The Making Of A Victim

I find it rather ironic that society blames the victim of her own abuse when it is society that creates the victim to begin with. 

women place

I am going to be guilty of generalizations in this post, I do know that what I am about to say is not 100% across the board the way all girls are raised, what I am saying is generally this is how are girls are raised. I also realize that men are victims of narcissists and female narcissists cause just as much pain and destruction as their male counterparts, BUT there are many more female victims than male. Recent studies show that in Canada a woman dies at the hands of her significant other every 6 days, the leading cause of death in women is domestic homicide, passing cancer and car accidents, every night 3300 women seek out the safety of a woman’s shelter and 200 women are turned away because there isn’t room. 

They say that 4% of the world population are psychopaths, that is only the one’s diagnosed, probably because they did murder someone and are in jail. Psychopath’s do not seek out therapy or admit they have a problem because that would ruin their fun, they don’t want to stop hurting and manipulating people, that is how they feed their sick ego and most of them are highly intelligent and are able to avoid detection their whole life, going from victim to victim leaving a trail of destruction behind them.

What is enabling them to do this? How can such an plague on society continue and most people are totally ignorant it exists and the rest of the world ignores it or blames the victim? There MUST be something wrong with the way society functions, there must be something terribly flawed in the way people think for the leading cause of death in women is allowed to grow and feed off of itself unchecked. 

We teach our children about washing their hands, how to handle chicken so you don’t poison yourself, wear a helmet when you ride a bike, don’t smoke, don’t drink and drive, don’t run with scissors in your hand, wear your life jacket, you get searched at airports for weapons, and yet we don’t teach our youth about narcissists, we don’t give our children the weapons they need to detect and defend themselves from this toxic scourge on society – knowledge and self respect.

Society really needs to look at why women in abusive relationship are confused about whether they are being abused or not. It is alarming to me that 90% of women in abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused!! that figure is a guesstimation on my part but if you look back on the comments of women who come in here you will find most women’s first comments are something like, “Thank God I am not crazy!”, “Finally, I know what was happening to me”, “I thought I was alone”.

women and men

Could it be that we give our girls mixed messages their whole life, at home, at school, on tv, in video games, in movies, fashion, politics, sports? We give young people the mixed messages that a woman is the “fairer” sex, they are supposed to be “ladylike”, nurturing, giving, forgiving, martyrs, and yet tell them they can be anything they want to be, can do it on their own, succeed in a “man’s world” but deny them the tools to accomplish it. We criticize women for the exact traits we expect men to possess in order to succeed. As this video shows so well, mainstream media portray women as objects to be owned and abused, powerless, reliant on their beauty to get by.

We teach our boys teamwork through sports etc, if you watch guys in the bar they are slapping each other on the back, they help each other get the girl, most guys will not put the make on his buddy’s woman. If a guy approaches a woman in a bar and she tells him she is not interested he won’t back off, he won’t take no for an answer and will think he just has to wear her down, buy her another drink, compliment her a bit more, and he will eventually get the prize (get her into bed). But if the woman’s boyfriend walks up the guy will apologize all over himself for hitting on the guys woman. Most men have loyalty to their gender. It isn’t called the “Old Boy’s Club” for nothing.

On the other hand women will walk right over top of a girlfriend in her stiletto heels to get to the man. A man acts interested and the girl forgets she has friends with her, if a guy compliments her, tells her she is better than his girlfriend she will soak up the flattery, and feel superior to the other woman, even if secretly. Why? Because we teach our girls that they are in competition against each other for the prize (the man because they are nothing without a man) through beauty contests, advertisements, and TV shows.

Identical traits in women and men are described in totally opposite terms.

Men who are called successful are go getters, strong, intelligent, respected, hard working

Women with the same traits are pushy, overbearing, show offs, rude, abrasive, loud, is neglecting her duties

 

How can we expect women to stand up and say, “I demand respect” when we don’t show her women doing that?

Men demand respect,and make no apologies for doing so, it is expected of them

Women ASK for respect. Please don’t screw around on me, please be honest with me, please care about my feelings. Sorry I snooped and caught you cheating, I am sorry I got angry and raised my voice, If only I could say it the right way he would understand. 

We should not be surprised women take a subservient role and don’t demand respect when we don’t teach them it is acceptable to demand respect and equality. 

