Punch Drunk

boxing ring of life

Punch drunk that’s the way I felt when I finally left the WOSPOS. Not that he beat me every day, (like he said, it’s not an abusive relationship, I don’t come home and beat you every day) not physically anyway, figuratively. He was on a mission to destroy me and he dedicated years to his goal.

I literally felt like a boxer in the ring, one who is getting the snot beat out of him but he is just too stubborn to stay down. Even when the crowd is yelling for him to stay down he grabs the ropes and pulls himself up again.

ropes

Swaying, shaking his head trying to focus, blinded by the sweat and blood in his eyes he swings wildly in the direction of his opponent and misses.

down box

He gets knocked down again and struggles to get up, even his opponent is saying to him, “Just stay down.” but he gets up again, too punch drunk to give up.

rockyIn a boxing match they make the fighters stop but there was no one there to stop me,  and I kept getting back up until I could no longer make my legs work and just didn’t have the strength to fight any more.

That was when his sister was the coach in the corner saying, “Don’t go back, walk away, he’s going to kill you, give it up now.”

When you leave a relationship after the battle of your life and the person still will not let you get strength back, when he is still telling you to stay down, you’re a loser, you will never win, you are garbage and I am disgusted by you, it is very hard to think positively; yet it is so very important to get out of the cycle of negativity. Day after day, week after week, year after long year you were faced with negativity, his infidelity, his lies, stealing, lost jobs, denial, gas lighting, character assassination, slander, blaming. Negative Negative Negative. You have been stripped of all your hope and optimism.

I remember sitting there and realizing what I was missing the most was hope. I had none, NONE! it was amazing to me and really scarey because I had always had hope, I always looked forward to the future, and was curious about what was around the next corner of my life’s journey. But I sat there and could not see one positive thing, not one way to make my life better and it just kept getting worse, my heart attacks, no place to live, the WOSPOS messing with my head because of course I was still in contact because he had taken all my hope. I had never in my life handed over my hope to someone, and I didn’t do it willingly this time either; he stole it and I wanted it back.

Whenever I had left in the past I had no problem getting back on my feet, I had started over so many times I just knew i would do it again, but this time it didn’t happen and I was shocked. I had always been able to think, “I need a new sofa” and one would appear. I would pray to make $300 that day and without fail by the end of the day I would have made exactly $300.” But this time nothing was coming together and it pulled me deeper and deeper into despair and hopelessness.

i think back now and realize how close I came to sinking into a dark abyss and never climbing out of it.

I am sure there are people who wonder why I can’t “just move on” but they have never been on the edge of that abyss, they have never felt the pull of depression drawing them into a dark and scary place where they know they will never find their way out. They have never clung to the edge of the cliff and had someone step on their fingers and laugh.

The first step to pulling yourself out of it is to get rid of the one who is stepping on your fingers. The thing with N’s is they are so full of dark negativity that even once you removed them their darkness lingers, cloaking everything in evil. It seems too powerful to fight alone, it’s scary, you don’t want to fight it, you want to give up because it is a formidable opponent, its what night mares are made of.

The hell holes I lived in didn’t help build my optimism and I found that getting the job at Ccon and then subsequently buying the cabin at the lake were HUGE steps towards building my hope back up.

I am full of hope and optimism now, I believe good things will happen to me, I don;t wait for the other shoe to drop any more. I don’t worry that my vehicle is going to break down, I know I will find a way to buy food, I haven’t known how I was going to pay my rent all year, every month I have made it through. Some good soul donates $20, $30, sometimes hundreds of dollars and I get caught up with my bills, then I get behind again but I get by.

I have stopped living in fear, I stopped expecting the worst and starting knowing I deserved the best and would get exactly what I need.

When you step back and look at where I was 4 years ago and where I am now; I am actually in a worse situation now. I don’t have a job, I have had 2 heart attacks, I had to put my two dogs down, I never know how I am going to make it month to month, I got rear ended last week and got whip lash, damaging my already damaged neck, I have so many bills I don’t have a clue how I will ever pay them, I could have to move if the cabin sells. Depending how you look at it, my life seems pretty dismal. i was in way better shape in 2011 and so severely depressed I could barely get off the couch. So why am I so optimistic?

I changed my way of viewing things. Instead of viewing it from a place of “lack” I view it from a place of abundance. Here is a Christy Whitman video that will probably explain it better than I can. Christy Whitman.

Believe me it works but it does take work, it is hard to change those voices in your head, especially when someone pounded them in there day after day after day. But we all have the power to change. Something the N does not have the power to do. He is doomed to a life of negativity and everyone who crosses his path is doomed to the same. Rise above.

