I Am Only Hurting Myself

I was reading a post from one of the blogs I follow and really enjoy, An Upturned Soul, the link to the post is here.

I commented on the post but will get into more depth here about how our actions affect those around us.

There is a tendency with victims to forget how their actions affect those who love them. We think, it’s my choice, it is my life, I am the only one who will get hurt if I go back to the narcissist. “What have I got to lose? I have invested however many months, years into the relationship, why not try again?” We are so consumed with our broken heart and making the pain stop that we don’t think about how our choices will have long term effects on mostly our children.

Often times women come in here with small children and say that their children are not affected by the abuse, that they are a good mom and the N is a good father and they don’t want to deny their children their father, they are staying for the kids. No you are not, be honest, you want to stay or go back because you don’t want to walk away, it has nothing to do with the kids. If you did care about the kids you would walk away and be the best mom you can be. You can not possibly be a good mom when your heart is constantly broken, you are consumed with where your husband was last night when he didn’t come home, or when he is screaming at you that dinner is late or whatever he has chosen to bitch about. You can not be a good mom when your heart is breaking and you are being treated like dirt under your husbands feet.

Or maybe you are split from the ex but still remaining in contact and he spends the odd night, then he does something to break your heart again, don’t kid yourself that your children don’t feel it, they may not know why, but they feel something, they know something is wrong.

Yes you are a crying mess when you first leave the N and it is hard on them to see you that way but at least you will eventually heal and be the mom they deserve, but only if the N is out of your life.

But what if he changes?

but what if he doesn’t? are you willing to scar your children for life on a hope and a prayer? In the big picture is it worth it? is it worth the legacy you saddle your kids with?

I am here to tell you, “NO it is not worth it” you will know that after it is too late and you see the pain in your child that you had the power to prevent.

You may not have children at home, like me, they may be out of the house and on their own and you think you are free to make your own choices, that your choices will not affect them, you won’t drag them into your life and you can keep the two separate. Don’t kid yourself.

My greatest regret of my life is the way my relationship with the WOSPOS affected my son. My son only lived with my ex and I for brief periods of time throughout the 10 years and I tried to protect him from knowing the truth of what was going on but the WOSPOS was determined to drag my son into it for some sick reason only he can know. Why a grown man would taunt a 18 year old young man by saying things like, “I already hit your mom and I will hit you too you punk.” is beyond me. Why he would say that my son was welcome to come and stay and then refuse to let him have a room to sleep in is beyond me. Because he is a waste of skin and a sick son of a bitch is the only reason I can think of. The WOSPOS would love nothing better than to charge my son with assault, and is so stupid and so set on revenge or “winning” that he would taunt someone quite capable of doing him major damage because he is so sick and gets so into his plots that he forgets the consequences to himself. It is only because my son exhibited phenomenal self control that he didn’t pound the WOSPOS.

I hope one day someone does get revenge on my ex, I hope one day a big burly brother of some woman he screws over beats him to a pulp and kicks him to the curb; it is what he deserves in spades. He is a despicable person who deserves any harm that comes his way. But I don’t want my son to pay that price because the POS isn’t worth it.

I was at my son’s for dinner with him and his new girlfriend and the WOSPOS’s name came up because I was talking about Kato and I assumed my son would have told his girlfriend about WOSPOS. My son was in the kitchen and when he walked back onto the patio his girlfriend was saying, “No my son had never mentioned the WOSPOS.” As far as my son is concerned the WOSPOS does not exist, but when his name was brought up my son could not contain his hatred. I ended up throwing my arms around him and apologizing and all three of us held each other and cried. My son’s girlfriend tried to make him feel better and he said, “The %$#*& hit my mother, he ruined my mom’s life.” She, the sweetheart she is said, “You mom looks pretty good to me and her life doesn’t seem ruined to me.”

