My Story In The Canadian Centre For Victims of Violence – Victims Matter

Well, it has been published, or part one has been. They broke it up into two parts and as usual I feel I could have done better.

How on earth do you condense 10 years into 2000 words or less? An isolated incident maybe. How do you break through the preconceived beliefs of society to show that women or men who suffer domestic abuse are not weak, flawed people who secretly enjoy the abuse? You can’t just speak of the abuse without explaining why you were there to begin with, because the abuse starts long before it is evident. Each episode of abuse has a build up to it and then the aftermath. You can’t look at the punch to the head without talking about why you stayed. And how do you explain that in most cases you had no idea the abuser was plotting and planning his every move like a professional chess player plays his men. How he anticipates the victim’s reactions and what their next move will be and what move he will make in response to that. How do you explain how he uses your emotions against you and how your mind refuses to accept what just happened, how you WANT to be crazy. It is so much easier to accept that it was some horrible mistake or that somehow you could have prevented it than to accept someone you love with all your heart, and planned to spend the rest of your life with, could want to harm you.

And how at the time you don’t see the sequence of events because you weren’t expecting it and could never think like the abuser thinks, you can’t predict something your mind won’t even let you acknowledge. It took years for all the pieces to fall into place over the one incident when WOSPOS ambushed my son and I, and 4 years of no contact for it to actually sink in in its entirety and then the magnitude of what transpired grips your gut.

If it was a movie I am sure the audience would be screaming, “Don’t go in there.” because they would be privy to the behind the scenes planning of the abuser. But the victim never gets that advantage. I can see it all so clearly now. The WOSPOS worked for a solid week putting expensive spot lights all over his truck. It annoyed me because I thought he was stalling for time because he had been told to get out.

The night of the attack when my son and I pulled up and I saw wospos’s truck parked with all the spotlights on and pointed out away from the truck my first thought was how inconsiderate he was, he was always pissing off the neighbors by making noise in the middle of the night or having bright work lights on keeping people awake because they were shining in their bedroom windows. I thought to myself, “Great, all the neighbors are going to be complaining tomorrow, why does he have to be so dang inconsiderate all the time?” It didn’t even hit me when I squeezed between the truck and the lattice work, all I thought was, “Typical, he is so inconsiderate, not leaving room for me to get in the trailer.”

I still had a feeling something was not right, something else was out of the ordinary. It was not until I got inside the patio area that I realized, the mini white lights I ALWAYS left on, weren’t on. Again I thought it was him just being difficult. He was striding across the patio to his truck and I thought it was strange he had his cowboy boots on, he always wore runners, his cowboy boots weren’t that comfortable. I noticed because they were loud on the concrete. It wasn’t until the next day when the neighbors all huddled in the street talking that someone mentioned that they had looked out about midnight and thought it was strange my white lights weren’t on. He must have turned on his spot lights after I called to say I was almost home because no one remembered them being on earlier. The reason it took so long for anyone to come was when they looked out to see what all the racket was about they couldn’t see anything because the spot lights blinded them and the wospos had started his truck and it was loud. With the truck running and parked so close to the patio entrance the sound didn’t travel like it would have normally.

I told the cops but they never even went and talked to the neighbors. I thought it was just a coincidence, could he have planned to blind people with his spot lights? a week and half in advance of an unexpected fight?

When he came home with contact lens and made a big deal about trying to get me to put them in his eyes for him because he couldn’t do it himself. I didn’t like him without his glasses on anyway and I sure didn’t want to be putting my fingers in his eyes. I thought why bother if it is such a big problem for him, I had told him I liked him better with glasses and he was the last person who should have contacts. He was a mechanic who always had dirty hands, working in dust is the worst thing for contact wearers. He was not careful with his stuff and contacts have to be kept sterile. It made no sense to me at all.

