself or lies told to you that you have taken on as truths. Because a person has issues from their childhood does not mean they are attracted to N or psychopaths nor does it make them an N magnet because N’s try to hook every one they meet who has something they want. Because a person has issues from their past does not mean they are only attracted to N’s BUT it does give the N more ammunition to use against the victim and it makes the victim more apt to put up with the abuse longer.
      By taking their time getting to know the person, a person with hangups from their past are forcing themselves to not succumb to the manipulation of the N. Most N’s will not be able to keep the mask on for any length of time, they will show their true colours at some point in the first year and then it is up to the victim to acknowledge the red flags and run. if a person has not dealt with issues from their past it is unlikely they will wait to get to know the N and will have committed too soon so it really goes hand in hand.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. What do you do when you are finely divorced from him, and now he is using the kids againist  me.  He has been committed to the psych ward twice.  Now threatening suicide, because he has to pay me for our half of our maritial assests.  Any advice?  

    From my Android phone on T-Mobile. The first nationwide 4G network.

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    • Pamala.saling.
      My advice is “don’t bite the bait” If he threatens suicide call a suicide hotline and get him help.
      But you should be no contact and not even know he is threatening suicide. I realize you must have contact to some degree because of the children but any conversations should be strictly to do with pick up times etc and not your personal issues. Any discussion about division of property should be done by the lawyers, not you and him. you can not have an amicable split from an N, he will try anything to get out of paying his fair share.
      I would keep things very cordial and business like. If he sends emails, texts, etc keep them and pass them along to your lawyer. Remain vigilant about your safety because if he is suicidal he could very well decide to take you with him. 70% of domestic homicides happen within the first 2 years of the relationship ending, if you feel he is a danger to himself or you call the police. Do not try to deal with it yourself, do not agree to meet with him , do not let him in the house and do not let him have the children if you feel he is capable of suicide. His emails and texts will come in very handy in court to prove he is not stable enough to have the children unsupervised.

      Your only concern is for the safety of yourself and the children and if he calls and says he has done something to himself then call 911 and get them to check on him. That is the caring thing to do and the safest thing to do.

      Call his bluff and his whole plan will backfire in his face. He is expecting you to back down because you will feel guilty and fear him killing himself. If he is telling the kids he is going to kill himself he really is not healthy for them to be around. Keep your head on solid ground, do what is right not what your heart may tell you.

      He is going to kill himself, he needs help, send him help. Call 911, the police, go back to court for sole custody because he is unstable, be the concerned ex wife. It is not what he is expecting but everyone including the judge will see you as the calm rational parent and be on your side. He is making things worse for himself. A judge is not going to be influenced into giving you less because your husband threatens suicide he is more apt to have the guy committed.

      Hope this helps.
      Hugs’
      Carrie

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  3. I agree. Really great post Carrie.

    I really needed to read that right now.

    Thank you :). the next time, I will take a lot more time getting to know him- the real him, and if he has more than one face to him. It’s been a very difficult experience- but many significant lessons have been learned.

    The disappointment remains, but I’m doing ok living with the fact that ‘happily ever after’ didn’t arrive after all.

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    • AnnStacy, Thank you so much. I always figure as long as we learn something from even the worst experiences there was a purpose for it happening and we come away a better person. As painful as it may have been we are better people for it happening. I know, a lot of people would say they didn’t need to be that much better or it was not a lesson they needed to learn but you never know what the future holds, your happily ever after just hasn’t arrived yet.
      HUgs
      Carrie

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  4. Thanks Carrie. This is exactly what happened to me. I agree with you about taking time to get to know a man next time. It’s still very hard to trust though. I feel ashamed I was too generous and loving to a lying, cheating loser who just wanted my money and I handed it over because he told me he was in love with me when he wasn’t at all. He is a very cold, calculating, evil person.