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19 thoughts on “Punch Drunk

  1. Carrie… I know I have said this in some form or another many times, and I know you don’t write this blog to receive any accolade from others, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for having such strength and courage to continuously share your experiencing with us all.. And certainly to others who come here to share also.
    I was fortunate to leave my situation with little physical violence executed against me, but the wounds do show from the way in which his words and behaviour cut through me.
    Yes there was a period of time while with him when I felt that hopelessness, and still days now when I feel that. Thankfully I haven’t heard from him for I guess for nearly two months now. But am still left with the scars and some fear that he may attempt to enter my life again. I am doubtful of the latter though. But such is the way they make you feel that I know for some time more it will take some effort to fully erase thoughts of that still being liable. When I read stories of N’s coming back after months.. Years.. I can’t help but still feel a level of trepidation..
    .. However the more I focus less on him (of which genuinely is much the case now) and more on myself, I feel stronger for it. And the focus on him is not one of loss regarding the relationship.. But loss of me… Who am I now?
    I certainly used to pick myself up better in the past. I wonder now how I was able to overcome the breakdown from a much longer relationship. But I think, in situations with N’s such is their horrific way of being, that maybe even months with such people could equate to more damage than time spent with someone else for a longer period of time. Much of it I feel is closure also. When my partner of 12 years and I broke up, it was sort of amicable despite him cheating on me. But with N’s they don’t just pick at the meat off of your bones, they leave nothing but dust. And even then they are still scavenging for more. They don’t wish to give us anything and closure being just that..
    ..that is why I build my own closure.. Realising that I am much more than dust.. Maybe a strange metaphor but dust blows away in the wind on to pastures new.. And that is exactly where I am.. I can drift off to many new places away from him… Away from the hurt and pain he caused.. And settle into so many new and more hopeful places. 🙂
    Love and hugs as always from across the puddle. Tifa. X x x x

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      1. Carrie..I completely agree. While I have my issues on some level regarding how social media seems to dictate much of life nowadays, I am beyond thankful that I came across your blog and yourself more importantly.
        I truly hope you are doing the best that you can be right now. I read that you’d had your two dogs put down, and whether recent or past I share your pain with that. While I have no dog of my own, my mum’s dogs bring me so much joy and happiness. I actually think if I were to ask for anything in life it would be to be to have a furry companion by my side. They love so unconditionally to the point whereby it amazes me. My mum has a dog called Lizzy B.. A.k.a. “Worm” haha! And she is right by my side whenever I am there. When I stayed at my mum’s during times of woe when with my N, this particular dog was always by my side.. I cried and cried as I was battling issues with my N while trying to deal with what my mum was going through with anxiety and depression, and the little dog would just smother my face with kisses whenever I cried. Her little boy Darcy is much the same but prefers men hahaha! Anyway… I hope with all my heart you are keeping well Carrie despite circumstances. I wish I had a pot of gold to help you with your concerns I truly do. Love and hugs from across the puddle, and thank you once again for taking your time and courage to share. Love and hugs from across the puddle. 🙂 x x x x x x

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  2. Oh my gosh, Carrie, I hope your neck is OK and you recover from that car wreck. I know what that is like all too well. I’ve had neck issues ever since I hit a windshield in a really nasty wreck myself. I was 17. It was horrific.

    And I’m sorry you went through all that horrible pain too afterward. Punch drunk and the way you describe is a perfect way to put it.

    I noticed you had mentioned Christy Whitman before and thought, “Hm, how weird. I know that name.”

    Well, another woman, with the same name except she spells it with an ‘ie’, is a politician here in the states and was the governor of New Jersey at one point.

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    1. Safire, my neck is really stiff and getting worse. it felt ok at the time of the accident but it’s a week today and very sore but I have an appointment with my miracle worker tomorrow. This guy is great and always fixes me up. He has taken xrays before so will be able to take more and see if there is more damage. The young guy who ran into me was such a sweet young guy I hated to report the accident but I can’t chance my neck being more damaged and i can’t afford the medical care if I don’t report it.
      I really like Christie, I wish I could take her course but of course the government would never go for it.
      Thanks Safire! hugs

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  3. I am sorry for your current troubles, but happy you are not letting them boss you around. Being bigger than your life’s challenges is an awesome thing.
    It was interesting to read about your lack of hope. I saw it from the opposite end, I felt all I had was hope, and that the hope was morphing into a wishful thinking, a fantasy. I would find myself day dreaming that he would have a head injury that altered his personality for the better. That he would take a contracting job, far away. That he wouldn’t come home. That moving to another state free of his addictions would ¨cure¨ him. Catching myself living on such wishes shocked me into the realization that my life was hellish. The more daydreams I had, the more I saw that they were wishes and had no basis in the reality I was living. I was trying to escape through fantasy.

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    1. thekidsandi, I lived on hope for years also, it was after I left that I lost hope, actually after he had gotten engaged to the ow is when I totally lost all hope. Up until then I had hope, false hope but hope none the less. I knew things wouldn’t be any better for the new woman over time but I resented that now she was the one with hope and I had none. I had known for a long time that I was living on false hope but it was just hard to face the truth when it was staring me in the face telling me he was in love with someone else and hated me.,
      I have tons of hope now. that is in the past. thank God.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I want to thank you Carrie, and everyone here for continuing to shine a light on this wospos darkness. I’ve had my light go out a couple of times, but I guess it wasn’t so completely out that there wasn’t a little spark to get it going again somehow by the Grace of God. You all are that spark.

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  4. It took a lot of strength to do what you did and I am sure that many women who are still in their horrific situations will read your blog and tell themselves that “Carrie did it. I can do it too!”

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