I was reading a post from one of the blogs I follow and really enjoy, An Upturned Soul, the link to the post is here.
I commented on the post but will get into more depth here about how our actions affect those around us.
There is a tendency with victims to forget how their actions affect those who love them. We think, it’s my choice, it is my life, I am the only one who will get hurt if I go back to the narcissist. “What have I got to lose? I have invested however many months, years into the relationship, why not try again?” We are so consumed with our broken heart and making the pain stop that we don’t think about how our choices will have long term effects on mostly our children.
Often times women come in here with small children and say that their children are not affected by the abuse, that they are a good mom and the N is a good father and they don’t want to deny their children their father, they are staying for the kids. No you are not, be honest, you want to stay or go back because you don’t want to walk away, it has nothing to do with the kids. If you did care about the kids you would walk away and be the best mom you can be. You can not possibly be a good mom when your heart is constantly broken, you are consumed with where your husband was last night when he didn’t come home, or when he is screaming at you that dinner is late or whatever he has chosen to bitch about. You can not be a good mom when your heart is breaking and you are being treated like dirt under your husbands feet.
Or maybe you are split from the ex but still remaining in contact and he spends the odd night, then he does something to break your heart again, don’t kid yourself that your children don’t feel it, they may not know why, but they feel something, they know something is wrong.
Yes you are a crying mess when you first leave the N and it is hard on them to see you that way but at least you will eventually heal and be the mom they deserve, but only if the N is out of your life.
But what if he changes?
but what if he doesn’t? are you willing to scar your children for life on a hope and a prayer? In the big picture is it worth it? is it worth the legacy you saddle your kids with?
I am here to tell you, “NO it is not worth it” you will know that after it is too late and you see the pain in your child that you had the power to prevent.
You may not have children at home, like me, they may be out of the house and on their own and you think you are free to make your own choices, that your choices will not affect them, you won’t drag them into your life and you can keep the two separate. Don’t kid yourself.
My greatest regret of my life is the way my relationship with the WOSPOS affected my son. My son only lived with my ex and I for brief periods of time throughout the 10 years and I tried to protect him from knowing the truth of what was going on but the WOSPOS was determined to drag my son into it for some sick reason only he can know. Why a grown man would taunt a 18 year old young man by saying things like, “I already hit your mom and I will hit you too you punk.” is beyond me. Why he would say that my son was welcome to come and stay and then refuse to let him have a room to sleep in is beyond me. Because he is a waste of skin and a sick son of a bitch is the only reason I can think of. The WOSPOS would love nothing better than to charge my son with assault, and is so stupid and so set on revenge or “winning” that he would taunt someone quite capable of doing him major damage because he is so sick and gets so into his plots that he forgets the consequences to himself. It is only because my son exhibited phenomenal self control that he didn’t pound the WOSPOS.
I hope one day someone does get revenge on my ex, I hope one day a big burly brother of some woman he screws over beats him to a pulp and kicks him to the curb; it is what he deserves in spades. He is a despicable person who deserves any harm that comes his way. But I don’t want my son to pay that price because the POS isn’t worth it.
I was at my son’s for dinner with him and his new girlfriend and the WOSPOS’s name came up because I was talking about Kato and I assumed my son would have told his girlfriend about WOSPOS. My son was in the kitchen and when he walked back onto the patio his girlfriend was saying, “No my son had never mentioned the WOSPOS.” As far as my son is concerned the WOSPOS does not exist, but when his name was brought up my son could not contain his hatred. I ended up throwing my arms around him and apologizing and all three of us held each other and cried. My son’s girlfriend tried to make him feel better and he said, “The %$#*& hit my mother, he ruined my mom’s life.” She, the sweetheart she is said, “You mom looks pretty good to me and her life doesn’t seem ruined to me.”
