The Benefits To Being A Victim

Now don’t get all mad at me until you hear me out! I only ever write about what I know so what I am about to say comes from my experience and I am not criticizing anyone.

hobbs

I can remember saying, “Why does he keep hurting me?” and I was told by the people I was crying the blues to, “Because you let him.”

I was offended, I was NOT letting him hurt me, I never called him, I was no contact, HE called me and then he said horrible things to me and now I have cried for hours and feel like crap. How can THAT be my fault?

“He showed up where I worked and wanted to talk and I wasn’t strong enough to say no and now I am heart-broken again and it’s been a year!! Will I ever heal? Why does he keep hurting me?! ”

People kept telling me to go no contact, but I wasn’t contacting him so I was no contact. Let’s be honest, not many of us can receive an email from our ex and not read it, and then if he baits us it is soooooo hard to not respond. BUT if he can’t get an email to us we never know if he tried, we never have to read his bullshit intended to get a reaction and we don’t have to exercise enough will power to not give him a piece of our mind. OR if he is being all contrite and sorry we don’t have to decipher if he is lying or not and deal with self-doubt and indecision because we won’t know.

If you are keeping the lines of communication open, giving him some little crack to get through to you , be honest, you are waiting and hoping he is going to contact you and be sorry. You want to make sure that if he changes his mind he has a way through to you.

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OK you can’t stop him from showing up at your work and it is admittedly very hard to not talk to him if he does. You will pay the price of talking to him, believe me! he does not have your best interests at heart and if he shows up out of the blue you can bet he has some delicious hurt in store for you. You will think he has had a falling out with his new woman or things aren’t going well for him and her and you will delight that he is now missing you. Don’t flatter yourself too quickly, more than likely he has just solidified the relationship with the ow, either gotten engaged, moved in together or even gotten married and now that he has her hooked he can start the devaluing of her. He will start making her jealous so she tries harder, and if he can hook you back in then he can hurt you at the same time he gets her doing the pick me dance. No doubt you will be so pissed when you find out he is still with her, you will decide to blow his cover and call her (I sent a 14 page email) and it will only serve to prove:

a) you still care about him

b) he can’t be that bad because you still want him

c) that you are a psycho that can’t get over him

d) she had better treat him really well because you are just waiting in the wings to take him back

He gets exactly what he wanted, she has even more reason to stick it out even if it is starting to fall apart and you…………..well you lose again!

I hear you, “But I CAN’T, I just can’t stop thinking about him, I can’t not respond, it is just too hard.”

I am going to let you in on the cold hard facts. You have no choice! That is right, there is no can’t; because you have to, or stay the victim forever. the relationship is over, has been over for a long long time and you are clinging to something that was never there and the wish that it was. You are clinging to nothing, an illusion, you are driving yourself insane and making yourself miserable over a fantasy. It is equal to going to the theater and seeing a romance movie and waiting for the actor to call you and profess his undying love. It is like crying for days because in the movie the relationship didn’t work and writing the writer of the movie and telling him he has to redo the movie because you don’t like the ending. It ain’t going to happen.

You might as well continue to believe in Santa Claus and expect gifts under the tree and then be disappointed when there aren’t any and go complain to everyone who will listen that the fat bastard didn’t leave you gifts again this year. You won’t get much sympathy will you?

I am not saying it is easy but it is possible to get over a narcissist, but the first step is accepting that the man you fell in love with never existed and that script that is running through your head is nothing more than a movie plot.

Next you go no contact- in every way possible, yes he might still show up where you work but the harder he has to work at getting to you the better the chance he will get bored and move on to an easier target. The N is not into working too hard getting you back into his web, he is coming to you because he thinks he has you right where he wants you, one little lie and a few tears and he is sure you will buckle and then he has his reserve supply lined up and he will pop into your life at will. When ever he is bored or needs to get the new woman to shape up and put up with his shit because you still want him besides it is so damn entertaining for him to watch two women fight over him.

