I am so full of love, contentment and pure unadulterated joy and gratitude I can not put it into words!
I took pics with my son’s camera and when I get them via email later I will post them so you all can see why my heart is about ready to explode. Or part of the reason my heart is about to explode.
I can not share everything that went on this weekend because I have to be respectful of other’s privacy but I must share some of it so that those of you who are feeling you will never find joy might take heart in the fact that 3 years ago I tried to kill myself and today I am so F$cking happy it didn’t work!!
I was ready to go when my son got here on Saturday morning right on time at 7:30. I knew he was stressed because he works 6 days a week 12 hours a day and he was going to be tired. He was apprehensive about bringing Stella because she is still a puppy and he wouldn’t have brought his dog because she would be too hard to keep under control with a crowd etc and he was nervous because he was getting his daughter all by himself for the first time and he wanted it to be perfect.
It was a 4 hour drive to my Dad’s house where the celebration of life was being held, I had not seen my dad or step mom in 15 years, but my step mom had called me a few days prior and invited me personally and sounded so pleased when I said I was already planning on being there, I wasn’t nervous at all. It was great to hug her and my step sisters (who I have seen throughout the years) My brother and nephew drove up in my dad’s old truck (my brother bought it off my dad just before he died). My brother and I had a falling out when I quit working for him and it has been tense between us but sitting there, having a few drinking and reminiscing we shed a few tears but mostly we laughed. At one point I looked across the lawn and there was my boy, my nephew, and my brother standing there laughing and talking and my heart filled with so much love and gratitude it started leaking out of my eyes. Where did the years go? we have all had struggles, so many, so many demons that my brother, my son and I have fought and we all came through it and we are all standing stronger for it and we love each other and that is all that counts when it all comes down to it.
Stella? she was the star of the show. such a sweet sweet puppy, gently playing with the young children and gently introducing herself to the old people using walkers and wheel chairs. Her and another big dog there met and had a little scuffle and then played all day long until they were exhausted. We stayed 3 hours longer than we had planned on but everyone was having so much fun. My brother was driving back to Vancouver and kris and I were heading to Kelowna but we followed my brother for about an hour before we had to turn off the freeway. I laughed so hard with such pure joy I felt like a teenager again. Kris would pull past my brother and then my brother pulled alongside, back and forth scaring the crap out of me because the road is windy. I was mouthing through the window “Heeeeeeelp Meeeee” and my brother and nephew were laughing. We stopped at a light and I rolled down the window and said, “I’ve got a heart condition you know!” We all laughed, I thought I might pee myself!
We had to drop off some wood at a customer’s of my brother’s (my son works for my brother) and the guy welcomed us into his home life long lost family, giving my son a huge bear hug. He didn’t know I was my son’s mother but gave me a huge hug also. He insisted we have a drink and come in, we sat with him and his family around a bon fire and had more laughed. The man is a big business man and he was telling everyone that he loves my son and my brother and he wouldn’t hire anyone but them. My heart filled with pride.
We left there and went to a friends of my son’s. Brodie has been a friend of my son’s for almost 20 years, he is a family man with 3 little ones and has done well for himself. He has a 30′ trailer that I guess is always available for my son when he is in town and it was ready for us to just crawl into bed. We all slept like logs and the next morning my son went to estimate a job and I fell back to sleep. Brodie’s wife had coffee made when I got up and Stella played with their dog and kids all day. So relaxed, such great hosts, such sweet kids.
Kris went to get Kaela by himself and she didn’t remember me and was a bit shy but she played with the other kids and then we all went for ice cream. I watched my boy with his daughter and the love between them was obvious. Then I saw her slip her arm through his and lean her head on his arm, he bent down to kiss her and she just beamed. I snapped a bunch of photos. She looks just like me at that age, and very much like Kris. She is just the sweetest, best behaved, loving little girl.
When we took her home she was asleep in her car seat and my son packed her in. When she got inside and woke up and insisted on coming back and kissing grandma good bye. That was it! the tears started flowing.
We went back to Brodie’s and had a dip in their pool to cool off before we headed home.
My son was tired but he said too, it was a wonderful weekend and he said it was so good to have time for just him and I. I don’t remember a time since he moved out that we would have had 8 solid hours of just him and I. At one point I asked him what he thought was my worst trait and what was my best trait and he said, “You talk A LOT!!” I laughed so hard because I know I talk a lot and I had been talking nonstop for the whole trip. Not so much when we were other people but when we were driving I didn’t shut up. I said, “OK so that is my worst trait, what is my best trait?” He said, “You talk a lot.” I said he couldn’t use the same trait for both and he told me that he loved to listen to me talk, that I always had interesting stories to tell and he appreciated what I had to say. We told each other things we had been through that we never told each other before. We told each other what we appreciated about each other and we expressed our deepest fears and our regrets and things we are proud of about ourselves and each other, our dreams and things we are sorry for.
We got home and he had another hour to drive to get home himself. As he was pulling away, after hugging several times and saying I love you, he stopped his truck and rolled down his window and yelled out, “I love you mom, I’m really glad you came along!”
I walked in the door to my little cabin and it was just how I left it, no dirty dishes, no mess just the way I left it and I made myself a simple supper and thought how happy I am that the WOSPOS is not in my life any more. Stella and I crawled into bed early and my dreams were full of the wospos. But I didn’t wake up crying, I didn’t wake up upset in anyway. I woke up thanking the good Lord he is out of my life and that I lived long enough to experience to do a road trip with my boy.
When you are with the narc he keeps you in a dense fog that blocks the sunlight, so much negativity you can’t appreciate the simple wonderful moments in life. If I would have been with the wospos either he would have made it impossible for me to go or he would have started a fight before I went so I would have been in a bad mood OR he would have pissed my son off and my boy would have been in an angry mood. Then while I was gone I would have been wondering what he was doing, I would have been concerned about calling enough that he wouldn’t be upset and he would have said things when I called to upset me. I would have been worried about getting home on time and what I would find when I did get home. I would be walking on eggshells not wanting to sound like I had too much fun. The house would have been a mess with dirty dishes everywhere and I would have been pissed.
I will cherish this weekend for the rest of my life.
I watched this Oprah clip this morning LINK about living your purpose. Start living the life you were meant to live. I recommend it with all my “about to burst” heart!!