Why Can’t We Just Lock Them Up?

domestic-violence-md-newI was asked the following question in a comment the other day.

“didn’t these people get placed in psych hospitals in the past, so they couldn’t do the damage in society? Now they wander free among us…devouring all that they can.”

I understand what you are saying, Why should they run around destroying people’s lives without any consequences for their actions and the victim is left trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. On top of trying to put their lives back together they also have to be strong enough to remain no contact because the narcissist doesn’t leave them alone. But it isn’t that easy.

They used to burn witches at the stake also and lock people in stockades in the centre of town or behead them. In many third world countries they still stone women for infidelity, or cut off a robber’s hand for stealing.

Unfortunately, the “civilized” world in it’s attempts to be fair and not punish an innocent person; has swung too far the other way in many cases and has made it easier for a narcissist to do what they do. Unfortunately, if we locked up narcissists for hurting people; we would have a lot of victim’s behind bars because the narcissist almost always accuses the victim of the exact crimes he/ she committed. Much of the damage they do is a case of “he said/she said”, and they are careful to cover their tracks because they have a criminal mind and know what they are going to do so plot it very well. The victim is unaware of what the narcissist is doing so does nothing to protect themselves, they are not collecting evidence to prove their innocence whereas the narcissist is building his case the minute he meets the victim.

If we are going to lock a person up because they act crazy, for sure it would be the victim that gets locked up because a narcissist can act the victim and appear sane better than the true victim.

Who would we assign the responsibility of discerning who is lying and who is the victim? While with James I often felt I was living in a courtroom and he was the lawyer defending himself and all he had to do was instill “reasonable doubt” in the jury to be proven innocent. I have often wondered how defense lawyers live with themselves when they know a person is guilty but they get them off on a technicality but I see why the laws have to be that way otherwise we would have to take someone’s word for the fact that the person did what they did with malice and intent to harm. And then one of the big traits of a narcissist is lack of remorse but they can put on an academy performance of being remorseful and guilt ridden.

They can be the epitome of calm and rational, the definition of sanity while the victim is emotional, irrational and appearing the definition of insane. Who do you think they are going to lock up? 

Yes I know we can do brain scans to determine if a person is a psychopath but do we make a law stating that all people must submit to a brain scan and if they have the brain abnormalities of a psychopath do we just lock them up, sterilize them so they can’t reproduce or leave them to rot on a deserted island or in prison? For one thing we don’t have enough prisons to house them all and where do we draw the line? Until there is a crime committed how can we lock people up? Then, if we start to lock up narcissists where does it end? It leaves it wide open for a Hitler type holocaust.

Sure I would love to see them all herded up and put on an island to kill each other off but it isn’t reasonable or civilized. Our prisons are already full of narcissists and it is a huge cost to society to keep them alive in prison but I certainly would not want the responsibility of decided who should live and who should die, Would we kill all narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths? There are people out there who are admitted psychopaths, like Sam Vaknin and James Fallon; who are admitted psychopaths but doing a lot towards educating people about psychopaths. Not all psychopaths are murderers, yes they are born that way but their upbringing does play a major part in how they function in society as an adult.

It is too ambiguous, too atmospheric, too hard to prove. BUT I DO feel the laws need to change.

I feel that if the police are called out for domestic violence the police should be in control of laying the charges and the woman should have no right to drop the charges. Too often the abuser pressures the woman into dropping the charges, with promises that he will change or threats to her, the kids or her family. it is proven that women do not act in the best interest of the children or her well being, so it has to be taken out of her control. I think that the abuser must be sent for evaluation with an expert on psychopathy and a brain scan be done. For one thing if the abuser is a psychopath no amount of anger management is going to help and many normal therapy actually arms the psychopath with more ways to manipulate. The victim needs to receive immediate support from an expert on domestic abuse and psychopaths, if the abuser is determined to be a psychopath the victim needs to be educated that there is no cure. Right now the victim is handed a bunch of pamphlets and left to their own devices, the abuser is out in a few hours and not enough time goes by for the victim to see things clearly.

Not that I think it is the victim’s fault they were abused but I feel they should be required to attend some support group or counseling also and be taught about what they are dealing with. So far there is no forced education and I really don’t think the victim is in the mindset to make wise choices for herself and her children when she is in the midst of domestic abuse.

I think she needs a team of people who not only educate her on psychopaths but also the resources available to them, I think the government has to provide them with education in order to get better jobs, more money than basic welfare so they can provide for their children. They need life skills coaching, help with becoming independent and regaining their self esteem and also to deal with any issues from their past, abusive in their childhood etc.

I also think there should be an international registry for domestic abuser, not just the ones who have been charged but any complaints should be registered. Who can access it is a problem but I am sure some kind of regulations could be devised so it is not a breach of a person’s  right to privacy. A woman might make a false claim of abuse but if a guy has numerous complaints by different women it is pretty obvious he has issues. If when the police attend a call of domestic violence, they run the guy’s name and there is a history of abuse complaints I think they should inform the woman and how the whole situation is handled needs to be ramped up. 

