I was cruising the internet again and came across a few sites that offered some interesting insight into psychopaths. One of them is a site that has actually referred to some of my posts, called psychcentral, the link is here.
I have taken excerpts from a chat on the forum concerning why women are attracted to sociopaths (psychopaths) (sociopath and psychopath or the same thing, just some people prefer to use sociopath, there is debate that sociopaths are a product of their environment and psychopaths are born that way. But the DSM doesn’t recognize sociopath.)
Anyway the first reply to the question, “Why are women attracted to sociopaths” is from a self profess psychopath, Myers: and is in blue type. Comments from other people are in purple and orange to make it easier to follow the conversation. I didn’t want to use people’s names out of respect for privacy.
I have several answers for you, most of which appease my own ego.
Psychopaths are very charming. I’m not exaggerating or gloating, either. It’s actually one of the criteria. Many psychopaths are so charming and cunningly deceitful that experienced criminal psychologists succumb to their charms to the point of giving them money, housing them, and even making attempts to get them out of prison. Again, I’m not gloating. There are case studies of this phenomenon.
A few other things… We live life on the wild side. Literally. Most women find this exciting, at least at first glance. We’re also quite mysterious. However, this is usually because most of our stories are lies and consequently quite vague. Our self-created history is usually based off cliche roles (i.e., the abused child who grew up to donate millions to charity, the man who nearly escaped cancer and is now living like there’s no tomorrow, the rags to riches businessman, and so forth). One would think people could see through these cliches and lies easily. But psychopaths are experts at playing on people’s emotional needs and desires. We can and will play any role that we think will please our love interest, business partner, friend, or other such person. This illusion of emotional attachment (as well as a cokctail (sic) of other charms and thrills) can be so strong that it blinds the psychopath’s partner of the inconsistencies in the psychopath’s many stories and manipulative tendencies. Any person who watches this relationship from the sidelines can (and usually does) notice how manipulative the psychopath is.
* Interesting. And probably true. Women are funny. They love the “bad boy” yet, they cry and complain when their calls and emails go unanswered.
* I wonder how exciting it’ll be for them once their bank accounts are empty and they’re no longer considered useful?
* And why let themselves get abused and not walk away? Self-loathing?
* I doubt most are like….”Um, hi! I am abusable Miss so n so…you…you’re a psychopath ? if you ever sit n chat with Myers…He isn’t like that here.He is engaging for no other visible reason than to chat in chat rooms about regular stuff.
* I don’t think women consciously look for someone who is abusive and controlling. And if you read Myers answers to other questions you will notice that he admittedly treats others like garbage. He admits to lying, abusing, cheating and screwing with people just for kicks. If you find him charming and interesting then you might be “falling for his act.”
* Remember, Meyers is a sociopath. However, he might be using “I’m an honest sociopath” as another form of manipulation to get what he wants. I believe Meyers is being honest in his answers but I need to question why a sociopath would want to expose his “tricks.”
* I have read his posts,watched him engage with others.He has never been inappropriate,does not flirt with women,is married…and has manipulated not one person on site.He is honest…I would rather sit with him ..being up front..than people who are one thing in your face and whisper behind your back.Thats what you have to watch out for.~W~
* If you take the definition a bit beyond the scope of the DSM criteria and find an answer please post or PM me… I have found one of the quickest ways to determine if a man is a sociopath (in a more broad sense than DSM) is that I have dated them.
* I do know one factor… for a smart chick I can be very naive. My social skills are not congruent with what I have to offer a relationship… So… while I have a lot of good qualities my social skills keep me isolated. Many people with less than steller motives are able to hone in on me in a crowd very quickly. Someone with my qualities shouldn’t be as alone as I am… May as well have a flashing neon light over my head!
* Here are a few tips for your dating agenda:
1. Don’t date anyone who is too sarcastic.
2. Don’t lend anyone money.
3. Don’t give out too much personal information too quickly.
No, most women don’t consciously look for an abusive relationship… However… Many of the characteristics of a typical psychopath: charming, mysterious, callous (which is often seen as stoicism if the psychopath plays his or her cards right), a “loner”, financially successful (or at least claiming to be), fearless, and manipulative… These are all traits of how the “tall, dark, and handsome” man is portrayed in the media. Look at James Bond, for instance… Bond shows a lot of psychopathic traits, and those aspects of him are glorified. Needless to say, women fall head over heals for characters such as this. Nowadays, this character is the vampire, Edward, in all his sparkling glory… which I can’t understand to save my own life… I wouldn’t even dare peg Edward as a psychopath, but he does show a few traits, mainly charming and controlling… very, very controlling… And a stalker… Yet, women justify this behavior because he’s just “so dreamy”…
Psychopaths not only fit this role of the dark, mysterious, and charming loner, we will also craft this mask to meet the specific emotional desires of each person. And we don’t just pick out any poor sap who crosses our paths, either. Many psychopaths attest that, when they go out to find a suitable partner, attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Psychopaths will search for people who have low self-esteem and a poor support system (family, friends, etc.). Dr. Angela Book researched the psychopath’s ability to spot vulnerability in a victim. This notion was researched because of a remark made by Ted Bundy, who claimed he could “tell a victim by the tilt of her head as she walked” (which I thought was completely ridiculous and not based in science…) But, according to Dr. Book, the psychopathic subjects were able to pick out which of the volunteers had been a victim of a serious crime just by watching them walk (body language and so forth)… This study can be found in the documentary I, Psychopath and in the article “Psychopathic Traits and Perception of Victim Vulnerability” by Sarah Wheeler, Angela Book, and Kimberly Costello.
