I am sure most of the people reading this have experienced the look of disgust, the roll of the eyes, and rage of the narcissist because they were crying. I am also pretty sure that growing up you heard that you were “too sensitive”, you were called a sissy, told you were weak and in my case, when I cried as a child I was told if I wanted to cry I would be given a reason to cry.
When a person is with a narcissist they learn exactly how many tears one person can produce. I went, or the relationship went, through stages. In the beginning I never cried, why would I? the wospos gave me no reason to cry. If I was upset about anything, even things unrelated to him or us, he would pack me into the bedroom and make me lay with him in bed while we talked and he stroked my hair. Of course we always ended up making love.
Time went on and we started to have arguments, again he would pack off to bed and then one night things changed; he pushed me down on the couch. It shocked me. It escalated to him throwing me against the couch and me flying over the back of the couch and then the couch tipping over on it’s back with me sprawled across it. At that point I calmly pointed out that he could hurt me by doing something like that. His retort had been something like, “Nothing else works with you.” I didn’t cry, I would be angry but still believed we could talk things out, if I explained myself better he would understand what I was upset about. Then he started to not come to bed with me and I would wake up alone and cry. It was a horrible way to start the day; crying. It took a lot of years for me to get over waking up alone. For me, sleeping together had been the glue that held us together, that made everything right with the world. He had told me that when he screwed around on his ex they hadn’t slept together for months and it always gnawed at me.
Over time it progressed to him picking a fight in the morning and storming out of the house after tearing me to shreds, saying I forced the relationship, he wanted out, he couldn’t take me any more. I would be panic-stricken, crying, pacing, unable to function, so I would call him crying and he would say he hated to see me upset and he would come and pick me up and I would ride around with him all day. We would have a great day, my hope would be restored, he would hold me and tell me how much he loved me and hated to see me crying. We did that dance for many years but at some point, I can’t recall exactly when it happened; he stopped caring if I cried, in fact; me crying sent him into a rage.
It was around year nine that I stopped crying. I just shut off my emotions, there was no point in crying, getting angry or even trying to talk to him about anything. I had left so many times, explained myself so many times, and nothing ever changed so I had resolved to just live with it, I knew I never left him for good, we always got back together. I knew he really loved me and I loved him, there was no point in fighting it any more. I thought I knew him well enough to avoid the fights if I just didn’t react to the things he did. I vowed to cling to the fact that he really loved me, that he could not be with another woman while he was with me, that we were soul mates, meant to be together. I was prepared to take whatever crumbs he gave me and love him no matter what he did.
But things only got worse. It became impossible to predict what would set him off, he loathed me on a regular basis and he rarely said he loved me. Sex became a physical release with no emotion attached to it, he didn’t even take his jeans off. he stayed out all night and gave transparent feeble excuses that I clung to. As long as he told me some lie, even if I knew he was lying, I could lie to myself. When he finally told me to get out for the umpteenth time, I didn’t even cry. I was numb, drained, a zombie.
It was not until he discarded me for another woman that the tears started, the panic returned, only this time he wasn’t there when I called, he was “in love” with someone else.
I literally fell apart, so badly that I scared myself, I had never lost control of my emotions like that in my life. I had divorced and had other traumatic events happen in my life but never experienced such total emotional devastation.
I remember thinking, “I will give into it, allow myself to cry as hard as I can for as long as I need to and get it all out; then I will feel better.” but it never mattered how hard I cried or for how long, the tears kept coming. It amazed me that a person could cry that much, surely, eventually a person would run out! but I never got to that point, the well never went dry. I wouldn’t even realize I was crying, they would just trickle down my face and drip off my chin, I stopped trying to catch them and dry my eyes, what was the point? I wouldn’t put my contact lens in or put make up on, what was the point? my makeup would be dripping off my chin with my tears anyway and something about tears really screws up your contact lens. I had to buy new lens almost monthly because my tears left mineral deposits embedded into my soft lens that no protein remover could touch.
Poor old Kato, he would look at me with his wrinkly sad face, put his head on my lap, he looked worried, like he didn’t know what to do with me.
I still cry often, but not with that kind of grief, when I cry now, it feels good. Sometimes I will feel tense, as if my emotions are building to a crescendo and the only release is to have a “good” cry. Now when I cry, I feel cleansed, calmer, and it doesn’t scare me, I don’t worry that I won’t ever stop, my soul isn’t breaking. Sometimes I will cry remembering that woman, the one who was me, that broken soul and I feel so bad for her. It as if I am watching a movie that I have viewed many times and cry every time I watch it. I cry every time I watch Sound of Music, or the movie Ghost. I remember I couldn’t even talk about the movie “Love Story” for a year without crying, that is the way I view that period of time in my life.
But I don’t always cry for “her” or anything to do with the wospos, sometimes I cry because I feel so blessed, I was talking to my mom this morning and she told me she had gone to my brother’s job site yesterday and saw my son Kris. She was telling me how my brother praised my son and how when he saw his grandma he immediately came and gave her and hug and then showed her a picture of his daughter. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Not from sadness, but from pride and thankfulness. I received a wonderful letter of recommendation from one of my blog followers yesterday and cried again! Oh it was a great day!! so many tears and not one sad tear in the bunch!! Funny how that works, with the narcissist – sad tears………… without the narcissist – happy tears.
A couple of days ago I felt the urge to cry coming over me, I was stressed about money, but not really panicked about it or anything, just a little tired of living day-to-day, you know what I mean? I did a brief review of my life so far and shit, you know, it has been tough at times and I allowed myself to have a cleansing cry and felt so much better. I started to wonder why some cries can actually make us feel better so I Googled it. This is what I found out about tears.
– Emotional tears–the ones that come from distress or grief–contain more toxic byproducts than tears from something like peeling onions. Tears are used to wash irritants such as a speck of dirt from our eye and also remove toxins from our body that build up courtesy of stress. Much cheaper than therapy!
So now it makes sense why people say they “had a good cry” and felt better. Scientific studies have found that after crying, people actually do feel better, both physically and physiologically—and suppressing tears can actually make a person feel worse!
Further research showed that people who don’t cry for whatever reason actually have a much harder time dealing with stress than someone who cries easily. Are you feeling better about your tears yet?
Researchers did an experiment where they had volunteers watch a sad movie and then peel an onion. The researchers found that the emotional tears contained far more toxic biological byproducts and they actually remove toxic substances that normally build up during emotional stress.
Manganese is a mineral that affects mood causing anxiety, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, aggression, emotional disturbance and is found in up to 30 times greater concentration in tears than in blood serum. Emotional tears contain 24 per cent higher albumin protein concentration than tears caused by eye irritants. Could this be the protein I find embedded in my contact lens?
Suppressing tears increases stress levels, and contributes to diseases aggravated by stress, such as high blood pressure, heart problems and peptic ulcers.
So there you have it!! Crying is good for you, within reason of course, and probably best done in private or with a close friend and not on the bus during rush hour or at the office staff party after you guzzled a bottle of wine all by yourself. Next time you are remembering the N raging at you for “being too sensitive” and making you feel inferior because you cry; tell yourself it is further proof of how emotionally crippled HE is and that you are actually much healthier for having the ability to cry.
All those tears you are shedding ARE cleansing, they are removing all those toxins the narcissist left behind and making you healthy. So don’t try to suppress them, don’t feel weak or inferior, let those tears do their job and literally “wash that man right out of your life”