But after the fight when my son and I were locked in the trailer I heard wospos out on the patio talking to himself. I looked out and he was crawling around on his hands and knees mumbling, “My glasses, I can’t find my glasses.” and feeling the patio with his hands like a blind man. My gut instinct was that it was an act. It wasn’t until over a year later that I found what I thought were his glasses on the fridge. The contacts were long gone, he had never asked me to put them in again, so how did he manage to leave the house without his glasses? he was blind without them. I took them down and realized there was plain glass and not prescription lens in them and my mind flashed back to the picture of him crawling around on the patio. Could he have been that evil to plan it in such detail that he would anticipate losing his glasses in the fight so he wore contacts and phony glasses so he would have the advantage?

It was 9 years later when his son was living with us that he came out of the bedroom angry with his son wearing his cowboy boots and kicked the kid right in the ass with the toe of his boot. He even remarked to me that the kid must be pretty tough because he didn’t say a word and didn’t stop walking. I thought maybe he didn’t kick him that hard but I flashed back to the night years prior and wondered if those were his fighting boots.

And later when he cried and begged me back, admitted fault and pleaded for one last 2nd chance I didn’t think it was because he was planning on altering my statement to crown counsel about the attack. He moved in with me and everything seemed great and then one day I came home from school and he had packed up everything he owned and some of my stuff and was ready to pull away when I got home from school early. I would have walked in and discovered he was gone. It wasn’t until years later that I was looking for some paper to write on and found old papers that had photo copies on them and discovered he had changed my statement and photocopied my signature on the bottom. then it made sense why he left so quickly. He had accomplished what he set out to do. No……… could someone actually plan that, cry real tears, admit fault and not mean a word of it? I had never heard of a narcissist and psychopaths were in the movies, not in my bed.

And each and every episode of our relationship was like that, always behind the scenes subplots going on, smoke screens, slight of hand, gas lighting. There is no way you can write about it in 2000 words. My God there aren’t the words to describe the horror you feel when you realize the truth. My mind still battles it.

Someone commented about forgiveness today and said that I needed to forgive my ex and I argue that I don’t know how you forgive someone for bringing that kind of terror into your life and then not letting you get on with your life. I forgave many times and I kept my promise to forgive and never bring it up again. But when it is plot after plot, lie after lie, I asked the commenter how many times does a person forgive? and when the abuser keeps trying to ruin your life even after years of no contact how many times do you forgive?

Forgiveness is for when someone accidentally hurts you. I have fallen out of love with men and I was really sorry I hurt them and I hope they forgave me because I certainly did not plan on hurting them. I have had friends share a secret I asked them not to and they felt really bad and I forgave them. I am a forgiving person, in fact I have had some pretty shitty things done to me in my life and I have not held a grudge against anyone. I have forgiven the unforgivable because I know I am not perfect and have needed a person’s forgiveness many times. Like my son forgives me for being with wospos, and I am so thankful for that forgiveness and when I say I am sorry I mean it with every fibre of my being but he didn’t have to forgive me. But I certainly never intended to hurt my son.

Anyway you will find part 1 of my article for Canadian Centre for Victim’s of Violence ….. here.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “My Story In The Canadian Centre For Victims of Violence – Victims Matter

  1. No, you are wrong there, Carrie. Sure, we forgive those who accidentally wrong us. Of course.

    But we ALSO forgive the evil; the malicious who do intend us harm. We must.

    Why?

    We forgive because if we don’t, their evil lives on inside of us.

    We forgive because if we don’t- THEY/HE wins.

    We forgive to release OUR pain; not to forget.

    We forgive because with that release, we can finally, TRULY begin to heal. When we hang on to the pain, it festers; itbrots. It keeps us RIGHT where they /he wants us to ve.

    We forgive because it makes us better than them/him; better; stronger. It snaps the chains that bind us to him; to where he would have us. It removes him from ANY kind of position of power, and puts us in the driver’s seat.

    We forgive so WE can find the peace he’s so long deprived us of.

    We forgive because we love ourselves, in spite of him.