We made a vow to never bring up the wospos’s  name again, I will keep that vow. I regret ever bringing that piece of shit into my son’s life. I don’t know what kind of sick bastard would purposed apologize to a young man and beg for his forgiveness just so he could devastate the young man’s mother. Tell the young man that all he wanted was for the 3 of us to be a family and admit to everything he ever did wrong, cry and tell the young man that he loved the young man’s mother more than anything and vow to take care of his mom. Knowing the whole time it was a lie and he was living with another woman in another province. In his mind he is the all powerful super human who sucked in a mom and her son, he was patting himself on the back for his great acting skills and laughing about how gullible we both were and probably pretty proud of himself thinking about the discord it would cause between my son and myself. Or maybe it was just that he knew the best way to hurt me would be to hurt my boy. Who knows. Who cares what he reasons were for doing what he did, maybe it was just so he could get me to fund the fuel for his new trucking company, maybe it was to suck me into paying the new child support he promised to pay to the mother of the son he fathered 15 years prior, maybe it was the only way he could get me back and he would resort to any means to destroy me.

None of it matters now. the damage is done and I take responsibility for that because it was totally in my control, if I would have stayed no contact I never would have heard the lies about how he had been given 6 months to live, I never would have had to wonder if he was lying, I would have saved myself and my son from the sick ego building antics of the WOSPOS. This is one of those instances when “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is true.

My son is a wonderful man, who lives his life honestly, he never uses any one for his own gain, he treats everyone with respect, he has a woman who sees his sweet giving nature and appreciates my boy for the man he is, a man of integrity.  A man who never exploits the good things he does to make himself look good. His girl friend told me she took him to meet friends of hers who are going through a bad time financially. She said nothing was said about the troubles they are going through but my son could see with his own eyes they didn’t have much food and had children etc. She said nothing was said after they left either but the next day my son arrived at the friends house with $100 worth of groceries he had bought. THAT is the kind of man my son is. The WOSPOS can only dream of having half the integrity of my son.

It is unlikely the WOSPOS will ever read this because he says that he has no interest in what I am doing and does not have a clue what I am doing with my life so obviously my IP tracker is malfunctioning; BUT  if by chance he does comes across this post I just want to say; don’t let your ego get the better of you and think you are some sort of real man because you were able to hurt a woman and suck in a young man who loves his momma. It only show what a sick bastard you really are and proves you are what I say you are and no matter what you say, no matter how many times you deflect your atrocious actions onto me, I know the truth and the truth is I wasted many years loving someone incapable of loving me back and I did nothing wrong other than put my trust and faith in someone who made his own selfish needs and wants a priority and to hell with anyone who got in his way.

To other victims out there who are uncertain about what to do when the narc in their life comes professing his love and begging once again for a 2nd chance learn from my mistakes, your actions will affect your children and anyone else that loves you long after the N has kicked you to the curb. This is much bigger than just you, the N might badmouth you to everyone they meet, blame you for the things they did to you; but YOU know the truth, the people who love you know the truth and you will never get the N to admit to what he did because he is sick. Cut your losses and choose to be happy, choose to be the mother, sister, daughter, brother, father, person you were meant to be, don’t let the N cast his black cloud over your life, don’t let his sickness invade your soul.

I spent the day with an old friend yesterday, she is one of my best friends and I think she is one of the kindest, giving, understanding people I know. I have never seen her angry, never seen her take advantage of anyone or act selfish in any way. I think the world of her. Last time we talked she was in a relatively new relationship and very happy, she thought he could be “the one”, so I asked how things were going. She had broken up with him. Of course I asked what happened.

She told me of 5 occasions where he talked to her disrespectfully or exhibited inappropriate anger, she had told him each time that she had not appreciated the way he treated her and he had never really owned it. He had given the same apology most of us have heard, “I am sorry but you……….. (something you did made me do what I did)” She said the last time she went home and thought about it for a day and then contacted him and said they needed to talk. She told him that he had anger issues that concerned her and she was giving him his key back and didn’t want to see him any more. Oh he tried to guilt her into changing her mind and she asked me what I thought. She said 95% of the time the relationship was wonderful. I told her I was so proud of her to stand her ground and walk away now, to listen to her gut and things never get better.

