But I Can’t – But Yes You Can!

How many times have you said it? I can’t, I just can’t, don’t ask me to because I can’t, I hurt too much and I can not survive this pain.

I hate to break it to you, but no matter how hard you fight it, no matter how hard you wish it, you can go kicking and screaming if you want………….. but sooner or later you are going to have to get through this. OK there is one way out, you could kill yourself. I was afraid to say that in case it gave someone the idea committing suicide is the answer, but then I thought, “Who am I kidding? if they are really struggling with pain and feeling they can’t do this, they have already contemplated suicide.”

We read on the blog or elsewhere, victims saying, “That was it, I kicked him to the curb and I never looked back.”

“It’s been a year and I have never been happier, I am in love with a wonderful man and life could not be better.”

And we think, “what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy to be free from his abuse? Why am I still struggling?”

The worst thing a person going through struggles in life can do is to compare themselves to other people, we all heal at our own pace. As much as our experiences are very similar because all N’s got the same “how to” manual and follow the same prescribed steps to destroy their victim, each victim is unique. All narcissists and psychopaths are very similar, (it would kill them to realize how similar they are because they all feel they are so special and unique, when in reality there is nothing special about them at all) I think that is what we find so hard to accept too, we thought we had found someone wonderful and unique and then we learn the truth, that they are a counterfeit human being, no better than a counterfeit $100 bill, worthless.

Criminals have gotten really good at replicating bills but no matter how good they get and how close it is to the real thing to look at; it is never going to be worth anything. You can stand and scream until you are blue in the face, “But look at it! it looks EXACTLY like a $100 bill, it has to be worth something! I refuse to believe it isn’t real! so there! I can’t accept it is not real.”

I am sorry, but you have no choice, a counterfeit is a counterfeit no matter how much you stomp your feet and refuse to admit it.

Narcissists are all the same, they cannot change, no matter how much you scream, “But they seemed so real!!”

The victims ARE real and unique individuals so they are not going to heal at the same pace or in the same way. Real people have feelings, past experiences, different values, different personalities, so to compare the victims and expect all victims to follow a prescribed set of steps and to put a time limit on their healing is unrealistic.

It is a dangerous game to play, I hear it every single day. “You are so strong, I can’t wait to get where you are, it’s been 6 months, 1 year, (sometimes even a few weeks) and I am just not healing, what is wrong with me? when will the pain stop, I can’t do it any more.”

I never felt strong enough to “do it”, not one single day of the last year I was with him and the first year after leaving him. While I was with him I didn’t think I could ever leave, but I knew I couldn’t stay and live. Then I knew I could not go back but I didn’t think I could survive on my own. I didn’t want to face reality, I had no choice. That was the first big step in my healing journey, just admitting I had no choice.  I knew that to continue to live with him was killing me and I could not carry on that way but I had nothing to rebuild with and felt so helpless and hopeless I saw no other choice but to kill myself.

I had tried, my truck was in the shop again, my ex had sabotaged its repairs by calling the shop and telling them to take out the parts they had just installed and he would deliver to them the parts for free and then not done it, meaning my truck was down a whole week without me making money. It meant my bill for labour was going to be more than doubled because I had to pay to have the parts installed twice and take out once, a few thousand dollars, not a huge amount of money but it might as well have been hundreds of thousands. It was money I did not have and as long as my truck was down, would never have.  All the money I had was in the form of coins, maybe $2 or $3, my cupboards were empty, my ex had promised he would come and see me because I had begged him and told him I was hanging by a thread. I didn’t feel I could call anyone. My mom had disowned me over a year prior, I couldn’t call my son, he had his own life and was worried enough about me, that was part of the burden I was packing; I hated being a burden to him, I hated that he worried about me. I was living day to day, what I made in a day gave me enough to survive a day or two at the most, I had no safety net. And I had one thought running through my mind like the needle stuck on a scratch in the record. “I can not do it.”

When I woke up after trying to kill myself and decided I had no choice but to “do it”. I knew I could not do it on my own and that is why I started the blog. To make myself accountable to someone, to declare to the world, “I CAN do it.”

You have to change your inner dialogue, instead of saying, “I can’t do it.” “I wish I was where you are at.” “I wish I was strong like you.” practice saying, “I can do it.” “I will do it, one day at a time, no matter how long it takes.” “I will overcome this.” “I control my destiny and I will do what it takes to learn how to get through this.”

I used to be a real Neil Diamond fan and always loved the song I am I Said not that the words really fit but it kept playing in my head. I almost felt invisible and no one was listening to me, I was literally falling apart in front of everyone’s eyes and no one cared or believed me. I felt as alone as a person can feel I think, well I had Kato, and felt guilty that I was so preoccupied with my troubles I wasn’t loving him like he deserved. I remember I did tell my neighbour that I couldn’t do it any more, I was ready to give up and she had said, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

It is especially scary for a person who has always been self sufficient and strong. I left my ex thinking, “Yeah my heart is breaking but I will overcome this like I have overcome other obstacles in life.” and then it didn’t come together, it wasn’t just losing my ex, it was being broke, having no momentos, no family, no credit. I had never had to face life with nothing.