    So long as we do NOT forgive, they are taking up residence in US; leaving us unable to purge the festering rot.

    No, we don’t forgive for him. We forgive for US. We can’t move on and really heal until we do.

    Don’t let him steal that part of your soul, hon. You deserve more. You deserve better.

    You’re doing a fantastic thing; supporting others, educating the general public; sharing your story. Forgiving doesn’t mean you don’t think punishment isn’t justified. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget or excuse.

    No, we forgive to truly free ourselves. We forgive so that our thoughts, our actions, our every waking moment isn’t consumed with him.

    Don’t let him win. Forgive.

    Like

    1. You see Tik I am confused. I am at peace, I have never been more at peace with life. I love my life, even though things are tough right now i have faith that things will work out somehow and I had lost all faith or hope in ever having a future worth living. I don’t care what he is doing, I don’t seek revenge, I really don’t think about him in the present tense. He can tell people what ever he wants and screw over as many people as he wants I don’t care. He did have an ex who spent the rest of her days finding out what he was doing so she could call his employer and get him fired and call his new g/f’s and try to get them to dump him and they kept in contact and he played her for 15 years. He used her to create upset with his new woman, he rubbed me in her face and was so proud that it hate her up that we lasted as long as we did. It was a shame because she died a bitter drunk who never had a life after him and she was independently wealthy so had no money problems.
      He would have loved if I would have killed myself, or if I was calling his new g/f or his bosses but I have no desire to have him in my life and to go and try to make his life hell would keep him in my life.
      He does not have any part of my soul.
      I am not sure what everyone wants me to do. What does forgiveness look like. Is it just because I don’t say it, I forgive wospos? I think my actions speak that he does not take up residence in my soul. My soul is my own, he tried to take it and when he couldn’t he tried to destroy it but he didn’t succeed at that either.
      So what do I do differently than what I am already doing?
      The only thing I could do is shut the blog down and then he would have won. He was so used to me rolling over and forgiving because I could not handle the weight of his evil in my life so I forgave him. I don’t sit thinking of ways I can exact revenge, I don’t think about him much at all really.
      I swore that if I survived him I would spend the rest of my days helping other victims and I intent to keep that promise to myself. In my mind if I was to truly forgive I would shut the blog down so there would be no chance of his reputation being tarnished by me talking about my experiences. I hope that one day his new woman finds me, not for any other reason but so I can reassure her that it is not her fault and to straighten out some of the lies he undoubtedly told her about me. But if they are together until the day I die I can die at peace because I know the truth and I am fine with it. If I have a bad day it is because of my financial situation but for the most part I am very happy in a spiritual way, I am in tune with body, my gut and my soul and the world around me. I don’t know, I think I am doing just fine.
      HE on the other hand seems intent on ruining my life, at which point do I forgive when he keeps doing things trying to destroy me, I would have to be on permanent forgiveness. I would not be the least bit surprised if he put a contract out on me, not in the least. but I don’t stop living my life. Should I forgive him before he does it? Does forgiveness encompass past present and future abuse by him? Just wondering.

      Like

      1. Found this on the internet:

        Why You Don’t Always Have to Forgive
        Self healing must always come first
        Published on August 21, 2012 by
        Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, Ph.D. in Disturbed

        You’ve been hurt. No, you’ve really been hurt badly. Now you are left in tatters, at your lowest point in life. You look around in disbelief, wondering what happened. At first you may have a hard time believing that such a horrible event could have taken place. It is as if you are living in a bizarre dream state where nothing makes sense. People are going on with their lives while you struggle to simply get out of bed and live. You feel like you are on a rollercoaster of numbness and pain. And when you get to a point where you realize that you must try to pick up the pieces, panic sets in. You ask yourself so many questions. How in the world do you start life over after you have been destroyed? Can you do it when you are damaged or disabled? What is left for you?