Would it prevent women from phoning the police because she doesn’t want him to get in trouble? I don’t know, maybe.

How does everyone else feel? What solutions do you, as past victims of abuse; see to  the problem of domestic abuse? What would have helped you get out or not get invovled to begin with?

50 thoughts on “Why Can’t We Just Lock Them Up?

  1. Tifa

    Elisabeth. Am sorry that you still have to face some form of contact with him. I wish I could offer some solutions to make the process much better for you, but know enough that it won’t continue forever. The fact that he is questioning the settlement then moving on to asking about your avenues in life depicts their (the N’s) childish manner and evident lack of reality that is outside their own.
    Am glad you didn’t reply. I only signed up to a dating site many months ago when with my N due to being informed by one of his “interests”. When I went to delete the account after we split I saw a msg from him that read “haha”.. This made me laugh because he had put on one of his dating profiles such a cringe worthy statement that I knew enough it would be me laughing at him and that his childish comment towards me was a deliberate attempt to try and kick me while down. I don’t know many people who would “sell” themselves on a dating website by calling prospective interests “5 year old stuck up cows” all because they read and ignored messages from him. Haha! While I do not usually gain any sort of positives by another’s misery, I couldn’t help but laugh my head off when I realised just how unbelievably arrogant and deranged he was to post such a statement on his “about me” profile. 😉
    And yes, the online dating world seems to be more profound in today’s society. Personally I am more for old school romance. I guess it’s because I know what my N is, and despite the statement he wrote on one profile those months before, there is no telling to the array of bullshit he could be portraying by now. Yet there is some hope with it. My brother and his girl met via a dating website and now live together and seem very happy. But if you have a bad vibe about them presently then go with your gut instinct and sign off for now.
    I was approached by a guy last Sunday while out seeing a band with a friend. He wanted my number etc. In a way it was a good experience for me as reaffirmed that I’m not ready to date. Nonetheless it was a confidence boost that I’m very much ready for! However that is ultimately best sought within yourself, which despite my ups and downs I promise can come within also.
    Much love from across the puddle. X x x 🙂


  2. Elisabeth

    Carrie, maybe it is strange that he find me on a dating-site, where I was for a short time. I am sure he don’t know how to access my computer or my user name etc. I think, that maybe someone-else saw me and told him.
    That doesn’t mean he has to tell me that he saw me. We are separated for more than a year. I still hear all kind of stuff about him and don’t tell him everything I have heard about him. I know he makes a mess of his life. Lend people a lot of money, what doesn’t come back. Drinks to much alcohol. Has a much younger girlfriend now, from which I am sure she is with him for the money and she is going to get it too. He is looking awful now. Acts weird etc. Drinking a lot of alcohol for more than 40 years doesn’t help either.
    For 31 years I was the constant factor in his life. Always taking care of everything. He changed when he was earning a lot of money about 10 years ago. He then started to think he was the one who achieved everything. Then he was going to act like that too. The verbal abuse started. I hold on for 8 years and then I collapsed and left. Now I know, I got very depressed. That what he wanted me to do he blames on me. But I know in the end I will get my revenge. I really will. XXX


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Elisabeth, I can tell you part of the reason why you are not healing as fast as you would like, you are still in contact. Talking to friends about him is still in contact, it doesn’t have to come from him. I ended up telling everyone that knew him I didn’t want to hear what he was doing, some of my friends could not abide by my wishes and I had to stop seeing them. They couldn’t not tell me, it drove them crazy, one particular “friend” only ever called me when he had seen James. I knew if he called James had just been there and Jim (the friend) was splitting a seam wanting to tell me all about it and it always hurt, always. Yes a part of me wanted to know what he was doing but it was never a good outcome. It always hurt because it would rip the bandaid off again. Why do you want to hear what he is doing? is there anything that is going to make you feel better? I doubt it. If he is happy then you will be miserable,l if he is unhappy then you are happy for what? 5 minutes and angry and all that negativity eats away at you. He is still controlling you and your emotions. You are still reacting to him. Him saying he saw you on a dating site is no big deal, you being on the site or him saying he knows you were on a site. Why analyze why he said it, who cares if you don’t tell him all you hear? You shouldn’t be hearing anything. You are doing the dance with him still. It’s over, let it die a natural death and go no contact, you are torturing yourself. Maybe you have to talk to him about the property or whatever, that can be done in a quick email, dating sites is not talking about the mortgage, talking to friends about how he is spending his money is none of your business any more. Sorry, I am sure you don’t want to hear this but I had some ladies tell me the same thing and I knew they were right, I wasn’t letting go. I was still hooked on keeping track of his escapades and it was not my job any more. I know it is hard after that many years, but it is not going to get easier and you already resent all the time you invested in someone who doesn’t give a shit and you are investing MORE of your life into a lost cause. You will never move on, never meet another man if you are still focused on your ex. you have to find other things to take up space in your head, you can’t stop thinking about someone when you don’t stop thinking about them by choice.
      You are angry, yep, you have every right, but you can only be angry about what he did to you and that is part of the past now. Some times victims hang onto their hurt because it keeps them attached to the abuser. If you are still the wounded one he is still in your life if you stop talking about him, stop hurting over him that means you are moving on and you don’t want to move on, you are clinging to your hurt as tightly as you hung onto the marriage only now he has another woman and he is still pushing your buttons and playing you like a puppet. You want revenge? go no contact. No contact is for yourself but a side bonus to it is that you not responding, not talking about him or to him means he is not in control of you any more and that is going to bug him more than any reaction he gets from you. They are like a 3 year old who wants attention, he doesn’t care if it is good or bad, happy, sad, angry, as long as he can get a reaction he is happy. And as long as he can get a reaction from you the longer he can keep the mask on with the new woman because he can hurt you. Cut him out of your life and he will have to find another punching bag and the mask will start to slip. You are helping him hook the new woman.
      For 31 years you were the constant, you still are!!
      It is a waste of time to try to get revenge against a narcissist because they really don’t care! there is nothing that you can do to them that they can’t do 10 x’s worse and they always get revenge. Sure we like to fantasize about revenge but we also have a conscience and if we do something the momentary satisfaction is fleeting and then the guilt starts and then he will use that against you.
      Your best bet for healing and having a life worth living is to go no contact, whatsoever. Get the lawyers to handle the division of property, there is no reason for you to be talking to him.


