Excellent Article On “Why Didn’t You Just Leave?”

With all the publicity lately surrounding Ray Rice and Oscar Pistorius the topic of Domestic Violence has been brought to the forefront in the news; and the injustice we see happening when it comes to the abuser paying for his crimes of abuse. The obvious disregard for the rights of the victim is unbelievable and discouraging; it is almost enough to make a victim feel that there is no point in even trying to seek justice and she should quietly hide in a corner and pray he leaves her alone and doesn’t harm her any more.

To speak out can put the victim directly in harm’s way because the abuser never wants to be revealed for the person he really is, whether he is a football player or a mechanic at the local garage. There are two things a narcissist hates more than you, being opposed and being exposed.

But there is only one way to end domestic abuse and that is to keep speaking out, louder than ever, voices from all corners of the world united in a chorus of the truth exposing these toxic soul crushers for what they are; the more voices the louder it gets and sooner or later someone has to pay attention.

Society is starting to grumble, with Pistorius and Rice, people are realizing something is terribly wrong with our judicial system, that if a man that famous will do something like that then maybe there is more to this than just weak women who like to be slapped around.

Now, more than ever we have to ride the momentum and shout it out, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I hope we all are out there raising awareness any way we can.

I know some women (and men) don’t feel comfortable speaking out, or maybe they are just too afraid of their ex; i don’t want anyone to do anything that might jeopardize their safety, but there are ways you can speak out anonymously, put posters up raising awareness, post anonymously on the internet and  if you are in an abusive relationship take the steps you can to get out before it is too late.

Please do not excuse the abuse any more, don’t make excuses for him, stop dreaming about the day he morphs back into the man you fell in love with, it isn’t going to happen. Be prepared, admit, if only to yourself; that you are in danger and take notes, tell someone you trust, start journaling, and building your evidence against him; at least if he kills you there is a chance he will pay for his crimes.

The following Huffington Post article is something we should all pass along to as many people as we can, it is sobering and needs to be heard by society worldwide. Please share these true stories of abuse and why these women didn’t “just Leave” here is the link

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave_n_5805134.html?ir=Crime

Sorry for the screw up on the original post. I don’t know what happened.

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12 Replies to “Excellent Article On “Why Didn’t You Just Leave?””

  1. Yes, I’m finding myself coming out of my own fog and day by day getting clearer & gaining strength with reading the posts here, feeling so very thankful to be learning all I can about what has happened to me over the past 6 years in being the victim of my Narcissistic abuser. I called in to a radio program this evening that was discussing the Reeva Steenkamp killing and I told of my experiences being verbally & psychically attacked, although not being hit physically, but getting smacked again and again with blasts of negativity by being repeatedly lied to and manipulated, belittled and insulted, criticized and controlled by fear and hurt by Mr ex, and I brought up the topic of Narcissism and traumatic psychological/emotional abuse. I must say, it was a freeing feeling to begin telling my truth to the world.

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  2. O, good for you!! as long as it doesn’t put you in danger. I hate to encourage people to speak out because it is opening yourself up for revenge from the N but that is what gives them strength and makes it so easy for them to continue woman after woman. They have the woman so afraid that she is just so happy to have gotten out alive she runs away and hides and that is exactly what the narcissist wants.
    There are no repercussions to speak of, the few women that do call the police or try to get help aren’t taken seriously. One of the women speaking talked about calling the police and her ex went out and smoozed the cops and by the time they got to her they basically believed she was just crazy because her ex was calm cool and collected and she was emotionally overwrought. That is exactly what james used to do. Listening to her I got chills.
    Almost all of them were choked. That was the first thing James did to me, the first time he was physically abusive and I said to him that it was very close to being abusive. “close” , he was close to killing me. He would say things like, “you talk like I abuse you, a real man would have done something a long time ago.” or “It’s not like I come home and beat you every night.”
    It took 10 years for it to get so bad that I was afraid to fall asleep. I knew he was going to kill me and I found myself wishing he would just get it over with instead of waiting, wondering how and when he was going to do it.
    The woman goes so long thinking she can handle it, it’s not that bad, but she never knows when he will lose control and not be able to stop. Like they say, “An abusive relationship only ends one of two ways. Someone leaves or someone dies.”
    Be glad you left.
    Hugs
    Carrie

