Deny Deny Deny

broken hearts hut

 

My son and I were talking while we were driving (me nonstop, it is my job to keep him awake) and I was telling him about the Oscar Pistorious case and how insane it is that he got off. My son has guns and he said too; who shoots through a closed bathroom door, when their girlfriend is not still in bed especially? He said something I hadn’t thought of before. A person is most vulnerable if they go looking for the intruder, which is true. If you think there is an intruder you are better off to pick a location where no one can come up behind you, position yourself and wait. That way you have the element of surprise on your side, you are ready and braced. Especially Pistorious, with no legs, he would have been much safer had he stayed in the bed and waiting until whoever was in the bathroom to came out and anyone who had taken any kind of gun training would have been taught that. ANYONE who has taken shooting lessons or ever even talked to someone who shoots guns knows you do not shoot blindly, like we have all heard in the movies, “Wait until you see the whites of their eyes and then shoot.”

Then I thought of a case locally where a guy got pulled over and the cops found a bunch of high power guns in the vehicle, ammunition, flack jackets, etc and there were two guys in the vehicle with him.The news report said that he told the police he was heading to check out property that was for sale in the area and he had no idea where the guns came from and he didn’t know who those two guys in the car with him were. He didn’t know what they were doing in the car or where they came from. The cops know he knows who was in the car with him and they know he knew there were guns in the car but what can they do if he denies it? If someone denies, denies, denies, you give up. What can you do? I remember having hard evidence, even pictures or letters in his own writing and the wospos would deny it. Either he would deny it or not remember doing it.

He didn’t remember joining dating sites or writing the woman in Africa and telling her he was bringing her to Canada. Eventually the other person ends up getting so frustrated at the total insanity of the situation they just give up the battle. The victim gives up arguing about other women, personal ads or whatever else the N is doing because they know they won’t get anywhere with the N., yet they refuse to walk away because they want the N to admit it. The victim starts to doubt themselves because the N is so adamant in his denial, a normal person, once cornered by hard evidence will buckle and confess, but not the N. He will get even more adamant he is innocent. We want to believe he wouldn’t do it, we don’t want to falsely accuse him, we want there to be some reasonable excuse or at the very least a promise he won’t do it again so we let it slide and tell ourselves, “If I ever catch him again it is over. Or we excuse his actions and tell ourselves it was not that bad but if he ever ……………… (fill in the blanks, with me I excused the personal ads because he wasn’t actually SEEING any of them but the first time I catch him dating one of them I am out of there). We start bargaining with our own sense of right and wrong, we start blurring the lines of our boundaries.

It’s one thing to catch your partner cheating and they admit it and you catch them again, you have a right to be angry and hurt, if they are all decent they say they are sorry even if they aren’t. But with a narcissist, they refuse to acknowledge what they have done, denying you your anger and hurt. Then on top of it all they criticize you for “always being angry” or “always crying” and the victim ends up feeling totally helpless and frustrated with no outlet for their emotions. In order to survive they bury their feelings and shut down.

I had shut down the last couple of months, I couldn’t react when he didn’t come home, his sister who was living with us would say, “Aren’t you mad? I would be furious!” and I just said,”There’s no point.” I had given up. Once you give up it is so much harder to recover because you have so much pain buried and as you heal more appears. It seems like you will never heal, just when you start to feel even a little bit normal something throws you back into the pit of despair and you feel you have made no progress whatsoever. Do not lose hope, you ARE making progress.

In self-preservation your mind blocked much of the abuse. Our minds can handle only so much pain and once it reaches its limit it stops acknowledging it, it is either that or go insane and have a total break down. As you heal your mind brings up the stuff you had buried so you can process it and heal that hurt. When that hurt is healed, more will surface for you to deal with. You will find every time this happens you feel a little lighter than before. The bouts of anxiety become fewer and less severe until you stop being triggered and you no long even look in the pit of despair, it is empty.

Human’s have an amazing ability to heal themselves, cut the human skin and it bleeds, a person can have a huge gaping hole or broken bone on their body and as long as it is cared for, kept sterile, and protected with a bandage or cast and allowed to heal before using it again (ie, not walking on a broken leg too soon) the body will rejuvenate the skin to cover the wound, a bone will knit together again, and in many cases the spot of the injury is even stronger than it was before and over time the scar even fades.But often times the healing process is painful also. Have you ever noticed that an injury is always more painful about 3 days after you get it, it hurts the most when it starts to heal, or if you get a cold or flue it always gets worse before it gets better? So it is with a broken heart, give your heart time to heal, know that it is going to hurt, healing hurts, growth hurts but you will heal if you are patient and take care of your heart, let it heal before you use it again and just like with a broken bone, take it easy for a while. You wouldn’t take your cast off your leg and go jogging, don’t jump into another relationship right away and expect your heart to withstand the pressure, it is going to be tender for a while and easy to rebreak.

Don’t deny your pain, don’t try to hide it, don’t listen to the people who tell you to “get over it” , “forget him and move on” ; to ignore or deny your pain will only bury it and it WILL resurface at some point, probably at a very inappropriate time so might as well deal with it now.

There is no shame in hurting,broken bones heart

the N might have denied your pain,

your friends may deny your pain,

YOU are the only one who knows

what your heart feels,

don’t deny it’s right to heal.

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8 Replies to “Deny Deny Deny”

  1. That guy stopped by cops and then denied knowing anything about the people and guns in the car with him? I’m pretty sure that would not fly here in the states. I don’t know because I can’t speak from experience…lol, but just from what I read.