      1. Elisabeth

        Thank you Carrie for your reply. Deep down inside I already knew, what you are going to tell me. It is my own fault, that I still hear things about him. I was on holiday one week and had a very good time with a friend of mine, because there were no connections over there. I will keep your good advice in mind. Xxx Elisabeth


  3. Lauren

    I firmly believe the best place to start is by taking NO responsibility for what a narcissist Chose ALONE to do and place FULL responsibility on the narcissist. Partial responsibility on the victim still smacks of excuse making of the SAME kind that got the victims in deeper. Enough with the Stockholm syndrome drug out far past its time!!!
    Red flags my ass! Does anybody really believe there were red flags that only the victim missed? If there were any red flags, everyone around the victim who still isn’t convinced of the abuse is missing the “red flags” TOO.

    What others CHOOSE to do as an act of abuse has NOthing to do with some “flaw” their victims. Some people are just BAD people and were what they are long before we met them…and still will be the SAME scum waving as many white flags as possible to suck in their next victims.
    They wave anything BUT red flags.
    Enough of the blame game carried long past KNOWing there was ONE bad guy with whom ALL blame got his (ONLY) own choices in behavior…
    which “just happened to be” the polar OPPOSITE of Yours.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Lauren, you sound very angry and undoubtedly you have every reason to be. I agree the victim can not be blamed for their own abuse, they had no idea what they were getting into, the N is evil and heartless, out to destroy the victim. BUT once the victim knows what they are dealing with they have to find some way of ending it because the N will never end it. So the victim has to take some responsibility for their own well-being because if they don’t they will end up being abused by the N forever more.
      I don’t think the victim is flawed and that is why they are targeted by the N, I do not believe that all victims are co-dependent or any other nonsense, any one can be a victim. BUT once a person has been with an N for a period of time their emotional stability and self esteem are damaged immensely. Stockholm Syndrome is a very real condition as is PTSD in victims. To think that a person is going to leave an abusive relationship perfectly healthy is naive and very damaging to the victim.
      Like I have said many times, I can not be held responsible for a relationship built on lies. BUT as much as my ex screwed around on me and stole from me, and lied to me and was physically abusive to me……………..I stayed for 10 years and was a basket case when the relationship ended. I have to own that and fix that part of me.

      If I don’t acknowledge that and do something to fix that part of me I am helpless to prevent it from happening to me again and again. To say that the victim had no power, no choice in the relationship is saying that we have no way of protecting ourselves and we might as well just stumble through life hoping to hell we don’t “accidentally” fall in love with another N or go through life never trusting men again, never loving again because we are too afraid to let anyone get close. Personally, I want something good to come from my experiences in life, I want to learn and become more self aware and be the best me I can be. Don’t you?

      There most definitely are red flags, no not everyone sees them; unless they have been involved with a narcissist before and then there are very definite red flags. The victim had better come away from the experience smarter than when they went in.

      I understand your anger but you aren’t doing yourself any favors by not accepting some power over your life.


  4. EliminateEvil26



  5. Anonymous

    Blah, blah, blah a woman can’t make rational decisions and has a victim complex – what’s new? First, we would have to make arranged marriages so you dumb broads wouldn’t go after narcissists LIKE YOU ALWAYS HAVE. Then you just cry about it once you get old and aren’t fit for anything else. Oh yeah, where was I? Kill all soulless narcissists.



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