Yesterday the blog went over 800,000 all time hits. Never ever in my wildest dreams did I think I would generate that much interest in what I have to say, nor did I ever dream I would ever feel this content and happy with my life. I didn’t think I would ever feel whole let alone feel the most serenity and self assuredness I have ever felt in my life.
and finally a post from last year on Sept 28 2013 about the power of prayer
So now after 800,000 hits and 3 and 1/2 years what do I have to say that I haven’t said already? I sometimes think I have said it all and now I’m just repeating myself, but since I started writing I have had clarity on a lot of issues also.
What do I know now that I didn’t know back in April of 2011 when I started this blog.
– When I started the blog I still held hope or feared that narcissists could actually change or be healed but I now know with all certainty that they never change.
– I still had not gone no contact. I used to say what I see so many victims say in the beginning. “But I didn’t call him he called me” , “Why does he keep hurting me?” , “Why is he giving his new woman everything I wanted and more?” and thinking I could make him see how he hurt me, that he might feel bad about what he did, that I could be his friend, that I could control the relationship in any way. hahaha I literally laugh out loud now at how naive I was. I now know that no contact means NO CONTACT with friends who discuss him, do not answer the phone if he calls and block him on all social networking sites; not to “teach him a lesson” but because he is so vindictive and toxic as long as you have contact he will take every opportunity to destroy you.
– I used to think I had no control over whether he hurt me or not (which is directly related to the above issue) It was hard to admit it but I finally realized I was allowing him to hurt me by remaining in contact and expecting a different response than the ones I had got for the earlier 10 years. Definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
– I didn’t know why my life sucked in every area, even areas where the wospos was no longer involved; it seemed nothing went right ever like he had put a curse on my life. It took a long time but I found out that the longer the wospos was out of my life the better my life became. I really believe that the narc has such a huge negative energy surrounding him that it affects everyone he comes in contact with. We think we need him to be happy but it is his negative energy that is causing the problems in our life. There is a lag time between ending all contact with him and seeing the positive results it doesn’t happen immediately but slowly over time and I think directly related to how hard we work to change how we view things.
– I didn’t have much faith in God when I started the blog, I was so disappointed that I had believed in him and he had let me down. I now realize that HE didn’t let me down, the wospos worked his evil and destroyed everything good in my life and I had many chances to leave him and chose to stay. it is not God’s fault if I refuse to see the truth and continue to make the same mistakes. I had to wake up and see the truth that God kept putting right under my nose and I turned a blind eye to.
– When I started the blog I didn’t think I would ever be happy, when I started the blog I was just trying to keep myself from ending my life. I never expected to be happy, I knew I had to stay alive for my son and not leave him a legacy like that but the thought of ever feeling joy again in my life seemed totally out of reach. I have known joy like never before and a lot of it comes from totally accepting myself for who I am and then the people around me appreciate me for who I am. I no longer have people in my life who don’t appreciate me for me. I no longer need to be liked by everyone and if they don’t like me I don’t feel less loveable or deserving of love or that I need to change.
– I used to want to be the woman I was before I met the wospos but now I never want to be her again and like the new me a whole lot more. I am not perfect and I still have occasional moments of self-doubt or negative self talk but I am getting really good at talking back to those voices that tell me lies about myself.
– I didn’t used to believe in manifestation or that I could control what my mind thought of. I have since learned that we control our thoughts and we don’t have to think about the ex and what the new woman and he are doing. I don’t have to torture myself and can change what I think about and it does make such a difference in my mental attitude.
– When I started the blog I was still very much in love with the wospos and thought I would love him until the day I died. hahahaha that makes me laugh now!!! I can’t even loving him now or why I ever did love him. I know he would not have that kind of control over me now. He is a joke, only a bad joke that isn’t really funny and he disgusts me.
– I have slowly learned that I can control only so much and I have to let things happen as they should and not panic when things don’t happen in my time frame and that things happen for a reason.
– When I started the blog in April of 2011 I didn’t think anyone would read it and just hoped that some day some woman somewhere going through what I had gone through would stumble across it and know they were not alone and it was not their fault. I now know that there are thousands of women and men out there suffering because of these soul suckers and people do want to read what I have to say, to the point of wanting to publish my writing, not once but twice and share what I write on their blogs and recommend other victims read what I have written.
– When I started the blog I was searching for answers and now people come to me looking for answers; I still research narcissists and psychopaths but now it is just my thirst for knowledge and no longer because I am trying to figure out James.
I have learned something else; I have come to realize that you never eradicate the narcissist from your memory, he will always be a part of your life and a part of you. You will always be affected by your experience with the N, it is unrealistic to think you wouldn’t be but it doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing. Since starting this blog I have met other survivors and it seems to me that there are 3 types of survivors. There are the ones who didn’t learn anything, went out there and got involved with the first guy who came along and gave them attention and 95% found themselves involved with another narcissist. There are the ones who hate men and will never get involved with a man again. Then there are the survivor who like me took their time to heal and examined themselves to see what it was about themselves that allowed the N to use and abuse them. They did the work to put themselves back together piece by piece and work on the shit that made them vulnerable to the N in the first place. They got to know themselves intimately and grew to love themselves, these are the survivors who, didn’t get bitter but built boundaries and defend them, they know their self-worth and make healthy choices because of that. Some of them are involved with someone else in a healthy relationship, while others have decided they don’t want a man in their life right now and are busy pursuing their own interests and don’t want to share their lives at this time.
I never thought I would ever view it as being a good thing in my life but I have no regrets now and I am thankful for the growth I experienced since leaving James. Don’t get me wrong, I still view the experience as the most painful of my life and I still view all the psychopaths and narcissists as a plague on society that I will continue to warn others about. I have stopped looking back and wishing things could have been different. Now I look forward with anticipation of what is to come, not regret or sorrow for what is past. The past made me what I am today, the past just is and I look forward to the future.
Below are the numbers of hits the blog has gotten since day one.
Months and Years
An unexpected but cherished experience of starting this blog is the wonderful people I have met, the bonds that have formed and how much caring I have felt from others and felt towards others. The internet truly does make it a small world and I think it is amazing that so many people who thought they were alone in their experiences have found others and found out they are far from alone but in reality, in very good company and can support and encourage each other even though they may never meet. It is a huge blessing in my life. I can’t help but be thankful for my experience with James because it brought me here.