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    1. Carrie, I am truly glad I left him before he ever struck me. JB is much bigger than I, maybe 250# and I’m barely 100# soaking wet, so I’m pretty sure he knew that one hit would have likely killed me. I believe it is because he still has a child at home who he needs as NS that he didn’t ever lose it and physically strike me, although I am still very afraid that he is plotting to somehow do damage to my world here in revenge for me rejecting him. This evening I saw my opportunity to speak out publicly and I felt safe calling up the radio program because JB doesn’t listen to talk radio, and I gave the call screener a nickname that he isn’t familiar with me using, plus they said I was a caller from Washington D.C. and I didn’t bother correcting them. Calling in didn’t put me in danger. t said I was a victim of Narcissistic abuse, and although he didn’t hit me, he traumatized me emotionally & physically hurt me in ways that wouldn’t be seen by others, such as biting me and squeezing my limbs so tightly that he frequently left bruises, and many times when we would have sex he would ram his c**k into me so hard it would make me scream in pain, and then he’d tell me I needed to take vitamins because I bruise too easily and to loosen up and get into the passionate sex. I said he was a cruel man, and a sick man. It was the first time I’d said that out loud and it felt freeing. My gratitude to you for your advocating that each of us tell our truth in whatever ways we can while staying safe.

      (((Hugsback)))

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  3. When Ray Rice’s wife came out to express her anger at the NFL I guess it was and the public basically for him getting fired, I was thinking all kinds of things that others were obviously not understanding.

    I know what it’s like to take the side of an abuser and really feel love and believe that he is worth standing up for. So I’m thinking there’s that. But also that statement could’ve come from fear of him doing worse if she didn’t. Could be her wanting to “do what’s right for her man” so she looks good in his eyes.

    Her statement illustrated anger to all but he who abused/abuses her. And I know that has much to do with Stockholm Syndrome. (correct me if I’m wrong though.)

    So the link to the article was all over Facebook and so I clicked on it to read the comments. I was curious but also knew it might trigger me too and I was right.

    One person…a woman no less wrote in her comment (and I”m paraphrasing) “No sympathy from me.” She went on to say something about leaving or using “some of all that money you have” to get counseling.”

    It was a really angry comment toward Ray Rice’s WIFE!!! I told myself this is someone who doesn’t understand the psychology of abuse and I was going to respond and educate her somewhat from what I know. But I refrained for a couple reasons.

    One of which I was triggered already. And I did not want to deal with this angry person I didn’t even know coming back with some ridiculous callous argument.

    Btw:
    The link you posted above doesn’t go anywhere.

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  4. Im filing for divorce and have locked him out of our room. Ive had enough…he raised his hand to hit me when I got in his face to rage back at him. That was the last straw. Hes furious..
    At this point he tries to continually barge in my bedroom , doesnt knock before he comes in…that pisses him off he cant see what im up to. I will keep all posted.

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  5. What an excellent and valuable post! Thank you! I was married to a narc for 27 years. Once I found out who he really was, it took me 2 years of counseling and reading posts like these to get the strength to finally leave him, which I did in December 2012. I left EVERYTHING behind except for a few clothes and personal items and went into hiding so he couldn’t woe me back. I’ve been rebuilding myself since. I see these stories about Ray Rice’s wife and Reeva and I totally get it. They don’t speak up because they are in it too deep. They can’t see the forest through the trees..

    I’m sure people are wondering why I didn’t speak up to XXX and why didn’t I fight back? I’ve wondered too and thought long and hard about this. And here is what I’ve come up with. Some of these reasons might appear lame and maybe some you can relate to. All I can say is that I made the best decisions that I could at the time based on what I knew at that moment. Was it perfect? Not by a long-shot. I look back and I am ashamed that I didn’t speak up or stand up to him. I’m embarrassed that I was so weak that I let XXX walk all over me. I feel responsible for the animals I was forced to leave behind and I so wish I could just push him off my farm, take it back, and remedy all of this.