I think society, women mostly,

need to teach by example and if they have been abused they need to stand strong and united, break the silence and shame that surrounds the victim’s of abuse and shame the abusers. The strongest tool the narcissist has to destroy his victim is silence. Silence is the enabler, the lie he hides behind, the shaming of the victim, it gives society the right to look the other way. 

Exposing the abuse forces society to acknowledge the problem and that is the first step to stopping it.

 

 

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13 thoughts on “The Making Of A Victim

  1. narcopathcrusher

    Excellent article. If i am allowed to add that another factor that contributes to the problem is the apaths, humans that score low in empathy but don’t have psychopathic traits. Those who cause the bystander effect, for example sit and watch someone get raped but ”mind their own business”. That’s how a rapist ends up having 100 victims instead of 1 or 2.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Excellent point narcopathcrusher! you are so right. The apaths cause almost as much damage as the narcissist. Without them the narcissist would be alone and not near as powerful. By not defending the victim and wanting to stay “neutral” they send the message that they agree with the N. The N doesn’t care if people believe him he is only concerned with people who oppose or expose him.

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  2. Tifa

    I still think much of social media is to blame, and maybe I’m wrong but am sure it has gotten so much worse as time plods on. I’m not opposed to how individuals choose to live their lives, but why is it that so much of what is sexualised falls upon women? The picture in this article certainly depicts that to some extent.. For one while I’m no prude, I just don’t get easily excited by seeing a picture of a handsome man.. For me there needs to be more depth on an emotional level to someone other than looks to feel drawn to them. Yet post a picture of a woman in a revealing outfit and it gets so much more attention. I don’t wish to generalise either, as women I know can be just as objectifying about the naked/near naked male form! And there is no harm in appreciating that. It’s when it becomes subjective to a person’s status/popularity etc that you begin to wonder whether some artists even need to bother doing anything other than just standing there with little to the imagination. But why is it so many younger women in the media these days, particularly singers, feel the necessity to wear next to nothing outfits often coupled with imagery and dialogue that usually draw upon sexual connotations?

    I guess I can’t help but worry that such consistent projection of it seemingly being the norm for indivuals to be such a way, only adds fuel to the fire for people like narcissists. Why should they attempt morality an decency when society is projecting such contexts of what is hot and what is not? Yes we know that N’s are incapable of such things anyway, but I fear it has potential to breed less empathy amongst those who do not necessarily have psychopathic traits, but nonetheless the potential to still grow into a poor attitude and perception of others including themselves.

    I have always struggled with my confidence and self esteem and try as I might, yes, I hold my hands up to feeling impeccably less of a person some days because of what can be presented in the media. Silly really, as I know looking a certain way truly isn’t the be all of life at all. When with my N I felt myself constantly comparing myself to society’s depiction of women. Guess cause my N was constantly talking to younger promiscuous teenagers for the most part, it left me feeling very self-critical and struggled to want to try and be something I wasn’t.

    But I wish with all my heart that society at the very least paid less attention to trading what constitutes as being a “Man” and a “woman”. Yes our upbringing, alongside other factors no doubt, has a part to play. But social media has slowly governed so much of people’s day to day lives that it truly makes me wonder how it shall all manifest ten years from now.

    I’d like, in fact LOVE for there to be more awareness of such topics and how they are truly shaping today’s and future society’s perspectives. Maybe they will start to use it that much more wisely as a means in which to expose just how damaging a simple image in a magazine can be.

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    1. ellie2013

      Tifa,

      Men and women are different in what for lack of a better term ” turns them on”. Men are visual women well, we use our mind more, our feelings, our imaginings. Different gender, different make up. For lack again of a better way to put it, the “less clothing” they see, the more “up” they become. It’s just all fact, it’s how they are. It’s what’s made Playboy and empire, magazine, clubs etc. They didn’t create the desire, they capitalized on it. Social media in itself is not to blame, it has just given N’s an easier way to find their victims. There were N’s long before social media, or the internet. They just had to work a little harder to find their victims, went to bars, perhaps had to take out “ads” in actual paper newspapers. Maybe just hit on the neighbor lady, the lady at the corner store. But they existed.