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    • Kathleen, how long had you known him when you handed over the money? how long had you been dating when he told you he loved you? I think if you give the next relationship time, the trust will be there because to be quite honest, a grown man who is responsible and worth his salt would never ask a woman he has just met for money. he would rather die than take money from a single woman and would find some other way of getting it. That said beware of the guys who have some scheme where you can make a ton of money.
      Of course there are always going to be scammers with a new line but if you don’t hand over any cash for the first year at least I think you will weed out most of the losers and N’s. There is no reason for a woman to ever help a man out with money, not large sums anyway. Sure if he is paying the way for all the dates that is lopsided and the woman should reciprocate with paying for a date now and then but to hand over cash should be a HUGE red flag.

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      • It’s hard for me to tell you because I am so ashamed in retrospect but I really did believe him. There were red flags all along but his charm made me give him the benefit of the doubt every time. We met online and then met up after a month. He said he was unemployed so I said I would pay for drinks etc. He never ever paid anything in 7 years. He was so charming. Nice. He texted me within 2 weeks of meeting and I remember the exact words. I kept his msgs on my phone and after 6 years he deleted them because they were evidence. He said after 2 weeks ‘already I’m in love with you. I’m always faithful to my partner. No need for you to worry about that. LOL’ Of course he gave me an STD a few years’ later and cheated and lied. But he was so convincing. He moved into my house the next month and we married within 9 months. He hadn’t been back to W. Africa in 20 years so I paid for the trip. But. He wanted to do ‘business’ and requested money. A lot of money which he said would get lots of profit. I was blindly in love so I just wanted to please him. He eventually used up my life savings (60 years) and didn’t have any shame. In fact, when he broke me down by shouting (in private) or not speaking as punishment for nothing he told people I threw him out of the house and lived with another man. All untrue. So I had so many red flags but I believed his lies and loved him so much. I do feel so stupid, hate the smear campaign, his pity plays to everyone. Now he lives on welfare (3 years), I’ve never known him work and he appears to spend all his time as an internet predator. He targets lonely older vulnerable women with money. But he has multiple partners for sex at the same time as chasing other peoples’ money. He must be a very good liar because one of his mistresses wouldn’t believe me when he went to live with her and I told her not to give him money. Of course she was at the beginning and I was at the end so she believed him. He only owes her 1,000 after a years’ romance. But he owes me around 150,000 plus of course the worst a broken heart together with cheating and lying and abuse. She’s lucky. But she also didn’t know about all the other women he was cheating on her with. She is a school teacher so she also feels a fool and is very angry. She threatened him with the police but backed down.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kathleen,

          You can make it your lifetime work to play detective and try and find out about all his OW and try to warn them ( for what reason I do not know ) or you can cut your losses and just put all that effort into healing yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But no good ever comes from contacting the OW, trying to warn them etc. They are responsible for themselves as you are. Nothing you say to them will make a difference, since they will not believe he is what you say he is, at least not in the beginning. And frankly, it keeps you engaged with him, thinking about him. And he knows. And that will give him the supply he wants. You care enough to investigate. Thank God he has moved on to others. Count your blessings. You are still alive and wiser you realise what a scum he is and will not give him one more minute of your time physical or mental. He is your past, leave him there. God bless you.

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          • Yes, you’re right ellie2013. He left me in 2011 but he sort of wanted some kind of relationship after 9 months and you know where that leads. He lied in Dec 2012 telling me he was working in England when in fact I found out via FB he was in Germany with one of his mistresses (she thought she was the only one – right!). So he got out of my bed, went to the airport and flew to Germany for Christmas and New Year funded by the mistress. I was extremely angry so called her to warn her. She wouldn’t believe me. She thought he was going to live with her but he had a house here in England. He lied to her. She only gave him 1,000 and couldn’t or wouldn’t get anymore so he stopped contact with her. She was desperate as she thought he was a normal person not fake. So she wrote a letter to me telling me she should have listened to me and that all he wants is money. As for playing detective, I’m over him now. I know he’s fake, greedy and has no empathy so I just don’t play detective. I’m getting on with my life. It’s not easy for any of us to forget but so long as we realise what happened and be very careful we can get on with our lives a lot wiser!

