Finding The Right Man Instead Of Being The Right Woman

dating game

Something has happened to the dating scene since I was actively dating.

People meet and within a couple of months or even weeks they are living together, there is no way they know each other let alone love each other and here they are playing house when they should be dating and getting to know each other.

I think part of it is, times are tough, rents are high, people are working long hours, it’s just more convenient to live together than to try and cram dating into the mix, with an added bonus of one less rent to pay.

It is all fine while they are infatuated with each other and still in the throes of new love but that all fades pretty quickly when you are washing his shxx stained shorts and the used tampon is in the garbage can. Gross, I know but those are the facts of life when you live with someone. Many people who never should have gotten together are later dealing with the ugly process of splitting property, and moving out when it simply could have been as easy as saying, “No thanks I don’t want to go out, I don’t think we are well suited.” No fuss no muss. Even if one of you feels stronger about the other one, if you are just dating it is much easier to break up if you are not living in the same house.

I don’t understand it, couples just do not take the time to get to know each other. They rush sex and it is almost expected that by the 3rd date they will have sex, if it doesn’t something is wrong with the person who doesn’t want it. A talk on one of the POF’s forums were discussing this topic and most of the men said if they don’t have sex by the 3rd date they don’t ask the woman out again. Another forum had women moving guys in with them after a month or two, and wondering why they can’t find any decent men.

Women especially need to hold off on sex too soon.

Women’s rights be damned.

Yes I agree women should be able to have as much casual sex as a man, and not be looked down on because of it. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. But the truth is, their bodies are saying something different. When a woman has sex a hormone called oxytocin is released, and this hormone lowers our defenses, makes us more trusting, clouds our judgement, makes us more loving and, get this….. increases our level of empathy. It does not distinguish between casual sex and loving sex and is released every single time we have sex regardless.

So, while having sex may make you more tolerant and loving to your husband (a good thing), it can also make you trust the wrong person and fall in love with someone you should not be with. Consequently, why women can feel so intensely hurt when a short term relationship ends.

Men on the other hand, get a jolt of dopamine, the pleasure hormone; so he will want sex more but not because he is feeling especially close to the woman but because it felt good. That’s it, it felt good. it was pleasurable, and the woman is laying there falling in love.

See where there could be problems with this scenario?

And there is nothing you can do about it, stop trying to deny it, because it is nature, it just happens.

In order to protect themselves women have to understand their bodies better, know that having sex puts you at risk of falling in love with the wrong man, know that your gut tells you when you are in danger and listen to it, Call it intuition, call it a “feeling” , don’t doubt it.

Know your worth before you start dating, know what is important to you, what your “deal breakers” are, don’t have any? get some!!

Don’t date any man you plan on changing, if you find yourself thinking, he would be perfect if…………… or he has so much potential all he needs is a good loving woman like me…………… or “Sure he’s a ladies man but once he is with me he will settle down”…………. “I will change him” in any way………… DO NOT DATE HIM!!

Find a man with your morals, principles and goals in life. Now this will not necessarily protect you from a narcissist because the N will morph into your exact perfect mate in order to hook you BUT it will keep you from making a mistake none the less, and cuts the odds of you getting hooked up with the wrong guy. Like, if the guy does drugs and you are dead set against drugs, don’t even go there; the odds he is going to give them up for you are slim and there are going to be enough things that you aren’t nuts about that are going to appear over time, don’t start off with a major one like that.

Women especially need to figure out what their boundaries are, their “deal breakers” and then do not compromise them even once. If you start off compromising you have no where to go but down and without a leg to stand on. You have to remember the man is on his best behaviour, if he does drugs “once in a while” you can bet he is doing them often if not constantly, if he hit a woman “once” he has hit her multiple times and he will hit you. If he ever says you are too good for him, believe him.

not seeing the truth

When you meet a man, take time to get to know him and during that time, focus less on being the right woman for him and concentrate more on whether he is the right man for you.

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10 Replies to “Finding The Right Man Instead Of Being The Right Woman”

  1. Carrie, I have had a man tell me recently by email that he didn’t deserve me.. I couldn’t tell if this was some kind of BS line or the truth.. I have corresponded with him for quite awhile and we haven’t met yet.. He seems like he has been a little intimidated by me? Are men ever really intimidated by women??

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    1. Kathy, years ago I read an article on dating and it said, “If a man ever tells you that you are too good for him.” believe him.
      I think men can be intimidated by a powerful woman, if she comes across as intimidating. Whenever I have had a guy tell me that he was intimidated by me and I tried to not be intimidating and make him feel better it always bit me in the ass big time.
      I would say cut the guy lose, if he is intimidated, do you really want a man who is intimidated by you? A man who is how old? by his middle ages a man should be confident in his masculinity with a woman.
      To me it is a read flag, he is either a wimp with low self esteem or he is a narcissist after something. JMO

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  2. Well, that was the mistake I made, when I was young. So that’s the way I got involved with my narcistic partner. But in the end, after 30 years, when the emotional abuse increased, my body told me I couldn’t do this any longer. It was one of the reasons I left. Not only the abuse, but also knowing that having sex for him was only sex. Nothing to do with love. I know for sure, because in no time he found a new woman and it is only for the ‘good’ sex. It was a hard lesson to learn, but now I am prepared. X

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  3. The last time he gave me the silent treatment, I decided to do the same. After a week or two he came into the bathroom and said, oh you are looking nice. Let”s have sex. I said, yes I know I am looking good, but not for you anymore. Two weeks later I left.
    Also a good topic to write about. ‘The narcissist and sex.’