When women who are lonely and have low self-esteem find men who are charming, confident, and play on every emotional desire their partners have, in many cases, those women think they’ve found their soul mate. And when one finds ones soul-mate, all rational thought goes out the window…
There isn’t much havoc I can wreak over an internet forum; you needn’t worry. And I’m a psychopath. “Sociopath” is a term that isn’t recognized in mental health or forensic settings; “psychopath” is.
Also, I can lie and abuse and cheat, but I refrain most of the time. Well, at least from abusing and cheating… I try to limit my psychopathic tendencies, especially around those that I want to stick around…
And there are many reasons I come here…
I like to talk.
I especially like to talk about myself.
I like being recognized and appreciated for my knowledge in the subjects of psychopathy and antisocial personality disorder.
I don’t like all the frivolous notions and myths you people like to say about me and my kind.
I like that I’m able to reveal these aspects of my personality and talk about them openly without fear of repercussion.
That I’m “exposing my tricks” is a moot point. The few people that actually read and take heed to my advice most likely are never going to meet me, and, if they do, wouldn’t know who I was. Also, experts who have studied psychopathy for years have been deceived by psychopaths. I doubt any layman who reads over a few posts on an forum, regardless of how accurate or in-depth those posts may have been, could identify a psychopath should they come across one…
* I appreciate your replies, I must admit I am now very curious.
Is this something that there are degrees of or that is on some kind of spectrum?
And, if a psychopath is playing their cards right wouldn’t it be safe to assume that their partner would be “securly hooked” before they demonstraited the more controling or abusive aspects of their charactor?
Also, is it safe to assume that a psychopath would have to hve a significant IQ to be able to accomplish all of this?
* I was totally sucked in by Mr. Crazy. I had no clue he was a psychopath until I started looking for answers on the internet & found that he fits it perfectly! My question is how does one live with someone like this in a peaceful manner? That’s all I desire, not a relationship, just peaceful co-existence.
My guess is “peaceful” and “psychopath” only have the letter “P” in common…nothing else. (I love this line!!)
* All people are different and this includes those with Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Some with APD turn out to be hard core serial killers. Some turn out to be just nasty ppl who live a lonely life. When they die they aren’t missed. This disorder is often romanticized as Meyer’s puts:the dark handsome leading man who takes what he wants when he wants it.
However, the reality is much different. The literature indicates there is a certain brain function that doesn’t work in those that have this disorder. Which in essences means there is a type of “brain damage” indicated.
Many psychopaths attest that, when they go out to find a suitable partner, attractiveness has nothing to do with it. Psychopaths will search for people who have low self-esteem and a poor support system (family, friends, etc.).
* This is interesting. So the attractiveness of the victim doesn’t have anything to do with selection?
I’m not so sure that is the case for all psychopaths. Some find this a game- the better looking the female the better the score.
* I dated someone who I think really would fit the DSM requirements. I was peaceful and he was the psychopath.
We made it three years before he crossed my line. Perhaps it was because he was working very hard to have a relationship with me dispite himself.
I think part of why it worked for as long as it did (and Myer please feel free to add your view) was that I didn’t react to him, we interacted. I refused to play games or get sucked in. If he went into drama, thrill seeking or being the hero I would just sit and let it pass. Even at my weakest moments I refused to let go of “me” which I think he did not expect and saw as a challenge. I know the thing he said to me most was that I was “a lot stronger than I appeared”.
Our last date was his birthday. I brought him to his favorite place to eat and then we went for an evening walk in the park. We sat on a bench, under the stars in front of a beautiful fountian. Music from a nearby concert could be heard in the background. Yep… a fairy tale sort of night. I curled up next to him and gently laid my head in his lap. As he gently stroked my long hair he very “romantically” (and his tone of voice was seriously romantic…) said that he was just thinking… It would be so easy to snap my neck and he could be out of the country before my body was found and anyone went looking for him. I agreed that his statement was true, waited a moment, said I was cold and he drove me home, politely greeted my dad (who was not supposed to be there), kissed me and left.