She did the healthy thing, she was not cruel, she was not selfish, she was not manipulative, she spoke her truth and she demanded respect. We are afraid to demand respect because if we make a stand we might have to walk away, but if you allow someone to disrespect you, you have lost the battle right then and there. It is only a matter of time before you are miserable and things are bad 95% of the time and you are trying to revive something that died long ago.

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29 Replies to “I Am Only Hurting Myself”

      1. I have not read all the blog but I think this could be a helpful site. My son was married to a narcissists. Unreal what he is dealing with in regards to his children.

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        1. Heartbroken, welcome, I don’t have any experience dealing with an N and children but there are lots of women here who have. If you need to talk or ask questions, please feel free to do so and someone might have some suggestions for you.
          Big hug
          Carrie

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            1. Hi Heartbroken,

              I would be happy to help however I can. I am a middle aged man who was raised in a narcissistic family and went on to have significant relationships with both a BPD woman and an NPD woman. I have a daughter with the BPD woman and we have shared custody. I have my own blog at http://thenarcissistsson.wordpress.com/ where I have accounts of some of my life experiences. If you would like to email directly, you can reach me at stephenbach66@gmail.com. Happy to help however I can.

              Stephen

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  1. Some excellent advice here, Carrie.

    I know that, for me, I spent way too long living in the land of “hope” and refused to face the reality of the situation. This led me to hanging onto severely dysfunctional relationships until I was almost destroyed emotionally. Our kids don’t want to see us an emotional wreck. Also, the relationship role model we are providing to our children when we stay with an abuser is horribly dysfunctional. Is it not better to show our children that when a relationship is horribly dysfunctional and destructive that we end it and move forward? Are we not setting up our children to have dysfunctional relationships if we stay and show them that they have to stay “at all costs”? Severing my relationship with my DD’s mother was absolutely the best thing I could have done for DD and my relationship. I can be the father I want and have the relationship with my DD that I want without interference from crazy.

    One comment if I may: It seems you are still harboring a lot of anger. Is that anger more directed at your ex or yourself? For me, letting go of the anger was critical to moving beyond. They are who they are, and being angry with them only saps *my* energy that I could be focusing on myself and creating a positive future.

    Stephen Bach

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    1. Stephen, thanks for your comments, it’s been awhile!! i don’t know what i am feeling Stephen, I am not angry really, just annoyed I guess. I had a couple of bad days and I think it is tied to the Rice and Pistorious cases. I get angry over the injustice of it all. I am working hard to get funding to go back to school, got rear ended last week and got whip lash and my neck is sore, had my weeping willow break in half and almost take out the cabin and I have to get an arborist to cut it down. This is one HUGE TREE!! I don’t have the money for the arborist and I struggle to get by on $600 a month when my rent is $500 and then I get wind from a friend that he is still slandering me to everyone who will listen. So I go and Google my name and see what comes up and sure enough he has another post up. It just gets tiring. I try to not let it get to me and if he was just talking smack to friends I couldn’t care less but with my funding my internet presence will affect the decision. I know and you know and anyone who has been with a narcissist knows that they will accuse the victim of exactly what they themselves are doing but will the board that gives me the yes or no know?
      I am sorry I dragged my son into the relationship, but I have apologized to him and I forgive myself because i did the best I could at the time. and I am very proud of how far I have come and I am not angry with myself. I don’t get angry really. I don’t know what I feel about WOSPOS maybe the new name I gave him is too hostile? But he gets strokes every time he reads his name here, and I just thought it suited him

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      1. Hi Carrie,

        Yes, it has been a while! I’ve had quite a bit of fun the past few months enjoying the summer and haven’t been around my blog or anyone else’s much lately. Now that it’s fall, I hope to have some more time to spend on blogging, etc.

        Sorry to hear of your recent bout of bad luck. I hope everything eventually works out in a positive way for you. I can certainly understand your dilemma with your ex and schooling, etc, and I can certainly understand how your ex’s behavior continues to frustrate you. I’m sorry that he’s still behaving the way he is.