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    1. Elisabeth I have written about sex with the N quite a few times, the title might not reflect it though. I will try to remember and do one soon. Thanks for the suggestion and comments.
      At least you did get out, it is never too late to be happy and find love

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  4. I was on a datingsite ones. Made an appointment with a very good looking guy. What was he doing on a datingsite? He payd for the coffee and we walked into the park to have a drink somewhere else. He didn’t move (I am old fashioned) so at some point I fetched a drink. After a while he was looking at younger women. So I told him I have to go to fetch my granddaughter from school. Which wasn’t true, but…… When we started to walk he fetched the plastic bottles from the table. He was going to fill them with water for in his camper. Then he told me he bought his clothes in a second hand store and he was going to camp in the wild. Well maybe he wanted to try me out, I don’t know, but for me it was the first and last time I was looking on a datingsite. He also spoke only about himself. So for me it was clear to get home as soon as possible. For me it was an eye opener.
    Read your article on ‘dating sites and psychopaths’. X

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  5. I was with someone for 12 years, and sure, we met young, so I guess understandable that it then took us approximately 8 years before we decided to live together.. 3 1/2 years later it ended as he got sweet on someone else. At the time it was devastating, but in hindsight we had met when 17 and both ignored that “feeling” about the other in time as we grew older.. He never wanted to get married or have children, I compromised this for myself by trying to accept that I didn’t want those things either. In truth I genuinely then, and even now am not sure how I stand in reference to getting married etc. So I wasn’t ignoring something I truly wanted. But I ignored the fact that his continual daily smoking of marijuana was starting to become a bit old. Sure, as a 17 year old it was something I also tried to have a bit of fun socially at weekends. But as the years went on I realised that it wasn’t to be a lifelong novelty for myself so stopped some years before we lived together. He however continues to smoke it to this day. Which is honestly fine, his call. Granted I don’t regret the time we shared, but I regrettably left that relationship and was not long in the arms of the N.. 3/4months.. Yes I am quite shamed by how quick I was to get involved with another. Although I wasn’t actively dating nor looking to meet someone. I was actually in such a great place in my life… Had a new job and was becoming stronger despite relationship breakdown.. That ending was a mutual decision and had closure. I wasn’t initially drawn to the N.. Thought he was a bit nerdy haha! Maybe I felt sorry for him?? But when I did develop feelings.. And yes, pretty quickly as again I am ashamed to admit to sleeping with him only after a month of dating.. Those feelings were soon used by him. Of course I had no idea at the time, and I ignored many things myself so accept error on my part for sure. But I suddenly felt so much more confident to take a few more risks.. And a mere 6 months later when he asked me to move in I leapt at the chance.. My new job had become incredibly stressful as I was being bullied by my manager at the time… I was back living with my mum, and as harsh as it reads her depression and anxiety and tendency to dote on my help etc became too much. My friend had actually asked me to live with her before the N asked, and I was so excited about it! When I told the N he suggested I live with him instead.. That I could take my time finding work, although I did secure a new job near to his home before I moved in. When I handed in my notice in November 2013 (yes weeks before I found this site also!) I started to get cryptic messages from the N.. He messaged one evening while I was working to say he didn’t love me anymore.. Of course I had a meltdown and started shaking and crying.. He then told me he was “only joking”, but that he then wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with a “cry baby”.. That I was “too soft” and he didn’t wish to be with someone like that. After some begging from myself he then acted like nothing happened. Foolishly I didn’t run away at this point, nor more importantly listen to why I had become so drawn to someone so cruel? The mind fuck etc. But I can only assume that in part my reasoning for carrying on by moving in with him was to run away from other issues in my life. Yet wow was I in for a ride with him the following months. Let’s just say I would take a billion bitchy managers any day than to sacrifice another moment of my life with an N! 😉
    But I do need to learn what boundaries to set for myself when it comes to dating in the future. I am still completely not in to meeting anyone any time soon in all honesty. I’m actually fearful of opening up my heart again. As sad as that reads. I guess I took a chance before and worry it could all go wrong again. But it’s learning how best to deal with the rough times and to embrace them rather than run a mile. I think finding out who I am after all these years is most important right now. Knowing what I truly want.
    And may I add the sex I had with my N may have been good in the beginning, but when it became to the point of him using me, on his terms (he “punished” me once for joining in with him jokingly when he referenced himself having a small penis.. Haha.. I was sooo sick of him looking for that affirmation that it wasn’t, that I sarcastically agreed one evening that it was.. He then refused sex with me for two weeks).. I no longer felt that loving feeling understandably.
    Anyway there’s my bedtime reading again folks. Sorry for the ramblings.
    With love and hugs from across the puddle. 🙂 x x x x x

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    1. Tifa, I had thought the sex was great at first and every time we had a fight and he put some effort in but the last two years i just could not enjoy it even if he put in effort. I guess because I realized he had lied about everything and without trust and respect I can’t enjoy sex. To be honest I started faking it to feed his ego because I knew it was not going to happen for me.
      Thanks for sharing, your ramblings are always interesting and we certainly don’t mind ramblers in here, LOL
      Hugs from frosty Canada

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