How Can Crying Be A Good Thing?

I am sure most of the people reading this have experienced the look of disgust, the roll of the eyes, and rage of the narcissist because they were crying. I am also pretty sure that growing up you heard that you were “too sensitive”, you were called a sissy, told you were weak and in my case, when I cried as a child I was told if I wanted to cry I would be given a reason to cry.

When a person is with a narcissist they learn exactly how many tears one person can produce. I went, or the relationship went, through stages. In the beginning I never cried, why would I? the wospos gave me no reason to cry. If I was upset about anything, even things unrelated to him or us, he would pack me into the bedroom and make me lay with him in bed while we talked and he stroked my hair. Of course we always ended up making love.

Time went on and we started to have arguments, again he would pack off to bed and then one night things changed; he pushed me down on the couch. It shocked me. It escalated to him throwing me against the couch and me flying over the back of the couch and then the couch tipping over on it’s back with me sprawled across it. At that point I calmly pointed out that he could hurt me by doing something like that. His retort had been something like, “Nothing else works with you.” I didn’t cry, I would be angry but still believed we could talk things out, if I explained myself better he would understand what I was upset about.  Then he started to not come to bed with me and I would wake up alone and cry. It was a horrible way to start the day; crying. It took a lot of years for me to get over waking up alone. For me, sleeping together had been the glue that held us together, that made everything right with the world. He had told me that when he screwed around on his ex they hadn’t slept together for months and it always gnawed at me.

Over time it progressed to him picking a fight in the morning and storming out of the house after tearing me to shreds, saying I forced the relationship, he wanted out, he couldn’t take me any more. I would be panic-stricken, crying, pacing, unable to function, so I would call him crying and he would say he hated to see me upset and he would come and pick me up and I would ride around with him all day. We would have a great day, my hope would be restored, he would hold me and tell me how much he loved me and hated to see me crying. We did that dance for many years but at some point, I can’t recall exactly when it happened; he stopped caring if I cried, in fact; me crying sent him into a rage.

It was around year nine that I stopped crying. I just shut off my emotions, there was no point in crying, getting angry or even trying to talk to him about anything. I had left so many times, explained myself so many times, and nothing ever changed so I had resolved to just live with it, I knew I never left him for good, we always got back together. I knew he really loved me and I loved him, there was no point in fighting it any more. I thought I knew him well enough to avoid the fights if I just didn’t react to the things he did. I vowed to cling to the fact that he really loved me, that he could not be with another woman while he was with me, that we were soul mates, meant to be together. I was prepared to take whatever crumbs he gave me and love him no matter what he did.

But things only got worse. It became impossible to predict what would set him off, he loathed me on a regular basis and he rarely said he loved me. Sex became a physical release with no emotion attached to it, he didn’t even take his jeans off. he stayed out all night and gave transparent feeble excuses that I clung to. As long as he told me some lie, even if I knew he was lying, I could lie to myself. When he finally told me to get out for the umpteenth time, I didn’t even cry. I was numb, drained, a zombie.

It was not until he discarded me for another woman that the tears started, the panic returned, only this time he wasn’t there when I called, he was “in love” with someone else.

I literally fell apart, so badly that I scared myself, I had never lost control of my emotions like that in my life. I had divorced and had other traumatic events happen in my life but never experienced such total emotional devastation.

I remember thinking, “I will give into it, allow myself to cry as hard as I can for as long as I need to and get it all out; then I will feel better.” but it never mattered how hard I cried or for how long, the tears kept coming. It amazed me that a person could cry that much, surely, eventually a person would run out! but I never got to that point, the well never went dry. I wouldn’t even realize I was crying, they would just trickle down my face and drip off my chin, I stopped trying to catch them and dry my eyes, what was the point? I wouldn’t put my contact lens in or put make up on, what was the point? my makeup would be dripping off my chin with my tears anyway and something about tears really screws up your contact lens. I had to buy new lens almost monthly because my tears left mineral deposits embedded into my soft lens that no protein remover could touch.

Poor old Kato, he would look at me with his wrinkly sad face, put his head on my lap, he looked worried, like he didn’t know what to do with me.