At that point I became too worried that he was losing ground with his “inner struggles” and my luck sucks… So I left. And by left I mean dropped off the face of the earth left rather than just stopped returning calls.
* Thank you for sharing this story. It is terrible that you had to experience such a night. However, you have made a perfect case for the need to stay away from anyone who displays Antisocial tendencies. As you sat on the bench with visions of romance your boyfriend had visions of chainsaws. Someone with APD cannot love you – it isn’t in their nature.
Actually, very few psychopaths are serial killers. And most psychopaths are charismatic thrill seekers who do take what they want when they want (or try to); that isn’t romanticized. That’s not to say all of them are secret agents and look like James Bond, however…
And I prefer to see the difference in brain structure as an evolutionary step as opposed to “damage”… (note the psychopath considers himself evolved not damaged.)
I agree that the relationship lasted because you didn’t give into his drama and manipulation. I was actually going to add that in a response to one of your posts… In order to avoid being targeted by a psychopath, it’s best to convince said psychopath that you’re neither a suitable target nor a threat. Of course, they’re more likely to ignore you than ask you out if you do this…
If you really wanted to maintain a healthy relationship with a psychopath, it’s more up to them than you. That is, if they have enough desire and motivation to suppress their psychopathic tendencies for the sake of the relationship, which is very difficult to maintain over long periods of time, it might work. In which case, it is somewhat possible. And, by “somewhat”, I mean it can never be as healthy as a relationship with a non-psychopath, considering the spouses emotional and social needs and the psychopath’s inability to truly fulfill those needs. If you choose this, I advise seeing a therapist regularly, learning manipulation and how to counter it, having a strong support system (family, friends, etc.) that you see regularly, and learning how to control your own reactions. Maybe I’m a hypocrite considering my marital status, but I wouldn’t advise trying.
and i agree with everyone – charm, and the ability to sell themselves to you – or at least the current version – they give you what you need and it fills their ego to have you on a string ….until the string tightens and you realise its not a bow for your hair but a leash he’s attaching to you.
* I have had one place his hands on my neck and say he could kill me – i to played along and cooly and calmly replied that sure he could – but logistically where we were was not a good place – he agreed…
I had to interact more wiht him because he was married to my sister – and he did for a few more times when the leash was not working on my sister try the fear approach – it was as if he was going through a list … hmmm charm – tick – ok thats out now
lies galore – too many to keep track of…..
fear – tick – > leading to dependance…..
but ultimately leading to his defeat…so far…….
his family was his posession that was all – his front to the world – of no value other than that.They sort of went off topic here and someone mentioned Dexter being a psychopath and I found the reply from the psychopath interesting and seeing as Dexter is a fictional character I am assuming the writers of the show think they are making Dexter act like a real psychopath but because they don’t know any psychopaths Dexter is not an accurate portrayal.
Why Dexter is not a psychopath
Where do I start? …
The thing that bothers me most about Dexter is that he follows rules very strictly. Given, I have my own rules that I do follow. But to meet an end, I’ll break any rule, even my own. Dexter also doesn’t have the obsessive drive to attain a goal that all psychopaths portray. Michael C. Hall tries to show it in some episodes, but I don’t really see it. And, as much as he’ll try to deny it, Dexter does feel guilt, as seen when he mistakenly kills an innocent man. A real psychopath wouldn’t give a rat’s arse, as long as he didn’t get caught. ( and I think this is where victims often get confused. The psychopath has no problem doing things he knows will hurt you or others, the ONLY time he shows remorse is when he is caught. That is not remorse. That is sorry you got caught because they never want to be viewed as the bad guy.Plus he prides himself on being so cunning and a masterful manipulator and gets strokes from pulling one over on you. To get caught means he screwed up, failed…. and that will never do in his mind. He must win you back in order to do it again, better the next time. Just to prove he is indeed superior and in control.) Some of his social interactions were painful to even watch… Not exactly the smooth talker found in the vast majority of psychopaths.
Also… He’s much too melancholy, especially when he describes his “Dark Passenger”. He’s melodramatic and “whiney” in some parts. He also names his predatory nature the “Dark Passenger”, which is downright peculiar. He doesn’t like sex (at least in the first season)… Furthermore, he doesn’t like sex because he’s afraid his partner is going to see his lack of emotion during sex. I don’t know why he can’t fake emotion during intercourse in the first place. (I found this statement very telling!! why doesn’t he just fake it. Exactly! because that is what psychopaths do). I also can’t understand why he’d care. (Again, exactly!) He claims not to understand flirting. He seemed very conscientious as a child and even a teenager. His sense of humor is… well… sad…
Those are but a few complaints…
Then I visited a Huffington Post interview where they discuss why we love serial killers, and after all most serial killers are psychopaths. Here is the link to the interview why we love serial killers . Please note that the doctor being interviewed emphasises several times that it is about control and not sex or love.