We made a vow to never bring up the wospos’s name again, I will keep that vow. I regret ever bringing that piece of shit into my son’s life. I don’t know what kind of sick bastard would purposed apologize to a young man and beg for his forgiveness just so he could devastate the young man’s mother. Tell the young man that all he wanted was for the 3 of us to be a family and admit to everything he ever did wrong, cry and tell the young man that he loved the young man’s mother more than anything and vow to take care of his mom. Knowing the whole time it was a lie and he was living with another woman in another province. In his mind he is the all powerful super human who sucked in a mom and her son, he was patting himself on the back for his great acting skills and laughing about how gullible we both were and probably pretty proud of himself thinking about the discord it would cause between my son and myself. Or maybe it was just that he knew the best way to hurt me would be to hurt my boy. Who knows. Who cares what he reasons were for doing what he did, maybe it was just so he could get me to fund the fuel for his new trucking company, maybe it was to suck me into paying the new child support he promised to pay to the mother of the son he fathered 15 years prior, maybe it was the only way he could get me back and he would resort to any means to destroy me.
None of it matters now. the damage is done and I take responsibility for that because it was totally in my control, if I would have stayed no contact I never would have heard the lies about how he had been given 6 months to live, I never would have had to wonder if he was lying, I would have saved myself and my son from the sick ego building antics of the WOSPOS. This is one of those instances when “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is true.
My son is a wonderful man, who lives his life honestly, he never uses any one for his own gain, he treats everyone with respect, he has a woman who sees his sweet giving nature and appreciates my boy for the man he is, a man of integrity. A man who never exploits the good things he does to make himself look good. His girl friend told me she took him to meet friends of hers who are going through a bad time financially. She said nothing was said about the troubles they are going through but my son could see with his own eyes they didn’t have much food and had children etc. She said nothing was said after they left either but the next day my son arrived at the friends house with $100 worth of groceries he had bought. THAT is the kind of man my son is. The WOSPOS can only dream of having half the integrity of my son.
It is unlikely the WOSPOS will ever read this because he says that he has no interest in what I am doing and does not have a clue what I am doing with my life so obviously my IP tracker is malfunctioning; BUT if by chance he does comes across this post I just want to say; don’t let your ego get the better of you and think you are some sort of real man because you were able to hurt a woman and suck in a young man who loves his momma. It only show what a sick bastard you really are and proves you are what I say you are and no matter what you say, no matter how many times you deflect your atrocious actions onto me, I know the truth and the truth is I wasted many years loving someone incapable of loving me back and I did nothing wrong other than put my trust and faith in someone who made his own selfish needs and wants a priority and to hell with anyone who got in his way.
To other victims out there who are uncertain about what to do when the narc in their life comes professing his love and begging once again for a 2nd chance learn from my mistakes, your actions will affect your children and anyone else that loves you long after the N has kicked you to the curb. This is much bigger than just you, the N might badmouth you to everyone they meet, blame you for the things they did to you; but YOU know the truth, the people who love you know the truth and you will never get the N to admit to what he did because he is sick. Cut your losses and choose to be happy, choose to be the mother, sister, daughter, brother, father, person you were meant to be, don’t let the N cast his black cloud over your life, don’t let his sickness invade your soul.
I spent the day with an old friend yesterday, she is one of my best friends and I think she is one of the kindest, giving, understanding people I know. I have never seen her angry, never seen her take advantage of anyone or act selfish in any way. I think the world of her. Last time we talked she was in a relatively new relationship and very happy, she thought he could be “the one”, so I asked how things were going. She had broken up with him. Of course I asked what happened.
She told me of 5 occasions where he talked to her disrespectfully or exhibited inappropriate anger, she had told him each time that she had not appreciated the way he treated her and he had never really owned it. He had given the same apology most of us have heard, “I am sorry but you……….. (something you did made me do what I did)” She said the last time she went home and thought about it for a day and then contacted him and said they needed to talk. She told him that he had anger issues that concerned her and she was giving him his key back and didn’t want to see him any more. Oh he tried to guilt her into changing her mind and she asked me what I thought. She said 95% of the time the relationship was wonderful. I told her I was so proud of her to stand her ground and walk away now, to listen to her gut and things never get better.
She did the healthy thing, she was not cruel, she was not selfish, she was not manipulative, she spoke her truth and she demanded respect. We are afraid to demand respect because if we make a stand we might have to walk away, but if you allow someone to disrespect you, you have lost the battle right then and there. It is only a matter of time before you are miserable and things are bad 95% of the time and you are trying to revive something that died long ago.