The Repercussions Of Playing The Game Too Long

The first time you compromise your principles with a narcissist, the first time you catch him in a lie and forgive him is the beginning of the end of the relationship so you might as well walk right then and there and save yourself a lot of needless heart ache.

I remember having my bags packed and my hand on the door ready to walk out because I had found his personal ad with Lava Life on the internet looking for casual discreet sex. I had been angry when I found it but not breaking up mad; just more like ‘what the hell is going on?” mad. I always give a person a chance to explain their side of things, but he hadn’t even tried to explain anything, he had immediately gotten indignant about it. After a few hours of him ignoring my anger I became very angry and thought “F you” and I was leaving, but he stopped me at the door, started to cry, made all kinds of promises, told me he loved me and the hook; he thought I loved him more than that, he didn’t think I would walk out the first sign of trouble.

I didn’t say, “I thought you loved me enough to not go looking for discreet sex behind my back.” How did his infidelity get turned around to me not loving him as much as he loved me? and to be honest, had I had any where to go I would have walked out that door. But I didn’t have anywhere to go, and he had talked me into getting rid of all my furniture because “we would get new stuff together.” I thought, “what can it hurt to give it one more try, I have nothing to lose.” THAT was my first mistake and second and third; I always thought I had nothing to lose and he always found a way of taking more from me. I did not know that a person can destroy your spirit and soul, strip you of your confidence and leave you a shell of the person you once were. I had a good job, I had friends and family, I didn’t see how anyone could take that away from me. I still didn’t view him as abusive, he still had not shown any signs of anger, only arrogance and when I confronted him on that he explained that it was hard to admit what he had done and to know he had hurt me. Well! I am not one to rub someone’s nose in their mistakes, we all make mistakes right? we have all needed to be forgiven at some point in our lives and he was crying real tears. But there was this part of me that was saying, walk out that door.

There was always a new beginning, a new job, a new town, a new trauma or drama to get through and then I was going to leave but with every second chance I sunk deeper and deeper into the trap he had set. My vehicle broke down, I lost my job because I didn’t have a reliable vehicle, then I owed him money, and my kid and brother were going through stuff and then his dad had cancer and there was always a reason to wait until things settled down and then I would not have to be strong for everyone and I could lean on someone else for a while.

Oh I did leave many times, but I always went back. I think that had I had a home it would have been easier for me to walk away from him, in previous relationships I had always owned my home and when the relationship ended I was secure in my home. But now I didn’t have a home and I didn’t have credit or a job and it made it a lot harder to walk out that door, or to start over with nothing. I was afraid, I didn’t want to be homeless, I didn’t want to admit I had failed, given up everything for a man and ended up walking away with nothing. But that is exactly what I ended up doing anyway, only 9 years later after he had beaten me down to nothing more than dirt under his feet.

From that first personal ad the relationship was over and I spent the next 9 + years trying to save it and ended up leaving with nothing, being homeless and so much weaker than if I just would have left in the first place. We made no progress, it was a steady slow demise of what had seemed like the love of my life. The thing is, had I left in the beginning it would have been so much easier, by the time he discarded me I had invested so much into the relationship I had nothing left and when you invest money, time and effort into something the more apt you are to invest more into whatever it is. You get this feeling that you have invested so much you can’t walk away now, if you invest just a little bit more you will get the big payoff.

slots

 

I am not a gambler but I imagine it is much like when a person plugs money into a slot machine all night; they get a little pay off to keep them hooked. So they plug that back into the machine because it has to pay off sooner or later. Then they have spent all their money but they don’t want to walk away because they just know that someone else will walk up and plug a couple of bucks into it and all the bells and whistles will start going off and someone else will get your payoff. So they borrow money and keep putting good money after bad and never getting the pay off, but NOW they have invested so much more. They would have been better off to walk away after losing a couple hundred, now they are into it for thousands and they CAN’T walk away.

slots winner

 

So it goes with the narcissist. If you think you have invested too much into the n to walk away now, believe me it is not going to be easier down the road.

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11 thoughts on “The Repercussions Of Playing The Game Too Long

  1. Love the gambling analogy ! It is so correct!!! I have gambled some LOL With the xnh and real gambling ( the n gamble is much riskier actually ) I have a friend that has done several times , exactly what you described. Several hundred later, as time was getting closer to leaving the casino , the money gets stuffed in quicker, one last chance to win it ALL back. It never happens 😦 I have seen her power be shut off but the the lesson was short lived, the next time the very same thing would happen. It’s the little wins that keep her going. Always thinks it has to hit eventually if you just put enough money in. It’s the possibility on winning big. The thrill I guess. The feeling. The bells, the whistles. Same thing like w/ the N. The way you feel when he throws a crumb your way. ADDICTION.

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    • Ellie, it is a lot addiction for many victims. How often do we hear the victim come in here and say, “She is getting everything I worked to get for years.” ? i know I felt it myself at first. I invested 10 years into him, surely it was going to pay off at any minute.But what I think really happens is the N always knew exactly what the victim wanted he just refused to give it to her. In his sick mind he wants the victim to suffer and doubt herself and what better way than to give everything she wanted to the next woman.
      JC took great pleasure in telling me all the things he was doing with M, all stuff I had wanted. They even took the train trip I had always wanted to take, he stopped talking to his ex’s. yada yada yada.
      The thing is I don’t even care any more what she got or is getting compared to what i got. I would have never been able to make him happy and I sure the hell wasn’t happy with him so that is all that counts. I did invest everything i had into that relationship and it was never good enough and it never would have been good enough. I don’t envy her in the least any more.
      The thing is, it is an addiction and the only way to break an addiction is to go cold turkey and suffer through the withdrawal.
      I have never been a gambler, I hate to lose money and I have always been afraid I wouldn’t know when to walk away so I stay away from the casino. I was in one once and spent $10 and walked out. Took all of 5 minutes. Wish I could have shown that strength with the N.