    I’m almost positive the guy would not have driven away on his own cognizance.

    But then I know that wasn’t really the point and yeah, I’m not sure I’ve dealt with such overt narcs. The ones I come in contact with seem to be the more covert variety.

    As for a broken heart, I’ve figured out that mine has been broken since childhood broken by the first man I ever knew. And all my life tried to find a replacement, someone who could love me the way he never really could. Oh he told me he did and even at times did things that showed he did. But there were always some sort of abuse or at times mind f*cks.

    I don’t think I will use my heart to love in a romantic/significant other kind of way again because at almost 50 and such deep wounds for so long, my preference is to heal to love myself. And since I don’t feel too good about me I imagine that could be a long road.

    Good thought provoking post.

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    1. Safire, sorry maybe I wasn’t clear. He was arrested, he didn’t just drive away but he is so adamant in his claims he knows nothing he will probably get off on most of it.
      I understand you feeling you will never be in another relationship but never say never. 🙂 I have seen friends of my mom’s find love in their 60’s. Personally I would be fine never falling in love again myself. i think it is quite possible to live a full and happy life without a nan in it.

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      1. Ah ok yeah, I misunderstood.

        And I know you’re right it is certainly possible. I can’t say if I’d be open to it because at the moment the thought makes me shudder. There would have to be a strong friendship factor first and foremost.

        My grandmother stayed single after her divorce and according to my uncle who was still a little kid when that happened, she only dated one man for a short time. And from everything I saw of her, her life was pretty full. She worked, traveled some, had friends, got her driver’s license late in life too…when I was little.

        A little off track but pertaining to the never say never thing, I started saying that I’d never have kids when I was 13. All the adults I would say that to would say, “Never say never.”

        I’m 48 and don’t have kids…by choice. 🙂

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        1. safirefalcon, I totally agree, and believe me I am not saying you need a man to be happy!! There is nothing wrong with being a single woman, in fact I don’t even know if I can be with a man full time now, I enjoy my freedom too much!
          I( have just found in my life the minute I say, “I will never” it happens whether I want it to or not. Like, “I would never be homeless.” Boom a year later guess who is homeless. I would never be with a man who hit me, a few years later, guess who’s getting smacked around. And as much as I love my son and wanted him more than anything, I certainly can see the benefits to being childless. and as much as I love my granddaughter I was never the kind of mom to bug my son about having kids so i could be a grandma. If he would have decided to never have children I would have been fine with it. The way the world is now, I don’t even know if I would have a child now if I were to do it over.
          As much as I love my son, it was not easy raising him.
          Hugs
          Carrie

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  2. Another inspiring post Carrie. Thank you. 🙂
    I most definitely denied much of my ex N’s behaviours etc as much as he was denying me the honesty and respect that I deserved. I don’t know for certain nor will ever know if he ever physically cheated, but the denial that came from myself at the time into trying to convice my thoughts that much of what he was doing was almost okay became debilitating to my own wellbeing ultimately..
    … I have found another job close to where I live (so close I can walk to it and save money on fuel) which I’m excited about and should be starting soon. Staying at the school was just too much for me at this point in time and I think a break from working in Care after all these years may allow better time for myself. That reads selfish as there is nothing I love more than helping others.. But maybe that has been the trigger to some extent? In that I get so absorbed devoting my time to others that I have never truly had the opportunity to learn what I want from life; how to care for myself better. I certainly could still do voluntary work which is good, and may go back to care work again in the future. It has just become so stressful working at the school. I want a fresh start in my life, and a completely clean slate from the N also. And working somewhere that can be very challenging against it being in affect a strong reminder of when with N, leads me to believe that I’m right to move on. I guess were I to stay employed there I’d be denying my gut instinct which tells me that I’m still unsettled there after 3 months. It’s not a job I can socialise too readily in and that is also something I need to help with my confidence again. The job in the city where I live is sales, but the team seem friendly and I know someone who works there also; a guy who I went to nursery then college with haha! Small world eh? 🙂
    But I closed off, I denied what I wanted, what I was truly thinking throughout all the time with the N. If I were to stay at the school I’d be crossing a similar path. You just know when something doesn’t feel right, and I ignored those feelings before and it didn’t lead as you each know to a good place.
    Maybe I’m subconsciously running away from some of the the pain, I don’t honestly know. The N is not in my thoughts as much as before, but yes the aftermath of it all shall linger for some time yet, which is okay, I expect that. I feel I am getting better each day though. I seemed to have had a break from depressive spells despite the stress of job also, which assures me that moving on from there is the right move. I guess this is a sidestep in life for me. I’m not taking a step back by having a break from care work, just time to refocus and keep trucking forward.
    With love and hugs to you all from across the puddle. 🙂 x x x x x

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    1. Tifa, I think that is a wonderful idea, you are being so very realistic. It is far from “giving up” you are being wise and realizing your limitations and what you need right now to be the healthiest you can be. You don’t need the pressure right now and the most important thing is; you are following your gut!! THAT is HUGE!! Congrats on the new job and that you can walk to work!! I think you are heading into a really exciting new phase in your life.
      You need more “lightness” in your life, people you can become social with, people who aren’t challenging you at every turn. Like you said, you can always volunteer later if you feel the need. There are always so many areas a person can help others if they want to, you might find some other less stressful place to volunteer and use your compassion and empathy.
      I am so proud of you!! way to go!! You are really in tune with your body and mind and taking control back. Great big 🙂 and ^5 from me!!
      Carrie

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