        You may have been the victim of child abuse or rape. The spouse you loved so much may have beaten you and made you feel insignificant. Your partner of many years could have simply just up and left, leaving you with nothing. Or worse yet, you may have lost someone most precious to murder.

        Whatever your tragedy, eventually you must go through a grieving and healing process. As hard as it was to hit bottom, you will come to find that crawling your way out of the pit is equally as hard. Some even find it more difficult than the tragedy itself. Grieving and healing is a slow, slow process that cannot be hurried or skipped. The excruciating nature of it all can make you simply want to run away and become someone new. Some people try this route, but they only put off the inevitable. You have to face your life. You can only hide for so long.

        As you find yourself going through the motions, you might conclude that you seem to be getting nowhere. No matter how hard you try, you simply cannot get past what life has thrown at you. Some days you just don’t care. Other days you try very hard, but progress is painstakingly slow. This is normal. Remember, you suffered a life altering and devastating event. You are not the same person you once were, and you cannot act the same way you once did because you are changed. Finding out your identity is part of your journey. The important thing to know is that going through this process is like pulling teeth. It seems to go on forever, but eventually you will find yourself feeling a little better, and in some ways, you can find peace.
        With time, you come to realize that you are moving forward, and it is usually at this point that someone will ask about forgiveness.

        At some point in your grieving process, someone, somewhere, will ask you if you forgive. Do you forgive your rapist? Do you forgive your father or mother? Could you forgive your spouse? Though society pressures you to forgive the person who wronged you, the truth is that forgiving may be the worst thing you can do. Many religions and therapies focus on forgiving a perpetrator so that the victim can ‘move on.’ The goal is to make sure that the victim does not become fixated on the hurt. This element is critical because if you become completely obsessed with your victimization, you will not be able to function. That is a fact. Fixating freezes you.
        However, forgiveness is not something that just happens. Some people find it helpful to release their anger while others find the idea disgusting. I have dealt with my share of parents of murdered children and victims of sex crimes. Though many find a way to move forward in life, forgiveness truly eludes them. This does not make them bad people. This just means that it is not healing for them at this time.

        It may be surprising to learn how many people will pressure survivors to forgive a perpetrator. This was an element to being a profiler that I never expected. Survivors and those left behind after a murder are preyed upon and used more often than you would think. Family members tell them that if they don’t forgive, then they are going to Hell. In some cases, I’ve seen families turn their backs on victims of sexual abuse because the victims wouldn’t go along with the program and keep their mouths shut. They are told to forgive their attackers and let it go. If they cannot do so, then they are banished from the family unit. I’ve also seen women who stand up to their abusive lovers only to be eventually cut off by their children because they won’t simply forgive and let bygones be bygones.

        So victims can lose their families, their children, and are even threatened with their souls if they can’t find a way to forgive. Under such pressure, victims will give in and comply. They say they have forgiven when in their hearts they have not. They went along with what they thought would be an easier path only to find that they had made things more stressful. With time, they see that not only haven’t they forgiven, but now, they are trapped by their words. After all, they have said they forgave and were moving on. They are accused of dredging up the past should they speak out, so back to isolation they go. In these cases, victims have told me that they felt dirty after saying something that wasn’t true in order to smooth things over. They felt that they betrayed their true emotions, and saying the words made them fall into deeper depression.

        Forgiveness comes from within. It is not something that can be forced. Either you can do it or you can’t. If you cannot, then don’t think that you are a bad person or that you failed in some way. In some cases, forgiveness is just not possible. You may learn not to despise the perpetrator, but saying you forgive can be hollow if that is not what you truly feel. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Don’t say you forgive someone when you don’t. It won’t make you feel better, and it won’t make your life easier. On the contrary, it is not about making your life easier when someone asks you to forgive. The purpose behind the question of forgiving is to make the person asking the question feel better.