        I think you are right on when you say that your ex gets strokes from reading his name on your blog. He most certainly does! The fact that it’s been as long as it has since you separated from him and you’re still thinking about him is a big ego boost for him. In his mind he thinks “Damn, I got that b**ch so bad that she won’t ever stop thinking about me!”. It’s a nice dose of N-supply for him. All publicity is good publicity to an N. It doesn’t matter if you change his name on the blog, he still knows the entire blog is mostly about him. That’s why, from my experience, the best tactic is to ignore them. They can’t stand to be ignored. All that being said, I don’t think it’s any reason to ever consider stopping what you’re doing, because you provide an awesome resource to many many people, myself included.

        When you post things about how you know he’s looking at your blog and how he’s posting things online, too, he knows you’re still researching him and looking for him, which means there is still a connection between you and him (in his mind). One approach I’ve taken is to leave them all behind and not waste any energy worrying about what they might be saying or doing. I don’t care what they say or do. It’s not my business. I’ve broken the chains and moved forward, leaving them in my wake. It’s a good feeling.

        I find your comment that you don’t often get angry very interesting. For most of my life, I was incapable of anger. I had learned as a very young boy that anger was ‘inappropriate’, and in order to survive, I had cut it out of my emotional makeup. Letting myself feel anger again has been one of the biggest challenges of my healing journey. Do you think the fact that you seldom get angry has anything to do with how your anger was received by your ex and perhaps others during your life?

        Stephen

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        1. Stephen, i would love to hear more about the fun summer you had! Always love to hear about a survivor of these toxic parasites going on to have fun!
          What I have done with the blog is totally remove his name from every where. It will no longer come up unless people Google my name and he will not find his name anywhere here. He is saying people are finding it because they Google his name. I never did start the blog to slander him and only ever used his name in defense of the lies he was telling about me. But fine, he can have his blogs slandering me and i will take the high road,., I had let it go for over a year and thought, fine what is good for the goose is good for the gander. If he wants to slander me I will defend myself and put his info out there.
          I don;t hide behind a fake name, everyone knows where I live etc he always posts under an alias so there was no track back to him so I put that info out there. Childish maybe? vengeful? I don’t know but I took it all down now. I only had one post defending myself but of course it linked back here.
          Had I known how popular my blog would become I would not have used my real name Lady witha truck doesn’t even suit the topic of the blog but it grew and now I don’t want to lose the momentum I have built up and it is what I am known as and it does provide credibility when I want to show I have done good work in the area and education in the field wouldn’t be a waste.
          It is what it is. Things will turn out as they should.
          The anger thing. Growing up I was not allowed to show any emotion not approved of by my father so I grew up not showing anger. Had ulcers by the time I was 9. School counselors calling my mom and telling her there was a problem with my dad and her telling my dad who told her they were all flakes and prohibiting me from going to counseling.
          I went to counseling through out my adult life and when ever they wanted to discuss my dad I quit. Finally I had run out of counselors in the town and had to go back to the first one I had seen years before and he said “I was wondering how long it would take for you to come back.” We then started working on my dad issues and I did a lot of good work on myself. Took relating effectively courses, communication courses etc. This was all after my first marriage failed and I knew i had issues. I had real problems with anger with my first husband, just not expressing myself, holding things in and then blowing up. My emotions were all over the place. and I didnt want to repeat history so worked on myself. After that I cut my dad out of my life and life got a lot better. I learned that anger rarely is just being angry. Anger is usually based in some other emotion like jealousy, hurt, embarrassment etc So I rarely get angry without identifying what I am feeling and then I approach it from that angle.
          I much prefer to know what I am feeling and be able to explain myself than just fly into a rage and say things I don’t mean or regret later. That is the way I always approached problems with my ex also and at first he appreciated how calmly I discussed things but as you know they love conflict and once we were together a while he woulld twist my words and we would end up fighting whether I liked it or not.
          He would remind me of my dad and I know it did it on purpose but I rarely lost control and that was his main goal,
          What i feel for him is not anger, horror, disgust, disbelief, resentment maybe, anger just doesn’t seem to cover it adequately. so when i say I don’t feel anger, it is just that I disect the anger.