Both of you totally forgetting that he is the asshole playing two women because you are both so busy pissing on your territory and determined to be the “better woman”. Pick me! Pick me! and he is laughing and patting himself on the back.

And do you know what is happening in your head? You are losing more self-esteem, you have less self-confidence, you become needier and depressed, you feel unattractive and not worthy AND on top of it all you lose respect for yourself.

I have said it before but it is what I kept repeating to myself every time I started to obsess about the wospos and the new woman.

“It is your own fault I hurt you. You kept taking me back.” and “What did you do?” “I stayed” and him saying “Exactly”

When your mind starts to obsess about him, what could have been, what you wish would be, you have the power to STOP, tell yourself NO I am not going to torture myself any more, I am going to think about something else. And think about something else, anything else. What you think about is up to you, as long as it isn’t the N. it will get easier.

As long as you let him hurt you, you are choosing to stay a victim. There are benefits to being a victim.

1. You always have someone to bitch about.

2. As long as he is hurting you, you can tell yourself he still cares about you.

3. You start to feel the same way he does, any attention is better than no attention, even if he hurts you, you are so used to him hurting you it is almost comforting.

4. As long as you are consumed with him you can’t have a healthy relationship with anyone else and you are afraid you don’ t know how to have a healthy relationship.

5. you don’t feel all alone if you hold onto a glimmer of hope he will come back.

6. As long as you are a victim you don’t have to be responsible for your own happiness, you have him destroying it. What if he wasn’t destroying everything good in your life and your life still sucked? That’s a scary thought, no one to blame for your unhappiness.

7. If you have him to consume your thoughts 24/7 you can’t be expected to get on with your life by going to school, moving, getting a new job, volunteer, make new friends because after all you just can’t think of anything but him and you never know if you will be a crying mess.

8. You always have something to talk about, you don’t need to have an interesting life, he keeps you so busy you don’t have time to do anything else.

9. By comparison you are normal and the “good” guy.

10. You envision him feeling guilty for hurting you and you are determined to show him the pain he has caused you. psst* he doesn’t care.

It truly is up to you. That is the real kicker. I know. It sucks. But it is the truth. If you have PTSD, get help, join a support group, get a counselor, because PTSD is very hard to deal with alone, you need help. Other than that, start eating properly, educate yourself about narcs and psychopaths so you can rid yourself of the illusion he will ever change and be prepared for his curtain call. be patient with yourself yes! it takes time, I am not saying you are supposed to be over him in a month or even a year but by a year you should have been no contact a year and well on your way to recovered. If you sleep with him or listen to his bullshit 10 months out of the relationship you will set yourself back to almost the beginning, get back on the horse, forgive yourself but learn from it and go no contact again and start over. Remind yourself that you have wasted however long already, it is up to you how much longer you waste your emotions on someone who just does not care.

You were a victim until you figure out what he was, once you figured out he was a narcissist and you started reading here or elsewhere you stopped being a victim because once you have the knowledge you have the ability to save yourself and you become a survivor.

Don’t misinterpret what I am saying, I am not saying the narcissist is right for what he is doing or that you deserve it. In a normal relationship if a person doesn’t love you any more and the relationship breaks up they stay away from you because they know it is only hurting you more and giving you false hope.  But with a narcissist,  if you do not take control of your happiness and you are waiting for him to do the compassionate and right thing; you will be a victim forever more.

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7 thoughts on “The Benefits To Being A Victim

  1. Wow, this sounds just like me and my ex narc. With your blog i managed to get my head round it and keep away and not let him get in my head anymore. I read every blog you write and its like you are writing about my life. I just want to say a big thankyou to you Carrie and helping me see through all his crap and getting my life back on track.

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  2. “3. You start to feel the same way he does, any attention is better than no attention, even if he hurts you, you are so used to him hurting you it is almost comforting.”