Some victims are battling the ex for custody of the children, or over property, some have supportive family and a group of friends who rally around them, some have financial means to live comfortably and others (the majority) are left struggling to just put food on the table, others fear for their lives, some had a lousy childhood and some grew up in a loving nurturing home. Don’t compare yourself with others, just because they got through it sooner than you doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

There are many victims who move on quickly, get involved with another man and it appears their life is perfect and other victims look at them and lament why they can’t find a wonderful man and be happy. You don’t know how the story ends. I hear the same story from women and men all the time, “this is the 2nd or 3rd time I have been involved with a narcissist, I am an N magnet.” If you go looking for the quick fix, a man who will love you for who you are, a man who makes you feel sexy, perfect, and loveable you can almost count on meeting another N. They are out there, waiting for someone like you, they want nothing more than to be the man of your dream; you become an N magnet because you are looking outside of yourself for your self worth. You are still believing the myth that you are only valuable if you have a man in your life.

It may hurt like hell, growth usually does, quick fixes seldom last.

I used to get flat tires all the time on my truck, the job I was doing it was a guarantee because I was driving into the scrap yard, I was sure to pick up screws in my tires. I would walk past my truck and hear the hiss of air escaping from a tire and my truck was so big and heavy I never packed a spare tire or jack because a regular jack was not strong enough to hold my truck. If I got a flat it meant calling a tow truck and not just a regular tow truck because if they tried to pick me up the front end of the tow truck would lift off the ground, so they had to send their biggest truck which meant I waited for hours and it cost me hundreds. So I had to find a way to stop the leak until I got to a tire shop and could get it fixed. That inflate a tire stuff didn’t work on my big tires and with the weight of my truck with a load on but I always kept an assortment of screws in my glove box. I would find the screw causing the leak in my tire and find a screw a couple of sizes ligger with a flat broad head on it. I would use a screw driver to remove the screw that was in the tire and replace it with a bigger screw, screw it down tight and 99% of the time it would stop the leak. Brilliant, right!? But once it stopped leaking I would forget about it and it might take a couple of months but eventually it would start to leak again. I would curse at myself for not getting it fixed sooner, find a bigger screw and pray it worked. Sometimes it did and I would get more time and believe it or not a couple of times I procrastinate a 3rd time. (some people just do not learn) No matter how many times I procrastinated, eventually I would end up at a tire shop and getting it fixed properly.

So, yes you  can go for the quick fix, but at some point in time you are going to have to deal with the pain and heal properly; isn’t it better to deal with it now and avoid all the hassle of ending up in the exact same situation time after time?

I watched this TedxTalk this morning about very basic steps to overcoming adversity but they work, check it out here.

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3 thoughts on “But I Can’t – But Yes You Can!

  1. I love this post, some moments on lots of days i feel like dying then the pain would go away, but i have way too much to live for, i have overcome this hurdle before, only to be suckered back in, but i didn’t realise what i was dealing with back then, in the 10 months we were apart i thought about him everyday, he was my first thought of the day and my last thought of the night, i would dream about him. I even dated another guy for a couple of months but i just kept comparing him to the N. Now i really think he is an N, and the thought that he never really cared and is incapable of loving anyone but himself is sometimes too much of a burden to bare, my head is ‘processing the relationship’ and i miss him terribly, through all the shit i did feel supported (at the time) but now realise in hindsight that it was control and manipulation, and gathering of information about me and my biggest weaknesses so he could use them against me only to come in and ‘save me’ – as if i wasn’t capable of looking after myself, my home, my finances, my vehicle without him. When he came back and professed his love for me i thought all my dreams had come true and he had changed, BUT a tiger never changes his stripes.

    I now want to learn to love myself, gain back some self respect and dignity.

    I can live life without him, everyday i have to remind myself that his pathology is that of Anger, hatred and rage, he may present well to those who don’t really know him, and remind myself how much better off i am without him, at the end of every week i am amazed at how much money i have left over, no more cooking meals for him, paying for clothes for him cos he never put his hand in his pocket, he never had any money except when he wanted stuff for himself, even on my birthday he admitted he had trouble buying me a present cos he was too busy looking at stuff for himself, but said he knew he ‘should’ buy me a present.

    i do find it hard to find pleasure in much these days, i feel shattered, and not contacting him is the hardest thing i have to do, but i don’t believe i have the strength to say no if i was to see him.

    Time will heal and i have to hold on tight and ride this emotional roller coaster.

    what i have taken from your post is ‘I CAN AND I WILL HEAL’

    Thank you Carrie, you are a pillar of strength to me.

    Time for me to take a break from men and dating.

    Like

  2. Lonely, you are sounding stronger and more determined, seeing things clearer. Good for you! You ARE doing it, day by day, hour by hour and you WILL do it. I am so glad you are finding my posts helpful.
    Just remember they never change, never!
    Yes take a break and love yourself for a change so that you never again love someone else more than you love yourself because if you don’t value yourself enough to demand to be treated well, no one else will.
    It is quite amazing, when you start to value yourself and not need a man to give you worth, men worth your attention will start to come into your life. It is a vibe we send out, if we don’t value ourselves we attract men who don’t value us either. I read somewhere that we teach people how to treat us and it is true, we allow people to mistreat us. If we don’t allow it they go away and that is what we were afraid of. We were afraid to stand up for ourselves because if we demanded to be respected we were afraid they would leave but we would have been better off if they had. You can’t have both with narcissists, you never win with them.
    You are doing great, you are, keep it up.,
    Hugs

    Like

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