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        • Kathleen, let go of the shame, you didn’t know better. None of us saw it coming, none of us knew people like this existed! We all thought, why would he lie? and they ARE so dang charming. I know that James came off as almost naive and gullible certainly not like a scam artist. For the first 5 years I was with him I truly believed he was misunderstood, socially inept, naive and got in with the wrong crowd, had good intentions and just not thinking things through. I had a million excuses for him. and for 9 and 1/2 years of the 10 I thought he could never sleep with another woman while he was telling me he loved me.
          I had red flags, in the first couple of months he asked to borrow $1000 to buy a car that he could double his money on in a couple of weeks and I refused. I thought I had set a boundary. He wanted me to pay his $600 cell bill and I refused. He said most of the calls were to me and I said, “Don’t call me as much, i have my own bills to pay.” Once again I thought I had set a boundary and it was just growing pains of a new relationship. I had no idea how conniving he was and how difficult it would be to maintain my boundaries once we were living together.
          I always prided myself on not being materialistic, I am a generous person and I will help anyone out who needs it. To this day I will give a homeless person my last $5 if I feel they need it. But I will never lend money again. If I can not afford to give the money to someone, if I need it to be paid back i won’t give it.
          I heard someone say a long time ago that you should never lend money that you can’t afford to lose, that you can’t count on the other person paying you back and that goes for family, friends and lovers. It is a good rule to live by. No matter how much you love them,
          We live and learn. Shame holds you back. The only shame you should feel is if you did it again knowing what you know.
          But you aren’t going to do that so you are safe and learned your lesson. As they say, you are doomed to repeat experiences until you learn the lesson
          Hugs
          Carrie

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          • Thanks Carrie. You really help me recover. It’s hard to get over the pity thing as well. Like when you said James almost appeared naïve. The operative word is appeared. I had the same experience and it knocks you back when your eyes are finally opened doesn’t it? In retrospect I also get angry at how stupidly generous I was. He moved in my house, I paid for cars, clothes, all the bills, food. He didn’t pay one penny but he told people he was paying and I was a gold digger. Wow. That hurt. I had a problem with constantly defending my honesty as he shifted the blame. He would say I was having affairs, spending (my own not his) money on gifts for people. All untrue, but it diverted me from his very real offences. Exactly what he accused me of (and I wasn’t) he was doing. It’s like talking to someone and you have to believe the opposite of what comes out of their mouths all the time. Exhausting. I have learnt my lesson but I don’t think any of us can forget or get over how some people are just evil monsters. Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Jekyll and Hyde characters. I now find it difficult working out who is genuine when they need help!

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  5. Hi, this is the first time i am posting. I’ve been reading a lot here. Been on other forums as well when I learned what I was dealing with. I came across this somewhere on the web, and it has helped me immensely. The one thing that rings true in my case is the lying. I’ve never met anyone who lies to themself and others on a daily basis and really, for most of their life and who lives by lies and believes in their lies. I think that is the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. Anyway, here it is, and I’m sure it will resonate with most of you …

    1. Liars Are In Love with Themselves: Think about it, why do people lie? What are some of their motives? They don’t want to look stupid, they don’t want to be wrong, they don’t want to let people down, they want to keep everyone happy, they want to get what they want. All of these motives have the “self” at the center. Liars make every situation all about them. They’re not thinking about the questions, How will this impact people I care about? What will be the consequences of my lies? No, liars are very short sighted, focusing only on the immediate and easy way out of a situation. In the long run, it is impossible to have a long-term, healthy relationship built on mutual trust and honesty because liars are narcissists. They’re essentially only in a relationship with themselves.

    2. Liars Are Cowards: Anyone who lacks the courage to look at the truth is a coward. Cowards are really hard to love. They will perpetually frustrate you. Instead of admitting their shortcomings, their failures – their basic humanness – they will lie in order to cover it up. They’re so busy keeping up with “the Joneses” that they destroy their closest relationships in the process. Liars need courage to overcome their lifestyle of deceit.