I still cry often, but not with that kind of grief, when I cry now, it feels good. Sometimes I will feel tense, as if my emotions are building to a crescendo and the only release is to have a “good” cry. Now when I cry, I feel cleansed, calmer, and it doesn’t scare me, I don’t worry that I won’t ever stop, my soul isn’t breaking. Sometimes I will cry remembering that woman, the one who was me, that broken soul and I feel so bad for her. It as if I am watching a movie that I have viewed many times and cry every time I watch it. I cry every time I watch Sound of Music, or the movie Ghost. I remember I couldn’t even talk about the movie “Love Story” for a year without crying, that is the way I view that period of time in my life.

But I don’t always cry for “her” or anything to do with the wospos, sometimes I cry because I feel so blessed, I was talking to my mom this morning and she told me she had gone to my brother’s job site yesterday and saw my son Kris. She was telling me how my brother praised my son and how when he saw his grandma he immediately came and gave her and hug and then showed her a picture of his daughter. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Not from sadness, but from pride and thankfulness.  I received a wonderful letter of recommendation from one of my blog followers yesterday and cried again! Oh it was a great day!! so many tears and not one sad tear in the bunch!! Funny how that works, with the narcissist – sad tears………… without the narcissist – happy tears.

A couple of days ago I felt the urge to cry coming over me, I was stressed about money, but not really panicked about it or anything, just a little tired of living day-to-day, you know what I mean? I did a brief review of my life so far and shit, you know, it has been tough at times and I allowed myself to have a cleansing cry and felt so much better. I started to wonder why some cries can actually make us feel better so I Googled it. This is what I found out about tears.

– Emotional tears–the ones that come from distress or grief–contain more toxic byproducts than tears from something like peeling onions. Tears are used to wash irritants such as a speck of dirt from our eye and also remove toxins from our body that build up courtesy of stress. Much cheaper than therapy!

So now it makes sense why people say they “had a good cry” and felt better. Scientific studies have found that after crying, people actually do feel better, both physically and physiologically—and suppressing tears can actually make a person feel worse!

Further research showed that people who don’t cry for whatever reason actually have a much harder time dealing with stress than someone who cries easily. Are you feeling better about your tears yet?

Researchers did an experiment where they had volunteers watch a sad movie and then peel an onion. The researchers found that the emotional tears contained far more toxic biological byproducts and they actually remove toxic substances that normally build up during emotional stress.

Manganese is a mineral that affects mood causing anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, aggression, emotional disturbance and is found in up to 30 times greater concentration in tears than in blood serum. Emotional tears contain 24 per cent higher albumin protein concentration than tears caused by eye irritants. Could this be the protein I find embedded in my contact lens?

Suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems and peptic ulcers.

So there you have it!! Crying is good for you, within reason of course, and probably best done in private or with a close friend and not on the bus during rush hour or at the office staff party after you guzzled a bottle of wine all by yourself.  Next time you are remembering the N raging at you for “being too sensitive” and making you feel inferior because you cry; tell yourself it is further proof of how emotionally crippled HE is and that you are actually much healthier for having the ability to cry.

All those tears you are shedding ARE cleansing, they are removing all those toxins the narcissist left behind and making you healthy. So don’t try to suppress them, don’t feel weak or inferior, let those tears do their job and literally “wash that man right out of your life”

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5 thoughts on “How Can Crying Be A Good Thing?

  1. ellie2013

    This is coming from someone who was dubbed by her family growing up as “the waterworks”. I love this research you did! It makes sense, really. I don’t know how much better after a good cry I feel but it does tire me makes it easier to sleep after a stressful event and yes when waking there is some feeling better. I thought it was the sleep but just may be both working together.

    I believe that when N’s say they HATE to see us cry they really LOVE to see it. IMO. Makes them feel powerful that they can bring out emotion like that, they are firmly imbedding their hooks in us and and the tears show it is working. The tears, the emotional response is then eased by THEM,, more conditioning on their part. They instill more emotional dependence. When they reach the point they are angry at our tears they are close to done. The tears are not boosting their ego any more. The “thrill” of someone crying because of them is gone. At least with us. No more zing, no more boost to their ego. It is ALWAYS about them. They go on their way to see if they can foster that feeling elsewhere. It’s about conquest , manipulation.

    Big Hugs Carrie you did real good with this one,

    Ellie

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  2. threekidsandi

    I need to cry more! I have had trouble crying for years. I rarely do it. I should, I have PTSD, so I know I have malfunctioning stress chemicals. I did a once every six months cry just the other day, and it helped a bit.