      To say it is “wrong” for young girls to not show skin , and it may be wrong depending on your upbringing is kinda placing the blame on the young girl , as if SHE is the one luring the N into being unfaithful, Again victim blaming. HE will be unfaithful w/ a countless number of victims, some clothed, some not, young , old , fat , thin. HE will get his way , satisfy the need in him with who ever and whatever he chooses. Age, none of it plays much of a part in it. It is not wrong in my opinion to look, just not right to act on any “urge” you might have while in a relationship. To be, feel threatened, every time your partner, N or not, looks or comments on a young pretty face or body is well unrealistic.

      That being said, women do just what you have done, instead of looking at what the man is doing thinking, his motivations , his lies, they look at the current,/ potential victim and blame HER for HIS straying. When he would have strayed anyways.

      We are the ones that need to develop boundaries. Stand up for ourselves when we do not like how we are being treated, when things present themselves that we find intolerable, and when we voice ourselves and find the situation not to our liking we need to walk away, draw the line. It is something in us , as current/ former and I am afraid , for some of us , FUTURE victims of N’s, to protect ourselves, be true to ourselves and have the courage to , not place blame but acknowledge what we want and don’t want, and take action to make sure we do not tolerate anything we do not want to. To have the strength to walk. Head high. To not feel like we are less because we are not in a relationship. To not place so much emphasis on a “man” that there is no emphasis on US.

      I agree with Carrie, there should be education that starts early about N’s but also there should be better role models for our young girls, because, as long as things continue as they are, WE as a gender will continue to blame instead of taking action. Instead of saying “she stole him from me” turn it into ” I didn’t want him or his BS” and to feel good about it.

      Great post, as usual, Carrie

      Ellie

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      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Ellie, thank you. For me it is kinda what came first the chicken or the egg. Is social media giving people what they want or do people want it because social media says so.
        One thing for sure, we have to teach our women to demand to be treated with respect and to know when they are being abused. No one should hot know when they are in an abusive relationship. somewhere we are sending the wrong message to our young people through songs, movies Tv, ads, etc

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Tifa, did you watch the video? what they were saying is we don’t give young girls the right to demand respect, from social media they are programmed to believe that they are in competition with every other woman out there for a man’s attention. They are objectified in the media, advertising etc and our young men are watching the same shit and learning that women are objects to be used and abused and tossed aside. Is it any wonder narcissist get away with what they do? They are living exactly as media depicts they should be.
      Parents, adults, the people who write the movies and produce the advertising need to examine what they are projecting to the world and the young people who are trying to develop their sense of who they are. We can not expect women to “just walk away” from their abuser when they have been taught their whole life that they are nothing more than an object that doesn’t have a purpose without a man and that the man will determine whether you are worthy of love and respect.
      The reason you lack self confidence is because at some point in time someone told you that you were not good enough. The narcissist will pick up on that and use it to control you and make you feel inferior. The best way to control someone is to make them feel they are inferior.
      Empower women and they will stop stabbing each other in the back and they will stop sexualizing themselves. and when women treat themselves with respect they will not allow a man to disrespect her.
      Narcissists are evil people and media does not create N but media does condone their actions

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  3. sadgirl64

    Hello Carrie – I have a couple of questions that I think would help me in figuring out what is going on with me when I get answers. I left my ex about a year and a half ago, but I still deal with a lot of guilt. I think I do because we did have some good times together. Class, we had three children. I second-guess myself all the time with questions like quote was it really all that bad”? He would insults me (or at least I felt it was an insult) but sometimes I wonder if I was just being too sensitive. So answer me please if you think theses are insults. I wish I could give you voice inflections, body language, ect.

    Husband comes out of bathroom “Hey you peed on the seat again”. Wife says “oh, I’m sorry. I was up in the night and it was dark and I didn’t turn on the light.” Husband says, “well you should look at that”. ( it was a tiny drop)

    Husband comes in after washing my car and it says quote I washed your car but I noticed there were boogers on the steering wheel” I say “what? I wouldn’t do that! That is gross!”husband says quote well, that is what it was!

    Husband says while getting ready for bed one evening quote you know, you really should make love to your husband” ( I didn’t feel like this was insulting per se, but felt like a child being reprimanded.