    This one really hit home for me! I fought myself on this one for a while. Very insightful post. Contacting the OW is ALWAYS a bad idea.

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  3. All of what you write here is so on target, Carrie.

    Especially on point: “You were a victim until you figure out what he was, once you figured out he was a narcissist and you started reading here or elsewhere you stopped being a victim because once you have the knowledge you have the ability to save yourself and you become a survivor.”

    Ladies, if you really think back, at some point you likely stopped enjoying the company of your ex N/S/P. I know I did — I found him boring due to his lack of insights or personal growth, his inability to respect me and his obvious habit of lying and controlling behaviors. So I was detaching emotionally before the relationship officially petered out as he found his new victim. When his intensive hoovering failed to convince me to see him again, his last attempt to draw me back into his world was by smearing me.

    Unknown to me, his new victim was put in a position to do his dirty work by actually calling to tell me how horrible I was/am (LOL), I guess she wanted to convince herself she was a better woman. But she subsequently apologized after I checked her, realizing he had set her up to attack me verbally.

    I was a complete stranger to the new victim when my ex did the triangulation. Upon talking to me and putting some things together from her end, the new woman learned that I really did not still want the man she found so fascinating — she told me she just couldn’t imagine why I would not want to still sleep with him…LOL.

    Then she asked if we could be friends and I told her no — given that she’d had the gall to verbalize lies and half-truths that my ex was telling her, as if she knew about me and my life. When I told them both to stop contacting me, she said things that indicated she was coming to some basic realizations about his facade and recognizing the pattern of lies. But her journey of really believing he is a sociopath is likely to be longer still. I know it took a while for it to finally sink in for me how toxic he was, since he had been so nice, even altruistic in different ways.

    It’s somewhat funny to me now, in hindsight.

    Loving my freedom and been away from the ex pathological long enough to feel reasonably healed and no longer enticed due to truly knowing the truth about him.

    I am grateful for the experience, though, and feel I will be able to spot red flags much sooner now that I’m exploring dating options.

    I love embracing my self-worth on a whole new level and having clear boundaries enough to put my old people-pleasing ways behind me. I now know I can always say yes or no to new men I meet, based on whether or not they meet my standards. It is a beautiful realization.

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  4. 7 yrs. I’ve been with N off and on again. I’m so grateful for you. My eyes, have been wide shut. My story has stories I could start my own blog. I just can’t imagine any one else going thru what I’ve been going thru for 61/2 yrs.. It all came to a screeching halt exactly a week ago. Halloween wasn’t suppose to end up soo scary. The N has convinced anyone who will listen that he’s the victim and I’m a horrible drug addict and liar. Spot on when you referenced self-esteem and confidence. I could write 200 hundred pages and still have 200 more. The relationship ended 7 days ago, 5 days ago he was arrested. He is being charge with Domestic Battery Felony. The events that took place on Halloween night left me blacked out on the bathroom floor from strangulation. We were arguing over one of his friends wife decided to fill me in on his cheating while I was away for a week. He brought her to her house in my town and slept in my bed. That was it for me. 7 years later same tramp. He played the whole scenario so well 3 years ago she filed a restraining order against me. I’ve never even met her. He know faces jail fines and restitution. I hope she’s by his side. Nobody believes me of what he does The truth will come out now. I’m not banking on any of these people to do a 360. I want absolutely nothing to do with people who can be so vindictive. I’m moving to another state and watch from a distance his suffering. The only time I’ll see him is when I testify. He’s a really great guy. He’s funny and great with .kids. Behind closed doors or on the phone he’s controlling and abusive.
    I used to blame his fallback bitch she is so ugly inside and out. I blame myself for not seeing sooner what an awful mistake Eric was.
    He will probably convince the DA I’m crazy and he’s the one sane. Isn’t that how they work. I really want him to pay for what he’s done to me and my family. Don’t count on it right. Exhausting to say the least.
    Hoosierdaddysurvivor.

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