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  2. I like reading your post, but don’t get me wrong the only I don’t agree is the words that coming from your mouth against your ex. You claim that you are a Christian and talking about Jesus. If you truly forgives him you wouldn’t say those words. Yes, I know your pain, & hurts because I’ve been there. I always remember those who hurts us are also the children’s of God, whom God loves them so much. I guess one thing I have learned in order for us to change peoples lives is we need to change first before we change them, then we can change the world. Have a blessed day!

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    1. Dahlia, yes I believe there is a God, a higher power, but I have never said I forgive my ex. I doubt I will ever forgive my ex. If God wants to forgive him that is totally up to God and if God wants to punish me for not forgiving then so be it. I would find it very unjust if my ex got into heaven and I didn’t just because I chose to not forgive the man who tried on more than one occasion to kill me and has done everything within his power to destroy any chance I have of any security in the future. if it were up to my ex he would see me homeless and starving on the street. My ex wants nothing but hardship and heart ache for me. IF he ever gave me a genuine apology and admitted what he did and showed he had changed I have no doubt I would forgive him, even though many would not.
      The narcissists of the world count on the rest of the world forgiving and forgetting and that is why they get away with leaving a trail of destruction behind them.
      Sorry, the most I can come up with is meh! I think I have done extremely well in the fact that I have not gone on a vigilante to exact revenge. If I was a vindictive person I would be disappointed in myself.
      If you can forgive these soul suckers good for you, but I think it is ridiculous to ever expect someone to forgive a narcissist. It isn’t like they made a mistake, or it was an accident, a little “slip up” , they set out to destroy someone for no reason, NONE, just picked a person and set about destroying their life. With not one ounce of remorse. I forgave and forgot for 10 years. He got all the forgiveness I have to give.
      I think I could even forgive a drunk driver, as hard as that is to believe, but at least they had a problem, a reason, they were drunk. A narcissist is fully aware of the hurt he causes and he does it anyway. he is not impaired in any way and he does it of his own free will and enjoys it.

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      1. I respect your feelings, your hurts, and your pains.. But just look at the cross.. He died for all our sins and forgave us so that we will have life. If you cannot forgive him, then God cannot forgive your sins also. Paul was a terrorist before he became an apostle of Jesus? Jesus forgave him. Surrender all your hurts and pain to Jesus and you will unchain the bondage of sin. Christ knows all of your pains and hurts. He is the judge. I will pray for you! God Bless!

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        1. Dahlia, I am confused, if Jesus died for my sins then and not forgiving is a sin, am I not already forgiven for not forgiving my ex? Yes Jesus forgave, he was one special guy, he was God’s son, the bible even says that we aren’t going to make it through this life without sin, I have done very few sinful things and I will count this as one of them. I needed to forgive myself for a lot of stuff and maybe some day I will forgive my ex totally. In my mind I harbor no ill will towards my ex, as in I don’t try to purposely make his life difficult. I have never gone to his family and bad mouthed him, nor phoned his employers to get him fired. I have not and I don’t pray for bad things to happen to him so I guess I have forgiven him because I don’t expect him to pay for his sins and leave that up to God. What does forgiveness look like. What would signify to you that i have forgiven him? To never talk badly about him? Then there would be no point in this blog would there? I share my experiences in an effort to save others from the same fate I suffered, how shall I do that without sounding like I don’t forgive him? Just wondering.
          And I forgave him many times, when I forgave I made a vow to him and to myself that I would not bring it up again. In my mind that is what forgiveness is, it is putting it behind you and not mentioning it again. That is the type of forgiveness my ex expects and as long as I am talking about my experiences he will continue to exact his revenge and the thought of that has made me contemplate shutting down the blog. But then I thought wait a minute! He was trying to destroy me long before I started the blog, I had done nothing to him and he was trying to destroy me so whether I have the blog or not, the only thing that will make him happy is my death or total breakdown. So then I ask how do I forgive someone for what they have done to me when they don’t stop doing it? When you have forgiven someone probably 100 times but they continue to spread lies and try to destroy any hope I have of a secure future. How can I forgive something that hasn’t ended?
          Does the bible cover that?
          It is not like we split and that was it, he went on with his life and left me alone.
          I am not angry, I am genuinely interested in how you feel a person, I, should handle it.