    I have always had a strong personality and don’t take any lot of crap off of people. Because of this, he was very smart about how he went about talking to me. He would never Howell blatant insults at me such as “you’re fat”, “you’re stupid”, “you’re ugly”. If he did that, it would be obvious. So these other comments I mentioned above are a little more cunning. My quest is do you think those things he said to me are insulting? Thank you.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      sadgirl, like you said, there is body language, voice inflection, the look in their eye and their intent. In the right context any one of those statements could be humor or teasing if the couple is getting along and share that kind of sense of humor. I wouldn’t want someone to come in here and see one of those examples and go, OMG my husband said something like that he must be a narcissist.
      I doubt that was all that was wrong in the relationship, because if it was then I would say you were too sensitive.
      The reason you felt insulted by these statements is because of the way he treated you 85% of the time. Subtle innuendo, perhaps not coming home on time and not answering his phone or some other thing that made you feel insecure. Other issues like not taking into account your feelings, not being sympathetic when you were sick, other things that told you that you were unimportant.
      it is very hard for the victim to pinpoint the EXACT abuse, if it wasn’t physical it is all left up to interpretation and that is the whole idea; that way the abuser can say, “sheesh I was just kidding!” or “you heard me wrong”. “lighten up, you’re always so serious” You’ve lost your sense of humor” “I can’t say anything to you without you taking it the wrong way, I have to walk on egg shells around you.”
      That is why we end up going back because we can always find some occasion when we overreacted, that’s what happens when a person is continually abused emotionally, they over react.
      I can remember times when I had a total melt down over something really quite insignificant; if it was the only thing that he did I would have been a nut case to be upset. But it wasn’t, it was a constant mind fck living with him and he did it on purpose.
      He wouldn’t come home all night and not being doing anything wrong so the next time he was up to something I wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself.
      I used to demand he stop the truck and let me out because I thought I was going to explode. Stupid of me because he would stop the truck and I would end up walking home 5 miles because he would never come get me, he’d leave me on the side of the road and I would be cursing myself for losing it. It’s what they do.
      I know you wanted a definite, “Yes that is a narcissist talking.” answer but that would be too simple, they are much more complex than that and you know what? Women don’t imagine being abused. if you feel abused you are being abused, gas lighted, and manipulated.
      We can all look back and see times we screwed up, no one is perfect, and the N uses our guilt over those times to manipulate us in to coming back. We realize our mistakes and vow to fix them and think it will all be ok then. But it never is because he is never happy no matter what you do.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  4. sadgirl64

    Wow! You hit the nail! When I would get sick I would swear he was mad at me for it. Dirty dishes would pile up – he’d do nothing to help. When I was well, he was the one who cleaned a lot of the time so I could never figure out why he wouldn’t do it when I was sick. I had a chronic pain problem and would lie on the floor literally moaning in pain. This lasted a long time; appx 4-5 years. He would just keep watching the tv while I was lying there in horrible pain. One time I said “don’t you think you could try to help me?” He said “I don’t know what to do with you” in a very even, unemotional tone and looked back at the tv. He would rarely try to comfort me or have empathy. Another thing – just like you I would lose my freaking mind and get really upset and crying, yelling ect. He would just walk away. Later in the marriage I gave up on the getting upset and yelling part. I still cried though and he still walked away. Wish if have found this site 5 years ago. Thank you.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      sadgirl, those are all very typical actions of a narc. I had to beg to be taken to emergency when I was really sick, one time I was literally hemorrhaging and he ignored me. They hate someone else getting attention and because they do nothing without an ulterior motive they always think that the victim is trying to manipulate them.
      You crying is viewed by your ex as you trying to manipulate him, to control him in some way.
      In the beginning James said he couldn’t stand to see me cry and would hold me and be sympathetic (actually he would pack me to bed) but once we moved in together he stopped even acting sympathetic and near the end he would just totally ignore my tears and bitch that all I ever did was cry and that is what was driving him to screw around.
      Yeah right, the tears started because of his screwing around.
      They twist the facts in their favor. It is such a mind F*ck. You react to them being unfaithful and they say they were unfaithful because of the way you reacted. It gets so convoluted you can’t think straight.
      They use a play on words too, people call it word salad.
      Like james would say “I said i could do that I didn’t say I would do it”
      He would pick apart my grammar or twist my words and then I would end up defending my grammar instead of talking about what he had done.
      it drives a person insane.

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