Punch drunk that’s the way I felt when I finally left the WOSPOS. Not that he beat me every day, (like he said, it’s not an abusive relationship, I don’t come home and beat you every day) not physically anyway, figuratively. He was on a mission to destroy me and he dedicated years to his goal.
I literally felt like a boxer in the ring, one who is getting the snot beat out of him but he is just too stubborn to stay down. Even when the crowd is yelling for him to stay down he grabs the ropes and pulls himself up again.
Swaying, shaking his head trying to focus, blinded by the sweat and blood in his eyes he swings wildly in the direction of his opponent and misses.
He gets knocked down again and struggles to get up, even his opponent is saying to him, “Just stay down.” but he gets up again, too punch drunk to give up.
In a boxing match they make the fighters stop but there was no one there to stop me, and I kept getting back up until I could no longer make my legs work and just didn’t have the strength to fight any more.
That was when his sister was the coach in the corner saying, “Don’t go back, walk away, he’s going to kill you, give it up now.”
When you leave a relationship after the battle of your life and the person still will not let you get strength back, when he is still telling you to stay down, you’re a loser, you will never win, you are garbage and I am disgusted by you, it is very hard to think positively; yet it is so very important to get out of the cycle of negativity. Day after day, week after week, year after long year you were faced with negativity, his infidelity, his lies, stealing, lost jobs, denial, gas lighting, character assassination, slander, blaming. Negative Negative Negative. You have been stripped of all your hope and optimism.
I remember sitting there and realizing what I was missing the most was hope. I had none, NONE! it was amazing to me and really scarey because I had always had hope, I always looked forward to the future, and was curious about what was around the next corner of my life’s journey. But I sat there and could not see one positive thing, not one way to make my life better and it just kept getting worse, my heart attacks, no place to live, the WOSPOS messing with my head because of course I was still in contact because he had taken all my hope. I had never in my life handed over my hope to someone, and I didn’t do it willingly this time either; he stole it and I wanted it back.
Whenever I had left in the past I had no problem getting back on my feet, I had started over so many times I just knew i would do it again, but this time it didn’t happen and I was shocked. I had always been able to think, “I need a new sofa” and one would appear. I would pray to make $300 that day and without fail by the end of the day I would have made exactly $300.” But this time nothing was coming together and it pulled me deeper and deeper into despair and hopelessness.
i think back now and realize how close I came to sinking into a dark abyss and never climbing out of it.
I am sure there are people who wonder why I can’t “just move on” but they have never been on the edge of that abyss, they have never felt the pull of depression drawing them into a dark and scary place where they know they will never find their way out. They have never clung to the edge of the cliff and had someone step on their fingers and laugh.
The first step to pulling yourself out of it is to get rid of the one who is stepping on your fingers. The thing with N’s is they are so full of dark negativity that even once you removed them their darkness lingers, cloaking everything in evil. It seems too powerful to fight alone, it’s scary, you don’t want to fight it, you want to give up because it is a formidable opponent, its what night mares are made of.
The hell holes I lived in didn’t help build my optimism and I found that getting the job at Ccon and then subsequently buying the cabin at the lake were HUGE steps towards building my hope back up.
I am full of hope and optimism now, I believe good things will happen to me, I don;t wait for the other shoe to drop any more. I don’t worry that my vehicle is going to break down, I know I will find a way to buy food, I haven’t known how I was going to pay my rent all year, every month I have made it through. Some good soul donates $20, $30, sometimes hundreds of dollars and I get caught up with my bills, then I get behind again but I get by.
I have stopped living in fear, I stopped expecting the worst and starting knowing I deserved the best and would get exactly what I need.
When you step back and look at where I was 4 years ago and where I am now; I am actually in a worse situation now. I don’t have a job, I have had 2 heart attacks, I had to put my two dogs down, I never know how I am going to make it month to month, I got rear ended last week and got whip lash, damaging my already damaged neck, I have so many bills I don’t have a clue how I will ever pay them, I could have to move if the cabin sells. Depending how you look at it, my life seems pretty dismal. i was in way better shape in 2011 and so severely depressed I could barely get off the couch. So why am I so optimistic?
I changed my way of viewing things. Instead of viewing it from a place of “lack” I view it from a place of abundance. Here is a Christy Whitman video that will probably explain it better than I can. Christy Whitman.
Believe me it works but it does take work, it is hard to change those voices in your head, especially when someone pounded them in there day after day after day. But we all have the power to change. Something the N does not have the power to do. He is doomed to a life of negativity and everyone who crosses his path is doomed to the same. Rise above.