The narcissist is a master at faking it. He is so good at it that he doesn’t even have to “make it” ( fake it til you make it, you know?) The narcissist/ psychopath comes across as confident, in control, intelligent, worldly, and trustworthy. At least mine did, and as with most people I found those traits to be very attractive and sexy.
Let’s face it, people are drawn to confident, intelligent, in control people. We tend to trust them because they seem to know what they are talking about, what they want out of life and they seem to know how to get it. People don’t like wishy washy, sorry, they just don’t. They don’t like loud and brash egomaniacs either but my narc didn’t come across that way, did yours at first?
Many of us were targeted by the Narc because we too were self assured, intelligent and trustworthy, and trusting and giving and forgiving and empathetic and good listeners and and and……..
By the time the narcissist/psychopath was done with us we were none of those things, we were left a shell of the person we once were, not even a good looking shell. We had either lost a lot of weight or gained it, some of us lost hair, others got a lot greyer, more wrinkled, and we all lost that sparkle in our eyes and our zest for life. Most of all we have lost all confidence in our ability to do pretty much anything. We are barely functioning with the N waiting for us to drop so he can kick us when we’re down or kick our feet out from under us if we get up.
Pretty hard to muster up any confidence when this is where you are in your life. I love Ted TalkX, that is my “go to” place for inspirational videos on any subject, so that is where I went today looking for resources to help some of you with your confidence and changing your life around from negative to positive. I have always done self talk and positive reinforcement with myself, for years I have had conversation and arguments in my head with myself so when I was left a shell I did have some past experience at building myself back up. It took me a long time because i didn’t have help so I am hoping these videos will help you speed up the process for yourselves. First I found this Ted TalkX video about building confidence.
And then I found this video on Ted TalkX about how people get stuck in the negatives. I have noticed that people tend to get stuck in a negative state and can’t bring themselves out of it, I didn’t realize there had actually been a study done on it. (I should have known there would be a study, there is a study on everything under the sun) I found it very interesting though.
Negative breeds negative so it is very hard to break away from that mind set and to break the cycle. I had never experienced the effects of negativity before in my life until I met my ex, yet he always told me he couldn’t handle my negativity! Right.
In my life BJC (before JC), things always had a way of working out, I didn’t expect bad things to happen. I looked forward to Christmas, birthdays, going home after work, I looked forward to my days, my life, and then with my ex I stopped expecting positive things to happen and found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. If I had plans to go somewhere, I grew more and more nervous and tense wondering if I would get there or would he start a fight, would the car break down………..I knew he would do something, but what? It got to the point that IF I did make it to wherever I wanted to go, I was surprised. But you can never enjoy anything when you are always on edge waiting for something bad to happen.
You get programed to expect the worst, your brain stops thinking of all the good things that can happen and only focuses on the bad stuff. And you know what? if all you think about is negative shit, that is what you get in your life. It just works that way.
I had managed to maintain a positive outlook on life for most of the 10 years I was with my ex. Every time we split good things just fell in my lap. (he wasn’t around to screw it up) It was amazing, I would only have to think “I need a couch” and by the end of the day someone would give me one. I would pray in the morning to make $500 and by the end of the day I would make $499.95. Even my mother couldn’t help but be impressed by how reliable my good luck was.
It must have pissed off my ex emmensely!! They hate happy people who get stuff, they want it all for themselves.
So when I left the last time I was confident that things would go as they always did, once I was out of the control of the ex my life would fall into place again, good things would start happening. But they didn’t. nope. I was so deep into negativity I couldn’t see the light of day. That last two years with him, without the support of my family, without friends, and with him doing his level best to make sure he destroyed me this time had taken its toll and I was fearful, negative and had lost all faith in God or anything good ever happening in my life. I tried to fake it til I made it, I prayed and nothing happened, i sunk deeper into despair and negativity. I knew the negativity was not working in my favor but how do you think positive when nothing good is happening around you?
There were good things happening, but I couldn’t see them for the black cloud that hung over my head. I was also still in contact with the ex and he fed my negativity by continuing to sabotage my truck, texting and then not replying when I answered, saying he was coming over and then not showing up, promising me money and then reneging, you name it he did it, dropping a little crumb of nice every once in a while to keep me hooked. I was totally dependent on him to feel good. Scary position to put yourself in, one call from him, a short conversation and I could make it through the night. He was my drug, my oxegen, he was my life.
So how did I turn things around? It took a long time, the results of my efforts didn’t appear for a long time and I was about to lose hope but I kept faking it until I made it. I would go out there and smile and chat with people and pretend I was happy. I might cry all the way home but I put on a happy face when I was out. I blogged a lot. I loved my puppies and trust me I bitched a lot about how unfair the world was and how I was never going to overcome all these obstacles.
But I would take a long walk with the dogs and appreciate the mountains, the babbling creek, the fresh blueberries I picked every morning and I did a lot of self talk. All it took was for one good thing to happen and my whole life took on a more positive glow. I got the job at Ccon, it was the catalyst and i went with it. I got the house deal, I found money I didn’t know I had and once I was on a roll it just kept coming.
Now, bad shit has happened since, I have had two heart attacks, two strokes, I lost my job and I can no longer afford to buy this house. The ex tried his best to destroy everything good that had come into my life and it didn’t work. I still can find myself worrying about what he might pull next but I don’t dwell on it because I don’t want to bring that negativity back into my life. I have never lost my positive attitude since things switch over. It is so much easier to stay positive than try to dig yourself out of negativity I am afraid of the ex and his black cloud. I would never go back to him because i found out how hard it is to rid yourself of that black fog that permeates everything and blocks the sun. A toxic black cloud of evil negativity that will suck the life right out of you.
Start small, keep a journal and write down something you are thankful for every single day. It may seem silly, or impossible, but everyone has something to be thankful for, force yourself. You may think it can’t help, you are too down, there is no help for you. I call bullshit. I have been there and I know it works. You have to start somewhere and sometime, might as well be now.