        For some, they want you to forgive because it will make family functions seem normal. Others will push it on you if your trauma is interfering in their lives. If you would just forgive, then life could get back to what it once was. Then there is always the unconscious desire to be forgiven. At some point in life, everyone makes mistakes, and we all want forgiveness. If we hear someone say that he can’t forgive, does that mean that we will not be forgiven if we make a mistake?

        For some people, forgiving is a way of freeing themselves, and it acts as a catalyst for healing. They are able to honestly say and mean the words, and for them, this made their lives better. However, others can’t bring themselves to forgive as they don’t feel that it brings them any relief. Such people are being honest about their true feelings, and honesty in feeling is the best policy.

        If you find yourself in this quandary, remember that only you can make this decision. This is one area where you have control. With time you may find it in your heart to forgive, or you may not. As you work through your healing process you find the things that bring peace and light into your life. How you feel is how you feel, and no one can dictate that to you no matter how hard he or she tries. Your heart is your own. Your spirit is your own. Your growth is your own.

        And on a final note, there is a truth that can give you comfort. That truth is that the more you are active, the less time you will have to focus on negativity. You can find your way out of the tunnel if you just keep taking baby steps. And one day you may even find that not only have you found some peace, but you may have made a positive difference in the world.

        Published on August 21, 2012 by
        Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, Ph.D. in Disturbed

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry but I disagree, it is down to each person if they need to forgive or not. It is not for them or that it will eat us away so we must…..if that is what anyone believes then that is for them and there own believes, I don’t agree. I had the most horrendous thing happen to one of my children and I will NEVER forgive. It did eat me up in the beginning because I couldn’t cope with what happened. I don’t however, think about it daily, let it drown me like I did and I have dealt with it and placed it in the box and put it to the back of my mind…..and like anyone…..on rare occasions something is mentioned and it might spring back out but I deal with it again and then its done.
    I don’t think it is always the right thing to do and I usually am forgiving but certain things I will never forgive. I will not forgive dave either….I may possibly in time but who knows…..this is still raw and I did forgive my dad for his torture on us but again it depends on many things.
    If what happened is eating you away after years then yes look at different suggestions and ways…but forgiveness isn’t always a must and I will not be told I have to do anything.

    Like

  3. Yes Fee, I agree. When it is an act against your child especially, I don’t know how a person forgives that. I think purposeful acts against a person are harder to forgive let alone when it is a child. I really don’t believe that I will go to hell for not saying I forgive my ex but he will go to heaven if before he dies he says he forgives me. That a person can go their whole life leaving a trail of destruction in their wake and at the last minute ask for God’s forgiveness and get a “Do not go to Hell” card and I who has never purposely hurt a soul and always tried to do good in the world will go to hell for not forgiving my ex. If that is the case it sucks to be me but it sure doesn’t make sense to me and that is where my faith gets challenged.
    You are like me, the minute someone says to me, “you should” I get my back up and dig my heels in. Not the best trait I admit but the truth. I think it is true for many people.
    thanks for your input fee.
    Auntie Carrie

    Like

    1. Have a fantastic trip with your son carrie 🙂
      I cant get my head around most religions these days….mainly in England 3 churches have just found many pedos in them and all they say is sorry. Religion hides many bad people too (in my own opinion) and I know I wont go to hell. I believe if you do good you don’t need to go to church to be classed as now we can go to heaven. I remember an eye for an eye being mentioned….sometimes things can be taken either way. Pay it forward is the best thing going, living your life by helping others for no benefit at all. My dad was religious and I don’t buy it means anyone is good. I wouldn’t trust my children to go to church. All it seems to be on the news is beheadings and sickening wars….religion isn’t always peaceful but am sure both sides will blame the other and ‘their god will bless them and accept them’ saying that I do know many other people who are religious and wonderful kind people. But I don’t believe it is the church that makes them that way….its in each and everyone of us and we all will answer to ourselves, our families and whoever we meet on our way out….and I know for sure I wont be worried when I meet my creators and neither should (lol sorry used that word on purpose for light relief lol) you carrie x

      Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s