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  3. I think you’ve been punished enough by the Wospos Carrie. Maybe someday you can forgive, but you will NEVER forget. I’m sure there’s a place in hell for him … he’s a dark creature.

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  4. Reading Carrie’s posts and everyone’s responses is what has given me strength & helped me get clear on the evil of what Ns do and how truly deranged they are. I fully believe they know what they do to us, and that they enjoy doing it, so in my mind Doing wrong + knowing it’s wrong + enjoying it = evil.

    Yesterday I brought up the idea of forgiving the N with my counselor. She asked what was the worst I’d forgiven in my past. I told her I couldn’t forgive the drunk driver who hit me in my last semester of college, ruining not only 5 years of college work but also permanently damaging my body and costing me thousands in medical treatments over the years since then. I told her I couldn’t forgive my exH for cheating on me and destroying our marriage. She again asked what/who was the worst I was able to forgive… thinking back through a few decades, I told her I was able to forgive the children who bullied & picked on me in grade school & junior high. She asked why was I able to forgive them. I replied, “Because they were children and didn’t know any better.” These other meanies were adults; drinking & driving and adultery were their choices. They knew better, yet they chose to act against me in their perverted selfishness. I don’t think I will ever, EVER, forgive the waste of space piece of shit N who took took took all I could give and DELIBERATELY took advantage of me for being the generous, compassionate, response-able person that I am. He damaged my head, my heart, my home, my finances and my life. No, I feel no need to forgive his evil ways. The only person I feel needs and deserves my forgiveness is me.

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    1. O. I agree. I think it is a personal thing and I think there are certain things that are so evil and so damaging that forgiveness just isn’t possible nor should it be expected.
      For example my first husband screwed around on me, I forgave him long ago, I can remember many good memories of times with him. He has quit drinking, he has apologized to me and he was never once abusive to me mentally or physically, he never made me feel that I was lacking in some way and that is why he screwed around. Never once in our marriage or since has he tried to make me feel I was to blame or that I was deserving of it. He has always owned what he did, and he was honest when I asked him if he could be faithful if I took him back and he said no. He gave me the respect of giving me a choice. My ex didn’t ever give me a choice because he was never honest, not ever.
      I hadn’t talked to my dad in almost 20 years but when he died I wrote a loving obit and I will be going this weekend to his celebration of life. I forgave him years ago and wrote him telling him I had many good memories from my childhood and thanked him for them. I did not have any desire to reestablish a relationship with him because it was unhealthy for me.
      When I was 16 a much older man, a family “friend” got me pregnant. I never want to see him again but i suppose I forgive him, I am not sure what forgiveness looks like when you just don’t give a shit about someone. I don’t think about him he never paid for what he did but that doesn’t bother me. He was a narcissist, I know that now, I didn’t then, and I was left to take the blame and I went through hell for most of my life because of him because back then being pregnant at 16 without any sign of a boy in my life was cause for much gossip and ridicule. My mother was mortified and wanted to send me away but my dad insisted I stay home and he was with me in the hospital when I gave birth and he was the one that insisted they let me hold my baby. Back then they just took the baby as soon as it was born. So there were things my dad did that I really appreciate.
      My ex was a lie from the word Go. He never had my best interests at heart and doesn’t to this day.

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      1. You wonder why they have to lie. Why can’t they just be honest and upfront instead of triangulating and playing games. They trample through life with heavy boots crushing everything in their path. I’m sorry that older man took advantage of you … no excuse for that. I have to believe in karma, otherwise nothing makes sense.