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  2. I should have left in 2001. Therefor there were sometimes things I was wondering what did happen, but not so severe. Then he caused a car accident on the highway. Drank to much and hit a car. Fled away from the scene and stayed away the whole night. Hit himself with a stone ande told the police, that he didn’t remember a thing. I was waiting all night. The police was at my door. The car was totalllos and I was so stupid to buy another one. It cost me all my savings. I left in 2013 and sometimes I think what was the right time to leave? After 2001 there were more signs he was not alright. Maybe he hit himself to hard with the stone, but I don’t think, that was the case.

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  3. Wow! This is intense. Great post! Reading this, I was thinking how easy it is to judge. I’ve never been within someone who physically abused although I think I’ve come close a couple of times.

    But I’m ashamed to admit, I have put myself in the position of being at the mercy of some abusive man who took advantage of me financially and emotionally I’ve definitely been sexually abused by men more often than I can count. Yes, rape was definitely their agenda! No more!

    What I’m saying is that I think giving the conditioning that women are giving in our societies, it is easy to give up our personal power to a man because he was supposed to be head of the house, and we wanted to be supportive.

    Add to that, the psychopath’s grooming, we have a recipe for another woman being hurt and abused. At the end of the day, you need to be able to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault as it could happen to anybody. You just happened to be the poor trusting soul who was abused this time!

    Hopefully, we learn to be smarter and more proactive next time, and refuse to give up our power to some jerk of a man! No longer on dating sites, but I’ve now learned to pay attention to men’s red flag behaviors and run without looking back! Shame it has to be this way, but I see no other choice!

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  4. If I’d invested by having someone give me a quid (sorry British monies lol) for the amount of times I had packed up, then about to leave the N, I think I’d have been close to stocking a slot machine or two! 😉
    Excellent post Carrie. There were no tears shed by him for my threat of leaving (and yes had there been they would have been fake) … No apologies or remorse on his part either.. but instead his twisting of the situation on to me as it being my fault etc. I was made to believe that I was too stupid.. That to believe all these girls messaging me telling me of what he was up to made me the bad person because as he defined.. it was just “bullsh*t fun”. That I was the “psycho”…”gullible f**k”… “Negative asshole” to think anything of it despite the epic warnings of actually how wrong it was for him to be behaving that way. Like yourself Carrie I too always give a person a reason to explain themselves in any situation even when it attacked my own wellbeing in the past .. To give that person the benefit of the doubt..
    Now I am hopeful that I have the tools to never again get sucked into playing such a game and happier and healthier for stepping away from the one before… Am “richer” by the day as a result. 🙂
    With love and hugs from across the puddle. Hope you are feeling much better. X x x x x x

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  5. For 5 years I now know (thanks mostly to your blog) that I have been married to a classic narcissist. I can relate to nearly every single post. I’m an intelligent attractive woman with a good job so why do I feel incapable of leaving? Probably because I’ve been systematically abused both mentally and physically…there must be something wrong with me. In the last 5 years I’ve had 2 sets of broken ribs, a perforated eardrum, fractured cheekbone, broken arms (twice), been hit on the head with a steel rod, and infected scalds from a kettle of boiling water thrown at me along with various other kicks and punches. Mostly fuelled by alcohol and cocaine so the violence doesn’t count if he claims he can’t remember most it…isn’t that right. Also it’s all my fault (if I’d just kept my mouth shut).
    This catalogue of abuse has changed me into a wreck but worse than that I’ve normalised it….don’t all women get hit and called names???

    I read your blog a lot and it’s helped me see that he is the one with the problem not me and I’m starting to feel that there could be light at the end of the tunnel…it’s just that it’s a long dark tunnel that I never thought I would have to travel down at my time of life (58).

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    • Sarah, I know that it seems like an overwhelming choice to leave, try to not project too far into the future and all the things that “could” happen, or how dark it seems from where you are right now. I am afraid of the dark, I can be sitting on the couch and feel perfectly safe and comfortable in my space but if the power goes out all of a sudden I am scared. I can’t see what was right in front of me a minute ago. But I know I have to find a flashlight or candle so I will stumble around the room, knowing that I have candles by the TV and a flashlight by the wall and I might bash my shin on the coffee table or trip over a shoe but I find light and once I light even a small candle I feel safer again. With the light of the candle I am able to find the flashlight and then more candles and before I know it the room is glowing with the warm comforting light of candles spread around the room. Then I lock the door, because it is warm and lit inside but outside is still very dark and foreboding.
      All you have to do is find one small candle right now, you have to get up and make that first step,once you do things will start to become clearer and dysfunction will not feel so comfortable and bit by bit more light will come into your life. We will be here to shine our light for you to follow.
      You must take the steps to be safe when you make the move so please contact your local DV shelter and read the safety plan at the top of this blog. Plan your escape covertly and carefully, incorporate help from some trust worthy friends or family. Making steps towards taking back control of your life will make you feel stronger also.
      You must accept that you are very unhealthy right now, you are not thinking straight, and it is impossible to think straight as long as you are with the narcissist/psychopath.
      We are here for you. Follow the light!
      Oh, and about being 58, next year you will be 59………and the year after that 60……… you really have no choice, 58 is better than 68, and certainly better than death or continued beatings.
      Hugs

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