    3. Liars Have No Legs to Stand On: At the end of the day, at the end of one’s life, what do you have besides your good name or your reputation? Liars have essentially chopped their own legs out from under them through continual denial and lying. They have destroyed their own reputations and in doing so, their name in the community. Since they have no legs, they can’t take a stand on anything that matters. Their lives have become meaningless wastelands, easily forgotten and dismissed. No one with any discernment trusts them and they end up isolated in their lifestyle of lies.

    Here’s to all of our healing … it is true, that we need to learn to be alone and to learn who we are and that we can make it on our own .. with a little help from our friends 🙂

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    • Lisa51, the number one trait of a narcissist is they are pathological liars and their lives are a very precariously balanced series of lies that could topple at any minute so he is constantly putting out fires and lives in trauma and drama all the time. That is why they usually look for a respectable, highly regarded woman, a woman with morales and a good reputation. For one thing she will defend him (like I did for the first 5 years, refusing to believe he was a liar and a cheat and defending him with my whole heart and soul, DUH! slow learner here!)
      By being with a respected woman they automatically gain credibility by association. I know James was with me because he appeared respectable and trustworthy because he was with me. I am the most honest and responsible person you could ever hope to find, if he could suck me into believing him everyone would trust him because they knew I would not be with a liar and thief.
      when he met me his family had turned their back on him because he had stolen from them, lied about and to them and basically they washed their hands of him. He needed someone to give him credibility and in I walked into his life and it worked. He took me to meet his family almost immediately, I was complimented. Then we got there and I felt an elephant in the room and couldn’t put my finger on it. One of his sisters got really drunk and started telling me a bunch of shit about him and I never believe a drunk and form my own opinions about people and I saw none of the things in him that she was telling me about. As it turns out i should have listened to her because the whole story he had told me about himself was a lie.

      When I questioned him about what his sister had said he had a whole scenerio ready about how she is a drug addict and alcoholic and got him in all kinds of trouble with his family by lying etc. But he also told me that his family didn’t really like me and he stopped taking me with him when he went to visit and when i did go along I felt very uncomfortable. It wasn’t until the last two years that I really got to know his family and then I also found out the truth about him and almost everything he had told me about himself was a lie.

      When his adoptive mother wrote me and said that I needed to admit my faults in the relationship and that it always takes two. I replied that a person can not be held responsible for the demise of a relationship based on lies. The fact that I didn’t even know the man I was with for 10 years, that he was a fraud from day one absolves me of fault for the relationship failing. How can a person function in a relationship with a hologram.?

      The one thing about them that is very dangerous is once they have used up the victim and no longer need their respectability they set about destroying the victim’s reputation and try to make themselves look like the victim. They try to morph into the person the victim was and pass their evil personality off onto the victim and some people believe their lies and the victim;s life is destroyed or all but destroyed.

      Truly so evil it is beyond comprehension.
      Thanks for your comments
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  6. Narcopathcrusher,
    I enjoyed reading your blog. If there is a pattern, and even if there isn’t, we need to accept responsibility that we create our own reality. I think one of the principles of most of the people on here is Do No Harm. Same as the Golden Rule. Having said that, when you encounter an anti-human, it’s hard to accept – and so we try and justify that this can’t be so. When you learn it is so, it is a loss of your innocence – it’s like you said, part of you is ghoul .. and the ghoul resides within .. others call it the shadow self. I think our task it to make our shadow self our friend and not an unconscious part of us. This way we can really create our own reality and take responsibility for our actions …

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  7. Lisa51, I hate to ever blame the victim for their own abuse because really who would ever think these soul sucking demons are out there unless you have met one and learned the hard way.
    But ultimately we are responsible for our own destiny, if we don’t take responsibility and totally blame the N then how do we ever feel safe again? We feel helpless to protect ourselves from future N’s because the N is such a good actor and morphs into our ideal mate. The only way we can protect ourselves is to become self aware and stay grounded in reality. The N always creates a false reality.