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        1. Lisa51, they lie because if they were honest they wouldn’t get then things they are after. No one would hand over money if the N was honest and said, ” I hate you, I have no feelings for you whatsoever I just want you to give me all your money and pretend you love me and admire me and give me credibility but I will never love you or do anything for you in return. He wouldn’t get very far would he?
          If they were up front and honest they wouldn’t be narcissists.
          The thing with psychopaths is they don’t feel like regular people so they probably don’t even know they are getting bad karma for their deeds. I know WOSPOS always ended up coming out smelling like a rose whenever anything went bad for him. They just deny, blame, lie and weasel their way out of situations. If the lose everything they just find another victim and use them to regain whatever they lost. My ex was never very concerned about losing anything, he always found a way to replace it.
          thats another reason people don’t believe the victim. Like in my case with my work truck. People would say, “Why would he sabotage your work truck, you were a couple, it was to his advantage for you to work.” I know that is what I thought too.
          He would sabotage it and then have to put money into it to fix it, but it made him look like the sweet loving husband who was always fixing his wife’s truck. It makes no sense to sabotage a truck you are going to have to fix. he traded his 1970 Impala for a transmission for my truck, I was so grateful, even though he was the one to burn out the transmission on my truck i still thought he must really care for me to get rid of his Impala. Well in actual fact he had given me the Impala, it was in my name. He made a big deal about giving it to me but I always figured he would take it back the minute I pissed him off and I was fine with that. We were together, who cares who’s name it is in. But he insisted we use it to get a tranny. then he cried the blues to everyone about how he had to give up his Impala. His sister was so mad at me for making him sell it. I told her I argued with him to keep it, I didn’t want him to get rid of it.

          When he worked on my truck after we split and it broke down on my way home and got towed. I couldn’t afford the towing and it got impounded and he said he would pay to get it out. They sell them after 30 days and it was day 29 and he still hadn’t paid to get it out. He denied ever saying he would and the cost had quadrupled. I was going to lose my truck and I owed his step dad $3000 for repairs on it so I called his step dad and told him I was going to lose the truck and then i could never pay him back. He said that wospos said he would get it out. I told him he wasn’t. He said, “Of course he will, he’s got so much invested in it, he isn’t going to throw all that away.” I said, “Think what you want but the truck is gone tomorrow.” He went to my ex’s work the next day and picked him up and brought him to get my truck. Of course with his step dad there my ex was Mr helpful.
          My ex hated that truck, it represented my freedom, my independence and it gave me confidence and got me a lot of attention. it wasn’t too bad when we were together but there is no way he was going to leave me and let me keep that truck (even though I bought it while we were split and it was not bought with joint funds) If he wanted to destroy me he had to destroy my truck and he was willing to give up whatever was necessary to accomplish his goal. He hated that I succeeded at haul scrap and had a flawless reputation in the industry and was well respected by fellow scrap haulers and the scrap yards. I was well known and he hated that. he had a bad reputation in the industry and never did well at it. He always “worked” at night and I worked during the day, handed out business cards and was up front and honest. it pissed him off yet he liked the attention it got him. It was quite a turmoil for him. But once he had decided he was leaving me then he HAD to destroy it.
          As soon as he moved in with his new woman, even though he didn’t have a job he managed to get a F450 I had an F550, he had my winch on his truck and then he bought a 1962 Chev pickup. Within a year he had recouped everything he had lost and his g/f was $20,000 poorer. I don’t know if he ever paid his step dad back but he owed him $20,000 from a couple of years prior. I owed $4000 by the time he got my truck out at the tow company and I paid almost all of it back while I lived without running water or heat. AND I didn’t have my big truck because it never ran right again.
          They don’t notice karma. And he tells everyone he put $10,000 into my truck. I paid $15,900 for it and put $7000 into it and have the receipts to prove it. That would mean we put $16,000 into a truck that was only worth $15,000. That should have been a show truck with that kind of money. the only money he put into that truck was the transmission he melted by over working the truck, I paid for every part that went into that truck and most of the labour. He was so good at making me feel guilty I believed he had put a bunch of money into the truck until after I left and then I was going through receipt and thought, “wait a minute! he didn’t put any money in to it.”

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      2. Carrie, your strength, hopefulness & perseverance in light of all you’ve endured is absolutely astonishing. Every truth you share rings thru me and helps to de-crystalize the blockages in my psyche. Thank you for this blog, thank you for your honesty. You are a Wonder Woman type of heroine to me as I work to navigate my own healing path. (((BIG hugs)))

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