    1. Hindsight gives one such clarity. It is so easy to play Monday morning quarterback and say what you should have done. The reality is, however, that all of us make decisions based on what the reality is at that particular moment. We are rarely armed with all of the facts and there are many unknowns. In a way, it is like walking in the dark. You know you are sort of headed in the correct direction because you can see outlines and shapes of your environment, but you can’t see if there is a hole or an obstacle that you need to change direction to avoid.

    2. Disagreeing with XXX made me the enemy. It was easier to go along with it or ignore it. Plus, good partners, wives and mates generally support one another’s ideas. XXX had already told me for years that I was not supportive of his home business and that I was not supportive or appreciative of his efforts building up our rescue farm. I wanted to prove him wrong and prove to him that I was an important part of the farm. I loved my marriage and it was the most important thing in my life besides my animals. I believed that one of the essential components of a good marriage is a building a good partnership. Partners support each other’s ideas, they don’t bash them. They respect one another and try to please each other. They protect each other’s backs and don’t betray family secrets or weaknesses. So I played my role, went along with his ideas for the most part or ignored them and allowed him to do it, and just tried to be a good team player. Interestingly enough, while XXX made it clear that I was of no value to the farm, he would occasionally announce what an excellent partner I was (guess he liked the money I was making). Talk about mixed messages.

    3. I was afraid of XXX. I knew if I went against him (especially in public) that I would pay for it sometime down the road. The silent treatment was his favorite punishment. He would spend days not speaking to me and acting as though I didn’t exist. Leaving me to do feeds alone was his second favorite (I loved doing feeds alone but I didn’t tell him that). God, how many times did I have to do a feed alone because, “I had to run all over town today for this errand and now it’s your turn”, or “I had to feed alone last night (because I had to work late) so now it’s your turn”. And while he never physically hit me, he used his words like weapons, criticizing everything I did – my cooking, the way I dressed, my behavior, the conversations I had with friends. He would tell me I had no value; that I was “worthless”. You tell me having the most influential person in your life repeating these things over and over doesn’t beat you down. Physical wounds stop hurting after a while. Mental scars are deep and lasting.

    4.I was also afraid of the damage he would do to me if he felt angry or betrayed while I was away at work. Remember, I was away from the home working 60-80 hours each week while he was home alone. And he had the “Keys to the Kingdom” with plenty of unsupervised time to damage our relationship (with other relationships), to hide money or open new accounts, credit cards, etc., to buy things (like more animals or things like the T-shirt printing equipment so I could make T-shirts for him in my spare time). I had no control over him and had no idea what he was doing, how much money he made, where it was going. Being the agreeable wife kept him content which meant maybe he wouldn’t do these things (he did anyway).

    5. Part of me believed he was trying to do the right thing. Since that is how I think, it is natural to assume that those people closest to you think the same way. I know now he was not trying to do the right thing. XXX was doing things that would pay off and make him look better, get more attention, get more money, etc. But I didn’t realize this at the time. I really believed he was trying to do the right thing for the right reasons. And If I fought him, I was being disloyal and unsupportive of him, which also meant I was unsupportive of the farm and animals. I stayed in this marriage a year longer than I should have because I would say to myself “Yes, I’m miserable and this is a horrible existence, but I am responsible for these lives. I took them on and I have to do the right thing by them. Their needs outweigh my needs so I’ll stay because of them.” XXX knew I felt that way and used it to his advantage. Only when I realized in talking with a volunteer friend that the animals might pick up on my unhappiness which could affect their health did I rethink this position. My beloved horse becoming deathly ill convinced me. She got terribly sick and the vet found it odd that out of all of the horses who had all been exposed to the same disease Shirley was the only one to get ill from it. But it isn’t so odd when you know that immune systems stop working when confronted with stress (the body lets out the stress hormone cortisol which lowers the immune systems ability to fight disease and cancers). My friend believes that Shirley (who was the closest to me and my love) was picking up the tension and stress from XXX and I and that made her more susceptible to disease. Here I was forcing myself to stay thinking I was doing it for the animals when I was actually doing them more harm than good!