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  3. Tifa

    Awesome post Carrie, thank you. And such interesting research. I’m a wearer of contact lenses myself, and while I use daily lenses now, I remember years back when I had monthly lenses and could sometimes see the build up of protein. So I opted to have fresh “eyes” daily instead. 😉
    Really interesting though how emotional tears can wash away toxic substances that build up as a result of stress.
    My mother still suffers severely with anxiety, although some days are better than others, but she actually complains sometimes when she cries. I think her mother (in fact can pretty much guarantee) was not one to support her when she was suffering a great deal of stress. Maybe something to do with positive and negative reinforcement; if when mum cried she was dealt with more emotional trauma by being approached negatively for doing it, then I suspect she learned to hold the tears in… Maybe resulting in accumulating more toxic substances in her body that has triggered heightened anxiety and depression? I don’t think my mum could allow herself to cry as she inadvertently brought her brother and sister up because my nan was often drunk and in abusive relationships. My nan would also be violent towards her partners which disturbs me to this day. Two weeks ago she was arrested as she had gone back on the booze and ended up hitting her partner. Something I am utterly disgusted with. She’s 70 years old now and carrying a lifelong gambling habit. My mum stands by her despite the emotional abuse she’s received all these years. We as a family still support my nan. But because of what happened two weeks ago, my nan has been at my mum’s more frequently (probably hoping for money), and it’s become too much for my mum. *Hence why I haven’t written a recommendation letter for you yet Carrie. I really hope to do this soon.* when mum cries it is devastating to see, because I hate to see anyone hurt, especially loved ones. But I do know that when I have cried myself, I often feel less weighed down, and it does bring a form of release.
    I too hid as much emotion as I could from my N towards the end. Even sitting quietly across the room from him at times was enough to piss him off. He went to comfort me when I went back to the house for some respite having been staying with mum for a month to support her (May this year), and I was so overwhelmed with stress and emotion. My mum’s health coupled with all the shit I was feeling from him had made me feel so mentally and physically drained/ill. I rejected him trying to comfort me, as while away he hadn’t called to check in on me or my mum.. When I phoned him he seemed distracted. He became angry and started calling me a bunch of names.. Then came back to comfort me, and surprise surprise he had sex with me while in his uniform before going to work on base. Nice. He shed a few years when sadly four of his colleagues lost their lives here in the UK during a practice mission. I was overwhelmed with sadness for those who died and their families. But my N would mock my tears saying “I didn’t even know them”, so I paid my respects to them privately. But again, he appeared sad but not very open about crying. He seemed to imply it was wrong and perhaps showed some vulnerability? Do N’s feel that though?? I suspect he viewed it as a weakness, which it isn’t at all.
    But I have more “good” cries now.. 🙂 if I see a baby being born on TV.. Or learn of something equally wonderful I feel my eyes leaking haha! And also when I laugh so much I too can cry. It’s a wonderful physical release even during times of woe. Definitely therapeutic and makes us human. 🙂
    With love and hugs from across the puddle. 🙂 x x x x x x

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  4. The Heretic

    I have my moments; a movie, song, or book that strikes a nerve.

    But I think as for the real life stuff, maybe it is a way to shed the horrible stuff. Not exactly if I am anywhere near accurate or correct, but it is what I think.

    (Sorry if this comment comes out riddle-like. I did read the post and wanted to comment before the millions of other distractions come along.)

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  5. Kim Saeed

    I remember those days, Carrie. I remember feeling so broken that not only did I cry, I also screamed…screams of anguish. I believe I lost many parts of my soul during that time.

    I have noticed that since I’ve had that experience, I don’t cry as much as I used to, even when I feel emotional (i.e., watching a movie, seeing a sad commercial). Sometimes it concerns me because it often seems I’ve “lost my ability” to cry. But when I do, I don’t hold it back, because as you said, it can cause physiological symptoms.

    Once, about two years ago, I remember feeling that sick, PTSD feeling and wanting to cry, but instead I stopped myself. The pain and anguish literally moved from my heart into my stomach and I thought I was going to have to call 911. My stomach hurt so much I was doubled over…

    Anyhoo, I do a lot of meditations now…maybe that has grounded me and is why I don’t cry as much as I once did…

    Thank you for sharing that part of your life with us.

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