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  8. Carrie this “reality check” was what I needed to pick myself up from the low mood I was existing within in the past few days. And yes, I suspect it may return again, but honestly it just proves to me how incredibly amazing this site is to assist me in my recovery. Of course I am the only person ultimately to fully move on from my experiencing, but it’s waking up to posts such as this that remind me to be strong and kind to myself. Not in a forceful way either, I just read this and went about my day with a smile again and genuinely felt better. This is coming from someone who’s just finished a 12 1/2 hour shift at work with no break haha! 😉
    But I think having had annual leave then been off with flu, I realised I hadn’t actually been back at work for a month! Nor had I been anywhere really the past week or so. Keeping busy and filling my time with productivity helps and I genuinely drove down the motorway today with none of the usual qualms I usually feel. 🙂 Yes I am still seeking another job, but this is in part due to the cost of fuel for me and not all about the N. And it is because I am no longer trapped by him that I feel I can start to pursue a career more substantial. While I was happy to take any other job before I am biding my time to discover what I really want.
    I absolutely wish to get back on track with my life as am proof that wasting any time and energy anymore on these sort of individuals is futile. It’s very true that once they are in your thoughts, even when you question why they are, they are still occupying unnecessary space in your being. While I know I can’t program him to not enter my mind, I can at least work towards replacing that with GOOD feelings, and not the bad nor the ugly.
    And in actuality I also realise that I am proud of myself for so many things, and honour the fact (for once in my life probably haha!) that I am a good person and will continue to be all that I am and more.
    Here’s to getting back on the road again and to seeking a destiny much more deserving. 🙂
    Love to you all as always from across the puddle. X x x x 🙂

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    • Tifa, you sound so much better!! That is great. I found that I actually welcomed the healing crisis when they hit because I would feel so much lighter and positive once it was over. It was like it was cleansing.
      Grief is uncomfortable, it is scary, we start to worry that we will get stuck in the sadness and so we fight it and try to make ourselves be happy, fake it until you make it. Sometimes we do wallow in self pity and have to give ourselves a shake and force ourselves to get dressed and go see a friend or something but it is very necessary to our healing. If we bury our pain and cover it with working long hours, drinking ourselves to oblivion, jump into another relationship or any other avoidance techniques we are only postponing the inevitable. We have to feel the emotions, we have to experience the pain in order to heal; there is no way around it. It WILL rear its’ ugly head and force us to deal with it at the most inopportune time later when we least expect it.
      That is why people who got involved too soon afterwards thinking the new lover healed them end up in here asking why they can’t stop obsessing about the N and they have been married for a couple of years and have children and everything.
      Much better to deal with it now and be able to put it behind you for good. You are going to be just fine..
      You know James used to live in a near by town called Surrey. He moved from there a year ago, he and I have been split 3 and 1/2 years and I STILL hate driving through the town. I get a pit in my stomach every time. But on the other hand I live in the same complex he and I started our life together and i an fine. I still will have flashbacks when I drive past a place that holds memories but it is getting better. I think because i never go to Surrey so I have not grown immune to the memories and because I live here and drive through the town almost daily it doesn’t bother me.
      Love and hugs
      Carrie

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  9. Holy hard hitting. Funny thing? i am sure I read this before. Yet it strikes me so sharply today that I lived like that for 32 years. Shudders. He continues to abuse by tormenting every month by text before he pays the puny court ordered amount. He did everything you describe and more. If I ever get strong enough to relive the torturous mind f**k games, I believe my book would outsell Fatal Attraction. In the meantim I will just continue enjoying my new found peacefulness of heart. Thanks for the reminder of how far I have come since leaving seven years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Janni, lol it came up in my memories folder on FB so I read it, made a few simple changes but it is basically the original post and I had much the same reaction as you did. I remember writing it, but it really hit me hard also. We have come a long way !!! it was a rough road and we have both stumbled on the way; but dang is it ever nice on the other side, the view gets better everyday.
      And look at you…………engaged and all……………. but you took the time and I bet you are glad you did.
      Thanks for commenting and I wish you would write that book!
      Hugs xxxoo

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well I just might start working on the book, I have a few outlines and the rest is between my ears, lol. So glad we connected, you are so right in how far we have come, a very long way from settling, never again, thank goodness. Great reminder, thanks for this, Carrie.

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