    6. I was in the dark. I didn’t speak up because I didn’t always know what was going on. I was never home, I didn’t have a computer (XXX stated we couldn’t have 2 lines for years because of where we lived…I now know that this is crap but I didn’t then), I didn’t know anyone, or group, XXX was talking about. For instance, the wild mustangs were acquired the first week I had started a new job in a hospital. I shared a communal office with a dozen people, could not make personal phone calls, and had no contact with XXX during work hours. That meant he was left for hours every day battling other animal rescuers and playing “hero” to all of his facebook followers while I was adjusting to a new job and all that entailed. I remember in desperation writing him an email from work begging him to keep me in the loop with the mustang situation. I was part of this farm, too! He never did. He pursued those mustangs with a vengeance and wanted them so he could win and be viewed as the great animal rescuer. No matter that we had no experience with these animals or had any idea how to handle one. He was going to win at all costs. This also happened with dozens of other animals that came to the farm. XXX worked all his dealings unbeknownst to me behind the scenes. In reality, we had no right bringing these animals into the farm. Neither one of us had experience with these species. XXX would spin it saying that the animals were better off at our farm than where they were originally, and that was probably somewhat right. But then we should have aggressively placed them somewhere else or learned how to care for them instead of using these poor creatures to grow the farm. But I have to remember, it never was about the animals and their welfare. It was all about XXX and the attention he would get from his actions.

    7. I trusted him. I trusted he had my best interests at heart like I did his. I trusted he had the “teams” best interest at heart. Why? Because he told me so and I believed him. I believed him when he said he was doing this for “the team”. I believed him when he said he was doing this to help in-need animals. Looking back, however, there was no team. Nobody even knew who I was! I was the one paying for it all, doing all of the animal vet care and most of the feeds, and yet no one had ever even heard of me!

    8. I loved him. XXX was the love-of-my-life and I was his biggest fan. He told me he loved me constantly even when his eyes and actions didn’t match his words. I believed he loved me like I loved him and as I would never use someone I love for my own benefit, I assumed he wouldn’t either. Using somebody that cares for you isn’t love. It is the antithesis of love. Love is putting the other person first, not yourself. And for years, XXX used to call me his best friend. In 2011, I insisted he stop because when I looked up the definition of best friend in the dictionary, it finally dawned on me that XXX had none of the characteristics of a best friend! Not even one! I stopped believing his words after that because his walk never matched his talk.

    9. I was tired, physically and mentally and simply too tired to fight back. For years I had worked non-stop growing my career, making money, and working the farm. My only off times (the weekends) were spent doing non-stop volunteer activities. Even week nights were spent attending dinners or trivia or other celebrations for somebody else. And too, ever since I discovered the “real” XXX in December 2010, I stopped sleeping. I lay awake wondering who this person was I was married to and what other surprises lay in wait for me. Many times I wondered if it wasn’t a matter of time before I succumbed to cancer or some other disease just based on my perpetual state of exhaustion. I could never stop, never take a breath, never just be. I was too tired to fight…it was just easier to go along with whatever.

    10. I am, and always have been, and always will be, a peacemaker. I do not like confrontation and I will do everything in my power to keep peace. I am not a fighter. If given a choice I will flight rather than fight. I will give up my own needs for others and for the greater good. Good or bad, it is how I am wired. XXX knew this and he used it to manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do. I am embarrassed that I allowed this to happen, but I did and I own that behavior. All I can do now is learn and vow to never let it happen again.

    I know this is long but I hope it helps someone. I’m still in a fog a lot of days, but it was 27 years that I have to overcome, and I am making steady progress. I still feel a terrible loss especially towards my animals who I miss very much, but leaving XXX as I did to never return was the exact perfect thing to do. NO CONTACT with these users! I know that I am on the right path now and now that I am finally finding my voice, I will not be quiet about this abuse any longer. My very heartfelt love and best wishes to everybody going through this journey. You are not alone. It will get better. You will be a better person as a result of this. And life will be good again! 🙂

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    1. CJ Lucy, thank you for sharing, I am sure many women here can relate!
      You are right, life will be good again. It has been 4 years for me and for the most part I feel almost healed but there are days I will have flashbacks or have a good cry. But all in all I am happy and looking forward to the future without him.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  6. Hmm it seems like your website ate my first comment (it was super long)
    so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I as well am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the whole
    thing. Do you have any tips and hints for inexperienced
    blog writers? I’d certainly appreciate it.

    Like

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